Log 302 ~Willing DJ Or Band~

I haven’t heard a fat lady sing, so this life isn’t over yet… I don’t think so, but to be fair, I haven’t been listening to music lately. Don’t have to block people at work and need to be on guard at Walmart. “Willing DJ Or Band,” my future

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Log 302 ~Willing DJ Or Band~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I burned through my songwriting long ago. Also, I owe my Granddad a hundred bucks, but he said, and I quote, “I don’t know you.” The feeling is mutual, so one less person invited to our wedding. Last week I spoke some about parties and what is a wedding but a celebration of love? As always, I remain a traditionalist so short of a church I want everything a wedding entails. Yeah I’m short groomsmen, My Dæmon is my Best Man, I got my Mom and my sister. Yet here I’m wondering DJ or Band.

The isolation isn’t getting to me but more the lack of music. I’m always listening to something, or so I thought. With no people to block out and nowhere to go well, those voices are fading away. If I want to be sad, here’s a song God Help The Outcasts. Okay, is this going to be a list of my favorite songs? Considering I want to spend my life with you, that will take forever. Still, while I’m on the subject of weddings. I told you about how I still regret not dancing with Indiana Gone at her wedding. Somehow though, I imagine dancing with you on the road to “Drunk On You.” If you asked me to pick our wedding song, though? I’m like a mixture of Howard and Yuri Orlov when it comes to manipulating events. So um, do you want to watch Containment (Katie and Jake) “This Love” or YouTube (Katie and Jake) “If I Lose Myself.”

Okay, back to writing before I start crying; real love songs make me cry Baby Girl heh. I wrote a year’s worth of poetry and added Ellie Goulding’s song “Love Me Like You Do.” Writing is my first love, my firstborn, my second, and you Baby Doll. “You’re My Latest, My Greatest Inspiration.” What about my novel, though, The Eve of a Cherry? Moondust (Stripped) by Jaymes Young, this song is so us when I’m writing. With all those, I love this in one-line, “I’ve buried my love to give the world to you.” The song that explains me and my writing the most though comes from Tupac’s Ghetto Gospel:

“If I upset you don’t stress, never forget
That God isn’t finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes I go blind and let the Lord do his thang” ― Ghetto Gospel, Tupac

Yeah, I’m weird to take a road trip with, right? So what about the question… lightsaber duel, poetry reading but music, Willing DJ Or Band.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 295 ~This Party Will Be~

The day I met my wife should be the happiest day ever, and that was well… how about the day I met my firstborn, or when I met my best friend (human). I’m not one for huge celebrations, but I know the high holy days of women. “This Party Will Be”

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Log 295 ~This Party Will Be~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’ll benefit from the high holy days. Yeah, I can talk about Christmas, Easter, but what about Valentine’s, Halloween. Oh, to be back in the days of retail, and aren’t I still? I’ve never been one for holidays or celebrations, to be honest. Now don’t you worry, your birthday, our Anniversary, and I already mention Valentine’s Day. I’m the type of man that will bring some flowers for no reason or something shiny. An attempt at distraction perhaps for the days I should be celebrating that I usually dread.

For example, last night and this morning Saturday/Sunday. I was terrified for My Dæmon. I didn’t get a wink of sleep, which explains why I’m running so late today. Nothing is going to happen to me because I got you and the kids. I’ve never cherished every breath though with myself. When it comes to him, though? His life is a celebration. You’ve seen me buy him a mountain of fries on his birthday. My firstborn has been with me for over a decade, and it just shows I should do better. Thirty-five years for myself, and I still don’t want to go out on “My Day.” Let the kids bring breakfast in bed, and I know how I want to spend the night; with you. No singing though, no Happy You Know What. Like Dennis Hof, I might go into “work,” but that day isn’t a good one, but needs are only survivable babydoll.

When I finish writing a book, like I did this weekend, there’s no party. I take a breath and a well-deserved nap. Of course, Camp NaNoWriMo isn’t recording the finish yet. I still have editing to do, but there’s never been a thing for one more novel down. I don’t celebrate when I publish either. Most writers go crazy as in, taking happy pictures and having their family all around. I’ll party when I see the money flow into our account, and I’m sitting on a beach watching you and the kids play. Now that’s my dream. I’m sorry I’m not one for celebrations. My Love. Living is what it is, and as long as we’re happy. I don’t need fireworks, lots of loud people, and as the song goes, “You’re All I Need To Get By.” You didn’t think we’d talk without me breaking out a song or two.

Singing because you know I’m not one for “Movin’ Cool.” I promise I’ll stop, hah, but I didn’t even dance at Indiana Gone’s wedding. That was a good day, and I am happy for her, but I still regret not dancing with her. Now, of course, that explains our wedding, Star Wars meets The Hunger Games. As always, I am a traditionalist, so you know I wanted everything, but I was more for “The After Party,” hah. Baby Girl any day being with you is a good day, and you’re all the fun I’ll ever need, This Party Will Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 288 ~Means To A Will~

I’ve never agreed with the sentiment that you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. I avoid mirror but I look at my furry son every day and if I was looking at someone next to me that decided to share my life? “Means To A Will”

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Log 288 ~Means To A Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but do you want to hear how I did it? On the one hand, I don’t want you to be Ava Fontaine, not caring what I do. I’m not one to keep secrets from those I love, which explains My Dæmon and me, telling him everything.

I’m grateful I don’t have to explain who Ava Fontaine is or the term Dæmon. You see, there was this girl once who said she felt like she knew me and then she stopped talking. I know Baby Girl I can be a lot to deal with, I’m always defining myself. I’m hard to love. There’s no denying at all.

The thing is My Love, you get me, you’re there. When I tell you, “I’ll Be” the greatest fan of your life, I mean it. Obsessive, stalkerish, “I’ll be around” as the song goes, I want to know everything, from your head down to your toes. I did tell you I have a thing about feet, right? Anyway, when I quote a book, other than the question, where’s that from? I need you to know what I’m trying to say. Even if you debate me on it, don’t ask what I am trying to say. You know I hate talking on the phone, but I’m like the President with my pauses. Obama, not Trump, because I won’t lie to you ever. It’s in my silences where I speak the loudest. It could be too much to ask, but I’m not asking you to read my mind but feel in the blanks, you ought know Alanis.

Call it me getting in touch with my feminine side, and if it that offends you, good. It’s not the very first time, nor the last time. The point is you should know I don’t want to hurt you ever, okay, and even in that, I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Baby Doll, I guess I’m feeling alone, and everyone that wants to talk doesn’t get me at all. I love being a father. I love telling beautiful young women what to do. Like Jigsaw, I want people to see as I see. You’re different though, I need you to see me. That too is too much, I know. If I were to say “Stay With Me until the end, please,” You would say “Always.” Now, what game’s that from?

Sigh Means To A Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 281 ~Will’s Feat Of Love~

I would die before I let anyone harm my furry son. Now when I have a bigger family of my own well, I’m already making preparations, I’ve got the house, and I’m getting weapons as they say “all’s fair in love and war.” “Will’s Feat Of Love.”

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Log 281 ~Will’s Feat Of Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still wouldn’t buy one of those bubble balls for myself. I always remember the distance I traveled, the feet that came after, and the fear of defeat. Love and war as they say. I will say I believe more in the former because the latter would mean to be without you. Now I could go all Final Fantasy X Chappu on you. Yeah, I haven’t been playing many video games in our isolation. I have my other ladylove in life, writing. Only one more way to protect you, Babygirl.

“Chappu also said to me… That being with your girl is good… But keeping Sin far away from her is better.”

Luzzu, Final Fantasy X

For a few days, all I’ve wanted to say is, well, like when we first met. I Want to Hold Your Hand.” Instead, I’m Ethan Hawke, a.k.a. James Sandin from The Purge (2013). I’m checking out all the arsenal, adding on. The weight of such things, the meaning still freaks me out. Then there’s the wait, again I’m reminded of our first date. You won’t like me saying this, but I was sick, stressed out, and you know, silent. The hallmark of our marriage because I’m a hard man to know. Am I scared of dying? Sadly, the answer is still no. But the idea of us never being close, though? How much closer can we get? I see the signs everywhere now. Stay 6 feet apart all the time, and yes, I’m still thinking about that lady yelling at me the other day. There was also Cherry talking about it. What about the businesses that I run every day?

Loving me is like something out of Containment. You’re the Katie to my Jake, and the shower curtain separates us. You’re the Teresa to my Xander, and I want to do right by you, but there’s everything, sickness, other people, your mother. Hmm, that’s a marriage stereotype somehow. I’m Lex, you’re Jana, and I want to keep everything from falling apart. You can see why I love paws so much. Our furry son hates anyone touching them, but still, I walk him, lift him, let him lay wherever. Now I’m being honest, but here’s a secret Love… feet freak me out. Don’t ask me what it is, but I avoid them. It could be seeing the movie Boomerang, I would have been eight when it came out ha. Anyway, living For The Love Of You always. Will’s Feat Of Love.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 274 ~Will My Love End~

I’ve always wanted to believe in unconditional love, love everlasting, and well, I’m kind of greedy when it comes to love. I hoard it like toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and bullets. “Will My Love End,” not if I can help it, please don’t give up on me

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Log 274 ~Will My Love End~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I can probably tell you where I got the first dollar I ever made. When I was a tot, there was a time I believed $300.00 would solve all my problems. I said the words, “if there is any money you’re not using, can I have it?” Besides you, my dæmon, and our other children, I hated when others would touch me. For the almighty dollar, though, I was doling out hugs for profit, which explains my views in business. Anyway, I can remember the first time I “fell in love,” but it’s only been in that which I’m scared it will all someday end.

What would be the proper answer, Babygirl? Love never ends, isn’t that in the Bible somewhere. You know I’m not a man of God though I do have particular views. My Love for the family we have made is indeed endless. Even if I fall in days such as these, and I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so morbid today, possibly. Again during this time, a man has to think of the future. Only I don’t want to be like one of those men who forgets his Anniversary, your birthday, Valentine’s Day. My Olds attempted to raise a man, a southern gentleman at best. Still, I rather forget about how screwed up I was when trying to “court” you. My Love, I choose to forget about my fears even to this very day that one day you might “wake up.” Remember Steve Carell’s wife in Seeking a Friend for the End of the World?

So today I want to be happy sitting here with you watching that film. I want to check on my businesses and having you right by my side. I built this world for us, so I would never have to leave it, but what if we did? I still hate my father, but he is there for my mother, and I will be there for you. If I got infected, bit, or anything, I trust you’ll do the right thing. We could lose our minds together, walk this Earth together, end it together, that’s all I want. If we were ever separated, would I have it in me to find you again? Our atoms like Will to his Lyra, His Dark Materials, a fantastic series.

Never, Will My Love End.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 267 ~Will It Be Easier~

I heard in a movie a man only needs someone to love, a dreamy thought, but I’m still greedy and a bit of a control freak, and am I strange that I figured the end of the world would be different, so this isn’t it. Will It Be Easier

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Log 267 ~Will It Be Easier~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m no hero. In times such as these, there are no capes, but I see the truck drivers. People are working in retail. I still lament my local history for the record shudders. My Love, there are doctors. It’s only day two of us being in, well besides to let all the kids out. We’ve seen the restaurants, though. I’m sure the farmers are still at it. The garbagemen are working, and do we have neighbors? There are helpers all around us, but as always, I want so much more.

I thank them all but why couldn’t I have met you sooner. I’ll admit I haven’t read much these days, but I remember. If The Hunger Games, Divergent, Article 5 have taught me anything. There is always a 17-year-old girl, waiting to save us. Ask me again, why are daughters got named Katniss, Tris, and Ember? Hoping they take after you, baby doll. At the same time, a man like me dates way out of his league. You’re the Maggie to my Glenn, the Red to my 10K, my Alicia Clark. I’m Christian Grey enough to admit I have a thing for brunettes. Still, I only have eyes for you, and maybe that’s why the world doesn’t look so bleak. Why there is no place that I would rather be than home. There’s a method to my madness, my anxiety wanting everything under our roof.

It’s also easier to write about things other than the end of the world. I don’t think this is strange enough. Yet, most of my stories involve a man locked in with a bunch of beautiful women. I didn’t see my wife and kids being in the cards but call it karma. So about the question, will it be easier? Besides Indiana Gone, you’re the only woman that knows about how serious I take The Walking Dead. What about Fear TWD, Z Nation, Contagion, Containment, pretty much anything George Romero? I guess I’m also thinking about Jericho, with people arming up, but like I said two days of isolation so far. SIGH, would it be easier escaping all the voices, would the words I love you be enough? Again I’m greedy. I want to share with Indiana Gone, her hubby, and kids, all our friends.

With so much love, baby girl, Will It Be Easier?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 260 ~It’s Called Love Will~

The good news I’m not binging on toilet paper, I got enough for me, ha. While my kid, well, he has his puppy pads and grass, but the bad news isn’t I have come down with the love bug of a romantic sort. It’s Called Love Will.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Log 260 ~It’s Called Love Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, that’s something I won’t keep a secret. Neither is the fact that I hate my father. My Love, I’ve said before as Meat Loaf sang, I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. What, reconcile with my father, give away my firstborn, give up on my dreams? Anyway, as much as I despise him, and the fact that he abused my mom, cheated on her, and other things.

The thing is when she’s hurt or sick; he’s been there, always. I want to do the same, I will, babydoll. Let me be the Francesco to your Graziana if you’ll have me, My Love.

You can thank The Gargoyle for that reference. It’s a coincidence that I’m reading a story set during the Black Death while we live in the Plague Era. One more reason to make money before we’re all trapped inside. Of course, you know me so well, for me it’s paradise. Now I’m not sick with the Coronavirus (COVID-19), but I’m no fun when I’m out for the count. You’ll tell me it can’t be healthy to watch movies like Contagion, Daybreak, and Maggie. I’ll binge on The Walking Dead and Containment. How will you ever cope? I’ve talked about how love is often akin to dying. I don’t talk enough; you take my breath away. My knees get weak; my heart skips a beat, I’m falling for you, all over again. Don’t even get me started on calling you an angel, and here I want to go to heaven now.

I can’t say I know what to do when you get sick. Like my father, I sat with my mom, but that’s all I knew. There’s a friend of mine. Now when she had “women issues,” I bought her a ton of chocolate, gave her a blanket, and we watched movies. When it was My Dæmon, I stayed up all night, cradling him and reading something more “family-friendly.” I can tell you; I’ll be right here with you. One thing with me being such a baby, nothing phases me but to see you in pain or sick? A conversation for another time when it comes to the pain, but I did cringe when my son cried out because of a tick in his ear. I don’t know what terror awaits us, dear zombie apocalypse partner.

Together, It’s Called Love Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 253 ~Willing Form Of Excess~

As the song goes, why didn’t I say, the things I needed to say, in a way I guess I’m following suit with everyone else, and the truth shall set you free, of the mortal coil that is, falling in love SIGH. Willing Form Of Excess, yep it’s too much

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Log 253 ~Willing Form Of Excess~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and as always, I want more. My Love, my heart exists in the seven pounds of fluff, that is, My Firstborn. I could hold it my IPad or Kindle when I get a new one, of course. At one point, it could fit like the chocolate on my pillow. My heart is the boom in my ears with whatever I choose to listen to. I could keep it in my wallet, in my pocket, it is every word on the screen. This heart of mine, baby girl, could fit on a computer screen, and I wanted so badly to see it in the mirror. Then one day SUDDENLY, I met you.

Yes, I like Billy Ocean, but ahem that’s beside the point. Sometimes I think I’m drowning in you baby doll. Have you ever noticed that love is always akin to dying? Knees get weak, can’t catch your breath, falling? Butterflies in your stomach, silence, fly away. I could go on, but love seems scary, painful, and torturous. So you think I’m running away from you and the children. I’ve said I’ll never be one of those men with a “Man Cave,” I prefer a Study. Okay, I will have a TV and video games. Anyway, my point is and I’ve said this enough I am afraid if you ever got to know everything. If you knew what I spent three hours today looking up? You know my businesses, my writings, my dreams, but I am a greedy such and such.

Running, I’ll admit to that, but as the song goes, take me as I am, take my life, who am I, Robin Hood? Now, If I were yours indeed, as you are mine, my heart, like the Grinch, grows three times. My Love, there wouldn’t be room for everything I feel for you and our family. I’ve said I would not destroy my vision, not even for you. I’m all Tangled with you being my New Dream. To share this with you, to never burn it away but to bathe in it. You’re my mermaid, my siren, my tsunami, and did I mention I never learned to swim. Worse is I know who I am, what I am, and like Edward, to Bella, I want to protect your soul. There is a reason I’ve always liked good girls, innocent, pure.

I build this world even greater, More, for love of you, Willing Form Of Excess.

“You’ll never be just anything. A tsunami can never be ‘just’ a wave.”
“Get off my chin.”
“I like that about you. Waves are banal. Tsunamis reshape the Earth. Under the right circumstances, even entire civilizations.”
I blink.
“You’re going to be one hell of a woman one day” Iced

I Will Have No Fear

Log 246 ~A Question Of Will~

I regret not dancing with my friend at her wedding but the song, do you love me now that I can dance, well for the right woman I better learn like “American Wedding” am I right, and I have more questions. “A Question Of Will”

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Log 246 ~A Question Of Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and an intellectual. Yeah, which one of those is truer? You know I’m a Star Wars fan, so I’ll quote Han Solo, “Never tell me the odds.” I’m one to ask questions because I want to know, and at the same time, it’s like I will never understand. If it’s not that, then I already know the answer. In a way, I do, am I the best lover and friend, the best daddy I can. Come on; you think I was going to get through this without music, namely Will Smith. Well, how about 21 Questions?

Don’t worry, my love I’m not going to bore you today with that many. I could ask you how you think my new book is doing. How I respect the NaNoWriMo community, but I’m ready to turn Facebook off. From asking about my book title to the differences between Reverend and Minister. You could ask me how was work today? I don’t want to say okay. What I do now is a million times better than once upon a time? Still, the things I looked up, the stories appearing in front of my eyes, the money, the power, the women. I’ll ask you to stay with me, and I’m frightened of what that answer might be someday. I won’t lie; it was a lack of confidence at one point. Only I know who I am and what I want, and I’ve said, I Can’t Stop.

You ask me, am I happy and I’ll ask you the same. Does the money make me happy, my dæmon, our other children, you? My mom told me once about unconditional love, but she didn’t protect me from my “father.” I will never be like him, but the fact that again you stay, you’re mine. You’ll have to excuse me, maybe it’s novels, perhaps it’s braided hair, or I could have half a brain. I’ll ask you, Real or Not Real; you love me? Star Wars and The Mockingjay, right? The strange thing is, the hardest question I asked you was, what’s your name. After that, everything else followed, but my curiosity never stopped. I will understand someday, but I have to keep asking the questions. One more song; oh darling Stay With Me, won’t you.

I don’t have much of a voice, am I so smart, A Question Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 239 ~A Whole New Will~

Last night I discovered something brand new, not the kind of thing I would share with my son but with a woman in my life, the right woman I should say, finding new worlds, more “stuff, and thangs.” A Whole New World

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Log 239 ~A Whole New Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m greedy. My Love, I have to admit that I am somewhat Hoity-Toity. You’re looking at a man who was upset at the La Quinta by Wyndham. All because I preferred Courtyard by Marriott. SHUDDERS, my foot still hurts remembering that long drive. I was angry at myself for not getting My Dæmon a better boarding room. There were women way before you that I would choose a hotel before my “house.” I’m trying to explain that when I think of a whole new world. A whole new me I honest to God mean better.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions…. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Sure we’ve had this conversation before. If a man wants an angel, he must build Heaven. A queen must have her throne. In my businesses, I want to provide the most beautiful, the comfiest place imaginable. As Sade would sing, “is it a crime?” You and I, My Love, as parents want to provide a better world for our children, more than we ever knew in our lives. Yes, I suppose I will be using plenty of songs today. Take another one of my favorites, “With Arms Wide Open.” One more reason I don’t want the kids to be like me, I tell them, “Be Not So Fearful” of this world before them. At the same time, baby girl, I create new worlds in my writing. Again I wish to build paradise because I know this world. I know I haven’t seen much of the world, and that’s why I want you and me together.

“You’ll never be just anything. A tsunami can never be ‘just’ a wave.”
“Get off my chin.”
“I like that about you. Waves are banal. Tsunamis reshape the Earth. Under the right circumstances, even entire civilizations.”
I blink.
“You’re going to be one hell of a woman one day” Iced

To me, my baby doll, “You Are My Home.” Not good, better, or even best, you are MINE. I become the man I want to be that I need to be, that I always should have been, because of you. Dare I say, “You Rock My World.” Understand this now. You’re my asteroid “Armageddon,” my tsunami “Iced,” my hurricane “Nerve.” You destroyed my world so that I could build the land of my dreams. You’re different, and excuse my geeky reference, but Galen called Jyn “Stardust; I call you “Moondust.” It scares me sometimes to think of the power you have and the power I found because of you. The things I will do and that I won’t do for you in this life. The more things change, the more they stay the same, looking at the man in the mirror, A Whole New Will.

I Will Have No Fear