Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

What are you waiting, she’s not coming to me anytime soon, neither are millions upon millions of dollars or a legion of adoring fans for a book signing as of late. Hurry Up And Wait, NaNoWriMo was last month, and I think I’ve relaxed enough

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, age is nothing but a number but that number is getting bigger and bigger, and you know some people say to think of it as leveling up but what happens when you level up in a video game? How many times have I just wanted this game to end, not that I’m retaking the suicidal route contrary to popular opinion, hell as if that view is worried about me honestly?

Take a few days ago, my general manager is concerned about me, how I felt like I was right back in school; “It’s Times Like These” I find out how rational a person I am. You see he’s more worried about himself and the rest than my mental health, getting over whatever possible affliction I have going on at the moment. You know me, Luna, I have a million excuses, which again shows why I’m so late talking to you another time, today should have been better considering no work.

That’s what I have to get over, work and that means I should be writing more but instead what have I been doing, what’s today’s excuse… Blue Balls. If anything that is what I’ve been waiting for the longest; to take a page from The Matrix Reloaded vis-à-vis love and of course there is still an opinion, my parents, family, dog, friends, etc. Now, of course, you probably think I’m talking about the love of a woman in a happily ever after sort of way but what comes to mind at this particular moment is loving myself. No, I don’t mean the thirty plus minutes I spent in bed thinking about getting an ice pack for my junk for relief.

Hurry up and wait has only been another excuse, leave that to others but not for me, if you want a car you don’t wait for someone to give you one, you get off your ass and work. You want to eat, it’s the same thing, what about being an aspiring novelist and what about falling in love? No, my dear Luna, this is just a reminder that I have to get up and work and stop thinking about tomorrow, there is no tomorrow, live like there’s no tomorrow, oh yeah that has to be a rule without a doubt.

What I have learned today is even if I can’t keep my head up out there… not yet, I shouldn’t have it down here, just looking at my dick, waiting for a release that I can’t give, no more, I won’t Hurry Up and Wait.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

You remind me of my jeep, well not really, and I’m not really comparing anyone to a summer’s day, though that’s something I can’t forget these days. You Remind Me Of… I’m not sure yet considering this is mostly jibber-jabber.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

Hey Lady Lu,
No R. Kelly is not a good role model either, though I am reminded of the Harmonic War of yesteryear, a bad time, only today’s lesson is being reminded. So many things in the world today are reminding us of what we need to be, should be, what we should aspire to be but I’m looking behind.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me. — After The War

I told you before I’m looking for some male role model and yeah shouldn’t I try being myself… whenever you meet that man be sure to let me know Lu. Ned Flanders is one side of the spectrum and maybe Le Marquis de Sade is the other side, and I’m still keeping the moniker “Marquis de Joker” though I’m sure that’s been ruined. If you asked who I wanted to be today, Donovan ‘Van’ Ray a.k.a. Van Strummer, from Fastlane.

Even in today’s world that would be wrong, I was talking to “Okay” and sort of reminiscing on how the world used to be, the things expected of us. Isn’t that part of the problem right there, the world has so many ideas that here I am looking for myself and if I listened to everyone else I would be torn apart. The rack my lady, we are supposed to stretch to encompass every idea and at the same time, we have to keep those ideas to ourselves other than risk tearing everybody else apart.

Talking to you Luna reminds me when the world was once simpler… okay so it never was but we both can agree that it’s only grown more complicated right? All the world wants me to know now is I’m not good enough to live in it… suicidal, probably but not like I’m anxious to do anything about it for now.

“The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.” The One (2001)

Luna why can’t you remind me of a time I was once at peace with myself, whole and one, yeah I keep finding the pieces of me, trying to kill off the others but such a period never existed. I’m constantly reminded of my failures, selective memory again maybe because when’s the last time I was reminded of something good?

He reminds me of how helpless I am, you know who I’m talking about, “The Abomination” it’s been a long time since I’ve called him that, my father of course. Another reminds me of the monster I still have inside of me, the monster I could become, my poor Braxton still sitting in his room because I’m so upset. Still, so many others remind me of the man… well, I don’t know, personally, I don’t want to be any sort of man like them but they are better aren’t they?

She reminds me of a girl I once knew, of a girl I wanted to know, probably of a girl that never existed except in my mind and as the song goes, where is my mind? What about my mom, haven’t talked to her since… I can’t pick out a good feeling, going for food makes me feel pathetic, showing off the car was more fear of my father. What about Ms. Seasons that reminded me I’m all sorts of skeevy, did I even mention the incident yesterday, the things I can’t forget, the things I actually want to be reminded of, scary isn’t it.

Only that’s just biology, not a doubt in my mind what I want, how easily I’m reminded of a beautiful woman and the things I would do, “Shusaku”, “Isaku”, Kojin Taxi, I swear I’m looking for something appropriate. Something to remind me not of let’s say better, but that I’m not as bad as I sometimes want to believe Luna.

It sucks when you don’t want to be reminded of the things that make you feel the most like you but again who am I? I see gray hairs, I hear the cracking of my bones and I’m reminded that I’m not so young anymore, and what about the things I want to be reminded of, just to keep existing.

They remind me that I’m not wanted there, family and coworkers, there is no place for me amongst them anymore or even before. I’m reminded that I can be scary and that I can be full of fear myself, trying to save the neighbor’s dog again, the dog was scared and so was I. The stares, the body language of everyone when I arrive somewhere that I’m just not like them and that I will never be, no matter what.

Just yesterday I was reminded of my old car, listening to “Indiana” complain about hers, is it bad to be reminded that other people have problems and you can just go along. I know I can still play the hero as I said, the neighbor’s dog, I did the right thing regardless of my plans and I even showed innovation. How about that the idea that I can surprise myself cooking for a woman, it was only rice but yes I’m reminded while things get worse, there are things to look forward to if they are enough.

Lady Luna remind me next time to be more cheerful or make more sense because I know these last chats of ours have been nothing more than jibber-jabber. What have I learned today other than the fact life itself reminds me of nothing at all, maybe because there is nothing like it but Luna You Remind Me Of…