Episode 258 ~Blind Faith To Will~

Do I still think I can see into the future, I wrote this Wednesday, and I saw this day going a lot better, only I wasn’t blind to some girl, I know what I need to do, and tomorrow sigh. Blind Faith To Will

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Episode 258 ~Blind Faith To Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, today is Wednesday. I’m still STUCK on the idea that I will write a best seller. Now if I had the money this second, I know there is no way I would be going to work on Sunday. My problem is that I don’t see the money though. I see Inventory, insanity, and indignation. One of my motivations says that no one can hate you more than you hate yourself. Only nowadays I look, others don’t.

In a way I envy them. In some ways, a button is worse than a trigger. Do you recall when I was talking about Brainbuddy (which you should CANCEL Friday okay)? My deep confusion about what classifies as porn. Yep, I lied to those people “One? Yeah.” Giving up Fapping, sure. The porn, hell after doing the Morning Routine, it was right back to the Heartless Prince. After that Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest. Still, nobody can show me something more beautiful than women. Some people tell me to have faith in God. Blind faith and those same people were the ones that made me out to be a nerd or worse. So my eyes were too full of tears. I was busy getting up close and personal with a baseball bat, balled fist, and my blood in the dirt most days.

I saw this religious movie once called Apocalypse, and there was this guy Bronson Pearl. Now he wouldn’t listen to his girlfriend or some story. He dug up his father’s grave and only at that moment did he find faith. Faith Lady Luna is work. I was looking at myself, and for once it wasn’t my fucked up teeth (LANGUAGE). Nor was it my body; it was my bloodshot eyes from working.

Nevertheless, with my writing, I do not see the results and the day job sigh. I’d rather be dead instead. Now that sounds harsh, but it’s like everything in my world is, I don’t know. In one way it’s living in a museum, don’t touch that it’s priceless. Don’t think that, those people were savages. Stay behind the rope, the line, the people. Better yet don’t look ever.

Am I back in school before I had my glasses? Only I couldn’t see the board so of course, I failed. Math where I was expected to get it, but I never did. So I bought into lies, and now I’m an adult where there is no future in my job. Walmart fails ha, or my eyes are stuck on a screen, headphones always. Is that the game, you see too much or too little. However they say look up, and even the sun is blinding. Still, I know every shade of blue there is. I can’t close my eyes anymore, but why believe in myself, Blind Faith To Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 251 ~I’m Staying Alive Will~

If you don’t have your health; the thing is I think I know what will fix this but after that monster headache, no more energy shots for a while but my poor characters t if I stay awake today. I’m Staying Alive Will.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Episode 251 ~I’m Staying Alive Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars; I’m sure I’ll make it after I’m long dead. As much as I have written, but it will be nowhere near three thousand words. Did I promise myself such today working?

Head games you know. When your body is telling you your so fucked up (Language) that it has you going looking on WebMD for answers. In that respect why aren’t I dead by now? Hearing one of your coworkers say again and again their not a racist. Speaking the truth though they’re mad about a former lover dating someone black. However, in all fairness, I’m not one to date black women. We’ve talked about the ones that leave me in the morning. Help me; if I were to ask for it, it would come in a little plastic tube. 5-hour ENERGY still has me wrecked, from my head to my feet nowadays, could be worse.

Heartbreak and I know my heart isn’t so. Seriously though I hate coming off like Howard Wolowitz or like some criminal. Yeah, women prefer the clown but the comedian died and how many days has it been? Hair Razing as my heart sank when I saw what was coming. Do you know what’s going to make me such the zombie survivor? I learned to avoid people when they’re still alive. Hands not idle but sore, sexy, and sorry for, well I’m here. Shouldn’t I make a list of my crimes, but that’s the thing, isn’t it. I don’t want to survive; I want to live.

Horny never helps though. If there is any consolation, with all this pain I’m feeling at the present moment; I can’t think about sex. Not saying I would turn it down but that should show you how much this hurts. Hips, Legs, all the way down to my toes, how I stood at all today is a miracle. I got up early to read today. I’m two minutes away from crawling into bed and going back to sleep, much like I did this morning after the book. Health is everything isn’t it Lady Lu. Yes B III has better health care than me because he has me and he’s alive.

How about if I only try living. Am I going to break off into some positive phase like once upon a time? All I know is that today sure as hell ain’t that day, only I’m not dying. I’m not getting arrested, one more miracle right, I’m Staying Alive Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 296 ~Heavenly Trip, Save A Seat~

Heaven, Elysium, Home, just give me a room with wi-fi, sunlight, and a place for my dog and I think I’ll be comfortable right here but what was it that Luther Vandross said about a house; one day I’m going to be an old man. Heavenly Trip, Save A Seat

Monday, April 23, 2018

Lesson 296 ~Heavenly Trip, Save A Seat~

Twenty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today because this isn’t Heaven, I wouldn’t even call it home, it’s comfort, security, privacy, the place my family sent me because any mental institution by any name is still just that. Excuse me though for the craziness I’ve been staring at blank white pages for days on end when I think of Heaven though, honestly other than my women Heaven to me would be more like the set of some seedy porno I must admit.

“If a man expects a woman to be an angel, he must create Heaven for her, angels don’t live in Hell” ― an unknown source

I first read this from some meme, and since I am somewhat of a traditionalist, I think this rings slightly right, a man is supposed to have a place, something about a man has a house and a woman makes it a home. Another way to see it is the things men do to reach women, that’s just what it is from the first girl waiting in the tallest tower, to the man who said, “you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky,” from every song about angels. Anytime I’ve called a girl “angel” let’s say that I had quite high aspirations; the point is that men have always been expected to climb, to rise, to be the best and women… it’s so confusing on the one hand we place them on pedestals, make them the end all be all and then have to climb higher, I’m just saying.

“And hey, I love women. They’re beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic, far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day.” ― Friends With Benefits (2011)

Now I also look at this rule regarding death… bring on the depression, but you don’t want to outlive those you love, it’s why children/furbabies passing is such a loss, I’m not a man of faith, but you go to prepare a place for them, not to watch them pass you. Remember last week’s rule; you let your enemies beat you to Hell, you outrun your loved ones to Heaven, that’s just how it goes. So I got a house, perfect if there was a family, three bedrooms, two and a half baths, two cars and no woman and maybe that tells me that Hell doesn’t lie without but more within oneself, don’t you think?

“So, uh, where you headed?

Heaven, baby.
Do you wanna go?

Maybe.” Never Die Alone

That’s just like me though; I have my shining armor always, ask my maid, I clean the castle before she shows up to do that, another girl can tell you, I’ll go and buy food, only to have pasta on the stove too. Aren’t I the Devil looking to get back into Heaven and maybe one day I will know peace but for now who’s early and who’s late *sigh* Heavenly Trip, Save A Seat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

I’ve never pictured myself making it to Heaven and anybody that ticks me off certainly ain’t that righteous because if you get your rocks off torturing someone like me… anyway another story. Going To Hell, Them First as it should be ha

Monday, April 16, 2018

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

Twenty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, it’s this hate, you know me Madam Justice, I don’t want to hurt anybody when I walk out the door, noted I’m always ready for a war with a few choice individuals but live and let live. So I go to the movies last night, just trying to order some snacks and these four women start pointing and laughing at me like I’m some big joke, nobody else just them.

That’s the problem, like with any disease you don’t want to do damage to what’s right and healthy but the virus, the bad only wishes to infect every single part of what is the best of us. I’m not Cancer Madam Justice, I know what you’re thinking, even though if I were one for reincarnation I would like to be a virus, a zombie sickness if I may be ever so specific. If anything I’m wounded and all I want to do is heal, but people like my boss, like those stupid women, that janitor, that bitch poke me, they won’t stop, they want to know. If you keep poking at a wound what happens, as Morgan would put it, “you know what it is” you know I’m sure right?

Still, I don’t die though everyone does, only you outlive your enemies, not friends… that is honestly going in my rules, but the thing is for a guy like me, hate cannot know such distance, not if I am going to be a part of this world. I hate my father and how many years has it been, I hate that girl, and it’s day two-hundred and eighty freaking nine and who knows if she’s given me a second thought. Again I don’t want to hurt anybody, so I suffer, and they live, but one of the reasons I continued to live and write is because one day I have faith I won’t be the only one here; I shouldn’t be the first at all.

If you told me I could let go of my hate and go to Heaven I could and in less than twenty-four hours it would find me again because that’s what people do, we hate, we instill hate. Another one of my rules states “Hate Will Keep You Alive,” and I don’t want to die. So I don’t suppose that I will see Hell for a long time, I’ve learned Going To Hell, Them First.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Maybe if I was left with a few beers, sometimes as the song goes I wish it would rain, could I maybe go work out in the gym, how about having some woman in my bed, anything to stop talking about my feelings “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Seventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, but complaints, tears, frustrations, worries, and who am kidding there is fear, there is always fear, but the trick is that nobody is supposed to know it if anything that is not what a man is. As if I know what being a real man is right but on the other hand, there are plenty of days I don’t think I even have a heart at all really.

I get accused of a lot of wearing my heart on my sleeve and even today I could find plenty to cry about, how hard work was today (my boss said I look like Spike Lee) plus I’m just so tired, how this week is going to suck overall, or how about why I’m even bothering with NaNoWriMo. What about the situation I found myself in so many months ago; no question I wasn’t being a gentleman back then and I think I read somewhere that a gentleman must keep these feelings to himself. It hasn’t just been words either which has been ugly enough I think, but then again can I count my heart amongst some of those ha.

You don’t know how many times I wish I could just break down and cry or to actually pray for a miracle, should I start envying my dog and maybe I understand why some men make themselves out to be gods. Could you imagine God crying about something and you know this will lead to a Jesus discussion so let’s just drop it right now? That’s the thing though I should just drop it, drop everything that makes me, myself I guess and instead of crying, drown my sorrows, fake it till I make it, or whatever else people say.

So am I expected to lie forever… if other people can do it, and at least it would be something because you know I’m too quiet anyways isn’t that right. The thing is crying never solves anything now does is Madam Justice, I think even you would think less of me but truth be told can people’s opinion of me get any lower… still complaining?

I again find myself apologizing for just being me for I am truly guilty but it could be worse, it nearly has been worse but at the end of the day, I’m still alive so Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

The good news is I didn’t have to do much talking today but then again seeing as how people talk to signify their own lives I wonder how much longer I’ll last, maybe I should go see a doctor or not. Open Up, Say Ahh

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

To Will:
No Fear, open up, say ahh when you have no choice but to figure things out for yourself, “Adulting” is hard and only getting harder and there’ll be days when you have to ask some older adults but for today appreciate the win. Also don’t be so quick to jump to the worse possible outcome, it keeps you alive but the anxiety only gets worse; easier said than done but don’t play WebMD whenever you can avoid it.

Open up, say ahh, to new experiences, today wasn’t much of one but how long did you listen to the “Sick Fux” playlist, if only every day you could feel like you did when “ My Boy Lollipop” was playing, something for the future wife to sing? Speaking of new experiences, when are you going to start going out again, it would be something if you were actually working but since you’re not… It can also be said since you’re not going to the doctor anytime soon, open up, say would be better served in some bedroom play perhaps ha?

Now, what was it I said about imaging the worst case scenario, which might actually be something if you weren’t enjoying being kept away from the group, working by yourself, and it makes it much easier not to be a caveman when there is nobody to talk to. Open, up, say ahh when you actually do learn something new, how often do you find yourself having the same, comfortable conversation but really what else is there with some people ad the dog? Yes, sometimes it actually is better that you keep your mouth shut during certain occasions because soon you’ll have to talk just because.

No, I don’t mean Halloween, I can’t tell you how you’re going to feel come that day and if anything you might be afraid for all the wrong reasons. One more day out of the year but today was too damn easy considering what I expected and when work gets easy, beware is the rule of thumb or has been.

I don’t know whether to tell you to be a better man, just a man, or just to stay alive but every day you should always strive to be better but not all at once, you might look in the mirror one day and not recognize the man you are, all Open Up, Say Ahh.

I Will Have No Fear

How to Fireproof Happy

Plenty of days I don’t think Happy even exist but why should I be happy on this particular day, shouldn’t I be happy every day or at least be allowed to look for it in my own way, even in my darkness. “How to Fireproof Happy” don’t expect any candles

A star, a wish, just the one
When I can’t even recognize my own name
So here comes the sun,
Only there is pain, there are flames
Can you make this day snappy?

How long was it until my parents were through?
They don’t even admit their mistake
Their wish didn’t come true
either, oh the heartbreak
with this day but mammy and pappy

can’t we all agree
to blame someone, anyone as the cake melts
because the last thing we need is me blowing
anything else, since I’m going to Hell
As I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death for
I know there is no other path and you know
the same. So on this day I ask for nothing more
not a candle, not a bulb, not an inferno
nothing as sappy

like the knowledge that I am still alive
This does not make me a liar
Just like five fingers don’t always mean goodbye
I didn’t start the fire
So maybe I can still see the happy

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Will Known

Something I’m going to regret, not today, hopefully not tomorrow, but for now as they sing fifteen percent concentrated power of Will, though I’m firing on all cylinders now. Will Known, who knows but someday maybe, and no I don’t mean never heh

How can you define Will?
Not in the words of a dead man
Have you bothered to check?
Could you possibly, listen, listen, hear, and understand
this secret I spill

What, “I’m Alive”, Will,
before the faces of a billion men
some wrong women I suspect,
to my virtues and vices, regrets and sins
I’ll scream it until

who I am and choose to be is Will
like Will Smith Will Schuester, Will Parry
do they expect
I can be like them, then it’s not so scary
until I thrill

when adversity threatens, my force of Will
more effective than an AK, hotter than a Molotov cocktail
let me direct
World War Three on Pay TV, a script to Hell
Maybe I can pay the bills

where Batman does but sign my checks Will
with my potential, my future, like any superhero
God knows I’m not perfect
I’m only human don’t you know…
No, then I have something to fulfill

Why promise anyone but Will
Free Will, Iron Will, even if I’m the one to blame
There will be some respect
People will remember the name
Yes I’m gonna make it, yes I Will

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Convince The Reaper

People often talk to God and even he’s not there or he ain’t listening and these past few days I have heard plenty of people asking other people why. Convince The Reaper… can anyone really know, why do they try; humanity

For what is death, if not a Contract
Between what we consider destiny
And perhaps the one simple fact
That you and everyone you meet
In the simplest terms… will die
Yes I know even me
Yet you question and want to know why
We will all have the big sleep

As if you have some Covenant with God
Or whatever you call that higher power
Seeing the lives now robbed
Wondering of that final hour
Alas we can never see
Until it comes for us all
Consider it too soon maybe
But I ask, who you gonna call

How do we manage that Conversation?
Who now speaks for the dead?
Listen to the voice of the nation
Do you know what I said
Nothing, yes for there is nothing
There are the dead, the head, and oh yes the great divine
While there are those who look for something
Whatever will they find… this time?

With all they’re Collaboration
When has life been fair?
People talk about what they call salvation
So they seek life elsewhere
Praying for those that have been lost
Or albeit much too soon
Knowledge I’m afraid is a heavy cost
Preferring not to think of doom

Though it is always Coming
Is there anything you can do?
Won’t tell you to stop running
I suppose I know my truth
At the end… for those still Alive
Asking after him or her
Feel free to ask why and to cry
No not one life can Convince the Reaper

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Fresh Fear

They don’t know they’re gone die… cows I mean, indeed all animals, hell neither do I and yet I know the fear of death. Fresh Fear; it seems like every day I find something new to be afraid of and one day I will be devoured, and when the time comes I’ll be…

Fresh, alive, me
After last night’s dream
More like a nightmare, you see

Born of my indiscretion

On my way to the slaughterhouse
To be a mouse
How I denounce

This heart’s beating
There is no entreating
The end I’m meeting

I’m already burning
With the blades turning
Already hurting

Misery and strife
I’ll fry
But first the knife

Better to rot
At least it would stop
Wouldn’t be on top

Those carrion crows
Who would know?
Where could I go?

It’s not fair
Being so scared

Is there atonement?

Should I treasure?

I don’t want to die
Or hide
Not even survive

Another breath to give
To live
Don’t think I ever did

Fear is all
As my flesh crawls

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.