Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

What are you waiting for, Ellie Goulding doesn’t have to wait for anything but I am waiting for the worst possible outcome at every single given opportunity. Waiting to See It, Pennywise doesn’t scare me so much as my wasted life.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but wait for it, doesn’t it always return; maybe I will feel better when the days of “Sapphire” have ended but again I’m waiting. I wonder when was the last time I waited for something besides the ending of a mental health crisis to come to a conclusion, and I suppose Amazon leaves something to look forward to a bit.

I’ve been thinking about when doom became the end of it, always waiting for the end to arrive which seems constant, a ticket I couldn’t pay, for sleeping pills to take effect, losing my job, not like those kids in Stephen King’s “It” but yeah everything seems to be life or death. What about disappointment, I guess my nap truly didn’t do anything for me this afternoon, just another sign of the times. Even getting off work, I tell myself that things are going to get better, I’ll be more productive and it’s more a case of, I’ll do better next time every single day.

What happened to those days when I couldn’t sleep, not because I was afraid but because I was excited, these days I either work until I can’t think anymore or I fall asleep in seconds, talk to “Indiana Gone” about my texting, in less than three minutes I can be gone for the night. I do remember a Christmas Eve, here or there where my sister and I couldn’t sleep and we would wake up in the dark going to get our presents and then it grew later and later, now it doesn’t matter, wake up, walk Braxton, another day, Recently I’ve been thinking about this new place Luna, my empire and having to fund it, to be seen and heard but wouldn’t that just bring back all the fear?

It wasn’t so bad now was it, giving up the poem a day in exchange for the rules and if we didn’t have our conversations who would even know or care, I would actually be surprised if one person knew I was missing from our old stomping grounds. The thing is this place should have already been unveiled, grand opening but no, I’m still waiting and I can’t afford that, even if this is the month of Sapphire it’s wasted.

So what have I learned today, maybe there truly is a reason I’m sitting here, just Waiting to See It.

I Will Have No Fear

Kid Rocks

What’s my age again, what’s my age again, wait that isn’t heavy metal but all people have it in them literally, or on them, and I suppose I’m only getting heavier at my age. Kid Rocks, because am I growing up, I wanted to be an astronaut, help Atlas.

Stoned, however, it’s known
as heavy metal plays on my phone
I know I must be a pain

for Atlas carrying the Earth
Perhaps a sapphire is to blame

Because all that glitters is not gold
or silver, diamonds, and I was told
It doesn’t matter what’s in a name

A stone will crush us all the same

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

Head splitting headache, I would get them all the time back in school because of anxiety, beats praying on the porcelain altar and I wish I could say I’ve been drinking. “Not Set in Stone”, I’m just waiting for someone to say, you blockhead

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, honestly I don’t want to say I was afraid though fear is a sickness, it’s a long story so let’s call it anxiety, or if you prefer the short version, a bad headache. Things Can and/or Will Always Get Worse, another rule among many that I have come up with today but I know I’m not the only one, as the song plays on Lu.

Should I say that I’m having trouble keeping my head up, today it’s been sort of a cinder block, talk about giving people a piece of my mind if they did some stupid group activity at work? Another way to look at it is like one of those people in a mental institution, I could use something like that, on the other hand, do I really want to keep the thoughts in that are going all Andy Dufresne trying to escape. Other times it’s like a never ending echo and just as I appear to be getting better, the thoughts shoot around like a pinball.

My Lady you know I’m a simple man with delusions of grandeur and considering others, why am I so afraid, at least I don’t have naked pictures circulating, that I know of. Nobody can compare one’s pain to another but intents and purposes I think I understand some of those celebrities involved in another “Frappening”. They have the world to see them and still I look upon my own shame, not that these celebs have anything to be ashamed of, they were hacked and possibly not thinking clearly, I swear the same thread, my head.

In this day and age it’s still the Sword of Damocles hanging above all of us right, Jigsaw before Jigsaw, to be completely honest I had these problems before the Internet existed… what’s my age again? Now I think everyone nowadays only prays for the next scandal to take off the spotlight, sink or swim in a way and I’m telling Rose to let me on that damn door ha.

When I was in the sixth grade I fell for this girl the “Iron Maiden” she had cancer once upon a time but anyway, before the digital age I was still playing the young poet.

So I intended to woo her, it would take days, a week or two but I wrote her letters and played my own messenger saying I was acting on behalf of someone else, which I would in high school actually for other “gentlemen”. Of course, I let my biology get the best of me and rushed revealing myself and let’s just say, humiliation ensued so when a guy like Roosh V says to imagine the worst case scenario and it won’t be that bad… wrong because I’ve lived through it over and over. It’ll go away but that’s what I thought was supposed to be good about aging, that you forget sooner, geez Luna why am I still thinking about this? Isn’t that today’s lesson that things are not set in stone and yet with college files, the internet, and everything else, it’s always there.
How about if we look at this from the other side, remember the first Frappening with Jennifer Lawrence and you know I’m a fanboy there, without question. I’m a bad man Luna no denying that and I felt so bad for her, I mean after all she was a victim, but that didn’t stop me from collecting all the pictures that I could. She’s ashamed the pictures got out and they are going to be there forever, scour the internet clean, how many hard drives still have those pictures. It’s easier when you’re the one doing the burning and the salting and when it’s not you grin and bear it wondering what people think of you and when it comes to Jennifer, I liked her before, I like her now.

“Six hours ago, I was ready to give my life for you. Do you know what has changed in the last six hours?

No.

Nothing.” – The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

My point is Lu that while our feelings can change, some things clearly are set in more than stone that can’t be erased and we simply must live with them, that’s why a bunch of stupid notes are still at my old school and people have pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs all over the place.

How about all those Confederate monuments, German people are ashamed of the Nazis but Americans celebrate them and the Confederacy. Speaking of celebrations, you know I couldn’t leave out “Sapphire” you know what that stone represents right and it’s coming faster now, I hate it.

Some things need to be torn down, destroyed but you know I would never ever say that about words, from my own writing to others because this is not Fahrenheit 451 or Newspeak. What about the walls in my own mind, this has been a time of my great fear, happens every year and now I’m just holding out to the end of the month, maybe I’ll forget more, be more open and everything else. For now, my feet are like lead but my will is iron, and write now the stones that have hurt me will help build up my blog all the more, hopefully, less depressing, big dreams.

As far as Sapphire is concerned, I remember high school, nearly on the day another person, a teacher tore me apart, yet another reason I hate the coming Sapphire. “Indiana Gone” is doing her best, I might try to have “Gospel Girl” over, and “Okay” well I hope she is, to be honest. I should truly take stock and be grateful for everything that I have, every year it surprises me, I’m still around here.

So what have I learned today other than the fact that it ain’t my heart it’s my damn head that’s heavy that I am living just not to think… does that make me a Trump supporter? Stone is nothing compared to what remains of us but it’s still there but we would do well to remember Luna our lives, all we are in this place is Not Set in Stone.