Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

Lu,
To be fair on any given day I’m pretty out there, crazy, insane, eccentric, and yes even “skeeve” I cannot tell you how much I hate that word. Is it really the word though or just who I associate with it and for once I’m not talking about myself now.

Okay so what are we doing here if not talking about myself right but am I over the incident, you know I have the tendency to blow thing way out of proportion. I think it comes with the whole bipolar territory but haven’t gotten around to talking to another “real” therapist as of late, like the last two or three maybe more were any help. Besides you listen to me for free and I don’t have to flush my medication down the toilet though I’ve been thinking about that stuff I bought from Amazon right.

“Anger is more useful than despair.” Arnold Schwarzenegger – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

That’s where I’ve been lately, lost in despair but if I haven’t made this clear, it seems I’m getting madder and madder, talk about watching the world burn, I’m burning up but at least for the moment, I’m not destroying my work. Talk about the five stages of grief, I was never in denial, there was nothing to deny, I confessed, I apologized, hell I wish she would post more stuff to cover my stupidity or just erase it herself. There is nothing to deny and for a couple of days there I skipped straight to depression, nothing to bargain for and like I said anger is not acceptable either.

Only I am angry and instead of being sorry for the first time I’m actually pretty grateful to be this upset because it has done something my previous sin could not. I’m here aren’t I, I’m writing blowing off friends a bit to get this done to let this out, though I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily helping at all.

Is that what I want… help, no Lady Lu, was this some sort of a wake-up call, perhaps a call to arms, well mine might fall off with all this writing I have been doing lately. That night when we got back to talking I thought I wanted to drop dead, maybe I did and this is Hell which explains the fire burning inside me.

“All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale, Network (1976)

See now I’m starting to get mad at myself all over because was I treating her like a human being instead of a… well there are so many things I want to say but I’m having a Ned Flanders crisis of conscience still. It wasn’t that serious, I don’t think but again it comes with my usual state of mind, whoever I am given the moment. For the record, I like to think I’m the perfect gentlemen and I do respect women, equal pay, equal rights, and everything in-between though I would never prescribe to all the ideology of feminism.

What about who I am though, I’m perfectly acceptable as long as I’m quite and dependable, aren’t I or is that scary too, is that wrong. You know I went for days without speaking to anyone at work and I’m the bad guy, people can say whatever they want, speak for me and I’m the bad guy. Back in school, I was the flowers and candies guy, I was the one the jerks came to for pretty words so they could get back with their girls but I was pretty much playing Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was I done with the apologies, I’m sorry if this sounds all too familiar Lu, same stuff different day but that just goes to show that things never change. Except for now usually, a pretty face would make me do all sorts of stupid things in the name of “attraction” now I’m up and about it the name of war.

Okay dialing it back but I’m writing now because of that anger, but let’s talk business, you know that Mime poem I wrote gave me my biggest rush of likes, the poem about almost getting fired seriously. Didn’t I tell you destruction is beautiful and since I’ve stopped with the other stuff, not a day goes by without a like.

So I’m embracing the madness, a business decision, you tell me, but for a few more days at least I’m going to let this anger wash over me, fuel to my fire. There are two emotions that guide me in this world and one of them ain’t joy and for the moment the fifth circle holds its sway. Only another reason that I’m mad at myself is the fact that it would take something like this to inspire me to work so hard once again.

I think I may have gotten it wrong as I do most things, so why not embrace the madness and the terror, and hopefully not the utter disgust. Physically I’ve been feeling better though I do have lingering worries, some pain actually serves a greater purpose. Note I said some not all but I will thank her for the pain she gave me because yes it has made me stronger.

No I shouldn’t say that but I do know I want to finish my book, I want to make my blog something if anything just to show her up, success is striking back isn’t it.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness.” Victor Strand
The lesson for today is let myself go crazy, work my ass off, ignore pretty brunettes, yes Embrace The Madness.