Log 242 ~Will Of Old Men~

You don’t talk they tell me and when I do, shut up, I don’t write I say and when I do block, delete trash, so of course, my best friend would be someone who can neither talk nor read. “Will Of Old Men, mine is to write.”

Friday, February 28, 2020

Log 242 ~Will Of Old Men~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I should be like everyone else and pay for silence. Right now, I’ll admit I can barely hear the humming my head is brimming with ideas. Today I know, the last Friday of February (Tuesday honest), I should be listening to My Dæmon’s loud barks. We’ll get to it, don’t you worry, but I had sort of a melding of the minds with Cherry this afternoon. You remember as I had with my Big Sister, but she’s in Australia. For want of a woman, and I’m talking to one in England. Good news, NaNoWriMo’s ready.

It’s hard keeping all of my stories together, but I believe my next one won’t be part of the series. Should I tell you the one that starred My Dæmon, albeit Transmogrified? I don’t even remember if I gave that novel a name. Well Lady Sophia, as with the rest of them it always begins or ends in some brothel. My Old Man is a horndog in every sense, but getting him neutered? If you told me way back then that it could buy him more time, I would have considered it. Am I typing too loud, or does he know because he took off upstairs? He’ll return, he always does. I see plenty of writers talk about cats, but my kid is the perfect writing companion. Don’t get me wrong, though; I’m starting to get like Marianne Engel from The Gargoyle. She’s the sculptress of grotesques; I’m the narrator of filth, excuse me pornography.

Now that leads me to talk about Cherry. I mused that she and I should write together and she said yes. Don’t get excited, Lady Sophia, you know how I get about group projects unless you’re an Australian mom. Cherry is much too tame (sleeping with a corpse). I’m also well, me (everything you’re going to do before making a corpse and after). So while she is working on The Cherry Chronicles, I’ll be writing a novella as well. A Minister, a mom, a Millennial, and a Man walk into a church, hmm. Sounds like the start of some bad joke, plus she’s no Millennial, truth be told I am. Anyway, will this be an Erotica? You know me so well, Lady Sophia but 12,540 words. I’m a stickler for math and alliteration. To write today, Will Of Old Men.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 235 ~Dizzying Heights Of Will~

I’m not scared of heights, well high prices, giving in to specific addictions, and the pitch my son makes if and when he gets into trouble, but I also keep my word count up, well maybe not today. “Dizzying Heights Of Will,” I keep climbing.

Friday, February 21, 2020

Log 235 ~Dizzying Heights Of Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so why am I starving. At this moment, I have $45.00 in my wallet, so that’s solved. $10.00 for gas, $15.00 for “redistribution,” and $20.00 directly to find a new place to eat. My two favorite restaurants closed, but come on, why not get a burger or something. Am I still ticked off at Audible for cheating me out of $5.00? For the record, I was buying Think and Grow Rich. Now also something you should know, who’s not starving, my little pancake; how he eats.

My Dæmon always has food, while I’m going without because I’m a Scrooge. Don’t get me wrong, Lady Sophia, I’m nobody’s charity case as I want to scream at the Day Job. If anything, I’m super selfish when it comes to myself. Okay, so I “buy” plenty of Pornography. I need to get comfortable with that word since I do intend to be a pornographer in one of my business ventures. Come on now, Lady Sophia, if Andrew Davidson’s character in The Gargoyle can say it plenty, why can’t I?

That’s what I’ve been doing at work, listening to The Gargoyle on Audible. One more book I bought while I was getting cheated. It’s one of my favorites to read and speaking of which, I’m still reading Siren: A Dark Retelling by Hazel Grace. I’m heading into that dangerous portion. Where I’m not sure, I should continue, like Chloe warning me in Detroit: Become Human.

One more game I’m not playing because of the “DANG” humming coming from the Den. I left a note for the neighbors, but they might not be the root cause. Talk about things I regret writing because aren’t I supposed to be talking about my son. Anyway, I was dizzy at the Day Job today (Tuesday) from lack of food, seriously I have cash, why not eat? In any case, my son, once upon a time, got so dizzy. He couldn’t jump, was having trouble walking, etc. It turns out there was a tick in his ear. Well, of course, I called the vet and set up an appointment the next day. I carried My Dæmon everywhere for hours, but he still wanted to walk, what a trooper. At the vet, his crying when they pulled out the tick, maddening.

I’m not scared of heights, none but his high wailing so, Dizzying Heights Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 228 ~Pancakes And The Willies~

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, THEY say, and while I can’t say I cook much, my heart is with a little four-legged kid who only yesterday turned 15, and yet I’m not bringing home a new mom. Pancakes And The Willies hmm

Friday, February 14, 2020

Log 228 ~Pancakes And The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and one day I will buy My Dæmon a pool full of fries. Yesterday was his birthday, and perhaps for this month, I want to share his story. It’s not like I’m reading anything or anybody cares. I even missed one Friday, but okay, let’s call this the story of Pancakes.

I tell my son every day, “I love you like pancakes.” When he wasn’t even a year old, and he was my nephew (my sister decided to have two-legged children). Anyway, I took him walking, he needed fresh air and to work his little legs. The next morning, he was looking handsome and healthy, he was happy. So I went to the kitchen as I forgot a drink with my breakfast. Coming back to my room, here was my wee little puppy man on the bed. His head buried in syrup goodness of French Toast or waffles. Lady Sophia to be young again. I should also ask what they put in those sausages since he avoided them? A day after that, another microwavable breakfast, this time pancakes. Fool me once, right. So I place them up high from his reach. My Mom says, “You must love pancakes,” the first reason.

The second comes from The Walking Dead, Episode 6×11 “Knots Untie.” Abraham and Glenn were talking about Maggie’s pregnancy. Abraham said when Glenn was pouring the “Bisquick,” was he trying to make “Pancakes.” Now I didn’t make my firstborn, but he is my son. He’s my child a Prince, a Protector, my “ride or die” Partner. Lady Sophia, he’s my best friend; that’s all I need to know. When I found myself here in this place, there wasn’t even a question he was staying with me without question. My Mom again would tell me when I was still living with them that he would defend my room and me against anything. Even now, as always, he’s lying here. Yep, taking a break from his patrol to be at my side.

Lastly, he hops into my lap, curls up, and sleeps without fail, that’s trust. He forms the perfect warm little pancake right there, and it’s like he melts. Sometimes he’ll even bring his favorite toy. I ask you, Lady Sophia, after feeling such love, is it any wonder I’m scared? 15 is a considerable age, so Pancakes And The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Writing has a way of revealing secrets, why don’t I do it more often then, maybe because some secrets should remain under the covers like me, but I decided to get up and live the dream perhaps the nightmare. “Gives Me The Willies”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason, not to be scared of horror movies, and I’ll merely say Take A Look At My Life, a testament to The Walking Dead and yeah maybe you’ll say I’m only lazy, there’s no denying that. I’ve been thinking a lot about these people at the day job, celebrating fifteen years on the job, I’m on seven myself and if I should ever make it to fifteen years in retail, do you know what I would want Sophia honestly?

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.” ― Dawn of the Dead

Does that sound somewhat harsh to you, yesterday to me is not a tale worth retelling, but I’m going to make a real journal entry for once and tell you about today; I woke up about 6:30 am, and my little boy wanted his walk, but daddy was busy playing The Walking Dead. While outside a young girl said “oh no” which is standard for any of the female species upon seeing me, her mother overheard which got her to bring their dog in that’s always running around. Climbed back into bed to continue my Walking Dead session and then broke my No Fap streak again in less than twenty-four hours, I’m not proud of it or what got me off, damn these Beautiful Girls.

“For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

Woke up so my kid could answer nature’s call and as I told Indiana Gone, I went all “Forrest Gump” since I’d gone this far, I might as well eat breakfast, put on pants, fix another bowl, wash dishes, make the bed, even talk to you. You know something Lady Sophia, I’ve had an epiphany, maybe that’s why dogs are blessed with four legs because today he needed to be the man and I’m no more than an animal, so he loaned me legs. Speaking of being an animal my second epiphany or more an understanding from The Walking Dead or maybe Detroit: Become Human, a bit of both, I haven’t earned the right to be alive Lady Sophia, I live vicariously through the books I read and write, movies, music, games because when I walk outside the thing is:

“But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped in to enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, rest in peace. Now get up and go to war. And then after a few years of pretending he was dead… he made it out alive. That’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then, we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we’ll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead.” ― The Walking Dead 05X10

That’s why I hate “The Day” life to me was never a gift and when two people who gave it regret it why shouldn’t I, sure people at work laugh, people around town too. I give people stuff to do, but if I didn’t exist, people would rest in peace, hell so would I. I don’t have to fear the monsters dear Lady Sophia. I can write to my heart’s content. This life is much scarier. And sitting here another day, going out, almost thirty-four years dodging the box my friend Gives Me The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

Would you leave a million dollars on the street, what would my other million think, well actually Braxton is priceless but I do feel sorry for that dog, and that’s a whole lot of love? “Love A Blank Check”, well I probably would right?

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did see a million dollars in the middle of the street to today… yeah, probably plenty more than that but what’s important is I didn’t pick it up. Now before you say I’m crazier than usual let’s get to the lesson that’s I would love a blank check.

Ever heard the expression “if wishes were horses…” I’m sure there are plenty of little girls wishing for a horse, now all I ever wished for once upon a time was a dog and through a twist a fate, I got Braxton. Now of course when I started growing up I wanted even more but how I never realized that a dog is a blank check when it comes to love. I mean I never dreamed I could love anything so much and that something would love me so strongly.

“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” Eames (Tom Hardy), Inception (2010)

That’s why I will never understand how people just let dogs go, I mean all the love in the world that comes to you on four legs, wagging its tail, wanting nothing more than to be with you. I’m sure I’ve told a Braxton story here or there, the first time my sister brought him in and I asked myself what I was willing to do for him and the answer was anything, not a trace of doubt in my mind. All that love for the taking and I wonder what I ever did to earn it, love wasn’t a prize, it wasn’t something I could buy, though I’ve had $500 offers for Braxton, humanity has always been so silly.

I’ve read “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than himself” and it just gets me to thinking how I’ve been feeling, crying out for love and he’s like “I’m right here dad”. Again silly, but I like to imagine he would call me dad, I wonder what dogs call their humans, I’m sure he’s only heard my name from my usual guest coming by.

“Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you.” Idiocracy

Love is a fan club, where we are both the idol and the fans, which is probably why I’m looking for something so much deeper, and no I’m not talking about marriage, yet, though if Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) or let’s face it, Jennifer Lawrence… I’m sure you’re wondering why I am in such a lovey-dovey mood, I’m still trying to love myself while the getting is good, still high.

“He comes in through the kitchen door, wants my dinner and then some more, he’s my idol and I’m his fan, that’s my Back Door Man” sung by Vanita Smythe – Back Door Man (1946)

For the longest I’ve been more of the fan, I did mention Jennifer Lawrence but let me say both idol and fan can be driven crazy, another trait I’m learning is our nonstop vanity. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that and being a fan right now I can say with absolute certainty, I don’t care if you don’t like me, I love me, yeah I have been watching too much YouTube lately. Personally, though I have always found it annoying how people say love so casually, I love me for the moment, I love Braxton, I’ll always love my momma but a short list ain’t it?

Being an idol though has it’s draw backs, like with dogs I hate disappointing Braxton, or “Indiana Gone” nobody else really looks at me that way I suppose. Being a dominant sort of means you want to be an idol, and that takes a submissive, the ironic thing is, your servant becomes your master too, now I’m no Christian Grey… don’t want to be except with my bank account. I still find it so funny though, when people turn into Stewie Griffin and act like you’re some holy roller whose life meaning is to worship them other than hey so you’re a hot chick, nice.

“Understand this, okay? I absolutely, positively cannot be the only person falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It’s got to be mutual.” – The Big Hit (1998)

Around this month there has been nothing but girls that want to do me, girls I want to do, and those that think too highly of themselves not that can blame them, I like loving myself and no I did not mean it like that Luna. The thing is when it comes to being a fan or an idol you constantly have to reinforce it like I said Braxton loves me whatever and I’m the same but people are trickier.

“When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily… One who understand this, understand life….”

I wish I could say something so beautiful Lady Lu, but I’ll say that like is your job and love is what you would make a career and for now I have quit my job… careful just in case I have any work friends here. I’ve told you what I believe love happens to be but I will say I was rather impetuous in my youth when I used that word, so I rarely do, except to someone who can’t speak a word to me.

Stupid things I have done when was being a dog, told you about the “Iron Maiden” there was the girl I wrote a song for, one of my girls of the week years back. I bought a porn star a lot of stuff that never got there, her fault, Amazon wish list right, of course, there was tons of poetry too. How about “Wonderland” haven’t scared her off but love can be profitable like too, I bought “M Anime” a katana sword, and I wanted to sleep with her once upon a time, not anymore, yeah I like my friends.

Yesterday I was thinking about insults, not against me for once but I was thinking the worst thing you can say to a straight woman who thinks she’s the shit is yeah you make me want to go gay… how many people have I offended with that? I’ve gotten a few gay offers but yeah I know what I want anyway, so I’m thinking you know me and the dirty talk about calling a woman a bitch and what has today been about, dogs, Braxton is no bitch but a guy calls a girl a bitch but he loves dogs. God that stupid song from Destiny’s Child “Say My Name” but isn’t that inspiration, isn’t that love like is thinking the song up, love is listening to it, making a mental note to download it, and it popping up on your playlist sometimes just because.

“Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.”
― from Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle

So what have we learned today other than the fact that I have a whole lot of love and I’m no thief, okay he was a big dog, a bit too much love for me maybe Braxton is plenty but I have a big heart maybe. I don’t think love is a prize or something that must be earned, all we are waiting for is the right combination, is that deep, Love A Blank Check.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

I think I talked about before that being a man is one thing and that we are all trying to be greater and to do great things, so I wonder is that what I accomplished today. Zero to Hero, I’m no hero but the score must have gone up today

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

Braxton wasn’t a rescue you know, that in no way diminishes his life but he wasn’t saved or rescued, from what I know my “father” shelled out hundreds so my sister could have a purse accessory. Big plans for a small pup and even now, there was an old man that offered me five hundred dollars so his wife could have a little lap dog.

It wasn’t enough, it will never be enough, there wasn’t the slightest bit of temptation, Braxton is mine and I like to think I am his, we protect each other, stay together no matter what. It’s to the point that if the zombies come and I pray that they do that I hope they’re like the “Dawn of the Dead” zombies, you know the ones that wouldn’t eat dogs. So what if they were right, I wouldn’t abandon Braxton, I would die before he does, and that’s simply a fact, a conclusion drawn from the moment we first met Luna.

Now what does that make me, some people would say I’m an idiot, I mean what is Braxton to them, a four-legged, seven pound, bit of fluff but like any real pet owner will tell you, our pets are our children. A parent does right for their children out of love right, responsibly, you bring a life into the world that life is yours, that life holds value, you have expectations and obligations am I right? Now I don’t have any two-legged kids and to be honest, the thought of having any scares me nearly to death but I do want them someday, or at least that’s how I feel at this particular moment really.

I think that such an endeavor makes us better people and I’m sure there are a million good reasons to have kids, love, legacy, the continuation of life but I ask why do I love Braxton so? Of course, he’s mine, so explain to me why does he love me so, what makes him a hero to me and why did I join the club.

“It isn’t the love of a hero, that’s why I fear it won’t do.” Hero

Now that’s a bit presumptuous of me, I’m no hero, I will be the first person to tell you that; first thing that comes to mind is courage and do I have that? What about selfless, what about stupid, goes back to “That’s Not a Compliment” but people in love are heroes and that’s a fine bit of insanity and then there is just timing.

“Well look at this. ‘Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Big damn heroes, sir.

Ain’t we just.” Firefly (Safe) Episode 5

So this morning, Braxton is busy with his praise the sun routine “walking” helps me out you know, fewer people, less anxiety; so we’re at the end of the street and we spot our neighbor’s dog; Braxton’s Frenemy. I wouldn’t leave him Luna, no collar, on his own for days, another neighbor reporting him missing, probably hungry, scared, so I called out to him. Isn’t that another thing we have talked about, I mean take me all in, T-shirt, sweatpants, holding back a fierce Braxton, and I have “Lucille” with me, all heroes don’t wear capes but come on.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel (Deep Down)

It wasn’t a question, for thirty minutes, I called, I coaxed, I set Braxton down because even in Braxton’s anger that little dog saw a kindred spirit, and he followed us from house to house. I was afraid neighbors see a black man carrying a blunt instrument, though honestly, I wasn’t scared of the cops, my anxiety was working overtime but I just could not leave that little dog all alone. One of the neighbors even stopped and checked out “Lucille” a white guy, I let him hold it though I never let go and he smiled and eventually went about his day as I continued calling this lost dog.

I did it, I got him home, rushed Braxton into the house, grabbed some treats and went back to the lost little one and got him back to his yard and I shut the fence. Didn’t tell anyone what I had done right then except a friend who wanted me to contact the neighbors and honestly Luna that scared me.

Honestly, I have no quotes on courage because I don’t know what it is, to me, courage is being afraid to do something and then thinking to yourself, what the hell and doing it anyway.

Again I’m no hero, I remember last year “Black Friday” I was at work, of course, maybe it was the year before last, anyway I saw this lost little girl and I was freaked out but I asked her to follow me, I got her to customer service and fortunately her mom was standing in line. Is it wrong to say I was more scared of helping her to the point that I didn’t want to, I could have passed her by but this dog there was just no doubt in my mind you know? Same with that MILF I told you about the other day, first I helped her out because I would hope somebody would do the same for me and then I thought I would have helped her out more because she was desperate and I could have gotten her to do something for me, anxiety is a blessing and a curse.

If anything Braxton teaches me about courage, how many phone calls have I made, people I have cursed out, been prepared to fight, other dogs I have stood against to see to his safety. Of course, I did the same for my sister back in the day but that was not courage, that was the idea that if something happened to her my family would kill me, and so no I would not call myself a hero in any sense.

I thought about all those men that got shot defending, wives, girlfriends, first dates in those shootings, take your pick and how it’s expected for men to do that sort of thing and is it fair. How about if you save yourself, Lady Lu, does that make you a hero then, according to the movie “Defending Your Life” (1991) it doesn’t so the fact that I’m still alive is no big whoop is it. So zero to hero, I got the zero down pact, well actually a friend asked me where I saw myself on my “Blackjack Scale” and while I’m no hero for a little bit today I didn’t exactly feel like a zero, well not until the adrenaline started wearing off after everything.

“If there’s no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters…, then all that matters is what we do. ‘Cause that’s all there is. What we do. Now. Today.” Angel (Epiphany)

The lesson Luna, at the end of the day I don’t want to be a hero, I’m not sure I’m what’s best for Braxton, and giving that dog back to people I didn’t see mount an effort to find him… I actually see myself as a villain but don’t we all want that hero’s moment and courage, Zero to Hero.

“You want to see a man? That’s a man.” Kevin Costner – The Postman (1991)

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” Hercules

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)