Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, I’m going to constantly be reminding me myself and it’s a good beginning for our lesson because while the overall goal is to become fearless, no is the word I’m having trouble with today. Reminds me of something out of the Planet of the Apes series, and isn’t that all of us, just a bunch of apes with our hair standing on end at the sound of that word… no.

“Teacher only reverted to type under provocation. He… he spoke like a slavemaster in the old days of our servitude when we were conditioned to mechanical obedience. He, uh, he uttered a negative, uh, imperative.

Could you put that into words which even Caesar could understand?

Uh, he said, “No, Aldo, no!”” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

It starts when we’re young, people fight like Hell to get us into the world, pro-life, a yes and then the rest of our lives we’re told no and we only continue the cycle. Then with the same breath, we’re frightened of those words, only those in power say no and those without say yes and that dictates who we are. So how do I explain heroes then, to a villain it’s always yes to themselves and no to others but then the hero must always say yes, even at the cost of all that they could ever hope honestly.

“This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”” Rorschach, Watchmen

When your equal asks you say yes; when someone better ask the answer is yes when you consider someone beneath you the answer is always no or you seek to benefit some way. The only thing worse than no is maybe and even lower is a maybe that turns into a yes out of fear of no. Simply put if you’re afraid of saying no, that shouldn’t qualify into a yes, no means no, yes means yes, and often times maybe means no…okay, not simple.

I’m afraid of no, always admit the problem, I’m afraid of no, and I hate yes most days, and the world makes it so, honestly I wish I could say it was all in my head. When you see it put into practice how can you not be afraid, I mean most fears are in our own minds, but with experience, you must fear it.

Take for example work today or lack thereof, when I first started working I never said no, the answer must always be yes because the moment I said no, what would that make me, a bad employee? I learned to start saying no though and then my fears became actualized, my weekly hours were cut, my tasks became worse, for a person that had always said yes in the past, the calls stopped altogether and even when I said yes on occasion at work it wasn’t until I became a yes man that things returned to normal, so I caved.

You want to know why I feel like such a monster when it comes to women because the monster wants the pretty girl and when I wanted someone, that pretty girl’s life became hell from all those around her. She said no because of what a yes would do to her, what about the things I’m into, we have proof that some women would be into my type of kink as long as it isn’t me, my words have won women as long as they know it wasn’t me. I have read Roosh V and he talks about imagining the worst case and you know things can’t be that, take a walk with me sometime.

We say no to those we love the most, I mean an enemy is more inclined to get a yes and why, again we seek to benefit, but I tell my dog no, I tell my “real” friends no, but with my family it’s always yes and that’s because I fear them. No is not just some concept it’s an action with true consequences, take a victim of sexual assault, how many say no it didn’t because of what lies on the other side of fear which is yes only to experience a lifetime of no. A maybe or a yes born out of fear of no and yet I seek the courage to say no, even with you Lu.

I can’t say no to you and do you know why, it’s because I’m waiting for a yes, I fear the moment I give you a no is the moment I miss yes, that makes me a bad man doesn’t it, like pawing away at “Okay” again. Which do I fear more though, no or yes, from now on its one way or the other and you can’t always sit on maybe, I must choose.

How about what I have been thinking about all this morning, well at least two hours maybe, that job of mine called and asked me to come in today and I said NO. Would a yes have been preferable, I have to start thinking about doing things that scare me, I must break my fear.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Telling them no even with experience, even with a full understanding of the consequences, even with how the moment it was done made me want to pick up the phone and say yes took courage. It’s not like I died for anyone… everyday life, you work somewhere you hate and you sell an hour of your life for a certain amount of money, don’t mistake stupidity for courage. No means I’m being selfish doesn’t it or setting myself up to fail at some point but at the end, I don’t want to succeed there even, I endure to get to where I want to be.

What if I said yes, I would have been caving to one fear but I would get to face several others and I want to be stronger, and people, of course, are one of my worst fears, the dragon known as anxiety. How about missing my yes there, find your yes, how long have I been working there, company taglines and all, but what I want is on the other side of fear which means I make money to buy things I want and need, facing people would mean more money and thus I would be rewarded. So scared to say no but didn’t someone say that in order to face your fear the answer must always be yes, I guess it’s a situational thing.

Anyway today I made the choice and that choice was to say no, so no worries… okay dammit, I’m still thinking about “Ms. Seasons” flying away… how about the courage to let go of my hate, to no longer fear it. What have I learned today, yet another thing is not the end of the world and that thing is no, Courage to Say No.

I Will Have No Fear