Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

One month and really what has changed, hell this is a month I never expected to see and that started so many years ago and yet somehow I have survived and you have been here for the ride. “30 Days Without Incident” …

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

Hey Lady Lu,
Thirty-one days but the last three nights have been, exhausting, to say the least, and to say the most would be endless screaming but I try to be more articulate than that. Okay, at least to you because I’m still working on the people thing, more to the point I’m still working on that myself thing but really what has this month been like, you don’t want to know but we’re here…

If we start with “the incident” that sent me running back to you, I haven’t heard a thing from “Ms. Seasons” but I’m keeping my ear to the ground, along with my eyes but we’ll get to that. I wish I could figure out am I ignoring her out of disgust, anger, or indifference, the fact that I’m keeping up with her you would think speaks volumes but bless the sound of silence. My resolve seems to be as strong as ever though, but I’m getting to that, I guess it means something too that I don’t have more to say about her at all.

As long as we’re going through a list of the people I’m not speaking with, how about everyone at work, I still hold faith in my conspiracy theory but if anything the typical overnights. Yesterday and today were probably the best I felt minus the exhaustion, hasn’t everyone wondered at some point what it would be like to be all alone in a store? The only thing that would have been better is if my stupid iPhone was acting right but several ideas for playlists if I buckle down honestly.

How is it when you don’t have something you want it, even more, only human right but suddenly I was in the mood to listen to my Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 playlist and Kenny Rogers meets Wyclef. Trust me you don’t want to be left alone with the thoughts in your own head, especially if you’re me right?

I’ve still been avoiding my neighbor when it comes to their dog; I’m not a Flash type of superhero, and while I talk about writings, wit, and wisdom, I’d rather just punch someone in the face. Makes me sound abusive especially when it comes to Braxton, but, A/C, a full food and water bowl, and plenty of comfy spots seems better than a bed of rocks and outside for hours.

Lady Lu I really do want to be the hero in this situation but I have been going back and forth on being the neighbor that wants to help and the neighbor who adopts. Maybe you can blame Braxton for that but if you think I have trouble talking to people… other than Braxton it seems my anxiety transcends species. If anything it points out how much I love animals because I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby either, I don’t even know my nephew, there’s no rush.

Braxton and I *sigh*, a part of me wants to say the circle of life is complete, I hate my father and now Braxton hates me, I wonder if my father is as clueless as I am as to why the anger and animosity between us always. Really Luna the only words that have left my mouth besides “I love you” which I always have and always will have been “No”, “Shut Up” and “that’s why you’re in trouble”, it’s been so many days already. This doesn’t count as an incident but more as a new development and if anything, I’m more concerned with the people I’ll have to talk to, just to know why.

Procrastination, fear, anxiety, pick a word, any word and I’ll just roll with it, that was my first idea to chat about today, the way people are always putting words in my mouth. Now here we are and I just wish I had some idea as to what to say or do; isn’t it strange from the moment you learn to talk you’re taught to shut up and listen only.

One day soon I’m going to have to remember all the reasons that I want to be a writer, just put them all down as a lesson. That’s another thing I was doing at work, thinking of ways to expand, I’m always expanding my reach but Moses was a king of the desert too, I mean post Egypt of course.

“What is an ocean but a multitude of drops?” – Adam Ewing, Cloud Atlas (2012)

There are too many prophets here Luna, as the song goes but each drop is unique, each serves a purpose or maybe that’s my OCD talking and personally, I don’t want to know my place or stay in it. Just informing you of upcoming, incidents, accidents, and mistakes, but for right now, other than being really late with this, I’m actually in a somewhat decent place. Nobody wants to hear that though except for maybe “Indiana Gone” if anything I’ll worry about what I’ll say tomorrow, I’ll be sad tomorrow.

Just because I’ve survived this month doesn’t mean I enjoyed it and isn’t that yet another problem with life, that it’s all some big accident; makes me think about holy folks, you know. To go with another song, every day is exactly the same and if anything, that means I will survive, okay damn my iPhone and the always running playlist within my mind. Maybe you’re hoping that I will see a miracle instead of the other shoe dropping. Only that’s truth, the other shoe has to drop, whether you’re lying on your back, taking the next step, or learning.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” – King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead 7×02

When it doesn’t that’s an incident, an accident, tripping, you fall and since I don’t think I’ll be flying anytime soon… the thing is I haven’t tripped or fallen, since landing flat on my face with Ms. Seasons. What I have learned today is that I want to adjust my path, which means taking my eyes off the ground, here’s to us Lady Lu and to 30 Days Without Incident.

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

That’s what she said, no that’s what I said, and truth be told it hasn’t been doing anyone any favors, did I learn nothing from the sound of silence. That’s What She Said or not because I’m too much of a wuss to get her side.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

Hey Lu,
I think this is part of the reason we get along so well because you don’t say anything and I know that sounds really bad but in my own personal experience, women talking to me *sigh*. For the record, though I find the joke “that’s what she said” to be pretty damn off putting, one of the reasons I hate going to work.

In “Living Single” Max told Kyle that he didn’t want a girlfriend but a therapist that’s good in bed, I think the whole concept of “GFE” cancels that out but really what do men want when talking to women. I got a friend and half the time we just mirror things back to one another you know how they say “great minds think alike” so you know back in my Saturday morning cartoons they would say “great minds think for themselves” but that is another story. I talk to you and don’t have to worry about you giving me bad advice, chances are I wouldn’t take it anyway, the things that none of us wants to hear am I right.

Which brings me back to work, they treat that joke “that’s what she said” as the end all be all joke, I swear I just want to go all Wesley from Wanted and don’t get me wrong, men can be just as stupid seeing as how it’s a male coworker that always says this. You know I think often about having the answers to life’s questions, but praise the sounds of silence you know. Maybe that’s why the kiss was invented some women and men have some semblance of a chance at keeping the human race going, without screwing up.

“if she’s in the mood to f**k you, shut up and let it happen.” – Chris Rock, Bigger & Blacker

Sometimes I talk too much and I definitely type too much nowadays which is why I got into trouble in the first place… On the other side of the line, women are always talking about being so clear and at the same time men are expected to read between the lines, how do we survive?

Correct me if I’m wrong Lady Lu but I think yesterday was the first talk we had where I didn’t mention “the incident” to be fair I haven’t even gone back to reread what she said again. Now I want to scream that’s a problem but that it’s also the solution but how did they do it back in the old days, you know when not a word need be spoken?

I often talk about having an ulterior motive and then she was so clear but what if I had been someone else, anyone else, would the words have really mattered? Isn’t that just it, when I gave the flowery words to guys for their women, they couldn’t get enough but then I could never do that for myself could I. Skeevy words and yet people will drink, do drugs, and the like and lie to themselves about what makes them do the things they do and sadly I’m no better, a liar, I’m telling you that’s what she said.

Some other girl probably and even today, some women I just ignore, some words are filler and why do I want to hide from the truth but like “The X-Files” the truth is out there. I use to say I don’t want to be a liar, but society deems that we all must, this is the world we live in and eventually, we might evolve past this but I have never gotten that far. In all the erotica I have ever read, the relationships are built on lies and even in the fairy tales that end with happily ever after or in erotica’s case either in bed or with the end of The Graduate, that what did we do look.

I was a nice guy when I never talked to her but the moment she becomes let’s say unrepressed and I say what I said, suddenly I’m skeevy. The moment I saw her as a woman and not just someone, Luna I ask you why does any man want a woman and yes I know this already sounds bad but let’s go with our biology.

“I have four words for you: Listen to the Woman.” White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Like you Luna, considering you are a figment of my imagination and personally I rather sleep but the reason that you’re here is that while I can’t hear you, I know you want to be here. It’s primal nature and I’m afraid I spoiled some of that today but listening to women and really hearing them is two different things.

I’m not trying to psychoanalyze anyone but it really says something about a woman who is suddenly uncommitted and gets tattoos, her nipples pierced, goes to nude beaches, and everything else, this being the thirteenth lesson, I’m not scared of feminist finding me. What about a woman who asks your opinions on clothes, wear’s stuff that you like, takes up your fandoms and buys you props for them? How about another woman who starts out on your couch, activity flirts with you about a certain lifestyle, and ends up in your bed but stops you right at the cusp hmm?

Even Disney Lu, remember Ariel who gave up her voice for legs, a woman that gives up talking for something physical and then a man that talks too much. How about Merida from Brave when she saw the last man who she thought was a suitor, she responded not as some independent princess but like any other woman. In the end, it doesn’t come down to he said she said, but simply the physical though some men are more equal than others and some women while condemning men in every shape and form only condemn our species, why do you think “Realdoll” even exist today.
“We married wonder women. Supergirls. Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us?

Smart, worthy, lucky.

We’re the wuss. The wind beneath your wings. Your support system. We’re the girl. And we don’t like it.” The Stepford Wives (2004)

So I ask what did she say and what did I say and in the end does it really matter, what matters is somebody you can enjoy the silence with, somebody that you don’t need the words with and if you choose to have them let them be true or at least better, what about somebody that doesn’t kill you in your sleep. If anything I just want “I love you” not to be a joke no I want to look at the world and say That’s What She Said.

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.