It’s always something small, as the song goes, The Little Things that get to me. Seconds with friends. Thoughts no one seems to notice. The death of my son. Another day out of the year I hate. And the voice in my head that wants “To B Little Myself.”
Sunday, September 5, 2021
Chronicle 066 ~To B Little Myself~
To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money takes away all sense of shame? Hating yourself today? But yesterday, my sweet buttery Jesus.
Again I know I’m not ready for a dog. My dream tells me Hell NO. You can never ever ok. Before lunch, I didn’t wash my hands, sanitize, anything. I don’t fear dogs; it’s people. Good thing your Old Man didn’t hear that. Let me continue. Your teeth are fucked-up. I was about to steal Carolina Bound’s hubby’s drink at lunch because I wasn’t thinking. Of course, I didn’t offer to pay for lunch, and it’s not like I even ate much while with them. What about loading up the to-go box upside down. My ignorance made me puke, almost. It’s the little things that make me whisper the little words in the night. My apologies. That’s why you awoke late and Six Impossible Things:
- I AM Finishing Reading, Tampa by Alissa Nutting
Completed - I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
Partial - I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
Failed - I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 001 No Fap) - I WILL Get Ready For My Thirty-Seventh Emergence Day
Failed - I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
Failed
Carolina Bound would hate the fact of worrying about yesterday that I did nothing, sigh. M Anime could take offense that I used answering her to forget about Carolina Bound. Another “friend” would be disgusted with me. She says that nobody jerks to her ever.
Besides the whole Terminator 3 “I Killed You” aspect, Braxton knows 217 I’m Not Alright. There’s the knowledge that you can count all your friends on only one hand? Revolting hands. Sweating but not because of work. Covered in blood, and you’d settle for that instead of your addiction. None of your friends say a goddamn word. Your enemies… Hell, could they do as much damage as you do to yourself day after day? Yours’s just started. Six Impossible Things:
- I AM Finishing Reading, The Theta Prophecy By Chris Dietzel
- I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
- I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
- I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
- I WILL Survive The Thirty-Seventh Emergence Day
- I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
It seems like only yesterday that you lived through the worst week of your existence. Eeking with the last one was a mess, and would you try it now if this one, you know what. I guess while my shame is still so fresh, you find that a hard thing to contemplate. It is ok. Last night I laid there thinking, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” “I’m Thinking Of Ending Things,” “Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.” I fell to my knees, not before God but to get smaller. I thought I read to get brighter, but I need to cram my head full of everything. This week that’s Braxton, Emergence, Day Job. B was so tiny, but you love him always. To B Little Myself.
217 Days Without B III
BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will