Log 336 ~Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage~

Last week I said I barely notice the Coronavirus (COVID-19) anymore, and I’m not alone in that. Besides all the fears that come with being a black man in this country. I have to find the courage to even get out of bed. “Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage”

Monday, June 1, 2020

Log 336 ~Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage~

Hundred And Thirty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now… yep along with saying I’m hopeful. I’m sorry to say Madam Justice; all I have is the fear. Oh, and the lusts, I can’t forget about that. As the song goes, it takes two, but what do you get when you add terror and horniness? Isaku, Dark Shell, The Harvest Night? I would advise you not to look those up. So why even say their names, you ask me? Allow me this small luxury, it’s taking everything not to look at them myself, amongst other things. Tip of the iceberg I tell you but back to business.

I tell you every now and again, I am not a man of faith. At this moment, however, as the song goes. Please allow me to improvise, I’m a man of God with no need for saving. Hell, that’s the very first thing, especially with the current news, to live as I will, no allowance. From a concept to a prayer. For this week, I pray for courage not only for myself but for my son. He has faith I will return. You can even call it, hope when I tell him so. Through I shared fear sadly of the world beyond these walls, we combine our strength to survive. Madam Justice, I fear this entire week though, so wherein lies my hope. Dare I dream of my Six Impossible Things? Lies aren’t they, each and every week. I don’t hope I have good days. No, I fear that day when I’ll get myself fired.

So again, I’m looking for courage. Fear Plus Hope, but how about Purpose And Why. Here’s another song for you, Joy And Pain, as my aunt taught me? Here and now Madam Justice I am afraid, but I’m telling myself I will be better. Like at the Day Job last week, how I got birds slamming into the door now. How about the fact that my “father” is coming over? Fear can serve as great motivation, but it’s running with no destination, and your legs give, and you end up like me. Yeah, lying in bed, hoping that you won’t have to wake up tomorrow. What do I hope for, though, and that’s pretty damn easy to answer ahem WOMEN.

My purpose, but why? When can I tell the world that, to be that brave? Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

I and no good without my nap, but I have worse crimes, of course, and here I am plotting some sort of way out, or at least I hope so. How much is it going to cost me though $45 or more, hmm? The “Way Out” Will.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how? Now you know how I hate sounding like the President. There are plenty of ways I would like this period in history to end though I lack the “liberty” to share them. Besides, we should talk about me and How’s It Going To End?

Should we talk about Thursday, seeing as how it’s Wednesday now? You’re seeing this as Saturday, though. The wonders of Time-Travel. Chances are I ain’t no fortunate son. Yeah, still at the Day Job and next week; there’s no end looks like. When’s the last time I finished a video game? Far Cry 5, NOPE, Heavy Rain, negative, Call me a Legend, are you serious with my little virtual harem? I know Lady Luna, but what was I doing in the shower? I see all my secrets coming to light, losing the social life that I do have, or being oh so sorry. Again there might not be an end, only repeating everything over and over. I’m sorry if I sound down, but this is what happens when I don’t get my afternoon nap. You know I still hate waking up early, and for what?

If there is an end, I hope it’s not like my books, me breaking, or a bunch of lost bucks. The emptiness Lady Luna, that’s the only way I can describe it. It feels so good, but then there’s only okay, and what do I have to show for it. 50,000 words, a clear mind for a few hours, or making some pretty girl happy. That’s what I have been sitting here contemplating. $45 to become a Patron. I only now got the Day Job back, and today I want to spend money, quick escape.

No Lady Lu, I’m talking to you because as the song goes, I’m Gonna Be Somebody. Funny, I use the song from Police Academy, and how often do I break the law? Yeah, I’m not behind bars… been there done that when I was in juvenile detention. It’s not like Coronavirus (COVID-19) did a number on me. Other than a bunch of new rules, and yes, I’m still mad at Academy Sports + Outdoors. I don’t let go of anything, right? My way out is with Bucks, Babes, and let’s say Biology for now, hmm?

So how to obtain those things, The “Way Out” Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 313 ~Will The New World~

Well, last week I asked what I do for money, and now sometime soon it will be back to the Day Job, I suppose. Indeed I finished one book and was working on a long-overdue poetry compilation. Will The New World?

Saturday, May 9, 2020

Log 313 ~Will The New World~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should be all into the. Brand New, as the song goes. Lady Lu, as per usual, I speak to you two days from the past. Time travel can be quite finicky, so if I told you I would find myself here? I’m a man having a panic attack, exhausted, well hell, isn’t that every day? Today though, I have received my marching orders to return to the world. Only the place I knew wasn’t so great. The land that awaits me, I’m not looking forward to. For now, I can’t see the aftermath, but there are other worlds.

“Only a man unable to handle the actual world would create another one in which to hide.”
― Andrew Davidson

I’m not suicidal, but at this moment, I want to return to the blackness of sleep. It’s no secret that I’m lazy above everything Lady Luna. Look, you’re my first girl, my favorite… my light in the dark, closest to where I want to be. In the night, not having to face the new day. Only when I find myself thrown into the world, I build new ones. One more reason that I’m a writer. I need somewhere to go, but then it’s like something out of The Handmaid’s Tale. My worlds are never “Better” for everyone, especially women, but I’m not in the mood today. I don’t wish to be one of these STUPID people comparing having a Day Job to some worse part of history. Still, I feel like I am doomed to repeat it as soon as I leave this “warm” bed.

“Better never means better for everyone… It always means worse, for some.”
― Margaret Atwood

I say it like that because I’m not sure if it’s the weather or my blood running cold. Fear freezes me, and there’s another F-Word that heats me right up. I’m not angry, though, and the other feeling I’m avoiding like the plague all around us. Coronavirus (COVID-19) hasn’t given me the world I imagined, as if I could handle it. Again I’m sitting here in bed trying not to think how good I had it and all the work I could have gotten done. Now I sound like Trump wasting my time. I don’t believe I will have the luxury of losing myself to the music or some audiobook. If I call upon the future, it will always be for My Dæmon’s continued health and the world I wish to build for him.

Today though (Thursday), is this normal or Will The New World…

I Will Have No Fear

Log 306 ~Will Comes With Interest~

I sort of despise that question, what do you do for fun? I’m more, what do I do for money? There’s reading, but I want to be a better writer. With what I call writing, I want to get paid. What about everything else? Will Comes With Interest

Saturday, May 2, 2020

Log 306 ~Will Comes With Interest~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should get a few new interests. Preferably one that pays well because it’s always about the money with me? Every single motivation I listen to says, “DON’T FOLLOW MONEY.” Still, I’m worried about getting back into Far Cry 5 or hell, Final Fantasy 7, what about Mass Effect?

Anyway, I’ve spent some time pondering the “Big Questions,” for example, why are people so STUPID. I hate that word, but people are fighting to stay broke. What kind of “man” am I hoping that most of them die to make the world a better place? Is it possible to save us? M Anime believes the end is nigh, and yet she’s falling in love with a trucker. Cherry is falling for her publisher. Confession time Lady Lu, and while I usually save this for Inspector Echo, here’s the question. Has any woman felt “Romantic, sexual love” for me minus the price tag? I told The Karlee Grey, who’s one of my top ten favorite pornstars ever I rather talk to you than throw out another $20.00. Hours ago, I felt stirrings, and with this evening? I read that the Quarantine could affect my libido, explaining how horny I’ve been.

I haven’t checked my bank account lately, but didn’t I say, money is what matters? Lady Lu, I should be taking this time to read. The Dæmon thinks I should cut the grass in the backyard. What about my gun? I should learn how to load faster and should head to a gun range. Talk about a lack of courage. I’m still upset that I didn’t have the balls to drive away from Taco Bell. I paid for a taco I didn’t order. I didn’t complain. Which I planned on doing. Yeah, I want zombies?

Then who would be left to read The Eve of a Cherry? I finished the first round of edits only yesterday. Speaking of which what about the Gown of Chaos, which is a “small” story I started years ago. There’s also Gulp, which is May’s project, if I’m not headed back to the Day Job. Oh, why should I talk about myself getting paid though Gay For Pay came to mind on OnlyFans? No, more like spending money to lead people to you, Lady Lu. So many ideas today, you know, Will Comes With Interest.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 267 ~Success’s An Option, Failure’s Not~

What do I want at this moment, to get out of a shift at work and at first I would say I’m afraid; no it’s because I don’t want those “people” to get there rocks off making me stupid, that’s a success. Success’s An Option; Failure’s Not

Monday, March 25, 2019

Episode 267 ~Success’s An Option, Failure’s Not~

Seventy-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, as the song goes I’ve Been Everywhere girl. I’ve written love letters, tried songwriting, poetry, short stories, novels even more. You know it started with two words MY NAME. Again with my hypocrisy. I wanted to be a comedian, war correspondent, a pilot, a sailor, even the Secretary of Defense. I suppose if all these things have anything in common, it’s a need to escape. Rewrite the rules, and since I’m on a music kick, I want to Fly Away Madam Justice, I must.

As morbid as this may be, we’re all destined to leave this place one way or another. How many steps do we take while we’re here? I think I’ve seen the ocean, there are pictures, but I don’t remember. There were plenty of trips to Florida with my family. Why yes I’m about to sound like an ungrateful SOB. Only looking back on my life that’s like a prisoner being allowed to walk the yard, once a year. I’ve been to New Jersey, New York, Washington D.C. but these words Madam Justice. Not only the ones I write but the ones that echo in my mind. None of us are free. Now for the first time, I have to travel “On My Own Alone” well with B III, of course.

Do I want to talk about “Indiana Gone’s” Wedding? What about my success? My motivations always go on and on about finding out what you want? Yes, a bestseller, brothel, my slice of Babylon. I want to see the world Madam Justice. Still, here I am scared to death in my own “home.” So this leads me back to escape. Only do I want to outrun my fear, face it down and conquer it, live with it but dare to do so? If it’s not that, success is me wanting to find something but what? That I’m not as STUPID as everyone would have me be. At the moment I wouldn’t mind being Jordan Peele, going that deep with “US.” What about the meaning of life hmm. I found it.

Seek out a kingdom Worthy Of Your Soul. Now when did I forget that? My motivations say that the purpose of life is to be happy. So I could be looking for that. Dare I call that success? What’s one more song or movie, as Eminem put it “Lose Yourself.” I need to get Untethered from the “man” I am. In the end a Carnival Of Flesh or Gold, All I Ever Wanted. Well, a success I’m stopping with the music. With my life Justice, Success’s An Option; Failure’s Not.

I Will Not Have Fear

Episode 260 ~Don’t Mistake Stupidity For Courage~

How I wish my courage had held today, all day long there were delusions of grandeur of being an “Adult Entertainment” Entrepreneur and if you think that’s “stupid” you should have seen me at the day job. Don’t Mistake Stupidity For Courage.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Episode 260 ~Don’t Mistake Stupidity For Courage~

Seventy-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, sell-out I’ll admit Madam Justice. If you told me I could have everything I wanted, monetarily speaking if I found God, I would. Make me a member of the 1% percent. I would be more paranoid than usual I bet. Leaving to go to the day job is the definition of stupidity for courage. I’m dealing with people I hate. All on the premise that I’m getting stronger… I’ve wilted more in that place.

Much like Happiness, Love, and Life, COURAGE is something I can’t find. Only STUPIDITY much like yesterday. (The 13th Wednesday, staying ahead of this horrible week). I’m not going to lie Madam Justice. I spent all that money because I wanted to feel better. I do want to take up gaming again, and a pretty girl. Hell, most of my idiocy stems from Beautiful Girls. Yes I know I keep repeating myself. Butterfree blocked, Brazzers skeevy, and I can do worse. If I had to guess today at the day job you stood your ground as best you could. You endured a plethora of moronic moments. Still, this was you attempting to be a man. At the start of today, you asked only one thing.

I read once, that courage is sometimes a quiet voice saying I’ll try again. Only to me, sounds like my feet hitting the floor. I’m reminding myself constantly to pick up my boots and being too exhausted to remember. So I drag them along, that’s the end of Inventory. It’s lighting that match and raining down Hell on others. Enduring the fire, and sometimes it’s your pyre. How I wish I would let my face attempt to go red. Better than the other stupid stuff I do with my eyes and mouth. Madam Justice, it’s treating every girl like fucking Medusa (LANGUAGE). They can make me hard as a rock, but I will go no further. If I have learned anything, wanting HEAD from one is nothing compared to the girl for me I know.

Yes I know the story of Medusa, I was always one for the Greek myths. It beats all the vexing things I spouted. However, notice sometimes courage only means you stand while a stupid man goes places. Where do I reside… Brainbuddy? I’ll give up Fappening but porn? Let it be in others stupidity that I find what it means to be brave. No that doesn’t pan out either. Tom Bilyeu says every moment is a moment for courage. So I can attack in any direction. But I must learn at some point Madam Justice, Don’t Mistake Stupidity For Courage.

“I worship individuals for their highest possibilities as individuals and I loathe humanity for its failure to live up to these possibilities.”
— Ayn Rand (Goodreads)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Another lesson on fear where I should find the courage to live and I may have done so when I was but a child but with age has come a plethora of bad experiences and I’ve been down this road before. You Must Always Live Brave.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Thirty-First Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, did you love me before and now you’re so afraid of losing me that anyone else can be sacrificed only to keep me safe, but how shall I ever learn to become brave? How do I even define brave, you know what would have been brave today, talking to a pretty brunette, looking a man in the eye, hell maybe speaking a little bit louder, I swear these words.

As I said before courage is merely the acceptance of fear and doing what you wish, fear is a virus and courage found and practiced daily, but some days I guess I don’t and when you miss a day… That’s why I’m always telling myself to get out, to do things that make me afraid so I must be brave yet how foolish is that to seek out fear, “Remember What Fear Taste Like.” Is it not courageous though to face down the monster that I’m always called, to learn from experience and know I am a better man because when has such ideology ever helped me in the end?

Women *sigh* at the end of the day, however, I justify them I can still call it fear, but not when I find myself in pieces, and then that’s not fear at all, that’s actual danger. Nevertheless, that must be faced down. No, I take that back, you must face it head-on but what happens after that Madam Justice, fear not being equal to danger, but I get fired, I get in a fight, people think this or that of me? What about at this particular moment, what would a brave man do, what would an intelligent man do, see that’s the thing I can’t be either because for me the rule is more often you must always survive afraid.

I want to live Madam Justice honest I do, and it’s always once I have power, once I have nothing to lose, which of course is impossible, and in this situation, I stand to lose everything. It won’t be the first rule I’ve broken, and it won’t be the last… am I saying I’m giving up; Madam Justice tell me how, is it not brave to be myself even if that man is a sniveling coward, at least I survive?

One day though, I promise you, if I ever touch life, I won’t let it go and then my friend You Must Always Live Brave.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

I can’t describe it, and I could be just like everybody trembling, sweating, wanting to shut my eyes but then how would I ever make it through my day; if you only knew everything that scares me. Remember What Fear Taste Like.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

Thirtieth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but at least I’m not scared… entirely, because fear is a sickness; in the Bible, it says something to the tune of all have sinned but that’s not true, why should I have to pay for the first man that messed up? Fear, on the other hand, children aren’t born with that, this world infects them, and as far as a cure, there is none, no not one, if anything we can only become stronger.

We seek out fear to endure a greater one or maybe that’s just me, so I never forget the need, or the taste, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or what doesn’t kill you had better start running. Nine times out of ten we fear things that could never conceivably hurt us, I could go all political and talk about this country’s fear of black men and why it’s us that should be afraid. I could also tell you about how many people are scared of me, why else would I think of myself as a monster, the “boy” with his head down, keeping to himself, who scares pretty girls with handwritten sentiments, who only needs enough strength to stand today.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige ― After Earth

Fear is a choice Madam Justice, but like hate, there’s too damn much of it always, so what if I had the strength to stop being afraid there would still be those that fear me for being what I am. If I choose to be frightened those same people will wonder why I am terrified, with everything that I could be fearful of, a pretty girl at Walmart shouldn’t be one, a stupid bitch with a blog shouldn’t matter, the terror of losing my job. Why not become my father, who’s so afraid he allowed anger, rage, hate to consume him, Hell itself follows him but then again I usually give into lust, and that makes me even scarier right?

Courage, of course, is not the defeat of fear but merely it’s acceptance, what about power, will; dare I say, love, I’m almost tempted to say fear might be the highest power. I’ll even admit I like the look on a girl’s face in certain situations; fear can keep you awake. Of all the rules that I have this one is probably the easiest to adhere to every day sadly, Remember What Fear Taste Like.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 302 ~Never Learned To Wrap~

They don’t realize how much of an idiot you are until they open it, like my writing and somebody told me once I wear my heart on my sleeve, and of course, nobody wants to see that. Never Learned To Wrap, and I’m terrible at gift giving I suppose

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Lesson 302 ~Never Learned To Wrap~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today but “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday”… no, you would lose what’s left of your mind; how about a birthday, hell no, and Valentine’s everybody knows what they’re getting but you haven’t gotten it on that particular day. They say that it’s better to give than to receive and today you have had a bit of a revelation. That is you have nothing to offer this small world. Seriously are you becoming more depressed or what Will?

Think about it though, rules know creation for a reason, and maybe every person is given one gift and writing isn’t yours; before you say anything, you did complete one of your six impossible things. Anyway, what about the girls that say you have a keen fashion sense, wrapping gifts, e.g., lingerie that some other guy gets to take off of them, that’s not a gift that’s a curse. What about The Simpsons “will somebody please think of the children” yeah introducing a child to Star Wars, really did being a Star Wars fan do me any favors and speaking of favors, six impossible things?

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 43 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 50 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves (Cut The Yard? Find A Pet Groomer)
Completed (Backyard Cut, Two New Groomers Located)
3. I Will Not Trash My New Novel
Completed
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
Completed 77%
5. I Will Post A Review
Completed? Galahad Suns (Today)
6. I Will Finish My Book
Completed

If someone ever asked what’s the best gift you ever gave it would be your presence; and no that doesn’t make you sound conceited, hell look at what you’ve done, the idea that you can even show up for your own life is a miracle. It might be the best thing, and it’s already the worst, but that’s a conversation for Inspector Echo, showing up for a girl, what a test of courage that was. Now that’s a gift you should give yourself, COURAGE, and what men have been known to do in the name of some girl but what about the man in the mirror, next six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 50 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Edit At Least One More Chapter Of My Novel
4. I Will Complete 100% Of VLAD
5. I Will Post A Review
6. I Will Find Something That Makes Me Courageous

You always find a bit of courage for a few seconds at work, why can’t you hold on to it though, or maybe it’s not so much courage but “Will” and that’s always been the question, holding onto yourself and remember that no Fap rule would you. Maybe that’s the thing, everything you want to give shouldn’t be wrapped or is already, and so you never learned how but what is that thing you have to give at the end?

No you wouldn’t say anything as cheesy as “It’s Only Love” and you’re not that wise, and courage is yours, and never surrender any power and as far as everything else; Never Learned To Wrap.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 282 ~Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage~

What is a second of courage, an idea, a step, eye contact, a few more seconds, one foot in front of the other, and still there are more and am I facing oblivion yet, five minutes, an hour, what is twenty seconds that? Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage

Monday, April 9, 2018

Lesson 282 ~Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage~

Twenty-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, how can I be; I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion that the world will come to an end any second, so I’m forever trying to survive until the next five minutes. If I make it give five more, anyone who knows me can say I am a stickler for time unless I feel that whatever it is no longer matters, e.g., my day job, once upon a time I would show up fifteen minutes early.

Sometimes Madam Justice I can easily blame my OCD, but for the most part, it’s fear because when it comes to something like “women” as the song goes “Can We Talk.” Hell, I’m not asking for fifteen, five, hell I’m not asking for even a minute, all I need is twenty seconds, that’s the hard part. What can a man do in twenty seconds, I know women who would have some interesting answers, but men can destroy the world, or you can save a life, you can give love “If Only For One Night” and some might even offer forever.

Honestly Madam Justice I have yet to decide what type of man I will be even at my age, but unfortunately, I have yet to be a brave one, though people have seen different sides of me. Here’s the thing though, let’s reread the rule, I am focusing on “courage” when I should relish on “insane,” and that is something that most will not deny about me, this is something I utterly believe above all else. So if I can get the time right and feel what others think to be insane, as in I have great courage, what is stopping me, there is nothing.

I mean come on just today I have wasted over three hours of my life on something I believe has no value according to me… I am starting to sound like “Cherry” no matter how many times you tell her something she won’t understand. Maybe that’s the trick, thinking I’m insane when it might be the rest of the world, and I’m normal, sort of like that story that the girl told in Veronika Decides to Die: A Novel of Redemption, see how crazy I am becoming these days Justice.

I could be crazy enough to tell you why I didn’t go to prom, well more a story for Inspector Echo am I right? Anyway sometimes I think I see the bigger picture, and other times I only want to live the next few minutes well, sort of like “The 13th Warrior” but most of all I want to be the man I know I can be if I show Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage.

I Will Have No Fear