Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.”

“[holds up black mask] You hide it, with this.” ― from The Mask of Zorro (2008)

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore as I have said I am a hypocrite again and again, from saying I need to step out to wanting to fall back, from saying I hate the mask to embracing it, to changing why I wear it at all. There are days Lady Lu when I can’t stand my people (Black People), and then there are days I’m quite proud even if I’m in a crowd just wanting to roar truthfully.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Yes, Black Panther is a good movie, good enough I almost called my mother to come out and support it, if it wasn’t for all the drama at the house or maybe not, I don’t care enough to ask. Speaking of my views on women, Lupita Nyong’o/Nakia and Letitia Wright/Shuri, I’m not sure who I liked more; told you I’m equal opportunity when it comes to women… okay, most women. Anyway, the lesson for today is why aren’t I living, and it’s the fact that I’m still trying to find my place, a solid strategy, my life must have if not a purpose, rules, again I’m all anarchist, but I like an order to things.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

In Black Panther, the former king tells T’Challa, a man that hasn’t prepared his children for his death has failed as a father; God knows my father hasn’t, I still have to go to him for everything, and if a catastrophe were to happen, yeah I’m screwed. As far as I know, my father didn’t have his father, and while mine is around I still find myself lost and clueless, barely hanging on and what about my four-legged son? I don’t know what I have to be and I’m so busy trying to appease everyone and keep myself somewhat sane that I fall apart quietly.

I was telling a friend the other day about Black Panther and *spoiler* why is it the white man has to save the day, even in a movie all about black people; it’s cliché as if no one but the white man is capable of such deeds. Not trying to sound political Lady Lu and isn’t this supposed to be about me, I’m not looking to save the world but only me and my son and how do I do that I have to ask.

The mask keeps me employed; if I have to depend on my father, for now… so be it, if it means learning to shut up, or stay clean, then it is what it is which I hate saying. Though you can’t blame me as Killmonger was saying, better to die than live in bondage and while I’m not doing anything stupid, Bad Things, Not Always

I Will Have No Fear