Thursday, July 6, 2017

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

“Can you blush?” Blade II

Lu,
Let’s chalk that up to one of those things I’ll never be able to do, though I’ve tried and yes stupid people have noticed. Now I’ve been talking about a burning in blood as of late but today’s lesson will be on, guess what… humiliation.

I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve and we both know I tend to take things to seriously which leads to a lot of resentment and plenty of anger. Trust me I have plenty of fuel to burn but while I was at work today “it” happened again. The “it” when for a moment in time I freeze, I remember, and it takes me a minute or so to fight back the feeling, my version of a panic attack I suppose Luna.

The last panic attack I recall… somewhere between when I worked for the “red shirts” and when I met an online friend in real life; the shaking, the breathing, the experience of the whole world falling apart but it’s just me crumbling at the time clock or the box office. Only that’s not the real Hell and we will be getting to one of my “Dante’s Inferno” rants, I have still sworn off the second circle for a while. What I thought about today is that it’s not the burning that gets to me but the being frozen in place and time, that wrecks me.

No, it doesn’t, it keeps me, that’s the worst part about it, you see a wreck, hitting rock bottom would be the end, and I’ve talked about being destroyed before. It’s the after, that might be more problematic than the event itself, the aftermath.

I’ve heard the saying that everything you want lies on the other side of fear, so you walk through Hell, you burn but I’ve never experienced that sense of relief that freedom of yeah I’ve done it and I’m finally okay.

Take for example today, well I mowed the yard maybe a week ago right, I think “okay the neighbors won’t yell” they never have but anyway I get back to the house today and boom two big anthills, one center of the yard, another half into the neighbors. So I rush out and put some ant killer stuff on the yard right, problem solved but no I’m stuck on how long have those anthills been out there, did the neighbors see, what if the stuff doesn’t work, did I use it wrong, was it the wrong stuff etc. Talk about building a mountain out of a molehill or anthill in this case honestly.

You didn’t think I was going to go a day without talking about the incident right, just more proof that I’m stuck here, will I apologize again, will I hate, been ignoring her and most mutual people on Facebook. Do they know who I really am, what do they think about me, will I ever comment again, will I ever shut up?

What about when I was at work today, first I said I got stuck in my moment and usually when I’m there I either kick a hole in a box or stomp my foot really hard like I’m stomping on the devil, stupid religious background. Anyway, I get asked to deliver the jewelry p to the front, a simple enough task, except I don’t know where they want the cart, not to mention some of the boxes were mixed, hats and things, general vicinity but not exactly jewelry. Besides that, and the stupid pillows, so much for any thoughts of walking tall but I try, Lady Lu, I really try but it’s almost like this person I am is set in stone, like any headstone.

That’s my whole point, it’s as if I’m already dead in a way, another reason I stomp the ground, maybe I’m trying to get myself out of the ground but I keep falling back into it, frozen in place or just trudging my way through the snow, however, I can.

Seems dumb to be talking about snow here… the actual weather matches my mood, either a torrential storm or burning hot. You know that’s how my father does it, hate that I’m giving him any props but that’s how he gets by, he hates the whole damn world and everyone in the end just kowtows.

I go back and forth with this hating people thing and why I have bad thoughts, I guess though I have a sliver of hope left for humanity. I prefer the higher circles but, anxiety, shame, rage, all drive me down lower, they burn me but the lowest circle of Hell is encased in ice. The greatest sin is Treachery and this I truly believe and either I or my anxiety is guilty of such a sin dear Lady Ly.

In is defined as a violation of faith; betrayal of trust, treason, perfidy, faithlessness, but am I the betrayer or have I been betrayed… to be honest, both. I don’t betray other people, okay I mean if they came at me first but I do betray myself every single day, and then some and here I wonder why I don’t get anywhere. The more I warm to someone and here I am again and the only way to recover is to burn with rage, none of this is doing any good. So I sit here stuck, taking it step by step, remembering every stupid thing I’ve done and trying to move past it but being hit with it yet again.

So what have I learned… I don’t want to be my father, I told a friend I don’t want to be angry all the time but I heard in a movie once, I’ll keep my rage and bitterness because at least I know they’re true. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t want to be stuck, frightened, fighting to keep my head up and staying out of the ground but I’m freezing with embarrassment.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist.” Cypher Raige – After Earth (2013)