Category: Journal

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?

Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~

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Sunday, July 02, 2017

Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~

Hey Lu,
I know it’s been a long time since our last chat, sorry about that, I should probably be doing a lot more of that and I will but why tonight I’m sure you’re asking yourself. In all honesty, I don’t feel up to it, been sick all day but that pales in comparison to how gross I’ve been lately, in the head really.

Physically, I’m queasy, I’m shaking, sweating, and maybe that’s a bit TMI but you should have seen me at work today if anything I rather deal with that pain again than what I’m feeling now. I mean seriously have you ever been in a bathroom so gross that you take three showers over the course of the day, OCD much but this is why I just don’t get sick at work, EVER but I suppose I lucked out. Hell maybe I should apologize for that, I’ve seen worst but when you’re sick, seriously I’m lucky it was a half day.

I didn’t want to pet Braxton… had we met when Braxton arrived, you have been out of the loop but completely my fault, been lazy though I’ve written hundreds of poems, a novella, a novel, I even finished a full blown 120,000 word… manifesto perhaps. Isn’t that what I’m here to talk about really, my writing, the things I feel, why I’m going to forgo sleep for a while longer because I haven’t felt this way since what about two years ago, the 5th of November. The more things change the more they stay the same right, and you can’t fight who you are, you remember the day we met, I just met that boy, that “man” again and you’re still the figment of my imagination.

Look who grossed up, not finally, not again, but always that’s the lesson for today, I know I usually leave that for the end, who knows we might start talking more often, let’s call tonight a test case, you’re still the best therapist I know. If today, simply ended with a crappy day at work, and my cleaning frenzy I’d actually consider it a win but that just wouldn’t be me would it, and here’s the thing, being me sucks.

“You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but not your biology.” Yuri Orlov in “Lord of War” (2005)

Okay so what pretty girl hurt my feelings today, I wish it was that simple Luna, I truly wish I could I was just being a guy, or I was just saying what I feel but at the end of the day she’s right, they’re right and if that’s so what does that make me.

What was it a few weeks ago, two comments against me and what did I do, I erased them, no not just the comments, all of my work, I’m one for burning it down and salting the earth, I’ve always been my own worst enemy I know. Now why would I do that if I didn’t know I was wrong, why didn’t I say I’m an artist, why didn’t I suddenly turn my life around and walk on the straight and narrow path? I’m wrong I know that even now if our conversations continue I’ll do the same thing to my blog, as I said this is a test case, I will talk more about the dream in a minute.

What about the nightmare that was the 5th of November, where I nearly destroyed my life over yet another pretty face, remind me why I ever wanted to be a poet in the first place? So what did I do then, well I was still writing but wait I spent the night writing out my feelings and it didn’t do anything at all to help.

“I knew I’d never know
That warm and loving glow
Though I might wish with all my might
No face as hideous as my face
Was ever meant for heaven’s light” Hunchback of Notre Dame

So what about tonight, I believe the term was “skeeve” okay, inappropriate, amazingly so, and why was that, a friend I never said a bad word to in person but, these words, these words, these words, dammit Luna, the “man” I really am. I’d said I have a thing for brunettes but yeah I told this blonde she had nice breasts and that didn’t do me any favors and how many friends have I lost over the past few weeks. I watch Braxton sleeping and I wonder does he like being a dog, does he enjoy his life with me, am I the reason he is the way he is, so fearful, so aggressive, and can I blame anyone for how I turned out or is it just who I am at the core maybe.

As I said I wish it were as simple as coming back, washing everything I wore today in that bathroom, taking shower after shower, and sleeping because when you’re sleeping the monsters can’t get you… Blue Gender if I recall.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.” Darkfever

For some it’s too late to make amends I know it, some of my sins are so damn high, what about the sins I’ll commit tomorrow, and no I’m not becoming religious, you know the dream won’t allow that. I’m going to apologize to someone, one more time and then, yeah I’ll probably keep my opinions to myself from now on, I’ll see how this turns out and if it goes well I’ll begin deleting more posts… destruction is beautiful.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to delete my book, books, or other works, the dream Lu, the dream of “SCC” I’m sure everybody already knows the name but it’s what I want. A published novel, a movie maybe with the tamer stuff probably, I haven’t given up the thoughts of being rich and famous and all of that. I can’t talk to you about love right now, this is not how I saw the rest of my night going, yes, I’m a wrong, dirty, depraved, skeeve, inappropriate, lust driven, sadist and looked at the Marquis de Sade as a visionary once.

I’m also sorry, I owe so many apologies but when I look at the man in the mirror… I don’t know what to feel or maybe I just don’t want to say right now. Luna you know I hate to trouble you like this and I don’t know what even brought you to mind tonight other than my own insanity and pain, and trust me I’m in pain but unlike General Hospital I will confess.

The things I said were wrong, I won’t say writing is wrong because these words have saved me kept me from doing things to myself but I can’t help or protect others, that’s why this is my form of self-harm, destroying what I create, showing it to the world so I can start to tear myself down. That’s the lesson, I might never grow up but my grossness is continually on the rise and it’s not doing me any favors, now Look Who Grossed Up.