Tag: Mirror

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

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One guy pimped women, another shared stories, and if you asked me what my dream job is, I’d like to combine the two, more so have a brothel of storybook heroines “Giggity,” but women want the guys on the covers. “Making Money Is Always Necessary

Monday, November 19, 2018

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

Fifty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars; the perfect question for this week but I can answer how not to, stacking boxes for four hours, hard-tagging shoes for a couple more, buying McDonald’s, and killing off what remains of the ant population both outside and in. On the other hand, somebody is making millions, billions probably not lifting a damn finger and my fingers today black keys, black “ants,” and perhaps being a black man is hard enough, but I don’t want to get all racial in this piece, how else does one Run This Town?

Didn’t somebody once say that it takes money to make money, not if you’re a woman; is today going to be a political issue; I need something with which to ignore the coming holiday known as Black Friday. Can you imagine the people we would be if money weren’t always the issue, perhaps it would be more so if I had plenty of it but I would trade the problems of never having enough for the single concept of wanting that much more? I think I’ve spoken plenty about what I would like to do to get it; I just put another 1800 words down for my novel titled Pay Two Plague. I still want to acquire a brothel, and why I don’t have the body, and a harem takes time, “B III’s” face could sell anything, the whole world loves him, okay this street.

So am I making any real plans, you know that despite writing down my goal every single day there are times I forget about it, I think it’s what they call, the forests for the trees, struggling for the day instead of September next year (goal date). I would honestly have something to celebrate because the most I have to look forward to this week would have to be free food and several others are looking at that with gratefulness in their hearts. I’m sure my pests are all kinds of grateful ha, and as for me, I am thankful. Mostly it’s that moment I’m leaving the day job, and I didn’t get fired, when I finish the bare minimum writing, for not having to live a few hours though I’m still breathing on my pillow, of course, Madam Justice.

I’ve said this before, that I wish I had the same drive that has me rushing out of the house for the day job in every other facet of my life but instead I’m like one of these little ants crawling, ingesting poison, watching other’s like me dropping, with some dark face glad for my demise. Someday I’ll stop talking about this, like Detroit: Become Human, NaNoWriMo is only a month and the worst day in store history will end but like The Purge *sigh* Making Money Is Always Necessary.

“If Purging really worked if everyone actually got better wouldn’t we stop needing it?” Penelope Guerrero, The Purge (TV Series)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

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Why do people even care, is my face not enough, my anxiety, how I move or talk, and today I’m getting all these personal questions, and I would say I don’t want to talk about me because Hell the don’t get me. “It’s Okay If They Don’t.”

Monday, November 12, 2018

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

Fifty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars? If anything don’t apologize for how you make it, Tupac Shakur said it best “whether rhyme or crime I’m getting mine” but here’s the thing, if you’re going to be a worker be the best damn worker. If you’re a thief, then accept it; pornstar, writer, jock, don’t be sorry. My General Manager told me once that people didn’t get me *sigh* I should have said “where in my job description it is written I have to help people understand me hmm” so don’t.

Being honest this is the second half of Rule 057: They Don’t Understand Your Shit; so the premise is that people won’t understand you regardless of it being good, bad, or otherwise, you have to be okay with you. If it means, you have to cut people out, or they walk away, don’t change for nobody; my “father” used to tell me to be myself, and he didn’t like me, to this day I meet people he knows, and they say “I didn’t know he had a son.” I’ve grown to accept my status as an “Unperson,” and the thing is people don’t understand why anyone doesn’t want to be like them; have you seen how many “Trumps” we have?

I’ve also told you about how tired I am saying sorry because in a way it merely serves as another excuse for things that I know nothing about and even if I do we all handle things differently than others. One of my coworkers was telling me about his dog passing away, his love leaving him, his truck finally giving up on him and what am I supposed to say, what knowledge can I impart *ahem* Will’s Writings, Witticisms, And Wisdom, ironic hmm? If something happened to “B III” the last thing I would be doing is working, can’t say a girl I love has left me, I’m perpetually studying that word, and I have two cars and as long as I’m not staying at my parents’ house on Thanksgiving…

Finally, it’s the idea that people aren’t okay with themselves and their “Stuff And Thangs” so they have to make something wrong with you, so they appear normal, and the sad thing is, the world in which I have come to understand makes them “Average Joes.” The big question, is it okay if I don’t understand me, do I understand my shit; my answer is a resounding “Hell to da Naw,” and one day I have to look into the mirror and say, it’s okay if I don’t know and It’s Okay If They Don’t…

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 212 ~If You Can’t Love, Understand~

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Why do I hate you is the most common question but when is the last time I asked the man, staring back at me why do I love you and before I ask him to change his ways I must understand why he is the way he is. “If You Can’t Love, Understand”

Monday, January 29, 2018

Lesson 212 ~If You Can’t Love, Understand~

Seventeenth Rule Madam Justice,

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, or I won’t be once I finally understand the man I see in the mirror every day; love him, probably not but to get to know him… there’s a possibility. It gets harder to show kindness with each day passing and hate can be just as tricky but to understand, I believe that will save lives more than anything else.

Look at “Battle For The Planet of The Apes” there was an ape named Mandemus (The Keeper of Caesar’s Conscience and Armory) and before one could acquire a weapon you needed to explain why. I joked with a friend once that by the time you got past him you would have forgotten what you were mad at in the first place and thus tragedy would be avoided. The Jedi are without a possessive love but where they failed is their fear to understand the Dark Side, denying an enemy exists does not negate the enemy. Instead, you must contemplate why it is so to hate.

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” ― Verbal, The Usual Suspects (1995)

Keeping in mind animals are so much better than us, I don’t know how my dog knows, but when I’m sad he comes to cuddle, if I’m hurt somewhere, that becomes his focus. If I lock myself in the bathroom, he sits beside it, even offered me a blanket once. In that same token if someone attacks me the only understanding he needs is, somebody he loves is in danger, and so he fights; that’s the rub we don’t have to like everyone or love, but we must understand. If anything that’s the reason we’re still here, the human race, we have turned following the who, what, when, why, and how into science, religion, and art but it only buys us continuation a moment more.

So as Michael Jackson put it, I’m starting with the man in the mirror, when I understand him, and I mean genuinely acknowledge I can then decide to love or to hate, but man and especially woman are so damn complicated. I can’t touch a star, but I can build a rocket ship, I haven’t killed anyone but I can dig a hole, and it’s quite easy to buy a gun, that just got dark.

My point is how can I hate him for being a loud mouth while I’m understanding my quiet, how can I hate her words when I can’t define myself, I hate her looks but can’t embrace what I see in my mirror, one must understand, If You Can’t Love, Understand.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

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I said once that if I could have any superpower I would like to be invisible, doesn’t honestly help with the ladies and no not for the reasons you might think but then again knowing me. “Not The Invisible Man.”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, I am here, I am still right here, and you are one of few people that might be comfortable with that sentiment being honest though I wonder where you are. When we’re apart, while you’re dreaming right here next to me when you look at me what do you see?

Maybe I’m too touchy-feely as they say, both emotionally and physically, an exact opposite of Rogue from the X-Men or as the song goes, more than words. I’ve always said, if you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the job don’t touch me, don’t stand so close to me and then here he is and here you are. Maybe I’m afraid that, invisibility had become my superpower and it was the power I chose, so much so that I felt you might never find me and when I noticed you, was I creepy?

So it’s in the moments that I don’t have to wonder, while I’m lying here dreaming, and then I feel your touch, and I know that I don’t have to dream alone anymore. The first time we kissed and then the kiss after that and the one after that, no words, no sight, only the touch, the taste, and I behold the most beautiful thing ever. When I feel your arms wrap around me from behind and I know I’m alive, I’m a man with the most beautiful girl, I’m yours, now and always love.

Back to back, side by side, how do you do it, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but when you don’t look at me at all, I become the most real, the most like myself, and I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m not the invisible man but what power must I have, whatever do you see in me every day and I know I must ask you all the time, I want to, I need to, and when I don’t you just understand.

You take my hand in yours; you lie beside me, you treat as though I’m air, more than this like you rather drown in me and I know I can’t take my eyes off you, or my hands but I try because with you I see myself. I know I want to be that man worthy of you every time I look into the mirror when I look into your eyes, so what’s my power if Not The Invisible Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Some People, NOT Me

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Do I still question how they see me; to be honest they barely do anymore except the occasional text to see that I’m still above ground, still they’re dirty little secret, even from myself nowadays. “Some People, NOT Me”, I’m my own worse critic.

Some people… more than one
Laugh and fear and hate… me
For fun?
My crime is making a “we”
When I’m they’re son
Not the whole world, see

Just some people… not just a few
Over twenty-seven years
Make it their mission for me to lose
The cause of all my tears
Should have been born blue
Maybe I wouldn’t get the sneers

Of some people… more than a dozen
Flesh and blood, a “family”
Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Cousin
Don’t make me happy
Brothers, sisters, all the others
Skin like theirs… no one like me

Because of some people… not most
Look at me, like a diseased rat
Make me doubt, so I don’t know
And tear me down with their attacks
Hate my birth and make me want to go
Not Muslims, Republicans, I’m talking at

But some people… and not the whole damn world
Those from royalty, to slavery, to today, and me
Ashamed and filled with hate for sure
And why shouldn’t I be
Say I’m worthless and I’m no good
The man in the mirror, that I see

Some people won’t understand
They and I are enemies
Dare I say, “I AM A MAN”?
Who is it that cannot see?
My character they cannot stand
And who am I supposed to be
“You people” won’t understand
Some People, NOT Me

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

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Nothing you want to see here unless you like laughing which is the usual response or something plenty worse. Funhouse, I didn’t look to go out so I’m definitely not going in but then again my head is a fun house or madhouse, I can’t decide.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Hey Lady Lu,
There shouldn’t be any filters, uncensored, raw, but you know the last time I was like that, other than writing, it was a trip to Walmart. Now nine times out of ten I have no faith in mirrors the lesson today is how they’re unnecessary but this trip to the store was eye quite opening.

“That’s you, you’re ugly” I probably sound like some teenage girl but that’s what I said to myself and guess what, I left the dressing room and bought the pants. Haven’t gone clothes shopping since but the fact that that I faced that one moment, could I “Call It Courage”; a good book by the way at least when I was a kid. When I was a kid… there are times I don’t even remember when there was such a time and it explains why my parents never acknowledge my existence to others at all.

You know Quasimodo, the phantom of the opera, the Marquis de Sade, talk about mentors and maybe this explains why I like Halloween, my Topsy-Turvy day. I have worn a mask for so long I forget who I really was beneath it and all that’s left, well just another reason not to look right? The Marquis de Sade was thrown into prison for all sorts of things, yeah I continued that proud tradition in juvenile detention and with my novel, I just refuse to work on, though I have time.

I’ve never been in a funhouse and I don’t ever need to because life is full of mirrors and not one of them reveals anything flattering about me. Not one of them reveals the real me, isn’t that why I have you here, isn’t that what we’re working on daily.

No this isn’t about loving myself but rather being myself but the thing about it is, I wanted to be someone worthy of Ms. Seasons, badass enough to be “Oh K”, the devil to the angel. If anything I need to be okay with myself but again I have no idea who that is, the person I’m reflected as I hate, and most days I feel like I’m going crazy.

“She was nice to me. Gave me something I didn’t even know existed I wasn’t never even able to… buy a woman. Yeah, the way I look” Sin City (2005)

Twenty-one days and I still think about what I said to Ms. Seasons, how she looked at me before and how she must see me now in black and white, not that living color was any better. Only a skeevy type of man though would try what I did and she wasn’t okay with it at all but could I really be that sort of man in the end? As for the good girl I’m taking my time but wondering should I be honest, should I dare, or keep her friendship as just a guy?

I’m still trying to grow up if my bank account has anything to say about it and does money make a man, I know enough about that sort of power. At least I didn’t have to see my “work persona” today, walking Braxton is enough and that brings on a whole new set of worries I’ve brought up before. Along with those is the fact that either I want to be known for my money then it doesn’t matter or I truly am terrified of the man I could be given half the chance because I know this for certain, he isn’t good.

“Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.” – Too Cute, Daria

When you have died as many times as I have of course you live with the damage, I broke my front tooth sometime back at elementary school, I don’t eat enough or work out to fill out and I don’t drink enough to not care about it. Did I mention I’m shallow as Hell, I seek out goodness to balance out my wickedness and with the way I look, how do I desire a goddess?

“There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had.” – Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come (1998)

Today though what really got to me was just looking at my dog, he’s been with me since I was 21 or 22, making him around 12 but in his years an angry old man and I blame myself honestly.

Why I’m always freaked out about kids because I have raised Braxton and what is he like, as I said angry, frightens easily, he knows how to put on a show, he’ll growl at the one person that loves him the most, he sleeps a lot, he’s me in a nutshell. I love him more than he’ll ever know and I know there would be a better life for him if he wasn’t as screwed up as he is. How does he think I look at him; I feel like such a negligent parent and yet I trust him more and love him more than anything and just hate that I know I’m not good enough, yeah it’s my fault.

“It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me” Lit

When I write, even right now talking to you I know I can do better but it will never be enough for me to be satisfied. “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” or so they say and as Hemingway put it “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.” thus my problem surely.

“Hell’s waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you’re here.” Sin City (2005)

Am I going to talk about love Luna or maybe the meaning of life; one day I want to look at a woman and see the man I hope to be but in my woman’s eyes I want to see that I’m enough, better, best, that she would choose no other, no she doesn’t love my potential, she loves me. I wrote about Bubble from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets today and how she could be whatever Valerian wanted, like Mystique, maybe this part of the reason I’m a dominant, for another time Luna I’m still Ned Flanders. Yep, Ned Flanders, I’ve been thinking about why I chose him, seeing as how he married Edna Krabappel I might need another role model.

Anyway, what I have learned today is, start with the man in the mirror which means I might have to kill him again, at least face him down, accept him, though Walmart is already a carnival, I have to go back to see the Funhouse.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

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If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi

Piece in the Universe

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The universe is made of such much but we are not gods; I would like to think we are more for making love and that takes two… with a few “accessories”. “Piece in the Universe”, but I want to be more and I’ll need more or should I pull myself together

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E9tuugnJy4

Three little words but only “you”…

And no other
As I pick a flower or two
Just you’re more elusive than a four leaf clover
But it’s not over
They’ll be more, tomorrow too
One more day and another
The birds and bees have reasons

Yet this wallflower cannot flatter
Does it even matter?
My confession

When you’re right here…and so great is my fear
that I no longer care for the man in the mirror
Skipped heart beats, but I’m breathing once again
Like humpty dumpty can I pretend?
Beautiful girl you draw nearer
Fall… you’re close than you appear
While I think of you “indecent”

Things I wish were true
That you will love me love me like you do
Make me your selection

Let me be your one and only
for a moment in your eyes
My heart you’ve already stolen
maybe broken
If only I was brave enough to try
To make the universe less lonely
Two pieces

Making three little words
Am I sure
You and me, quite a reflection

Of love…

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: Kaori Maejima… Shusaku, Yazoo “Only You”, Daughtry “It’s Not Over”, Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Glee Cast “Let Me Love You (Glee Cast Version)” Mario, and Peter Gabriel “In Your Eyes”

Heartbeat Clarity

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What do you do if what you see in the mirror isn’t what you want to see… I do what I can but I can’t afford plastic surgery. Sometimes I don’t even bother to look anymore, that’s the beauty of dreams or wondering what “she” sees. “Heartbeat Clarity”…

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prc4TxQMzMM

And who runs away from paradise
Starting at the world through my rearview
thinking, you’ll love me like you do
Now wouldn’t it be nice

the clarity of such love magnified
But it’s right before your eyes
Closed eyes, big eyes, I wonder why
From I can’t get no… to satisfied

Only you draw nearer
in each and every reflection
without my glasses detection
Figures

I would dream a bit bigger
of being your selection,
some good love and affection
My dear, mirror, mirror

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: Kaori Maejima… Shusaku, Tupac Shakur Ft. Phil Collins “Staring Through My Rear View”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, The Beach Boys “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”, Glee Cast “Clarity (Glee Cast Version)” Zedd Ft. Foxes, Bliss 66 “Not Quite Paradise”, The Rolling Stones “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, and Glee Cast “Let Me Love You (Glee Cast Version)” Mario