Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Nothing you want to see here unless you like laughing which is the usual response or something plenty worse. Funhouse, I didn’t look to go out so I’m definitely not going in but then again my head is a fun house or madhouse, I can’t decide.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Hey Lady Lu,
There shouldn’t be any filters, uncensored, raw, but you know the last time I was like that, other than writing, it was a trip to Walmart. Now nine times out of ten I have no faith in mirrors the lesson today is how they’re unnecessary but this trip to the store was eye quite opening.

“That’s you, you’re ugly” I probably sound like some teenage girl but that’s what I said to myself and guess what, I left the dressing room and bought the pants. Haven’t gone clothes shopping since but the fact that that I faced that one moment, could I “Call It Courage”; a good book by the way at least when I was a kid. When I was a kid… there are times I don’t even remember when there was such a time and it explains why my parents never acknowledge my existence to others at all.

You know Quasimodo, the phantom of the opera, the Marquis de Sade, talk about mentors and maybe this explains why I like Halloween, my Topsy-Turvy day. I have worn a mask for so long I forget who I really was beneath it and all that’s left, well just another reason not to look right? The Marquis de Sade was thrown into prison for all sorts of things, yeah I continued that proud tradition in juvenile detention and with my novel, I just refuse to work on, though I have time.

I’ve never been in a funhouse and I don’t ever need to because life is full of mirrors and not one of them reveals anything flattering about me. Not one of them reveals the real me, isn’t that why I have you here, isn’t that what we’re working on daily.

No this isn’t about loving myself but rather being myself but the thing about it is, I wanted to be someone worthy of Ms. Seasons, badass enough to be “Oh K”, the devil to the angel. If anything I need to be okay with myself but again I have no idea who that is, the person I’m reflected as I hate, and most days I feel like I’m going crazy.

“She was nice to me. Gave me something I didn’t even know existed I wasn’t never even able to… buy a woman. Yeah, the way I look” Sin City (2005)

Twenty-one days and I still think about what I said to Ms. Seasons, how she looked at me before and how she must see me now in black and white, not that living color was any better. Only a skeevy type of man though would try what I did and she wasn’t okay with it at all but could I really be that sort of man in the end? As for the good girl I’m taking my time but wondering should I be honest, should I dare, or keep her friendship as just a guy?

I’m still trying to grow up if my bank account has anything to say about it and does money make a man, I know enough about that sort of power. At least I didn’t have to see my “work persona” today, walking Braxton is enough and that brings on a whole new set of worries I’ve brought up before. Along with those is the fact that either I want to be known for my money then it doesn’t matter or I truly am terrified of the man I could be given half the chance because I know this for certain, he isn’t good.

“Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.” – Too Cute, Daria

When you have died as many times as I have of course you live with the damage, I broke my front tooth sometime back at elementary school, I don’t eat enough or work out to fill out and I don’t drink enough to not care about it. Did I mention I’m shallow as Hell, I seek out goodness to balance out my wickedness and with the way I look, how do I desire a goddess?

“There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had.” – Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come (1998)

Today though what really got to me was just looking at my dog, he’s been with me since I was 21 or 22, making him around 12 but in his years an angry old man and I blame myself honestly.

Why I’m always freaked out about kids because I have raised Braxton and what is he like, as I said angry, frightens easily, he knows how to put on a show, he’ll growl at the one person that loves him the most, he sleeps a lot, he’s me in a nutshell. I love him more than he’ll ever know and I know there would be a better life for him if he wasn’t as screwed up as he is. How does he think I look at him; I feel like such a negligent parent and yet I trust him more and love him more than anything and just hate that I know I’m not good enough, yeah it’s my fault.

“It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me” Lit

When I write, even right now talking to you I know I can do better but it will never be enough for me to be satisfied. “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” or so they say and as Hemingway put it “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.” thus my problem surely.

“Hell’s waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you’re here.” Sin City (2005)

Am I going to talk about love Luna or maybe the meaning of life; one day I want to look at a woman and see the man I hope to be but in my woman’s eyes I want to see that I’m enough, better, best, that she would choose no other, no she doesn’t love my potential, she loves me. I wrote about Bubble from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets today and how she could be whatever Valerian wanted, like Mystique, maybe this part of the reason I’m a dominant, for another time Luna I’m still Ned Flanders. Yep, Ned Flanders, I’ve been thinking about why I chose him, seeing as how he married Edna Krabappel I might need another role model.

Anyway, what I have learned today is, start with the man in the mirror which means I might have to kill him again, at least face him down, accept him, though Walmart is already a carnival, I have to go back to see the Funhouse.

Piece in the Universe

The universe is made of such much but we are not gods; I would like to think we are more for making love and that takes two… with a few “accessories”. “Piece in the Universe”, but I want to be more and I’ll need more or should I pull myself together

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E9tuugnJy4

Three little words but only “you”…

And no other
As I pick a flower or two
Just you’re more elusive than a four leaf clover
But it’s not over
They’ll be more, tomorrow too
One more day and another
The birds and bees have reasons

Yet this wallflower cannot flatter
Does it even matter?
My confession

When you’re right here…and so great is my fear
that I no longer care for the man in the mirror
Skipped heart beats, but I’m breathing once again
Like humpty dumpty can I pretend?
Beautiful girl you draw nearer
Fall… you’re close than you appear
While I think of you “indecent”

Things I wish were true
That you will love me love me like you do
Make me your selection

Let me be your one and only
for a moment in your eyes
My heart you’ve already stolen
maybe broken
If only I was brave enough to try
To make the universe less lonely
Two pieces

Making three little words
Am I sure
You and me, quite a reflection

Of love…

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: Kaori Maejima… Shusaku, Yazoo “Only You”, Daughtry “It’s Not Over”, Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Glee Cast “Let Me Love You (Glee Cast Version)” Mario, and Peter Gabriel “In Your Eyes”