Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

Hey Lu,

This isn’t free you know, binding you to me, as I’m bound by emotions, chief among them being anger but didn’t I say that anger would not be tolerated? What else is there, right the stuff we’re not allowed to talk about because there is no freedom here I know.

Can’t stress this enough my Lady Lu but this is all my fault because I was practicing the freedom of speech and in so doing I trampled on another person’s freedom. That person then used the same rights in their freedom and here I find myself bound and why is that… because she and everyone else is right. If anything I can tell you the truth quite simply in a song that I heard once and that’s “Freedom Ain’t Free”

You know what the difference is between a patriot, a traitor, hell even a terrorist… the winning side but there is something that, excuse me, trumps all that and that is power. That’s been the problem for most of my life, power or more so the lack thereof but really what power does some woman have over me I ask you. The answer is I’m still here talking to you, that after years of zero contact I turn to you, even today of all days when all I really want to do is rest now.

One more freedom I have been denied and I do mean that in a scary way, we talked about one of the reasons it’s good that Braxton is always around. So let’s go with why I wasn’t using my freedom responsibly and that in itself could go on forever, starting with the simple fact that I’m not free for real.

Now Lu I’m not planning on making some big social commentary on race or the state of this country, just one more thing we’re not allowed to talk about. I’m angry about that, you are damn right I’m angry but for a few hours at work today that anger wasn’t at myself, we both know who I was angry at.

Which leads me back to power, would I give my freedom away for power, to be slave to the almighty dollar, not like I’m not already, to be beholden to the people, if I could turn those people my way sure, what about to be addicted to my baser urges, does revenge count? Power is the end all be all I think but you only want more and more, and don’t we mistake that for the freedom that we all seek. Star Wars both Jedi and Sith have no freedom but then the question becomes what exactly is this thing people would dare call freedom.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
― from Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (1943) Goodreads.com

So what have I been asking for, forgiveness, I’m not even sure I want or deserve it and to be honest with myself and my crime I did have ulterior motives. I don’t expect to gain any of it but I’m here because isn’t there always hope, maybe the hope that I will forgive myself or of something I don’t even have a name for. I also can’t believe how much I depend on other people’s good opinion about me, I don’t want to really meet these people but I want to believe that they think some sort of good for me and maybe that’s what hurts me the most.

A free man would walk away, a free man wouldn’t be bothered, a free man would do as he wanted even if that meant betrayal. Today of all days isn’t that what the founding fathers taught, I was once a history buff but they betrayed, it was downright treacherous and isn’t that what they call the ninth circle of Hell.

I gave into the second circle and because of this where do I find myself now the fifth circle which is Wrath but no not like that. If anything that’s what I wanted today, the freedom to be mad, a part of me has been thinking about expanding all this, to think I was on death’s door just yesterday right.

Didn’t Facebook get started because of somebody’s wayward heart or so were the rumors and I think Zuckerberg has freedom. Ayn Rand’s vision of freedom I don’t think will ever exist and in truth what would I do if I had freedom, the most freedom I could imagine this moment again is going to sleep and not worrying about anything. Now power is a dream that can come true and that’s me being hopeful because again power is all that really matters and if you want my two cents on love at the moment the power of love pales in comparison in the freedom not to do so I think.

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Benjamin Franklin

This is what I’m doing right now Lady Lu, trading in my freedom, for what, people’s approval, a chance at something better, and of course my own fear. I could just want some moment of sanity and I’m sorry to say I would give up my freedom for that, you remember that show Solitary, in captivity those people might have actually grasped freedom. Again I’ll tell you, give me the power to do all that I may desire, to be angry, to be spiteful, revengeful, to do everything and all and I would gladly surrender whatever freedom I might have.

I don’t want to Freedom Responsibly because I can’t, I know enough not to break any laws, you can relax but for now, let’s just settle on being angry. That’s power, that’s why I’m here Luna to one day have that and to never need to worry about Freedom Responsibly.