Log 343 ~Want Is Just Another Virus~

Ignorance and Want only it’s nowhere near Christmas, I know, but if I ever have the money? Well, considering how I feel about the Day Job or the things I actually want to do for a living, I can tell you “stuff” I want. Want Is Just Another Virus

Monday, June 8, 2020

Log 343 ~Want Is Just Another Virus~

Hundred And Forty Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now… or how I want to be. Now, this is the perfect rule for right this second. It’s times like these, I realize that I have a problem. THEY talk about how “some” black men emulate Tony Montana. The Money, Power, Women, Gimme.

It’s no secret that this week I want, hell, I need money. I ought to be ashamed, Madam Justice. Only today (Saturday) I had a full day, and what have I done with it? To my shame, I slept, and Eric Thomas often talks about being willing to give up sleep. There’s also the fact I wanted that so badly I didn’t get myself a snack. How much will it cost to get over my fear of being awake? Even now, I checked out my schedule for next week and what do think I saw. SHOES, HOME & KIDS, dammit, I want money, so I’ll never have to listen to these STUPID people ever again. Now isn’t that the dream, and sounding like Trump? I do think having money does make you deaf. Of course, I hear everything which tells you all about my finances.

You know I’m one to quote Master Yoda, Fear, Anger, Hate, Suffering. Money leads to Power or the whole Rock, Paper, Scissors Dynamic. Power, Knowledge, Money. Money buys Power, Knowledge can take Money, Power crushes Knowledge. I want the power to not look STUPID. At this time, I want enough strength to stand up to my boss. Anger makes me sick, Madam Justice. I would say it makes me powerful, but here I am like a lamb to the slaughter and why? A Black woman and now ain’t the time.

What, for women? As Jake Morgendorffer put it, “God, God, Dammit,” how do you think I woke up after my nap? Drooling over “Specs,” Alyson Hannigan, and I’ll take a shot at saying Alison Rey because I need to stop looking at porn. I’m a master detective when it comes to that but can’t find one old lady, an electric knife. Even with NO FAP, I’m going crazy, and I want to… well, go off like a fire hose. I remember the words satisfaction is the death of desire, and that’s why I’m a dead man most of the time.

At least want shows I’m still fighting or about to. Want Is Just Another Virus.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 336 ~Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage~

Last week I said I barely notice the Coronavirus (COVID-19) anymore, and I’m not alone in that. Besides all the fears that come with being a black man in this country. I have to find the courage to even get out of bed. “Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage”

Monday, June 1, 2020

Log 336 ~Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage~

Hundred And Thirty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now… yep along with saying I’m hopeful. I’m sorry to say Madam Justice; all I have is the fear. Oh, and the lusts, I can’t forget about that. As the song goes, it takes two, but what do you get when you add terror and horniness? Isaku, Dark Shell, The Harvest Night? I would advise you not to look those up. So why even say their names, you ask me? Allow me this small luxury, it’s taking everything not to look at them myself, amongst other things. Tip of the iceberg I tell you but back to business.

I tell you every now and again, I am not a man of faith. At this moment, however, as the song goes. Please allow me to improvise, I’m a man of God with no need for saving. Hell, that’s the very first thing, especially with the current news, to live as I will, no allowance. From a concept to a prayer. For this week, I pray for courage not only for myself but for my son. He has faith I will return. You can even call it, hope when I tell him so. Through I shared fear sadly of the world beyond these walls, we combine our strength to survive. Madam Justice, I fear this entire week though, so wherein lies my hope. Dare I dream of my Six Impossible Things? Lies aren’t they, each and every week. I don’t hope I have good days. No, I fear that day when I’ll get myself fired.

So again, I’m looking for courage. Fear Plus Hope, but how about Purpose And Why. Here’s another song for you, Joy And Pain, as my aunt taught me? Here and now Madam Justice I am afraid, but I’m telling myself I will be better. Like at the Day Job last week, how I got birds slamming into the door now. How about the fact that my “father” is coming over? Fear can serve as great motivation, but it’s running with no destination, and your legs give, and you end up like me. Yeah, lying in bed, hoping that you won’t have to wake up tomorrow. What do I hope for, though, and that’s pretty damn easy to answer ahem WOMEN.

My purpose, but why? When can I tell the world that, to be that brave? Fear Plus Hope Equals Courage.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 351 ~Crazy, The Best People Are~

Crazy to say I’m a father, B III is my son, crazier to sing If I Had A Million Dollars, craziest to want to own a brothel in Nevada. It worked for Dennis Hof. He had Domino, was a Rich Pimp, and the Bunny Ranch. “Crazy, The Best People Are”

Monday, June 17, 2019

Episode 351 ~Crazy, The Best People Are~

Eighty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, I’ve never stopped believing. Now Madam Justice I am also crazy, there’s not a doubt in my mind. We might all be mad, and there are several categories. The people who believe there sane are the worst of us. Ironic isn’t it; you would think I like them the best. There are the people in jail, attach anything you want to them. Some kill, some want money, some commit all manners of atrocities. Their reasoning, of course, makes sense to them. Others accept what they are and then what?

Let’s start with the crazy I know. I’ve never been a drunk or a smoker of “cigarettes.” Never abused any woman; okay, I hit my little sister when I was a child, and it was her ankle. I got the shit whipped out of me that night. I hate the church but respect a few believers. One day I hope our beginning or end involves the viral hordes of the undead. There are aliens out there somewhere. Death isn’t the end, but I don’t buy any religious philosophy around its conception. I could go on, but what about crazy these past few days? I’ve organized one Pinterest board into Seventy-One sections. Too afraid to change some titles. Even now haven’t made one stride towards my poetry compilation. I still think I’ll be arrested any day now for words. My Day Job destroys me, but I’m not leaving it anytime soon.

Madam Justice I would instead people think of me as CRAZY than STUPID. You know that’s my trigger, but they both originate from the same place, my “FATHER.” If what he is, Christian? Smoker, wife beating, wife cheating, anger-driven madman passes for complete sanity? Well, crazy isn’t winning me anything ever but a dog and a few friends. One less I’m afraid as I haven’t heard from “Okay” in forever. What about the man in the mirror? He doesn’t look crazy; he seems, well dead.

Should be since I forgot about Father’s Day. It’s only a crazy man or pathetic one still needing Daddy’s help. Is it crazy to believe I can do better? Mad to want to have my brothel someday from “Humping Harlot Hannah” to “Man Milk Mackenzie.” Told you I’ve been busy. I have Faith of the Heart in a million, but I’ll have billions. I’m better; Crazy, The Best People Are.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 344 ~You Should Start Tomorrow Today~

As a Dominant I know all about the importance of trust, physically, mentally momentarily, privacy, and while I have no problem sharing my thoughts *snickers* Outskirts Press wants a great many pennies so why not. You Should Start Tomorrow Today.

Monday, June 10, 2019

Episode 344 ~You Should Start Tomorrow Today~

Eighty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, but by tomorrow I should have two million. Madam Justice it seems that every little coincidence has lined up to tell me to go for it. My book, the money is there, I’m all set and then smash. A lousy word considering what I intended to use $1,200, again MILF Dos drools. Today I was getting ready to payoff Outskirts Press, but I don’t know who to trust. You should have seen me this morning I was ready, how could I not be now?

Am I breaking today’s rule as we speak and after working the Day Job? I know who to hate, fear, and the other head. Madam Justice I have jumped from Sydney Sweeney (I should stop watching The Handmaid’s Tale)? Hayley Pullos, Alycia Debnam-Carey, Kelli Berglund I could go on for a while. Well not on my bank account and the ironic thing is, most of those dollars were preparing for my end. You heard me before say Alamo, my Alamo Project, the Fund I set up, as in Just In Case. A thousand dollars, a nice hotel room, having fun with a hooker. Next would be the best drugs I could find or hell This Is America, but maybe I shouldn’t finish that thought. Here I am, and there’s still time to sign on Outskirts.

If I could start tomorrow today, it would be nothing like reality. A work day in my dream life would begin with a full eight hours of sleep. Listening to tunes with my wife and since it’s Summer, if not X-rated fun time, I want to enjoy being with my family. B III is starting to go gray, but he loves his siblings. My submissive cooks, excuse me, that’s my wife. I will check on my holdings, which aren’t far. As always brothel, hotel, strip club, restaurant, a small studio. Now my main movie studio will be based in Hollywood. Might shoot a movie, and afterward take a light nap. Go out with my family to our private beach, watch my kids play, my wife pulls me away from my writing. Dinner, movies, put my kids to bed and do things to my wife that put adult cinema to shame.

So why can’t I have that? I don’t fear failure. I fear people. Only somehow, someway I know Madam Justice You Should Start Tomorrow Today.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 337 ~My Mercy Prevails Over Wrath~

I’m not asking God for mercy, but maybe of all women, because they are all beautiful in their way, one is even going to be a cover model; if anything I should have mercy on myself for waiting so long writing. “My Mercy Prevails Over Wrath.”

Monday, June 3, 2019

Episode 337 ~My Mercy Prevails Over Wrath~

Eighty-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now as the UNIVERSE gives us whatever we may desire. It may be the words to overcome an absolute fear. I read this morning all about the FEAR OF POVERTY shudders. Something else to overcome as if a Facebook post is anything to scare me. If you recall I sent the “Rainbow Girl” a butterfly and she freakin’ blocked me. So I sent someone else the Titanic “To The Stars.” What about this rule today or a rainstorm to clean my chair on the porch? Yeah, that’s a bit much?

Let’s stick with the rule, B III has been on punishment for breaking one of the laws. Now I have 365 I break always. I did the math, and I have twenty-eight episodes left for this year. Anyway here’s B III’s rules of this house:

  1. Never bite or even growl at the hand that feeds and protects you (Emergency)
  2. Answer when called, eight out of ten it is location, the other two meds and outside
  3. Stealing is not necessary, never be afraid to ask
  4. TRY not to crap in the house (Understandable Reasons, Sickness, Daddy’s Laziness)

As for his crime, as we speak, he broke rule two. He stayed barking at women and children rather than answer when I asked. What did I say about the Titanic? MILF Dos was cool with the Gif by the way. If I was as hard on myself every time, I broke a rule. I would pop myself with a rubber band at the Day Job. Indiana Gone and Cherry think I’m crazy denying myself, porn. I’m still not counting Patreon, and I did look up a particular actress sigh.

I don’t want to be my “old man” there were no rules, only OBEY and everything else was STUPID. As much as I enjoy Cobra Kai, I’m not one for the ideology of “No Mercy.” Do right by me and gain my loyalty, hurt me, and yes then I am one to be merciless. As a Dom the things I want from a “Handmaid” (yes I’m still watching that show). More from a submissive is my mercy to the world, as are my books, and desires in my head. Ask me of wrath, and I can name my father and the Day Job. Should I have MERCY on B III? My Mercy Prevails Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 330 ~Stupidity Is Not An Entitlement~

Another day of mourning and remembrance, today is Memorial Day and a favorite restaurant of mine closing down shop, and yet my brain is full of thoughts of money and not being stupid with it, people deserve better. Stupidity Is Not An Entitlement

Monday, May 27, 2019

Episode 330 ~Stupidity Is Not An Entitlement~

Eighty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, but I’m not stupid. Hell, Madam Justice if I were to name the top crimes, stupidity would surely be among the top five. It’s sad to say I share in the guilt of such a thing. No matter how much money I acquire, isn’t there a saying about a fool and his money? Anyway, this morning, my brain has been on fire with all sorts of ideas. Things like out of the Playboy Mansion.

Money, in a way, allows you to be stupid, which is why I watch some give it away. Though and yes, I’m a broken record. I have no respect for someone making billions and then having a charity “whatever.” Then handing over a million like that helps. How about those who share their wealth for a church. Look I want to see the Norte Dame. Only if you can raise over a half billion while people starve in the street every day, how did Chris Rock say it? “That shit is wrong.” I’ve also pointed out that if I ever mention the French Riviera or Caviar, shoot me. Look I will go to France one day, and I’ve never been inclined to taste fish eggs eww.

On the other hand, poverty makes people do some strange things. I’ve never tried pig feet or chitlins. My family has, though, like something out of slavery survival handbook.

Speaking of books, I won’t say my family is wealthy, but I am a bit hoity-toity. I don’t buy store brands. I’ll spend more if a company has done right by me in the past. As for the Day Job, once I have my salary, the store isn’t getting its money back. Even for discounts. I want enough money to stay me and to set me on my path to getting more. Oh, before I forget the great five ideas and the top five crimes.

  1. Convince Girls To Model For Me And Serve As Inspiration For Writing “Sex Sells”
  2. Find A Job At The Moonlite Bunny Ranch; A Driver, Ads For The Lovers, Busboy
  3. Escort Agency; Again As A Driver
  4. Start A Patreon With My Models, Ask Milf Dos
  5. Finish One Of My Books Finally

As you can see, I’m going over my time, which has been the theme for today. Well besides it being Memorial Day or the first day without the Seafood & Chicken Box. Americans didn’t die for us to be behind the rest of the world. Why don’t I ask, why didn’t I buy the restaurant? I’m still reaching for my million, and I could use the “goo” for the place I’ll open in Nevada when I make it there. I’m making plans, I didn’t inherit wealth, and that’s a good thing, I’m not stupid Justice; Stupidity Is Not An Entitlement.

  1. Destruction Of Spirit
  2. Rape
  3. Harming Animals Or Children
  4. Treachery “Donald Trump”
  5. Murder, Of Anyone That Doesn’t Have It Coming Somehow

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 323 ~Always Choose Hope Over Fear~

I was hoping to say “Long Live Queen Daenerys Targaryen of the Seven Kingdoms,” but I did fear that something like this would happen to her and thus the Game Of Thrones concluded but what about real life. Always Choose Hope Over Fear.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Episode 323 ~Always Choose Hope Over Fear~

Eighty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now but am I hoping for more or fearing that I will lose what I have. You know me Madam Justice like Daenerys Targaryen, may she R.I.P. I have my ambitions. There is one common phrase; “I Want It All.” Fear comes when you have plenty. So that is why one must push forward. You can run from fear, face it down, or destroy it. Only let me take another quote from Game Of Thrones.

“Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are not safe.”

Now I won’t lie to you. When I rise on any given morning, I don’t HOPE for the best going to the Day Job. Those people made it impossible. Instead, I prepare for the worse, and still, there are specks of light. Remember, yesterday I had a little conversation with myself? Yeah, the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. I wasn’t hoping for one, wishing or anything so I get two in my lap. Hell, I should stop praying for respect at the Day Job, and it will fall out of the sky now. Is it my fear that I’ll never have it at all and again I have enough, a paycheck.

Why does hope scare me so? If anything, it is my hope that should frighten them. For they say Caesar was ambitious, Madam Justice I wanted to buy an airline for vengeance. I did start writing a short story about it. I hope I’ll have enough money to shut down my Day Job. Enough that Walmart will overtake Target. Noted I hate them both but Target fired me and why; FEAR. Losing all I had, my S.A.D. I could continue. Only there was never any hope there. Those that people have for me should scare me more than my desires any day, dear Madam Justice.

I say it often enough, my hopes. Write a bestseller, make one million dollars. Move to Nevada, buy-in to Dennis Hof’s brothels or build my own, then a restaurant. Nudie Bar, love hotel, movie studio. All this and have a family. Only then I’ll know the fear of having something to lose. Hell, I have B III, and I won’t even put such a thought in the universe because he is going to live forever.

So yes, hope can drive many a man insane, but fear is a death sentence. It did end the Mother of Dragons Queen Daenerys Targaryen; Always Choose Hope Over Fear.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 244 ~How “Write” You Are~

A man of my word, a man of few words, but if I had to choose one word, it would be hope, but that’s not going to be enough as Carl Grimes once said, I’m going to need words galore, promises, punishments, posts. How “Write” You Are

Friday, March 2, 2018

Lesson 244 ~How “Write” You Are~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, and I would like to think I’m a man of my word, indeed a man of words, only how often must I admit that words fail me? Then again I talked about having an epiphany the other day, living my life as though my submissive, my wife, the future mother of my children is watching me and for some reason, those words mean a bit more honestly.

Love is exhausting, to say the least, and I can only imagine it will get worse when I have someone; it’s weird how words on paper provoke a different reaction than words that we write on our hearts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t “love” my job, and as that bastard general manager made clear, there is no contract saying I have to stay with the company, fair enough. Only I gave my word to; I guess myself, to go in when I’m supposed to, I do my best… most of the time, and while my father never taught me the value of a man’s word now, the concept carried weight and didn’t I say I hate lies, without purpose?

“I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read in some fuckin’ book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t want to do that do you sport?” Sean/Robin Williams ― Good Will Hunting (1997)

I tell you and the others, Lady Sophia, that I’m going to write every day and here we are two hundred and forty-four lessons in, sometimes two a day just because I’m busy on a particular day. How about my novel though, I think I signed a contract for NaNoWriMo, and I did it in November, but then again I signed an agreement to start editing and January, February just flew by didn’t they? What about love though, what about dignity, do you know how hard it is; better a conversation with Dirty Diana but I lift my feet up when I walk, I talked more at my day job, and when the porn mood strikes… I looked up the girl, downloaded the video of the picture (thank you Pinterest) and haven’t watched it since.

Hell, that must mean I’m already expecting to chalk up another failure but not today; I think I’m starting to see why some sign contracts in blood. Could it be that I have just been using the wrong medium all this time or I need someone to keep tabs on me; back to my hypocrisy, I have my word, but I don’t trust myself sadly.

Why do you think I write out all my secrets here, including my humiliations, my sadism, right down to the days I just FAP… maybe because seeing it, speaking, remembering will one day help me to keep my word I hope, How “Write” You Are.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear