Thursday, September 21, 2017

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but wait for it, doesn’t it always return; maybe I will feel better when the days of “Sapphire” have ended but again I’m waiting. I wonder when was the last time I waited for something besides the ending of a mental health crisis to come to a conclusion, and I suppose Amazon leaves something to look forward to a bit.

I’ve been thinking about when doom became the end of it, always waiting for the end to arrive which seems constant, a ticket I couldn’t pay, for sleeping pills to take effect, losing my job, not like those kids in Stephen King’s “It” but yeah everything seems to be life or death. What about disappointment, I guess my nap truly didn’t do anything for me this afternoon, just another sign of the times. Even getting off work, I tell myself that things are going to get better, I’ll be more productive and it’s more a case of, I’ll do better next time every single day.

What happened to those days when I couldn’t sleep, not because I was afraid but because I was excited, these days I either work until I can’t think anymore or I fall asleep in seconds, talk to “Indiana Gone” about my texting, in less than three minutes I can be gone for the night. I do remember a Christmas Eve, here or there where my sister and I couldn’t sleep and we would wake up in the dark going to get our presents and then it grew later and later, now it doesn’t matter, wake up, walk Braxton, another day, Recently I’ve been thinking about this new place Luna, my empire and having to fund it, to be seen and heard but wouldn’t that just bring back all the fear?

It wasn’t so bad now was it, giving up the poem a day in exchange for the rules and if we didn’t have our conversations who would even know or care, I would actually be surprised if one person knew I was missing from our old stomping grounds. The thing is this place should have already been unveiled, grand opening but no, I’m still waiting and I can’t afford that, even if this is the month of Sapphire it’s wasted.

So what have I learned today, maybe there truly is a reason I’m sitting here, just Waiting to See It.

I Will Have No Fear