Log 034 ~An Aha Moment Will~

Last week I named friends, yesterday I named an enemy and as the song goes “his name was my name too” the fact that he, she, or it tried to steal it; but my little boy saved me, mentioning his name would be a bad idea. “An Aha Moment Will.”

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Log 034 ~An Aha Moment Will~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now like Aha is a real word. Well, that sound does beat the heart pounding in your chest. What about the snoring you should be doing? Hyperventilating perhaps or the internal screaming I was all about yesterday? The pings from messages and emails all from yesterday. The sound of your son’s name, which is one of the reasons you might know salvation. Hours of fear it seems and so yes an audible scream would be a welcome change.

Now you shouldn’t think that with everything going on these days. Let’s not get into that, ore that enough people giving their two cents. Speaking of sense, it’s good I haven’t said my son’s name. Ironic that one of the only good things in your life you can’t even acknowledge. SIGH, so here we go, yesterday I got hacked. It happened out of the blue, no warning, no bells or whistles. Only a ping and a decent human being. Since that moment, I was running around trying to make sense of it. Begging and pleading for forgiveness. You know how they say your ultimate power and weakness stare back at you in the mirror. Scarier still when it’s on your screen for the world to see. I owe you an apology for the fact that you are living with the fear as well. Yes, and still, these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of Another
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Failed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry Compilation “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by Charmaine Pauls

Only you can’t think about them right now. No, you’re up at 4:00 AM not because you made a choice. You would have fallen asleep again no question but the fear Will? Staring at your phone like you’re one of the characters in One Missed Call. Knowing shame like Lady Mormont as if you “refused the call.” I did too busy being afraid. Again you’re awake because you are no doubt. Rule 002 states, “You Are Not A Caveman,” and Rule 1 you always say. Today though are you still going to jump at your phone’s command. Will you hit your screen and so many buttons in terror? Waste every footstep running for your life. I know you’re not a fan of laughter. Every breath is like a fight for survival. Your stomach is churning with the sickness that’s you.

Last night you got a good idea thanks to “Indiana Gone” and Haley Pullos. Inspiration indeed is a beautiful sound right, An Aha Moment Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 027 ~Will You Name Me~

Again more work I should be doing with Lady Sophia, but someone said “Life Finds A Way,” or if I want my kid to keep living the life he has and what about my other books these days. “Will You Name Me”

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Log 027 ~Will You Name Me~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and you should keep that same hustle if you want to be a billionaire. Big Dog, Big Nuts, as Lamar Davis would put it in GTA V. Last week we spoke a bit about some characters and yours. Lamar was a good one, and you’ve been lost some in Wolfenstein: Youngblood. *SIGH” Jessie and Sophie Blazkowicz along with Abby. How about getting back into DBH as well. I know you deserve a break after “Fangs For Coming” talk about becoming disillusioned. The blurb when over as expected, nonsense, nope to caring, and no characters. Hell, you barely found the title, might stick.

So that’s what today will be about, besides your list of failure, how’s that for success? You should be mowing the lawn but of course, yesterday was a bust, my fault. I make things so hard for you, I know. B III needs his meds, and you’ll get them. Of course, you’re also downloading oodles of porn like Sofi Ryan “Carpool Pickup.” Worst okay Megan Marx “Teeny Tiny Teen” Instagram. Before you forget Whitney Wright something or other and Carrie “Fuck Your Job” and “Model For Me.” As the song goes, “ It’s times like these, you learn to love again.” You’re not counting it as watching porn. (Didn’t even get hard) It’s work, research; adult entertainment is your purpose. So work on characters and yeah those Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of It
    Completed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Writing For NaNoWriMo, A New Novel
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Failed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of Another
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls

Wies Andres Barringer (The Beast)
Once he was a guardian of the works of the First Master with knowledge of The Tools Of The Gods. After his home is destroyed in an attempt to contain “The Air of Aeolus” a.k.a. Project Levitation he was kidnapped. Serving the Mistress Director as an Executioner. Married to Briseis and “Canvas” to Skelly Kemper.

Briseis Rosalie Barringer (The Machine)
Former slave girl, bought by the Mistress Director as a wife to The Beast. After her first night taken, she is found to have an immunity to the virus, which creates more beasts. Hating her life at first, she loves The Beast above all others.

Skelly Horatio Kemper (The Artist)
Keeper of The Fangs of Momus. A former brain surgeon turned Tattoo Artist; he sketches the faces of The Beast victims. With both blood and ink, he scars and decorates The Beast’s back. Because of The Beast and Fangs, it’s possible to clone, human beings

Desdemona Autumn Price (Mistress Director)
A Beast herself she hides this fact from those she commands. Scornful of most men her most loyal are either women or Eunuchs. She uses The Beast to punish any who may oppose. She seeks to keep her powers and The Tools of The Gods.

Cassandra Katelin Holloway (The Believer)
Servant of one of The Salamanders from “Apocalypse Rush.” A true believer in her Master, “The Dragon.” Willing to die in his name but cares for other human lives. She is the second immune found, in part to sleeping with Dragon. Hates the Mistress Director.

Tegan Cassie Barringer
Little sister to Briseis and slave belonging to Skelly. Due to his service for the Mistress Director and his true love for Briseis he now possesses Tegan. She knows no other desire but quickly becomes conflicted with Skelly’s actions. Naïve about the world and how Briseis survives.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 020 ~It’s Called Character Will~

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Log 020 ~It’s Called Character Will~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and you could finish by tomorrow. Exciting, weird, again, pick any word but impossible okay? Of course, we have to talk about those six impossible things. The question is, who do you want to be tomorrow? It’s like being in the car driving and getting that estimated arrival time, so speeding up.

What kind of daddy do you want to be in the morning? You get up, struggle to take B III for a walk, and then you ignore him the rest of the day. He sleeps, he guards, while you struggle to write while going through withdrawal. Yes, you give him his food, his meds. “On time” please, that’s 7:55 PM his second pill and not the midnight hour. Hell, last night was a bitch (LANGUAGE) he has to stop eating stuff off the ground. Little vacuum, hunter believing in Hakuna Matata. Only the characters he plays but what about you absentee father? What about when you have some two-legged rugrats, but you’ll get to that soon enough. Why not now though, like I said driving around and you want to beat the clock don’t you?

A lot more today considering how much more there is to write. No amount of time seems like enough to grow up. Yeah, I didn’t see your “father” coming through with your nephew. When’s the last time you called your sister? It gets annoying that everyone thinks your world should revolve around them. You remember some time ago we talked about saying more than Hey or Sup and what about Rule 002. You Are Not A Caveman. Still feels like something out of 10,000 BC. People want a spot in the circle you have yet to create. You have yet to decide the man you want to be Will. So you have masks, caves, you play the fool or worse they make you that way. Speaking of circles, you have plenty of zeros from working less on Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of It
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Writing For NaNoWriMo, A New Novel
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Failed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of It
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Writing For NaNoWriMo, A New Novel
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls

It’s all about #5, and you could be done by tomorrow if you keep working. One more excuse down the drain and a bunch of characters that will never know real life. Monsters, Madmen, and Masturbation fodder from Angie Varona to Jordyn Jones. What about that Audrey, no not from Little Shop? There’s a real-world Will but know this okay friend, It’s Called Character Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 013 ~Will To The Choir~

Sorry, this should be Lady Sophia’s wheelhouse, but work calls or maybe it’s y stomach, starving artist, plenty of money but I don’t want to leave until I work out this story and most Drive-Thur places think I’m a girl. “Will To The Choir.”

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Log 013 ~Will To The Choir~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, so you’d think I could afford some singing lessons. I would think you could find some more Motivational material. Hell, you could have some friends and quit talking to yourself. For a second there last night, I figured I’d be talking to My Sweet Lord. Well, that tends to happen when you’re speaking for how many people again? Over 5000 words not to mention B III needs attention, which explains him sitting on your lap right now.

So I wish this could be all about you Playboy, dammit Tony Baker. One more distraction, you’ve watched enough to get a Top Fan Badge or not. How many times have you viewed Marz today and I know I’m not helping with this week? What about how you’re expected to listen to everybody else but if you get called Ma’am one more time. A thing about No Fap is you’re supposed to get a deeper voice and how’s that going by the way? Two more Pinterest sections and more to go. The people you hate won’t stop talking. Those few that you like won’t stop talking. B III, of course, is staying him and when’s the last time you had a shower? Hell maybe if you were doing Brainbuddy you would have ten minutes of quiet you think. More time to think Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of It
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Writing For NaNoWriMo, A New Novel
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by Charmaine Pauls (Failed)
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of It
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Writing For NaNoWriMo, A New Novel
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls
    Now you can celebrate the one all you want, but again this isn’t all about you. Don’t you need to catch up with your story:

The Faces Of Momus
Chapter One: We Pretend That We’re Lead – The Beast
Chapter Two: Ass The Face Of Pen – The Artist
Chapter Three: A Type Of Unsolicited Dick – The Director
Chapter Four: The Shades That Paint Her – The Machine
Chapter Five: Shaved Crayon In The Box – The Slave

Chapter Six: The Skin He Lives In – The Machine
Chapter Seven: Thoughts From Some Paper TAIL – The Artist
Chapter Eight: The Poster Girl For Submission – The Slave
Chapter Nine: Musings From A Post DICK – The Beast
Chapter Ten: Folding Letters Files And Underwear – The Director

Chapter Eleven: A Song For Rocking Bodies – The Artist
Chapter Twelve: The Horrors Of Heavy Petting – The Machine
Chapter Thirteen: Having Faith In The Flesh – The Slave
Chapter Fourteen: You’ll Be A Woman Soon – The Director

Doesn’t look so bad from this angle but it’s you right: Will To The Choir

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 272 ~Will Is Not Ill~

Stupidity is a virus, and it’s like everyone is afraid of catching it from me, and I feel like I’m living in I Am Legend, only me and the dog; so who’s sick and who’s well, I would never give those monsters the satisfaction. Will Is Not Ill

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Episode 272 ~Will Is Not Ill~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I’m not looking for a miracle. If anything I only need to get out of my “hard” bed. Now isn’t it ironic that for the things I want I’m quite content lying here? Still, I will purposely kill myself to get to the store on time.

Now I can name some genuine, honest to God, ha, illnesses. It’s the season for POLLEN. There are Springs and Summers I can’t recall because my mother would keep me doped up on Benadryl. Only that’s before they tweaked the formula and yes I’m that old. There’s the massive case of BLUE BALLS I’m suffering now. I have once again wasted one more day. While I wish I could say in recovery, and I have slept, at least 80% of it was porn related. The other 20% is half Youtube and 10%Zweihander; to say nothing of my mental health. A toss-up between depression and rage, B III isn’t helping either.

No, I’m not that far gone, but it sucks to have to remind you anyway and anyone else. I would never hurt my son; I wouldn’t do anything to a girl. The truth is that it doesn’t stop him from flinching. Doesn’t stop the girls from running and calling me a monster. The world is sick, not me, and before you ask how can I be so sure. Well besides the fact that Hemingway will call me out for it. That’s the thing, too many chefs in the kitchen and I keep adding more. There are Grammarly and Hemingway for my writing. Brainbuddy and NoFap to be a better man. My motivations and books, to keep me going forward. It’s a snail’s pace if anything. I know it Lady Lu.

What I can’t seem to find is the cure. Only I’ll keep popping myself with a rubber band to remind me of my stupidity. Also to keep me from punching somebody out. That ain’t healthy. My life goals to own a brothel, “love hotel,” strip club, restaurant, movie studio, and everything else. Truth is surrounding myself with porn isn’t helping, now sex? Hell, I want to be comfortable around people. Tell me when I feel that the most? When I have my Negan swagger. “THEY” are treating me like I’m STUPID though Lady Lu, that’s it. I become one of the dead; slaves aren’t considered alive. I’ll call a woman a lot of things, but stupid is crossing the line. I’m better than that; I will be. You want me to be positive? I’m Not Stupid, or dead. I AM ALIVE; sex makes me feel that Will Is Not Ill.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 265 ~Hell Of Weak Will~

I think I called this week exactly what I thought it would be and I was too weak to make it otherwise, even today and of course counting up failures is tomorrow’s business; maybe I need a new hobby. “Hell Of Weak Will” or a Stupid Will

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Episode 265 ~Hell Of Weak Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How to Make One Million Dollars, well I still have plans to go to “Sin City.” What was it, last week, the one before? All I could think about was a bestseller, building, brothel, and babes. This week I instead not think at all or I don’t; that’s because I Am Stupid.

Being a traditionalist, I do prefer the “old-timey” HORNY, FEARFUL, and STUPID. That’s not to say that I’m against “SAT” words Abnegation, Erudite, Dauntless, Amity, and Candor. How I miss Shailene Woodley; of course, you knew I would go with Horny first. Don’t worry this all links in with my general stupidity. Having gone to the movies Thursday and seeing Jordan Peele’s “US,” I was disappointed. There was no sex scene with Lupita Nyong’o. What about the fact that I now know who Cali and Noelle Sheldon are? Yes, Lady Lu I’m going to Hell, but I haven’t looked for any twin porn; yet. No, I saved that for Eileen Kelly in Playboy. More the lack thereof, the hits keep coming, sadly like me Thursday.

It was too much Lady Lu, the fear I mean. My last panic attack was at the day job over cleaning duty. Before that back when I was another “redshirt.” The men of Star Trek make dying look so easy I mean the original series. Now there I was at the movies, shaking because I was attempting to make exact change. Such a fear bothers me more than looking up girls on the internet. Between Fear and Rage, my fear won. You know rage doesn’t think. Lady Lu, Fear is a fucking Brainiac (Language Please). Is that what “US” was talking about right? I may as well be one of the Tethered, no soul but all the rage coming topside.

So why am I too stupid to use it? Do you know why I call myself out on my language usage? One day I think I’ll find the courage and I’ll tell those assholes (really Will) No More. Allow me to be a hypocrite in saying that fear makes you smart and an idiot. It’s why I’m looking for a new vice, hobby, and distraction. Everyone needs something, makes us human or something close. I was too weak this week to keep it up, which is why I didn’t work Friday. Not the Day Job or my Purpose, nothingness Lady Lu, Hell Of Weak Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 258 ~Blind Faith To Will~

Do I still think I can see into the future, I wrote this Wednesday, and I saw this day going a lot better, only I wasn’t blind to some girl, I know what I need to do, and tomorrow sigh. Blind Faith To Will

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Episode 258 ~Blind Faith To Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, today is Wednesday. I’m still STUCK on the idea that I will write a best seller. Now if I had the money this second, I know there is no way I would be going to work on Sunday. My problem is that I don’t see the money though. I see Inventory, insanity, and indignation. One of my motivations says that no one can hate you more than you hate yourself. Only nowadays I look, others don’t.

In a way I envy them. In some ways, a button is worse than a trigger. Do you recall when I was talking about Brainbuddy (which you should CANCEL Friday okay)? My deep confusion about what classifies as porn. Yep, I lied to those people “One? Yeah.” Giving up Fapping, sure. The porn, hell after doing the Morning Routine, it was right back to the Heartless Prince. After that Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest. Still, nobody can show me something more beautiful than women. Some people tell me to have faith in God. Blind faith and those same people were the ones that made me out to be a nerd or worse. So my eyes were too full of tears. I was busy getting up close and personal with a baseball bat, balled fist, and my blood in the dirt most days.

I saw this religious movie once called Apocalypse, and there was this guy Bronson Pearl. Now he wouldn’t listen to his girlfriend or some story. He dug up his father’s grave and only at that moment did he find faith. Faith Lady Luna is work. I was looking at myself, and for once it wasn’t my fucked up teeth (LANGUAGE). Nor was it my body; it was my bloodshot eyes from working.

Nevertheless, with my writing, I do not see the results and the day job sigh. I’d rather be dead instead. Now that sounds harsh, but it’s like everything in my world is, I don’t know. In one way it’s living in a museum, don’t touch that it’s priceless. Don’t think that, those people were savages. Stay behind the rope, the line, the people. Better yet don’t look ever.

Am I back in school before I had my glasses? Only I couldn’t see the board so of course, I failed. Math where I was expected to get it, but I never did. So I bought into lies, and now I’m an adult where there is no future in my job. Walmart fails ha, or my eyes are stuck on a screen, headphones always. Is that the game, you see too much or too little. However they say look up, and even the sun is blinding. Still, I know every shade of blue there is. I can’t close my eyes anymore, but why believe in myself, Blind Faith To Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 251 ~I’m Staying Alive Will~

If you don’t have your health; the thing is I think I know what will fix this but after that monster headache, no more energy shots for a while but my poor characters t if I stay awake today. I’m Staying Alive Will.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Episode 251 ~I’m Staying Alive Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars; I’m sure I’ll make it after I’m long dead. As much as I have written, but it will be nowhere near three thousand words. Did I promise myself such today working?

Head games you know. When your body is telling you your so fucked up (Language) that it has you going looking on WebMD for answers. In that respect why aren’t I dead by now? Hearing one of your coworkers say again and again their not a racist. Speaking the truth though they’re mad about a former lover dating someone black. However, in all fairness, I’m not one to date black women. We’ve talked about the ones that leave me in the morning. Help me; if I were to ask for it, it would come in a little plastic tube. 5-hour ENERGY still has me wrecked, from my head to my feet nowadays, could be worse.

Heartbreak and I know my heart isn’t so. Seriously though I hate coming off like Howard Wolowitz or like some criminal. Yeah, women prefer the clown but the comedian died and how many days has it been? Hair Razing as my heart sank when I saw what was coming. Do you know what’s going to make me such the zombie survivor? I learned to avoid people when they’re still alive. Hands not idle but sore, sexy, and sorry for, well I’m here. Shouldn’t I make a list of my crimes, but that’s the thing, isn’t it. I don’t want to survive; I want to live.

Horny never helps though. If there is any consolation, with all this pain I’m feeling at the present moment; I can’t think about sex. Not saying I would turn it down but that should show you how much this hurts. Hips, Legs, all the way down to my toes, how I stood at all today is a miracle. I got up early to read today. I’m two minutes away from crawling into bed and going back to sleep, much like I did this morning after the book. Health is everything isn’t it Lady Lu. Yes B III has better health care than me because he has me and he’s alive.

How about if I only try living. Am I going to break off into some positive phase like once upon a time? All I know is that today sure as hell ain’t that day, only I’m not dying. I’m not getting arrested, one more miracle right, I’m Staying Alive Will.

I Will Have No Fear