Tag: Wait

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

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Last week I talked about time, and now it’s moving at a snail’s pace, when something you’ve grown to love or even someone makes it clear for one reason or another that, well I don’t know, I feel like I’m on the verge of losing. Will Wait For You

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to wait, other than I needed to read “The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them” by W. Anton, don’t laugh you’re here now right, and I still consider it my Bible and fourth favorite book. I didn’t wait when the moment finally came to talk to you; I do wonder how many years it took, the breaths, the steps, heartbeats and of course the fear, stupidity for courage, I call it insanity, a whole twenty seconds worth, then:

Finally, females tend to give males advice that only works for females, such as telling them to take their time, let love come to them, that they will meet someone when they least expect it, and it will “just happen.” But the only reason those things work for females is that they rely on males taking action.” ― W. Anton

Even after all this time I’m not sure which scares me more the moment or the wait, glass half full or half empty, I’m more the type there’s something to drink, I wait for you like Schrödinger’s cat sitter. It could be like telling the boss man I’ll think about something and then getting put on the schedule anyway and sometimes it works out, mostly it doesn’t, but I don’t know how to quit you and I never would. It’s not sleeping, and so I clean, I watch YouTube, I write, my Weapon Of Choice for a long night, choose one, not all isn’t that right, then again I multitask.

Sometimes I wait for you as though my little boy has another tick in his ear or he hurt his paw, and I listen to him cry out or look at me when the vet says he stepped on a pinecone wrong. Maybe it’s like when my brakes cut out, and I backed into a tree, and somehow I still got to work, left and made it to the auto shop with six hundred dollars, and the repairs were four hundred. It’s the time between thinking I’m stupid or Pinterest is and forty-eight hours of waiting to lose everything, to know humiliation, the fear of neither taking action or wondering what I’ve done wrong now.

I approached, pursued, won, and now I must improvise, adapt, overcome which takes, thinking and waiting, for what; I love you, I believe in you, and still this life that I lead, what we share together, I feel at any time can be, I don’t know. In the end, though you’re here, everything a man like me could ever want and I Believe love is the answer. If I have learned anything in life, there’s such a thing as love at first sight but even now my love I suppose I Will Wait For You.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

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What are you waiting for, Ellie Goulding doesn’t have to wait for anything but I am waiting for the worst possible outcome at every single given opportunity. Waiting to See It, Pennywise doesn’t scare me so much as my wasted life.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but wait for it, doesn’t it always return; maybe I will feel better when the days of “Sapphire” have ended but again I’m waiting. I wonder when was the last time I waited for something besides the ending of a mental health crisis to come to a conclusion, and I suppose Amazon leaves something to look forward to a bit.

I’ve been thinking about when doom became the end of it, always waiting for the end to arrive which seems constant, a ticket I couldn’t pay, for sleeping pills to take effect, losing my job, not like those kids in Stephen King’s “It” but yeah everything seems to be life or death. What about disappointment, I guess my nap truly didn’t do anything for me this afternoon, just another sign of the times. Even getting off work, I tell myself that things are going to get better, I’ll be more productive and it’s more a case of, I’ll do better next time every single day.

What happened to those days when I couldn’t sleep, not because I was afraid but because I was excited, these days I either work until I can’t think anymore or I fall asleep in seconds, talk to “Indiana Gone” about my texting, in less than three minutes I can be gone for the night. I do remember a Christmas Eve, here or there where my sister and I couldn’t sleep and we would wake up in the dark going to get our presents and then it grew later and later, now it doesn’t matter, wake up, walk Braxton, another day, Recently I’ve been thinking about this new place Luna, my empire and having to fund it, to be seen and heard but wouldn’t that just bring back all the fear?

It wasn’t so bad now was it, giving up the poem a day in exchange for the rules and if we didn’t have our conversations who would even know or care, I would actually be surprised if one person knew I was missing from our old stomping grounds. The thing is this place should have already been unveiled, grand opening but no, I’m still waiting and I can’t afford that, even if this is the month of Sapphire it’s wasted.

So what have I learned today, maybe there truly is a reason I’m sitting here, just Waiting to See It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 079 ~Be The Tenth Man~

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What kind of man would I be, if I had a choice, would I be the man that gets girls, would I be a gentleman, I’ve never wanted to be Superman and I want Batman’s cash and you’ve heard, don’t try to be a great man, just be a man? Be The Tenth Man.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Lesson 079 ~Be The Tenth Man~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, well not until the first man and I wonder what was he afraid of… God, if the Bible was a fact though I believe there was something else, how could he even define it as fear? When I would attend church there was a song that says something about God not giving us the spirit of fear, so if not it, wherever did it come from, the Devil and who created Lucifer, that too much?

I think I’m getting off topic as I tend to do but I was thinking about my rule “You Are Not a Caveman” Lesson 51 ~Not Easy to Be~ although I don’t know how I’m ever going to remember that, sad I have to look up my own rules. I still plan on making 365 of them and then condensing them down but here’s something else since I didn’t write any poetry yesterday *sigh*. I’m sure I’ve asked this before but what was the first rule, while we’re on the subject of the first fear.

Take for example “World War Z” 2013, I have yet to read the book and on that note, I hate being one of those people admitting I’ve seen the movie but never read the book. My point is in the movie, the man who became the tenth man had to accept fear and prepare to combat it, ignoring it would gain nothing but the end. Fear my dear Lady Lu is all about the wait, it’s sort of the difference between the more traditional slow zombies and the speedy zombies.

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” proverb

While I will keep my rule of “I Will Have No Fear” can I not also embrace the wait, am I afraid if I’m prepared, of course not, because when was is afraid, one cannot think and if anything I think a lot, don’t worry but instead think. The Tenth Man was not told to fear the impossible but instead to prepare for it and that my friend is power.

“Even without the events of 40 years ago, I think man would still be a creature that fears the dark. He doesn’t face that fear, he averts his eyes from it and acts as if he doesn’t have any memories of his past. But, 40 years is both a short time and yet, a long time. Man’s fear has withered. And even time itself tries to wither the desire to know the truth. Is it a crime to try and learn the truth? Is it a sin to search for those things which you fear. My purpose in this world is knowledge and the dissemination of it. And it is I who is to restore the fruits of my labor to the entire world. Fear… It is something vital to us puny creatures. The instant man stops fearing is the instant the species reaches a dead end, only to sink to pitiable lows, only to sit and wait apathetically for extinction. Humans who lose the ability to think become creatures whose existence has no value. Wake up! Don’t be afraid of knowledge! Think, you humans who are split into two worlds, unless you want the gulf between humans to expand into oblivion, you must think! Signed, Schwarzwald.” The Big O

I cannot be the Tin Man, I’m far too late to be the first man, and I suppose it’s not easy to be Superman, if anything I just want to be a man and is that the lesson, if I may surpass the caveman but I not yet ready, so can I will I choose to Be The Tenth Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 015 ~Hurry Up and Wait~

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Because I got things to do, things I don’t want to, things to pass time, things to confess but what am I waiting for huh. Hurry Up and Wait… I might be getting better with these confessions but maybe I should wait before I open my mouth yet again hmm

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Lesson 015 ~Hurry Up and Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
I’m not a military guy at least not anymore (brief stint in the Navy) or in any other type of aspect, in reality, figured I’d let you know since apparently, this is where this idiom comes from. Yeah I know that was a mouthful, especially today but anyway with today’s lesson hurry up and wait is the story of my life maybe.

I can tell you everything about hurrying, I read something once to the tune of do you ever think your mere existence gets in everyone else’s way? Not going to lie to you Lady Lu, that’s part of the reason I move so fast or I try to, this lady told me about that once at work, that I was constantly zipping around and why is that? Anxiety my old foe but actually it goes further than that, the fact that I shouldn’t even be here anymore, we know why.

I’m so busy trying to learn how to live, how to be an adult, that I’m not actually doing so; I told you I get stuck on occasion, like at work but I can’t even remember the bad memory that held me up. Do you know what that’s like to always be playing catch up and then there are people telling you to keep up, while all the time you have to stay focused on your future? It’s all good practice to outrun the Grim Reaper, the one thing I wish would catch me but I’ve been running my whole life I can’t stop really.

I’m in a hurry to get nowhere, what’s that old song, “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”, so is that it Luna, am I lost, and I’m scared of what I will find there, or do I not belong there at all? That was pretty true of the military, I didn’t want to be where I was but what was I thinking about by joining in the first place, if anything getting unstuck.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” – Wooderson from the movie, Dazed and Confused

Isn’t that just such a man thing to say but isn’t that how boys become men, hell back in high school there was this kid younger than me, we were “friends” any way he knocked some girl up and there’s his life, his manhood. Warning you right now My Lady, I’m going to have to curb “Ned Flanders” for a minute; so when I was still with my parents I thought about hiring an escort.

I wanted to grow up, and how in the hell was I ever going to get a girl normally; to this day can I tell you if sex makes you an adult… well, I’ve done plenty of things for girls I figured I’d be with, bought stuff, cleaned the whole house, presented myself to be a gentleman to an extent but I do the same thing for girls I’m not with as well. So you rush around doing, then when nothing happens, you ask yourself what are you waiting for.

“What are you waiting for?
Love me like you do, la-la-love me like you do (like you do)” Ellie Goulding

My mother would always tell me I would find my way, strangely enough our serious chats were always on the verge of another suicide attempt, this was the second one when I swallowed a damn box of sleeping pills; that was loopy night but yeah I had cheap pills and I survived, talk about being lost and another loss. Was I scared, Luna every time I’ve tried I’ve been scared, painkillers, more sleeping pills, researching ways I could just go to sleep… yeah as far as pain goes I’m a sadist, not a masochist and I don’t like to make a mess. This goes right back into the, I don’t belong here a section to come round; I’m always taking up space and all I can think about is clearing that space for everyone concerned.

“I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying.” – The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

This is me at work, I’m not there to make friends, I’m not there because I like it, I have a place and a purpose, sad as it is and I don’t like making people wait so I hurry up, I come back to the house because Braxton is waiting so I hurry up, and then I wait for something to happen. Isn’t that what we are Luna, all my writing and waiting for nothing at all but I just hate being late if anything.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

When it comes to even the pleasures of life… “HORMEL TACO MEATS Beef Crumbles”, the original “Saints Row”, a pretty girl here or there, I’m either hurrying and screwing everything up or I’m waiting and missing things. So is that the answer Luna, to just slow down and enjoy things as they come, try to make good memories and such.

Not with anxiety, a friend of mine asked about my “Blackjack Scale” but I present another theory, “The Five Minute Rule”, in my life I boil everything down to five minutes, survive those five minutes and the next, or in five minutes the world will end and you don’t have to worry anymore. One of the reasons I’m at work I set my stopwatch, I can’t bear to look at the time, but survive five minutes, then wouldn’t you know it I survived an hour and so on. The last place you ever want to slow down is Hell because for some inane reason I think things will get easier?

“then basically I’m just gonna walk the earth.

What do you mean, walk the earth”?

You know like Cain in ‘Kung Fu’, walking place to place, meet people and get in adventures.

And how long do you intend to walk the earth?

Until God puts me where he wants me to be.

And what if he don’t do that?

If it takes forever, then I’ll walk forever.” Pulp Fiction (1994)

You know how I feel religious wise but yeah I do think there is something, no man escapes death so many times without having some sort of purpose you know what I mean. Maybe I’m out running that too or maybe I passed it, doesn’t it suck that you can spend your life focused on five minutes, an hour, a day, yes still thinking about “the incident” but anyway you stay on that and you’re just waiting to forget. The curse strikes again because I can’t forget, this is lesson 015 but we know I have hundreds of more skeevy lessons I could still share.

For now, though I’m in a hurry to finish this, in five minutes I’ll be done, another five I’ll be looking at poetry, and another, setting up to post etc. Chances are good Luna, me and someone may have either passed each other by now or we’re waiting for the other to you know what right Hurry Up and Wait”