Log 232 ~Does Will Have Soul~

If I sold my soul to Hell, I suppose I would be a rich man already. I guess it’s the last thing I have to save for a future wife because “other” things well let’s say I have had some exciting experiences, some good and evil. Does Will Have Soul?

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Log 232 ~Does Will Have Soul~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’ll never be a politician. In today’s age, considering my business dealings, I would be more than suitable. Well, seeing I’m a black man, with more than liberal views. Let’s keep in mind my hero was voted to the Nevada Assembly, and he was dead. He’s also one of few Republicans I respect. Now that leads me to today, which I’m glad to say was without incident. Well, a spammer on Facebook, but nothing reported email wise. I’m a much better man than that Love.

Only I continue to worry, baby girl, my phone still has me jumping. Not in the fantastic playlist way because you know I must have my music. While we’re on the subject, I do have my “Stork The Fire” and “Grown Folks Music” playlists. Would my parents be proud? Now, as far as my palate in the realm of “Soul Food,” I can’t say I’m much of a fan. One Thanksgiving, I am going to invite my mom and my sister. While I’m not so sure about my sister’s cooking, my mom is an expert. Not saying that I want her to cook, but she made sure I didn’t starve. She also taught me respect for women. As I tell you, always there are no secrets between you and me.

My firstborn, my dæmon, won’t be spilling my confidences anytime soon. So tonight I sit here contemplating the term, SOULMATE.

I tell myself every day that I share my soul with the world. One of my rules #148 Women Always Find Out The Truth. Nobody can take all that I am, My Love. Do I doubt you, of course not, but could I be honest, you need only ask anything? I heard this song the other day, “Not Afraid Anymore” by Halsey, she sings, “Heaven gonna hate me.” My life, my businesses are things people call evil. Trust me, baby doll. Those people have no idea. At the same time, I sing, “Cause without you they’re never going to let me in'” (Heaven) I mean. If I have a soul, I will give it all to you. On the same token, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t feel so bad. I’m not the President, I know right from wrong. I have a soul; I want to be a better man for you. Does Will Have Soul?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 295 ~Until You Know, Keep Asking~

I know a little bit about many things and while no one is a fool for asking when did silence suddenly come to mean “retardation,” and so I’m not talking to those people anymore but instead speaking to the Universe. “Until You Know, Keep Asking”

Monday, April 22, 2019

Episode 295 ~Until You Know, Keep Asking~

Eighty-First Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now. I’ve stopped asking how and started believing in now. So when’s the last time I listened to any of my motivations. Well okay other than the one about money. Only I will keep doing that along with tempting the UNIVERSE, every day Madam Justice.

The thing is, I’m tired of looking; well you know the word. Yes, that happens mostly at the Day Job which is why I sing, and I don’t care who hears. I know now I’m alive and I’m not going to ask permission to do so. Still strangely enough singing is having a positive effect. However, I don’t take shifts where I have to ask questions. I don’t ask to move from one location to the next. I’m living this life with the belief that I know what I’m doing from now on. In truth who has any idea? Of course, this leads me back to those people that don’t know. Then I do ask the question of when am I going to tell them to keep their hands off me. I swear one day.

If I’m looking forward to any day, then it has to be when I get a decision from Cherry. You remember when I dared to ask MILF Dos about modeling for me. Shocker, I never thought it to be possible she would say yes. I got “Okay” to take off her clothes, and that didn’t take anything but what, my charming personality. I’ve been asking her ever since though and ain’t that a story Madam Justice. Cherry though, I’ve mapped out the photo shoot. Even gave it a name “Cherry Pickin.’” Nevertheless, I ask and continue to do so because I got to know. Funny know and no, and I’m hoping for the former always.

You see it doesn’t make anyone stupid to ask. What hurts the most is when everyone expects you to, it’s like that Twilight Zone Episode The Path. For the longest time, I’ve been asking questions about things I know. I read somewhere that nobody gives you the education to overthrow them. Only some people overestimate my desires for their position in this life. Again you know what I want in life. The Universe and I have never been close, but I’m learning to trust it. Just does that mean losing faith in people as well? Until You Know, Keep Asking.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 288 ~You Only Have Your Word~

Allow me to look into the past this one time, I missed this Rule last week, but that’s what “Camp NaNoWriMo” does, let’s say I gave my word to write my novel and everything has fallen to the wayside. “You Only Have Your Word”

Monday, April 15, 2019

Episode 288 ~You Only Have Your Word~

Seventy-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now; that’s something I may have forgotten. That’s topping the significant fact that I skipped Rule Seventy-Nine last week. From now on, I’ll start with my “Show Me The Money” playlist. Every day I’m working or taking B III out for walks. Now I could go into apology mode as I do with Inspector Echo. I’m sorry I forgot how PHENOMENAL I am, that no matter what I seem to do my rage won’t leave. I even asked the UNIVERSE for more Day Job shenanigans.

The Law Of Attraction, I can’t stop thinking about work. I believe that more of it is coming and low and behold what will I be doing? I gave my word didn’t I that I would stay in a positive state of mind, that I would only ask for good. I believe I am a man of my word Madam Justice. The only thing is by keeping my word of everything I want in my life who will I become. As the song goes, “I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame.” Only as my motivations say, you have to change how you speak to yourself, and that’s hard.

It would help if I was around people that deserved, excuse me, please, and thank you. Remember that bitch janitor, (LANGUAGE) who decided to have a gossip club where I was walking. So I said “Watch Out,” and she got mad and said, “how about this, excuse me.” No, the words are “Move Bitch, get out the way.” Only now the General Manager calls me out in the middle of everyone, and I think of my next words. What I have received from the Universe and as a child I thought $200 would be enough. Ha, I paid more than that to see the MILF’s tits (LANGUAGE). So again I gave my word last year that come September 2019 I would have a million in the bank. I do, I can’t spend it, can’t swim in it yet but it’s there. Madam Justice, I know.

My words aren’t always right. I don’t want to lie, but if anything I want my word to mean something. It’s a promise, my name, or the truth, whatever. Once I give my word Madam Justice, I will see it through. I will stand for it. Worth, Wrath, Wantonness, Will, You Only Have Your Word.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 281 ~Fight Or Flight, Your Choice~

At the Day Job, what’s wrong with “being,” if I had anywhere else to go; if my motivations, mentors, and musings agree on anything at all it would be that I have to Fly Away, Run Boy Run, hey, hey I want to be a Rockstar. Fight Or Flight, Your Choice

Monday, April 8, 2019

Episode 281 ~Fight Or Flight, Your Choice~

Eightieth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, or with my current way of thinking, what will I do with the money? During my Meditation today, I imagined a vast yard for B III to play in, cut to a negative thought. A pool but I was more worried about him, the plights of a father isn’t that right? Also, can’t wait for this next season of Cobra Kai and so I envisioned my dojo. Only for me, I’m nobody’s sensei, and words are my way of fighting back. Still, I took Karate when I was younger. “I know Kung-Fu” as Neo put it, just positive vibes, and Best of the Best.

Such dreams take money Madam Justice, and these pages I write will be the beginnings of my wings. They will be my escape, and you know besides having a motivational kick. Now that is an excellent way to put, with words time flies. You’ve heard me talk enough about the “white room.” Living in stories I read, the novels I write, and most days TV serves as white noise. Only the tales will soon turn green with money giving me the strength to fly higher. Now I’ve never imagined myself the hero, but a protector of what belongs to me. My son, women, and yes we all have things we value. However to keep Triple B wrapped in comfort, to make women’s clothes fly off their bodies. To be careful with all that I possess?

I thought that fighting was the only way. That it makes one strong and make no mistake, I will. See something my father taught me inadvertently was that HATE is a DEATH SENTENCE. Now, who for, is up to you, but when I stand, I don’t fight to fight. No Madam Justice as Bill told Beatrix “I’m calling you a killer. A natural born killer” and I don’t want to. I am no coward but if I can run to preserve life isn’t that preferable? Call me a pervert, skeevy, ugly, a freak but STUPID that’s the doomsday device. To me that is betrayal, that’s circle nine Treachery. The worse crimes you could ever commit: One is the destruction of the soul, two would be the taking of life. As for Number Three, in any case, the ignorance of evil.

Don’t get me started on the Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice Debate. For the record I’m Pro-Choice. Only when you make it so a person would rather die than exist, that’s destroying a soul. Oh, and when I say taking a life, I mean that of the innocent. Madam Justice sigh like Negan said “I like killing people…” okay I’m losing track. Ahem fight or flight, why is there a need for one or the other. Yes, it’s because the world is how it is these days.

Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul and when one loses theirs? That’s why some dream of Heaven. Others lock themselves in Hell but remember to keep the key. Brothels, love hotels, movie studio; Fight Or Flight, Your Choice.
I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

How much is my soul worth, do I still have one available at all, am I too busy worrying about this life and what about the next… if I was a man of faith. It’s Worthy Of Your Soul, I don’t know what “it” is or where to find it, a tall order.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

Sixth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear but the idea that I may not find whatever it is I’m searching for; can I give you thoughts or suggestions, sure but what do I feel? Sometimes, just like my heart, I don’t think I have a soul and if the Devil wanted it and I could name my price… well hmm?

To quote The Darkness “I believe in a thing called love” but I think even Faust made such a mistake am I right; I’m not even sure I believe in such a thing as soulmates, though I would like to. What about writing… the fact that I’m still holding back, with exception to my novel but with our conversations I still can’t just be me but then again what am I protecting, could it be a soul. Vengeance, of course, would seem to suggest that I don’t have a soul at all, thus how could I sell my soul for such satisfaction and we remember that rule do we not?

I actually wrote out a contract to Satan… don’t know how old I was but the only thing that stopped me was I abhor “my” bloodshed but trust me if it would work that would be another thing like having a button that could just end everything. There was also a time in my life where I believed the meaning of life was a song “seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” but why seek something that I could create right? How about this, being the greedy son of a bitch I am, wanting well everything I suppose it’s up to me to decide what is worthy isn’t it?

I would never say that about my job but what wouldn’t I give for the little dog sleeping at my feet this moment. The fact that I went out for 5-hour ENERGY shots and Powerade, shows how much my writing means to me. The question is, what is a soul compared to a life, compared to a heart, or anything else in this world truly.

That’s the lesson though, the catch, maybe nothing is worthy and it’s our job to make it so that when we look back on all we have sacrificed we can see it as such. As a dominant wants a submissive, a writer and his story, I need to create, know, It’s Worthy Of Your Soul.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

I’d sell my soul for… it really is too bad that God doesn’t make deals like that, I’m not much of a business man but I hear a soul is a valuable thing and I just won’t give it to anybody. Preacher Man, well I’m not on any sort of leader for real

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Lesson 019 ~Preacher Man~

Hey Lu,
I don’t believe in God, a bold declaration but is it not bolder to say that you speak for him and with his authority, talk about ulterior motive. So what brought this on, I figured Lady Lu I have been doing a lot of preaching as of late, makes me think about a new profession, relax, just a thought.

Here’s a history lesson, I was raised in the church for quite a while, even got to the point where there was this lady who said I was going to be a preacher someday. You know I have a reputation of being somewhat threatening, it’s called my existence but anyway I told her if she ever teased me again about being a preacher, that I would never step foot in a church again. It worked though I had no way of carrying that out back then, you know because of my parents, yeah I really had no choice in that.

“6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

Yeah, that would be my mother talking but bad news mom… not that she doesn’t know, hell they all know, I was freed of the whole religious sect and after that, better not to answer that maybe. Not that in the church my life was sunshine and lollipops, I may be stupid (yeah that would be my father talking), I don’t cater to a lot of black people (A.M.E.) and I learned to keep my mouth shut. I don’t think this was this the exact moment but, you know how I often talk about the moment I was told to shut up and I didn’t matter, it was my father in church the moment I declared atheism and told anyone that would listen to me.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” Nick, Fear the Walking Dead: Grotesque

Two things, first if we’re all children of God and Jesus himself couldn’t make it in this world, then how can any of the rest of us, I mean he literally came down to Earth on a suicide run. Secondly, my father wasn’t exactly the greatest role model, I mean I learned that a man looks after his family, that terror will always defeat reason, and whenever you’re in doubt just get angry, it helps.

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.”- Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

I think I might have missed my calling Lady Lu, Philosophy, I always dig deep, now I could go on about my religious history but I think more to the lesson is power and leadership. Okay one more tidbit maybe that’s why I respected the reverend so much, I shook his hand every Sunday and he gave me a dollar, my parents stopped him but I kept doing it mostly as a dig but maybe I really did respect him.

“Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don’t even know where the hell I am half the time!” Dogma

Most leaders these days I have no faith in whatsoever, that would pretty much be my managers and my father and I wonder why that is? If you’re asking me do I have faith… in the religious sense and again I’m an atheist but if there is something out there, something bigger and more powerful, and it has an ounce of benevolence I only ask that it be bestowed upon Braxton, if it takes care of my dog then yes I am blessed. As for myself being a leader, for the most part, no, who do I lead other than Braxton and half the time I feel like a negligent parent where he is concerned.

“I’m the enemy. Cause I like to think, I like to read. I’m into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I’m the kind of guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, “Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?” I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter, and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to. Okay, pal? I’ve seen the future, you know what it is? It’s a 47-year-old virgin sittin’ around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing “I’m an Oscar-Meyer Wiener”. You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cocteau’s way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other choice: come down here, maybe starve to death.

All right, then why don’t you take charge and lead these people out of here?

I’m no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me.” Demolition Man (1993)

This is me most days, I do what I must for his sake because someone has to take command, someone has to accept responsibility and that’s something that most of the religious refuse to do. You take the hit, you take the lumps, I wouldn’t ask for God to save me because if he was going to… anyway, most days I know I’m going to Hell, which in another way is me being a bad leader because Braxton above all deserves better. Is it the journey or the destination; when it comes to people I look after me, except if we’re talking other “activities”, in life, in general, I don’t want anyone to be lost.

That’s another thing, walking by faith and not by sight, now this is a big thing with the religious but you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, that I do believe. Is that why I look down all the time, I keep bringing up “the incident” nineteen days in Luna but maybe I don’t want anyone to know how bad my soul really is; again atheist but the thoughts continue, deprogramming is tough.

“And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my homies land
For me to save the world I don’t understand
How did I become the leader of a billion fans?” I Wish, R. Kelly

At work, people ask me plenty and 9/10 I don’t worry about it because everyone thinks they can speak for me, or they think they know what I’m thinking, or I can’t help but imagine that I’m wrong. In the end I’m not looking to have faith in a deity, I’m looking to have faith in me, the kind of faith I knew when I won awards at church, did speeches, I didn’t brag about God I bragged about me, the faith I knew when I would walk through after church and walk out with twenty bucks, the faith that was stolen when I was in school and told a cop I believed in me and next thing you know I’m in handcuffs (long story).

“Being a leader isn’t about ability. It’s about responsibility.

Got it, sir.

No, you don’t, Beck. I mean, you’re not just responsible for the good ones. You’ve got to be responsible for the bad ones. You’ve got to be ready to make the shitty call.

What makes you think I’m not?

Because you’re so damn good. You haven’t hit anything you couldn’t beat. I mean, hell, you were the one who figured out how to save the space shuttle. You made me, you made the rest of NASA just look like an ass. It’s just you’re used to winning… and you’re not really a leader until you’ve lost.” The Core

I told you about that girl once I was with and we were “roughhousing” and I grabbed her wrists and it scared her so I backed off, Lady Luna there are parts of my life where leadership, power, dominance come naturally to me but aren’t acceptable every day. That’s my problem, simulated violence, horror, sex, exist in what is supposed to be another world and this one will have no part of it, so that part of myself is locked away, that confidence, that faith, that truth and I am left with what I am to everyone else. Superman becomes Clark Kent and I wish I could find that man again, flying to the mountain top rather than tumbling off.

Strange that I believe that somehow or another I’m going to make it, mostly because of the little dog staring up at me because without him I might have no reason to. I might not lead people daily but my words have led to actions, talk about leading men to the promised land that I might as well be Moses sitting there while everyone else enters. As R. Kelly said, just be a better man and for some reason, someone might want to follow, better someone might want to stand by your side, no way.

If I haven’t said this enough, being a writer gives you a taste of that sort of leadership, that sort of power, though I’m not sure many of my characters would agree. So I have learned today; that there was a point in my life I liked the sound of my own voice but yeah I was no Preacher Man.