Episode 212 ~Tooth Of Will’s Smile~

Last week I said something about not being much of a talker and today, quite by accident I got a look in the mirror and found out why I shouldn’t open my mouth… better to smile with my eyes or even my lips. “Tooth Of Will’s Smile”

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Episode 212 ~Tooth Of Will’s Smile~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, better yet, what would I feel if I had it already, what if Publishers Clearing House rolled up right now, published a book, maybe having a publishing house one day? A smirk, a dreamy sigh, but a smile, there was a time. B III was my family, and I think about how I lived back then and what he and I needed, joy, faith, hope, of course, I call you love, but a smile wasn’t required.

Even now, my love, I can give you as many smiles as you would like, I’m sure if my firstborn weren’t eating, licking, or guarding he would wear one now, I want our children to be happy every single day. I am too but wearing a smile… THEY say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile but why do you think I’m so strong, trust me carrying a collection of grins is no easy task which is why I give them away so quickly. Maybe I want people to see this beautiful family we are, did we ever discuss the tooth fairy situation, and I go back to that quote from “Deep Down.”

“Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It’s harsh and cruel. But that’s why there’s us – champions. It doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be.” Angel

Is it wrong that I keep my smile from the children, again Triple B doesn’t care (developing cataracts, poor thing) but when the others are giving money to the ice cream man, imagining the story as I read to them, or wearing a mask on Halloween? Did you mind, the first time we kissed; like my B III, I can eat plenty of your cooking (the big piece of chicken) or how about waking up in the morning beside me. Now I want to hide my smile even from myself or like most things I do it differently because… yeah I know you’ll tell me not to worry when I look in a mirror and when I call you beautiful, even with my mouth it doesn’t make it any less real, your smile matters more.

Mine though, well, I still wear glasses for a reason, I wouldn’t fool around with Lasik but this is America and being a successful author, running a business, having a family, I’m happy even if the pearly whites won’t say it, but I suppose one day I’ll “try.” Can I show you what I feel without it, a requirement, to laugh, to talk, and hopefully we don’t go back to a vampire or werewolf craze though I liked Twilight, Blood and Chocolate, Underworld, and let’s not forget zombies Warm Bodies, yours and mine this is happiness, Tooth Of Will’s Smile.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 205 ~This Is Your Will~

I’m not much of a talker, somebody thinks I should be a singer, and I guess I should get better at remembering holidays, MLK Day was yesterday, and I have a dream too that my future wife is reading these but if I could sing to her. This Is Your Will.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Episode 205 ~This Is Your Will~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I know it won’t be with my singing, though I’m a supporter of yours and let’s not take a survey of my musical selections except on Saturday mornings, when it’s all weird… 40’s and 50’s Nuclear Pop, Project At Eden’s Gate, etc. You can tell plenty about a man with his taste in music because I don’t ever think I’ll be quite the talkative type, especially when we’re ordering in the drive-thru or over the phone; am I a man at all sigh… like B III’s bark compared to his bite, people are surprised I suppose.

By my selections; the fact that I like to sing, and while I’m not much of a dancer, as say they, like no one, is watching and wouldn’t it be everyone else that felt like fools since I got you after all. I’m sort of in an exploratory phase when it comes to audiobooks, and I always have my Motivations Playlist “Tell Me Something Good” again, one more reason I found the courage to even talk to you. What man could say he enjoys listening to a woman all day, Ellie Goulding, Sade, and of course you baby doll, one more way to keep something beautiful in my mind honestly.

Would that make you a siren, songstress, maybe one of many Disney sweethearts, though to this day the sound of my name on your lips, has to be the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard because it comes with no illusions, you listen to me. Even when I say nothing at all because I’m going to buy you a library, be it books, blockbusters, or things for the bedroom because I want to lie here with you in the silence. Though I hope you don’t think less of me but since I was a child and like Charlie Brown I figured I’d get Hitched at some point (case and point) I love how I can lie my head in your lap, and you sing Poor Sweet Baby, I guess Triple B has something there, plenty comfy.

When I don’t wish life was a zombie movie or some other type of horror flick, I’ve always wanted it to be a rock opera or the perfect movie soundtrack, and telling you my favorite song is safer than my favorite book… Easy Street. Not enough, how about “I Love You” well we still have plenty of stuff to talk about my baby girl; come Find Me, and you know I will because in the end, This Is Your Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

“Sup” is that even a word, now I’m not a believer in Newspeak but even that would be better than the noises I just happen to make on any given day. Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises aren’t enough for me, not in this world anymore

Friday, August 4, 2017

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

To My Lady Luna,
Seems like a polite way to start a letter though we’re just talking, I haven’t forgotten NO FEAR, you know “Indiana Gone” said the same thing about speaking to her once, however, I usually say whatever I want to her. Now there are times I’m just being lazy, maybe I’m pissed, for the past few days it’s been wondering why even waste the air on some but today the lesson is, this grunting I do.

You know, usually when I’m about to snap at people at work one of my main arguments is, when my dog barks he’s usually trying to accomplish something, most people are just adding to the depleting ozone layer. Maybe in a way, I’m just trying to do my part for the environment, surely just by practicing my native tongue as it were… silence. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said, everything has its place, and Luna I know I want to bring the ruckus but I just can’t.

“From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.” Zed, Men in Black (1997)

I think I would fit in quite nicely don’t you think; maybe I’m hoping everyone will forget, I’m always trying and then on the other side of the coin, I remind “Okay” that “The Day” is coming soon, now what did I say once about having ulterior motives? Stop wasting your breath as “The Guilty Remnant” writes because talk is cheap and this is a time of action but wouldn’t me talking be a form of action in a way?

Which brings me back to today, and tomorrow, and the day after because the world is still not ending and as much as I hate to admit it I have to live in this one my lady. Now if I can find the strength to move my legs, to do what must be done at work, hell to even speak to Braxton, why can’t I trigger those same muscles to talk to an actual person.

You know they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile… no wonder Caesar and the apes, kick our asses but we all can’t go on a rampage whenever we feel the need… I thought this was America? Maybe if I had parents that told me to kick ass or use my words but my parents told me everything I said was stupid and that I was nothing and so here we are.

It’s as if I devolved and please don’t bring up that stupid gun from the “Super Mario Bros.”, now we’re all devolving, I know a writer who wrote a great series about it but at the end of the day, the everyday person with their phone can still speak. When it comes to me though, I’m better off learning sign language, at least it would require me to put my phone down and possibly lift my head up. Maybe I started off too quickly, trying to move into the talking phase and I just need to focus on keeping my head up and looking people in the eye, for starters.

“I’m so sick and tired of my chin being up.” – Winifred “Fred” Burkle, Angel

Am I in pain all the time, life hurts like a bitch and speaking of “Ms. Seasons” anyway I can barely shuffle my feet and it’s like the slightest sound I make could just end everyone else’s universe instead of my own. I laugh, I snicker, and hmm, I want to go ahead and add ‘sup’ to the menu, which has become my normal greeting for everyone, I make sounds not words my dear Luna. Maybe when I went all homicidal on my imaginary friends there was no one left to really speak to… but what are you my dear Luna, writing is less crazy.

“I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody’d think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they’d leave me alone . . . I’d cook all my own food, and later on, if I wanted to get married or something, I’d meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf-mute and we’d get married. She’d come and live in my cabin with me, and if she wanted to say anything to me, she’d have to write it on a piece of paper, like everybody else” – The Catcher in the Rye

That’s not going to happen is it, Luna, it’s not the world I live in I’m afraid to say and what do we say now, no fear, I have to live in this world and this world requires speech. It must be easier for singers and spoken word artists and I haven’t given up on the notion that one day I might join their ranks.

“Haven’t you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem” Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

This is part of what today was about Luna, a test if you will, how would people respond, they would talk and I suppose I committed myself to speak, if not beginning the conversation then I could at least end them. More reasons I’m quiet, I can’t do the every day with fear, but then sex and violence to boot.

I told you I think about how my grand mommy made me watch an Oprah special about children being kidnapped which terrified me to the point of wearing a whistle around my neck or on my wrist for weeks because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to scream. A reason why horror doesn’t bother me and as far as sex goes, hell I can be a dirty talker but as long as the girl is moaning and screaming, I’ll consider it a job well done. Violence is a bit of the same, between bullets, bombs, and babes screaming, noise doesn’t bother me at all.

So at work today I was listening to my hardcore gangsta playlist, been getting into as of late thanks to “Saints Row” again, anyone I wanted to see if anyone would comment and if they did, I would have to respond. How about the woman at Walmart who tried to short me four bucks and anxiety be damned I made sure to get my money, I’ll consider that a win I think. Other than that it was a typical day, can’t say I’m super proud of myself but it was a step in the right direction and led me to my first real goal honestly.

No more grunting Lady Lu, no more silence, if somebody talks to me I will respond, I mean am I really afraid of what I will say when I get started if I could be as open as iPhone music. So that’s what I learned today, that’s what I know honestly has to change, to use my words, no fear, Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises.

Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a phone call… if you’re unable to speak? Agent Smith, The Matrix (1999)

I Will Have No Fear