Episode 241 ~Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies~

I’ll never be a hero; in less of a week I have seen that I am everything else and today I felt l would be on cloud nine instead of the ninth circle of Hell, Treacherous I am not, but Lust isn’t sitting well. Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Episode 241 ~Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, get a psychology degree and find someone like me. For damn sure I need a psychiatrist more than porn. That PS4 I was sitting in the parking lot thinking about earlier or a bit of Plutonium.

I don’t need bombs, my life feels like a wasteland, hell this country, North Korea, Russia, I couldn’t care less. No Inspector Echo I want Superpowers, and the first would have to be Time Travel. Never turns out well for anyone and once you start, where would it end, starting from today. I offended a woman… notice what I’m not calling her right? Before her, there was “Butterfly” Friday, before her someone I can’t discuss. What about “Cookie” or “Cherry,” “Okay,” breaking my mother’s heart.

Go ahead stupid nigga
Go fuck with them chicks
I’m the third little piggy
Imma fuck with them bricks –-
The Roc (Just Fire) – Cam’Ron

My mom is a Christian, and I have credited her with raising a “gentleman, “now that’s a laugh. Mother is God in the eyes of a child and my mother much like Achilles’s mother must have dipped me in the River Styx. I have survived much but my heart. Brains scrambled sure enough and again since Friday, and earlier today. It was like “Butterfly” ripped my dick off (LANGUAGE). Isn’t that right because it grew back only for a lioness to tear it off, ouch.

Let’s get back to the heart; my “penis” it’s like it’s being eaten and regrown overnight still my heart. I swear it’s worse than being consumed, no the eagle is tearing it apart and then pushing it around my rib cage. Now at this point, I don’t want to even talk to “Indiana Gone,” “Okay” or “Cherry” I’m not Ma-Ti with the power of HEART sigh. Inspector Echo, I do have the gift of prophecy. Remember my dream when I was dating that girl, and I knew it was a bad sign, but I couldn’t figure out what, now I know. I turn my back on black women, people that understand my lifestyle. Friends who need help and how am I rewarded, the women I desire, the things I want, gone, lost, just wow Inspector.

Even now I’m sick, and that would be an awesome superpower, Inception. If I could forget everything and have a brand new idea. If it’s not mine who would I be, what do I imagine more? I’m a beast, I’m something ugly, foul, about to lose more and why? Once I thought I was creative, maybe naughty, skeevy, kind, a pimp and now. Just crazy but who is the Joker, how dare I, who is Marquis de Joker without, Harley Quinn or Dolly “Sick Fux?”

Doesn’t that make me the villain, that’s what they say about men who want X-Ray Vision. About those who turn invisible, about those that morph into others. Only for now I want to be Clark Kent, Peter Parker, Virgil Hawkins. To not have to be brave but then again look here Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 237 ~Pen Hand Strong Will~

I began in the midnight hour, and I’m only now rising, I was busy keeping my guts down, and if I had done so earlier well, I wouldn’t feel this way; “Looked Who Grossed Up” and that wasn’t even the worst night but now? Pen Hand Strong Will.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Episode 237 ~Pen Hand Strong Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, at the moment, even if I had it, I would spend it all to make this feeling go away. Do you know why I always ask the question? Because my first impression, insinuation, and involvement is still the way wrong answer.

It doesn’t explain why I am talking to you so late tonight or early this morning. Other than the fact that I feel like I might vomit and like I said yesterday. That proves one has guts but who wants to see that. We’re not doctors, Walkers, and even knights wore armor. If that’s what thing I learned tonight, I’m no prince on a white horse. Lady Luna I’ve come to the understanding that I’m one of two things and neither would allow me to sleep. Option A being, I’m a monster, I scare people, I’ve said it myself time and time again. Option B I’m nothing, I’m no one, and that’s why there is no need to wish, whisper, or write because who sees. Well, she did and convicted me, she did and called me out, she did and canceled, she did cause I’m nothing.

It hasn’t tasted the same you know, an ICEE, I still drink them, but on one day I nearly killed a dog. He slammed into my car door, but the taste I miss from my drink. The same with IBC Root Beer when my “father” slapped me, and they say alcohol numbs the pain. What about sleep, I haven’t gotten to rest a night without blogging first, and you know what caused that. Lesson 001 Looked Who Grossed Up and here we are again Lady Luna. Now I’ll never be able to look at Pokemon. Think about that Crazy Town song Butterfly. Listen to Michael Jackson’s Butterflies without thinking of what happened tonight. I’m sure you’re asking what the hell, so I guess I’m ready.

I asked a woman out once; she said nothing. I asked her out again this month; she said nothing. She showed butterflies around her and her daughter I posted “Butterfree” on Instagram. I quoted Crazy Town Lyrics to Butterfly, and here we are. Blocked, no bye, and with the belief, I’m the worse creature to roam the planet Earth. No, a cretin, worthless and cowering afraid of losing everything. Now I want to erase it all because it’s easier to destroy myself than watch others leave me once again, been there. Why do you think I’m always on the brink, forever seeing the end but no I repeat the mistakes of the past. My how a year and a half passed August 6, 2017, and now February 22, 2019, in the same horrific situation. Damn Pen Hand Strong Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 234 ~Up, Up, Up, Will~

I wish I could stay up on one subject, in particular, if I’m going to be awake then honestly I should stay that way but why is the climb down from my bed harder than rising anywhere else? Up, Up, Up, Will

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Episode 234 ~Up, Up, Up, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, join a church, cult, or a coven; you see even that turns me on. When I was young, I also wrote a poem called “Sunday School Girls.” Some months back I read The Cloister Trilogy by Celia Aaron and as far as covens, sigh European Modeling.

Surprising, that’s not what made me blow my wad or several, and you’ll have to forgive me Inspector Echo. It’s only 5:30 in the morning, so I’ll probably be a lot more “candid” attempting to stay awake and keep it in my pants. My first three sins, being honest, hung, and keeping my head up, both little and big. So I guess you already know I won’t be accomplishing my six impossible things, again this week. What week was it that I had my positive streak? The fact that I haven’t whipped somebody’s ass “heh” this week is good enough.

I can’t even look at them, that’s my fourth sin, at the day job there is nothing but rage and people telling me to keep my head up. Truthfully Inspector Echo, I don’t need any more people to make me so angry but whose fault is that? Yes, there is fear as well, I do not deny it; how I “try” to keep my eyes up. I don’t know if it’s the monster in my brain, my mouth, or I’m making a grave with my gaze drilling a hole in the floor. I could talk about feeling as though the world is on my shoulders. These hands as though every finger has a weight attached, or how fat my pockets are getting; that’s a laugh.

My friend “Cherry” has nice lips, it’s one of her best features. Still, she also once teased with her cleavage, “boobies” or would you prefer “tits?” I’m wondering if that’s a language violation? To me the word breast is dull, and I’ve seen Indiana Gone, Okay, the MILF, Court, and how many did I pay peeking? Like something out of Detroit: Become Human, does that count as a fifth sin? I mean models get paid. I still have a wardrobe for a submissive, sex toys. Not to mention still paying off something as Mr. Dink would put it “very expensive.” So want to know how to generate a million dollars, find a way to make other guys pay. Only for this morning, the idea is forgiveness. For liking what I like sigh, breaking No FAP, making life HARD. Keeping my eyes to the ground, and being a few steps down from a “John.” Take a look at my character fodder for The Logos Girls novel.

Forgive me Inspector Echo, but I don’t think God or anyone in the world is suggesting Up, Up, Up, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 227 ~B III Will Shatter~

Again another butchery but I am going to see a horror movie, and the only thing I ever baked was a cookie, and my little boy can’t have that; Happy Birthday B III, finally got your birthday picture. “B III Will Shatter.”

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Episode 227 ~B III Will Shatter~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars; well women and children first, and I do mean saving lives. Because despite my reading and let’s save fascination with the female form I am not so corrupt or forgetful. So Happy Birthday to my son, my little boy B III.

With that noted, I’ve been fucking up (language please) but ask the man in the mirror. I brought up reading, and something that truly terrifies me. These people that leave their babies in the car and now have to know to put something “important” in the backseat. I confessed to “Indiana Gone,” I thought I left B III outside once. Of course, he was safe and sound inside but the fact I’m rushing into the backyard yelling for him. He’s my child, I love him more than pancakes, and there hasn’t been a moment he needed something I haven’t provided. Today though, I went to take our birthday picture, and my phone was screwy, and what the holy hell is wrong with me. I was ready to drive anywhere to repair it today. I bought a new case; I nearly had a heart attack taking off the former screen protectors.

Which leads me to sin number two, I wouldn’t have noticed. I take care of Triple B, I have dropped my phone, once in years, and we’ll get to women. What about me; I swear between being late for work, my teeth, and everything else I was on edge. This morning it felt like everything was tearing at the seams. I went through my whole motivational playlist trying to keep going. Asleep on my feet and if I was awake it was because I was mad as Hell. Now my mind’s brokenness isn’t anything new but watching my body fall apart, and I don’t care at all. Why, because I’m worried about my damn phone? Wanting a PS4, of course, B III earned fries, the movie I have yet to see, Happy Death Day 2U.

So now we have women that I continue to make the same mistakes perpetually. Yesterday I had hoped but whatever, and then, of course, there’s the restarting of my writing — fact vs. fiction and how it makes me feel. For example, “Lolita” was the most boring thing ever and I owe yet another review. My heart broke for Whitney Wright “Prom Night.” I read this “statement” from “Courtwithconfidence.” It’s sickening what she experienced but here’s the sin. A novel, a porno, a real-life horror story… I was hot and bothered. So that’s why I ask forgiveness today; I don’t care to save myself, that was my thought at the day job. I study people, but the thing about my son, he’s strong. I’m looking for a girl I suppose who has such innocence and yet such a fire inside her. Only here I am falling apart over a phone camera. If somehow I treated myself, everyone, and life to the concept B III Will Shatter.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 220 ~Gutless, Guiltless, Girl-Less, Will~

Rule Fifteen, “I Take My Own Lumps,” if I do something wrong, I take responsibility, according to my motivations you must with every area life, even when other people are stupid, but like Spectrum it still sucks. “Gutless, Guiltless, Girl-Less, Will”

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Episode 220 ~Gutless, Guiltless, Girl-Less, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, you know that I could “SUE” somebody… one of my coworkers, though to be fair he did mean well, I could sue the day job in general, and how about the “catalyst” for my writing; today isn’t so much my sins, so we call these things…

Ignorance, that’s why they don’t let me answer the door at the day job anymore, too afraid I’ll Let the Right One In, excuse me, I am a Real American, Let Me In, plus I’ve always had a thing for Chloë Grace Moretz, along with European witches, and Ellie from TLOU. And speaking of people that wouldn’t, shouldn’t, and that I couldn’t drag through my door because I’m innocent, I open my door to every Tom, Dick, And Harry, and I talk too damn much because nobody asks me anything honestly about myself unless they want to use me. Man, Monster, no I’m a moron, but I’ve seen what stupid people can do, they can become President, penis meet pornstar, they can be “freaking” Phenomenal.

I, however, am guiltless, now I’m not a saint, but I am selective of my sins, and as I said, today I didn’t do anything wrong or more like yesterday when I got called into the back and accused of missing six days of work, an excuse to get rid of me, and I ask you why Inspector. Am I that much of a danger to anyone… I mentioned the “catalyst,” and things I wasn’t guilty of but called anyway and the lesson, not all things are meant to know writing or reading and sometimes people will only offer you silence. My son B III was right, wanting to scare away anyone at the door because if he had succeeded, I wouldn’t be so paranoid but why is it so wrong to want to better my situation, have I ever mentioned how much Spectrum sucks.

Instead of, well you see I’m the nice guy, most girls never see the dominant, and while hating myself would count as a sin, I absolutely love that guy, commanding, controlling, capturing, like Shusaku, Isaku, the corporation in “StudioFow” movies, customers in Vault Girls; what if the government is correct, porno along with colluding isn’t a crime. Add that to the long list as to why I don’t break hearts, maybe I take things like this too seriously giving a part of yourself to someone and thinking they keep it and not throw it away. Most if not all of these things aren’t crimes though and yet the need to apologize only continues to grow, but not to my job or anyone here but to that innocent bystander in the mirror, Gutless, Guiltless, Girl-Less, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 213 ~Fanging Innocence, Not Will~

Does the wolf ever smile, does Jason, I would be ever so much worse if I were Freddy, but I tend not to loiter on Elm Street, but a man will dream, and since I’m not grinding my teeth, this isn’t Hell but as for Heaven. “Fanging Innocence, Not Will.”

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Episode 213 ~Fanging Innocence, Not Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, it’s not by grinding my teeth in the middle of the night (more like after work), eating fast food all the time, or growling at the whole world though indifference is worse and why fear monsters, when there are always people.

My first sin is wanting to be like other people, well no I have my preferences… being the lone wolf, giving in to primal urges, and should I even mention the “Harmonic War” that’s something I haven’t thought of in a long time. Jacob Black went rogue, chased a girl that didn’t “want” him” and dare I speak “waiting” for Renesmee… probably less of a sin than wanting his body; not like that, hell I see plenty of that in erotica, and I’m not gay or skeevy, thank “The Hostage” I do mean the novel.

Let my second sin, please be that I couldn’t control my temper, punched a wall, a locker, and kicked a chair, you know, when I think I’m getting over my “aversion” for other black people, leave it to my general manager or a “stone” girl to bring back my rage. No blood from stones THEY say but is the innocent any better… Chloë Grace Moretz; beautiful, beastly, biting, might explain my mouth now, you think?

So is a third sin not thinking before I speak, zombies aren’t supposed to talk, no we only feed on the living, and for some that means brains, and even now I look at myself as being too good for that, still not writing my review of Depredation By Natalie Bennett. Now the body one more reason I want an apocalypse, a purge, a plethora of DVDs from The Innocence Of Youth collection, or the Vault Girls, little words and I have such a big mouth apparently, and my will…

No, that’s huge, my fourth sin is my pride, I think of how my grandmother would say I was full of it, and how whenever I got into trouble I expected to get away with it because I was small, silly, something no one could be bothered with, no wonder I looked for the big crimes. What is it about such a need for attention that people willingly destroy themselves or go looking for reasons to annihilate beauty, brains, and bucks, it’s almost as if we’re under a witch’s spell, so am I afraid now?

Always and never because people create monsters, werewolves, vampires, zombie’s and witches to hide their true selves but of course it’s people who are the best monsters and what am I Inspector Echo, only a man asking for forgiveness, but my “fangs” say it all; no Fanging Innocence, Not Will

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 018 ~Do You Lust Me~

I always feel like, somebody’s watching me as the song goes and I wonder what they’re doing because I doubt it’s anything sexy and even if they loved me, would they admit to something like this? Do You Lust me?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Episode 018 ~Do You Lust Me~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason to be a sex symbol other than the entire world going blind; how I’ve found myself in the mirror plenty for a couple of days and Saturday all I can see is fear, and it’s cuter than me, dammit. When I was a teenager there was this girl that sat with me at lunch, we rarely talked, and I can’t say I was attracted to her in the slightest, but my ‘father” asks how did I know how she sees me and yeah I don’t know honestly.

I’ve known maybe one girl in two years possibly who openly told me that she wanted to fuck me and you want to know how does it feel for me to hear that, honestly they should bottle such an emotion. On the other hand, I honestly need to know when to shut the fuck up, playing games with another girl, and I got her and her giggly friend to look me up on Facebook, and that’s all she wrote there. Let’s call her Zibby to my Jesse, the same girl that got me going but no I haven’t told her off yet Dirty Diana, that’s one fear I haven’t had to face as of yet, and the thing is what if I’m still 100% clueless?

Lost Without U, I’ve said some stupid things to girls to be quite honest, and we still remember the bitch who I haven’t looked up at all this year; I’ve never tracked people down, or hidden in dumpsters. Okay this is more of a conversation for Inspector Echo, and I’ve probably already had it, and with you too, the desire to have some girl go all “Taylor Townsend” on my ass, You Don’t Know My Name, I’d even take Amber from “Kill Theory.” A dominant I am but to have the girl chase the monster and then when she finally finds me, we’ll see how badly she wants to play, but that Dirty Diana is a dream, however with my book… who knows, could happen.

One woman looked me up on Whisper and as soon as she saw my face; it’s hard to have body issues when people never get past the mask, and yeah women have some problems with men but if some woman came after me? Not in a psychotic, I want to kill you sort of way, more like U Got It Bad, how North looks at Markus (thank you Detroit: Become Human) way *sigh* asking the obvious, Do You Lust Me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Another lesson on fear where I should find the courage to live and I may have done so when I was but a child but with age has come a plethora of bad experiences and I’ve been down this road before. You Must Always Live Brave.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Thirty-First Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, did you love me before and now you’re so afraid of losing me that anyone else can be sacrificed only to keep me safe, but how shall I ever learn to become brave? How do I even define brave, you know what would have been brave today, talking to a pretty brunette, looking a man in the eye, hell maybe speaking a little bit louder, I swear these words.

As I said before courage is merely the acceptance of fear and doing what you wish, fear is a virus and courage found and practiced daily, but some days I guess I don’t and when you miss a day… That’s why I’m always telling myself to get out, to do things that make me afraid so I must be brave yet how foolish is that to seek out fear, “Remember What Fear Taste Like.” Is it not courageous though to face down the monster that I’m always called, to learn from experience and know I am a better man because when has such ideology ever helped me in the end?

Women *sigh* at the end of the day, however, I justify them I can still call it fear, but not when I find myself in pieces, and then that’s not fear at all, that’s actual danger. Nevertheless, that must be faced down. No, I take that back, you must face it head-on but what happens after that Madam Justice, fear not being equal to danger, but I get fired, I get in a fight, people think this or that of me? What about at this particular moment, what would a brave man do, what would an intelligent man do, see that’s the thing I can’t be either because for me the rule is more often you must always survive afraid.

I want to live Madam Justice honest I do, and it’s always once I have power, once I have nothing to lose, which of course is impossible, and in this situation, I stand to lose everything. It won’t be the first rule I’ve broken, and it won’t be the last… am I saying I’m giving up; Madam Justice tell me how, is it not brave to be myself even if that man is a sniveling coward, at least I survive?

One day though, I promise you, if I ever touch life, I won’t let it go and then my friend You Must Always Live Brave.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

I can’t describe it, and I could be just like everybody trembling, sweating, wanting to shut my eyes but then how would I ever make it through my day; if you only knew everything that scares me. Remember What Fear Taste Like.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

Thirtieth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but at least I’m not scared… entirely, because fear is a sickness; in the Bible, it says something to the tune of all have sinned but that’s not true, why should I have to pay for the first man that messed up? Fear, on the other hand, children aren’t born with that, this world infects them, and as far as a cure, there is none, no not one, if anything we can only become stronger.

We seek out fear to endure a greater one or maybe that’s just me, so I never forget the need, or the taste, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or what doesn’t kill you had better start running. Nine times out of ten we fear things that could never conceivably hurt us, I could go all political and talk about this country’s fear of black men and why it’s us that should be afraid. I could also tell you about how many people are scared of me, why else would I think of myself as a monster, the “boy” with his head down, keeping to himself, who scares pretty girls with handwritten sentiments, who only needs enough strength to stand today.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige ― After Earth

Fear is a choice Madam Justice, but like hate, there’s too damn much of it always, so what if I had the strength to stop being afraid there would still be those that fear me for being what I am. If I choose to be frightened those same people will wonder why I am terrified, with everything that I could be fearful of, a pretty girl at Walmart shouldn’t be one, a stupid bitch with a blog shouldn’t matter, the terror of losing my job. Why not become my father, who’s so afraid he allowed anger, rage, hate to consume him, Hell itself follows him but then again I usually give into lust, and that makes me even scarier right?

Courage, of course, is not the defeat of fear but merely it’s acceptance, what about power, will; dare I say, love, I’m almost tempted to say fear might be the highest power. I’ll even admit I like the look on a girl’s face in certain situations; fear can keep you awake. Of all the rules that I have this one is probably the easiest to adhere to every day sadly, Remember What Fear Taste Like.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

I’m not tired, to the contrary I’m quite tired, but it’s nothing that sleep can cure… did I just say that; I’ll probably be out all day but then again how is that different from any other day just slipping away? Here Comes The Sun

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but if that’s the case, why can’t I sleep, it’s nearly four in the morning and trust me I slept but I woke up at maybe twelve, and I’ve been up ever since, in more ways than one… Reasons I stay awake and yes being horny is one. Yesterday was a real nail-biter, but I got back in touch with “Cherry,” wrote that song for the dog, talked to Lady Sophia and even worked on my novel some at the behest of “Indiana Gone,” I even went to a movie, “Tomb Raider.”

Hell is that not what my bedroom has become, am I not a vampire, with everything I have survived I must have super strength, I don’t see myself in the mirror, I leave in the dark and rush back to the house, I live off watching people bleed. If I’m not a vampire, I would say, zombie, with my phone I don’t need to have a brain, I eat enough to stay animated, and I’m not too picky, I jump at loud noises and usually have to investigate them. How about Frankenstein’s monster, awake only to do my master’s bidding, whoever that is at the time and if I didn’t have that then what’s next?

Is it my depression, do I need another song idea besides Nina Simone or Usher “Confessions Part II.” Fortunately, that’s Wednesday’s problem, and I’m still looking forward to being employed? Now you can see why I would rather be the monster in this scenario because what was that about not being afraid, again I’ve been up and scared to death about my job before. I wish I could say I’m finishing up everything that I need to do today, yesterday, the day before, reminds me of my math class and just writing the problem over again and again, these days I just make lists that keep getting longer everyday Lu.

You’re not a chore more a habit, and I keep asking myself where the time goes when I’m not looking up porn or sleeping as you can guess, I don’t have much of a life, judging by the things we discuss. So like a real therapist you ask me why I’m not sleeping like someone sane this night, and that is just something else I’m going to have to learn.

What have I learned today, when the day hasn’t even started yet, maybe this is just my standard work time, and that’s sad that I’m getting ready for the inevitable conclusion of getting fired but still Here Comes The Sun.

I Will Have No Fear