Monday, July 24, 2017

Lesson 023 ~To Do with Hate~

Hey Lady Lu,
I didn’t hate them you know, I haven’t been “attacked” by fire ants in years but I don’t hate them, not in the way I choose to hate. If there is something I particularly loathe and remind me to write a book about the subject, anyway one thing I loathe is a thoughtless, undisciplined, uncivilized, unreasonable killer.

“Are we living in a land
Where sex and horror are the new Gods?” Two Tribes, Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Yeah, you got to give me something Luna and since Lust seems to be off limits… anyway I took out four anthills today, in minutes, I caused an apocalypse and I was wondering why. As I said I didn’t hate them but it was done, wrong place wrong time maybe, and the only shame I feel is how those little ant hills made me look to people I couldn’t care less about, people I never speak to. A kid burns ants with a magnifying glass and people think somethings wrong, a “man” sprinkles poison and its consider being an adult.

I have faded memories of someone who kept these jars full of ants, I remember I might have wanted an ant farm at some point, I even use to catch Sowbugs or Rolly Pollies we called them. I never kept the sowbugs though, I actually had the idea of putting them in ant hills like some sort of commando movie, I was into Delta Force I suppose and the poor things would be killed. Whatever in the world am I getting at… I’d say genocide but we’re not talking about people, not yet at least.

Probably more to the point is the lesson, what we do with hate, opposed to what we do with love and if you’re asking me with how I feel at this particular moment, hate is easier. Then again my lady the reason I started talking to you more was out of forgiveness that I would never receive and a hatred for myself that I just could not bear that night.

Maybe I’m already talking my way into being more loving, I know I need to considering Braxton and I have been at odds as of late, he’s driving me crazy or I’m driving myself crazy. I’m sure we have talked about fear before; hell I’m terrified of Ms. Seasons, but let me tell you about women, seeing as you’re like my favorite one, maybe, possibly.

With women, I think love and hate are damn near identical and they shouldn’t be, love is exhausting and hate, no it should only be a matter of indifference, as far as Ms. Seasons goes that’s what I want, indifference but I haven’t read her latest so… I told you before I was one for chivalry, courtly love, being a gentleman, exhausting myself to what end; I’m still editing a book trying to make money so that it won’t matter what I look like. Flowery words, candy, presents, I feel sort of like Anakin Skywalker saying I see through the lies of the Jedi, I doubt I would be all Romeo ever again, hope not.

Now I don’t hate women, most women mind you but being a Dom is about control, it’s about bringing out parts of yourself that are not acceptable to the every day and what lies within me is a monster. I hate that monster and I know everybody keeps saying you have to be alright with yourself before you can be with anyone but tell me what is the alternative, for all the hate I feel love as well and if another person cannot or will not feel the same… I don’t want to hate, I really don’t want to hate but people make it so damn easy and then they run away or they knock me down; if anything I think we might be seeing a nice path to bondage.

What we can control, what we can keep might end up destroying us but we want to keep these things safe, is not God the same way? When it threatens us when we can’t control it when it is something we can’t understand or we just don’t want to what is our next action surely?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” – Master Yoda, Star Wars Series

We destroy and if we get into who’s to blame for this trend, again that’s another book idea but I don’t have the wisdom to write it of course. Am I still writing you because I still hate Ms. Seasons so much, because I hate myself, truthfully this isn’t loving?

Will there ever be enough love Lady Lu, think of how easy it is to kill and the work it would take to stop it and it never completely stops does it and to think I was only killing ants? As I said people make it easy and think that the greatest minds in the world created such devices to do so with the push of a button or the pull of a trigger, easy.

Maybe the question is, why is it so hard to love, I’ve fallen in love easily and let’s just say the aftermath… when you’re picking up the pieces of yourself you have plenty of time to think. I didn’t love this girl or that girl but my biology and reasoning, want to make this so; maybe the whole damn world wants this but our only weapons aren’t those sitting in some silo, tube, or vial anymore. Yes, silo and tube just made me chuckle but these words Luna the methods we use to hurt one another and how easily we all become monsters and killers.

If you have to kill, if you want to, all I ask is an honest to God reason for it to be done, it’s why I loathe bullies, why I’m angry at Ms. Seasons, why I hate my father, if you wish to destroy do it with reason and intent, the dead should stay down. This course of action should be reserved and well thought out, and if I was a king I would say yes do it in front of the court but no jester wants his life to be the joke. A true killer should be haunted, it shouldn’t stop them but they should know those faces, and strangely enough, people are remembered more in death than ever in life, the honest truth.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’” If I Die Young (2010)

I didn’t hate them Lady Lu, but I hate some and at the top of that list, for now, will be me and if only I was as efficient as I am with ants and fleas, how I wish I was with Ticks. Is being a pest enough to hate, only if you’re douche who doesn’t like animals or if you’re human for there is much To Do with Hate.

“Here’s much to do with hate but more with love” – “Romeo & Juliet”, William Shakespeare