Category: Madam Justice

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

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I’m not in the mood. I remember Braxton being in his room when I had women over, and he only liked one. I had to give him the talk after he got a bit paws on. He’ll never meet the one. Never Mind Weather For Sex, but I am, was a single dad.

Monday, March 15, 2021

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

Hundred And Seventy-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while the weather ALWAYS permits, the spirit has no mood now.

You didn’t think this would ever happen to me, huh, Madam Justice? Don’t worry, you’re not the first woman to ask me about this. My second BFF asked me about having lady friends by. It was more or less a confession to M Anime with my new asexual ideas, yep. Braxton is not to blame since this has been going on since last year. He’s only been gone forty-three days. Hell, with this weather, I could send him out to play. How about all those early morning showers getting ready for work while he slept. I’m still cleaning my phone. It’s not like I don’t get hot and horny. I could even be wrong about thinking of this as asexuality at all… abstinence, celibacy, MONK.

I’m not a religious man Madam Justice but when it comes to Braxton? Well, I’ve said I’m going to Hell, and I was aiming for the second circle. Of course, there is my anger and rage, which is the fifth circle. What I did forty-three days ago, well forty-four January 31. Treachery, betrayal, is the greatest sin and also the coldest, and that’s how I feel, Justice. Tupac said, ain’t a woman alive that can take his Mama’s place. My Mama is back to her usual self. So here I am; I can’t get a hug from my Mom, and even if I had a girlfriend. Honestly, I only want to hug my best friend again. I want to be warm. I don’t deserve it.

As the songs go, Sitting Here In Limbo, Highway To Hell, Stairway To Heaven. Yes, I know Limbo is in Hell, and that’s probably the best way to describe it. I’m still reading Eric Vall’s titles. I’m downloading all manner of stuff but preparing to cancel all of it now. Being hot is one thing and cold another but lukewarm? I’d give anything to be cuddling with Braxton right now. Let’s walk on the coldest day of the year. I still remember rushing him to the vet when he was dehydrated and staying up with him all night with hope. Pardon me, but no piece of ass will make up for that wagging tail. The weather’s no problem; it’s Braxton being gone; it’s been forever.

Never Mind Weather For Sex

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

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I killed him. I’ll never forget it was my fault, my responsibility, my failure. When my Olds moved, I said to him, “Get in the car, Braxton.” inviting him into my life. He gave me the gift of his. If I had known… Consider Threats Like Any Invitation.

Monday, March 8, 2021

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

Hundred And Seventy-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton IS priceless…still. The things I bought to keep us safe.

I grabbed my gun last night when I heard noises coming from downstairs. Once “something fell,” I never figured out what. So I grabbed B III and left him upstairs as I took one of my knives and my phone to go looking everywhere. Easy to be black and die. Not that I mean to be political today, or am I sick of crying every morning? So many times, I’ve said my biggest fear IS leaving him. Not once did I consider he would leave me. I’m not STUPID, but B is going to live forever, I would tell myself. I’d die protecting my boy. When I saw his sickness, it was like, Braxton is strong, a fighter, he’ll beat it; “there goes My Hero.”

Like his Old Man, he could be a villain too. Braxton and I had our fights from time to time. Hell, how many times did I swear I would never become like my “father?” I have a whole house to hide in, and B III will hide under the bed. God, don’t make me terrifying. Madam Justice, one of my favorite ways to wake up in the morning would be Braxton and me back to back. I would be facing the door, his greatest enemy, and he would face alarms. Yeah, one of the reasons I finally made it back to the table… I hate my Day Job, so write. Write about all the enemies we had, people, places, and things. Brothers against the world

It would be easier to count out those things that brought us peace. Yet again, why I hate myself, I brought Braxton into a life of fear, so much so that he would seek it out. Even when there was nothing there, he would bark as though to ward off evils I could not stop. The Dog Stop told me that Braxton IS so mean because he wanted to protect me always, but when it was my turn? I wanted to protect everyone from him.

Suppose I’d been braver, more brazen, appreciative of the beauty of this whole world. Finding bliss, a semblance of peace. Holding him on that last day, it wasn’t that. When he became mine, “Get in the car, Braxton,” I said. Consider Threats Like Any Invitation

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

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A song goes; a penny for my thoughts. I’ll sell them for a dollar. All I want is my best friend back. I keep asking, but I keep confessing too. He’s not coming back, and I’m guilty. And if I had the right words… Cheap Words Cost More Breaths yep

Monday, March 1, 2021

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

Hundred And Seventy-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it cost me around three hours to say that every day.

How much of that time could have been spent with Braxton? Hell, with as many times as I said NO to him over the years. Why couldn’t I have died with him? Careful, right, Madam Justice, with those kinds of thoughts. Not that I care so much what happens anymore. You know the list of my most hated words? Please keep in mind people have been calling me crazy forever. To be driven insane with Braxton’s passing? Ain’t I ashamed of myself for not talking this much about him when he was here. Let me say his name for all. Braxton Barks Bradford. That will bring on a few more bleeps and bloops from the hackers and scammers. My boy, his name, what a world

One in which I break down crying that I forgot to say goodnight to him on Friday. I can’t forget; I won’t allow myself to forget. Dammit, Madam Justice, it’s only been one month. The shortest month of the year, his birthday. B III would have been sixteen only now… Yeah, I’m not asking him what he wants for it. “More fries, Daddy. Can I have more fries?” A few fewer trips to McDonald’s. No more calls to Banfield or setting up appointments at the groomers. I’d gladly pay the price; at least then, my breaths would have some purpose. Braxton was worth every single one. I would talk to myself often enough, my Olds would tell you. At least with B, I could pretend.

It’s still called Denial. I speak in the mornings, at night, outings, and for medicine. Other than that, the house is dead silent, give or take background noises. It’s colder but without Braxton’s barks, breaths, or beating heart. The people outside are more annoying and enraging. Madam Justice, might I add forgetfulness. I don’t remember the last words I said to my son before the end. We were both quiet in the car because he no longer had the strength, and my words didn’t matter that trip. Actions, it’s the actions and what was mine, Betrayal. “I’ll help you,” “I tried,” I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “goodbye,” I am a broken record. “Let’s go home.”

Cheaper, of course, but to keep breathing? Hell’s My Debt. Cheap Words Cost More Breaths.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

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I don’t want peace, and the quiet is killing me. Let me have my exhaustion and with what my eyes have been doing lately, tuning out, tearing up, taking down every bit of pain as if it would stop my own. “Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved”

Monday, February 22, 2021

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

Hundred And Seventy-Six Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not angry about Braxton. Well, how do I know I started talking to you Friday. Say it with me, Madam Justice AHEM “Time-Travel.” What I know for sure is this? I’m not Zen. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m still reading anything and everything, well, after crying that Braxton isn’t curled up against me. It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame. Talk about a butt kicking deserved. I have those pamphlets on grief the vet gave me. To this day, I believe I’m in Denial, but Anger?

I don’t know how to describe it. Every morning when I wake up, the living routine. You know when I sleep, I’m gone though I’ve begun to dream again. Nothing about B III, only pain, and don’t tell me you can’t feel it in dreams. I’m usually shocked then, waterworks. Most of the time, I’m on autopilot. My mom asked me do I watch a lot of Dish; anything to break up the silence. Only what I mean is, it’s like that movie Warm Bodies, and I’m “R.” What do zombies do? Who was R before Julie and then without her? B’s not coming back. But what peace I knew…again routine, Denial. Braxton is only outside or under the bed. I joined a club about dogs, but I’m finding people much like myself. Madam J, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So then I look for more pain and for what, my catharsis?

“It’s easier not to feel. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this.” R – from the movie Warm Bodies

Disgusting, but how about wishing it was me? I’ll be damned if an animal is in pain. My Braxton suffered. People though… You know the song, “the dreams in which I’m dying…” My side was hurting; I thought I got bitten by something, wishing sicknesses. I’ve been eating more. Now I’ve starved myself for at least a week, but now food is the punishment. I said before I’ve been craving things like onion rings, chocolate, Burger King. Anything Braxton can’t have or that breaks my routine and increases my shame. Some time ago, I saw the police, and while they can pick anything at all… My killing Braxton. I’m Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child; I should be punished, purged, never purified. Hell’s not scary.

Living like this… peace, any thought of Zen’s the crime. Laugh, Smile, Funny Face, Braxton. Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

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Braxton would let me stay in bed, but he also knew how to get me out of it and then at the end… Hell, I would have joined him if I could’ve. Only for now, at least I’m up wanting to remember, to hold him, but Beds Are Not Substitute Graves.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

Hundred And Seventy-Five Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does Braxton want to be with me forever? Always and forever in my heart, of course. Even now, a piece of him is around my neck. What about everything that is on my nightstand? I’m sure even today (Time-Travel, it’s still Saturday, his birthday). He wouldn’t want me to spend all day in bed mourning. No, that’s what we did on my Emergence Day. A bed has plenty of purposes, but it’s not as a grave. Being in a warm bed is pretty heavenly, which explains why I’m out of mine.

I’m also sure a bed isn’t made to be a shrine; again, we return to my nightstand. It’s been two weeks now or will be, and I keep Braxton’s last collar in his bed. His favorite plaything sits on his pillow in his room. Despite losing him, as I said on “that day,” they’re staying. Braxton’s bed is not exercise equipment, no matter how heavy it is to carry. With everything I have to heave at the Day Job, nothing compares. I keep thinking the whole world could tumble down, crushing me, only B III, bedding, daddy’s breaking heart. They’re not time machines either. As I told you before, I move my son’s bed to the right spot when I leave. Hell, just now, where do you think his pillow is with his toy? Right under the table as I talk to you. I’m still waiting for Braxton to go out, standing by the door.

That’s his territory, the backyard. Indiana Gone asked me where I would scatter his remains… I’ve only cried twice today, and it’s not yet 8:30 in the morning. Madam Justice, honestly, I only opened “the box” once. Inside’s a blue cloth, farther… didn’t wish any disturbance. Well, again, other than the pendant, I’m still wearing. Do I want to keep what’s left of my son sitting there dark? A bag of his hair, a clay paw print, even the certificate of his cremation? 5.5 x 8.5, how dreadful is that wanting to keep it representing Braxton. February 4, by the way, where was I when that was happening? In bed saying that it should have been me than him, honest. Today of all days, though, I’m out of bed, not living really. Existing, Remembering, and Thinking for now at least. Beds Are Not Substitute Graves

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

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I don’t know what’s worst than saying Braxton’s gone, my son is dead. Everything that has been said and not, nothing will trump that. Yet in life, we keep some things to ourselves, right? “Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets,” right

Monday, February 8, 2021

Gospel 222 ~Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets~

Hundred And Seventy-Forth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should have plenty of secrets. You know I do, but for the first time in forever, I don’t care. I’ve told you the worst thing I’ve ever done. Madam Justice, I’ll keep saying it. I killed my son, Braxton is dead because of me. For my failure at being his father, he paid with his life. I’m scared, of course. At the same time, I’ve got nothing left to lose. Why should I care about anything else? What makes me a man has nothing to do with, as the song goes, Underneath Your Clothes.

Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose. – Zombieland

I also don’t have to sing “I Wish It Would Rain,” for I am not ashamed of crying. Hell, it might help to feel anger. It’s been one week; well, it’s Saturday now. Who am I to talk about the stages of grief? I haven’t cried like this since… I don’t know; I’m in Denial. It’s one of the reasons I won’t share this more publicly. I’m not my father. Didn’t I tell you before? I could still feel Braxton’s warmth, and he’s all like, “get a new dog.” He’s lost two, and I don’t recall batting an eye, but I didn’t say, “oh well.” Then his mother died um. Nothing ever hid his hatred towards me. I’ve heard the Christians talk about putting on the whole “Armor of God.” It would do nothing to shield me from my anxiety. Give me dog hair any day of the week. Still, I walked in with Braxton, and I walked out alone.

I bore my soul to the world, and what of Braxton’s? Haven’t I said I would have saved or sold mine to keep his? I haven’t cared about my body since. Only I keep dressing, going to the Day Job, I took a shower somehow. Um, does any of this have to do with the rule? Honestly, I haven’t looked; I mean, really seen a woman since the vets had mercy on Braxton. I still have Twitter, of course, and artistic endeavors. To be honest, I haven’t been checking the bank except to shop online for food. How will I ever go into Walmart Sunday? Women hide things, and I’m a man hell with nothing more. Fatherhood, heart, balls, Braxton

No one knows what it’s like… ha, plenty know. But, Reasonable That Victoria Keeps Secrets.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

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I don’t know why I’m writing this or if it’ll make sense; after what happened Sunday. I don’t know. Hope for the best, plan for the Worst. In my universe, that means one thing… my son, and the things I may have decided. Act From Desire Not Insecurity

Monday, February 1, 2021

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

Hundred And Seventy-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but tell me I still have a son? Madam Justice, this is not the time to be looking towards the future, and yet here I am. What I think of him, do for him, are not desires but necessities. I want him to live, yes you could call that a desire. It’s the word LIVE that we should focus on, though. What about Insecurity? No, let’s call it what it is, Fear. What might happen or has? Yes, there is or was Fear, the wonders of time-travel. Anyway, in helping him in one way or another, I do it, no hesitation, Justice.

I could tell you so many things that get me up in the morning. You can take my Day Job as an example. I have no desire to go, but why do I act? There’s a yawn from my son as I lie here. Do I see it today, or is it but a memory? I get so insecure when it comes to my job. Should I change the rule? It is not desire nor any fear. Again it is a necessity. I’m not much for singing, but I will tell you what’s on my mind. As Disney puts it, The Bare Necessities. Um, maybe more to the tune of, it’s too hard living, but I’m afraid to die, Sam Cooke. Madam Justice, out of anyone in this world, it is my son. I don’t care about my life. Hell, tomorrow I’m supposed to talk to Dear Future Wife. What drives me now? Right now, this Saturday is the little ball of fluff lying here fading away, struggling to remain.

I wonder what drives him? He has learned too much from his old man; he knows Fear. Is it over his body? He may not take it that far, and he’s only thinking about jumping off the bed. I want to believe it is his desire not to leave me. How will another replace him?
Never, all I know is I want him here, and no Fear will stop me if I must lie beside him as he departs. I can’t see the future, so who knows if any of this will make sense in a day. I Will him to live, but I desire no more pain for him.

Whatever I do or did… Act From Desire Not Insecurity.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

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Monday; Thursday at the time of this writing, and I’m still scared to death. In a way, that makes me part of the majority. How many people have sped, hit a dog, who’s been inside a cell? Three separate incidents. “Collective Madness Is Called Sanity”

Monday, January 25, 2021

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

Hundred And Seventy-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I must be insane. Well, indeed, I am not the only one to believe in time-travel. So I can’t give myself too much credit. Only here we are on a Thursday, and I want to talk to you right now. Yeah, it’s more like I’m scared. Is it because I agree with everyone else about a particular subject? True enough, but I might be making myself sick over nothing. Either way, the guilt… Dare I say it’s real? How do THEY say, choosing between what you feel and what’s real, right?

PARANOIA! Madam Justice has taken the place of Depression, Anxiety, and, let’s say, any “Joy-Joy Feelings.” I’m the one who looked out the window earlier because I heard voices near my door. I’m lying here relishing the concept that if it gets “real,” who’ll witness? Dammit, don’t let them hurt my Dæmon. Who and for what? That’s why it won’t go away because I won’t face it. Wasn’t it Dale Carnegie who wrote about accepting the worse outcome? Yeah, I haven’t done that exceptionally well. I can’t, Madam Justice, never. Believing such a prospect is too much. Like when I got that speeding ticket and thought I would instead kill myself than tell my Old Man. There was the time I hit that dog… instead, the dog slammed my car door (again with speeding). Oh, my time in Juvenile Detention.

Everyone agrees that getting speeding tickets is wrong. Still, who would go out shopping for sleeping pills or would turn to rob their relatives. I embraced both, of course, and now I can get proper drugs. I have other methods available. I must be insane. However, I thought I was normal when I was driving and then, bam with that dog. I was a dog killer. Mom and daughter could have found my Olds; they could have called the cops. Only the dog lived but again with the memory of what I’d done that afternoon. While I sat in the day room in the detention center after my Olds begged for my release. I won’t do that again, Madam Justice. As much as I hate my “father,” I can’t do that. Yet I agree that what I’ve done or might have is madness, everyone says.

Living this way is crazy. The Paranoia won’t go away. Collective Madness Is Called Sanity

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

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I said love hurts, and yeah, lust does as well, but it’s pretty fun too. Though, I’m not having any. In fact, I’m scared to death. Some people live to eat; others eat to live. I only write, and what else is there? Legs Breasts, There’s Always Chicken

Monday, January 18, 2021

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

Hundred And Seventy-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so oh god, OH GOD, what have I done!!! Why did I not take this rule to heart? It was inspired by my son, my Dæmon. I should turn to Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. When’s the last time I felt so bad? Well, in “modern history?” I would say when I read something from the “Basic Bitch.” Before that getting called into the office at the Day Job. There was that time in junior college. What about my stint in juvenile hall? Trumptards are scared and running.

Not that I’m one of them. Hell, at times, I’m um worse, and I can’t even tell you how horrible. If anything, I’m hoping that I’m here with you to read this in a week. For the moment, I’m time traveling. You know what I said wakes me up every morning, but Fear, yeah, works. Now, as I state in rule #15, “I Take My Own Lumps.” It means I take the hit I don’t make excuses. If I’m guilty, so I am. The thing is, I don’t even know if I am. There’s a difference between thinking and actions, and no, I’m not trying to be all motivational now.

Okay, usually I save confessions for Inspector Echo, but she waits till Wednesday. How about other cops? Well, I’m a thief, for starters. You know all those artists I have yet to pay and the ones I have paid? Well, I found a place where I did a bit of an art heist, not all. Oh, you know I’ve been stealing pictures and videos ever since I discovered, um, the (H-Word). I blame Tenchi Muyo, but I gave my Olds computer a virus many years ago. Yeah, I couldn’t hide that, but I have lied about being a better man. Doesn’t that affect only me, hmm? Today, no, not with my Dæmon. I swore to always be here for him. It’s him and me until the end. It wouldn’t be a crime to leave him but committing one leaves me no choice for sure, Justice.

He likes eating, and I like… well as the song goes, I hear you singing, “I know what boys like I know what guys want.” Much ado about nothing, hopefully.

For release Madam Justice, I stumbled down the rabbit hole… Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 194 ~Love Is The Ultimate Torture~

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Things I can tell my dog and not myself *AHEM* I love you. That’s why hurting myself is nothing, but it’s all panic mode when something is wrong with him. He’s my heart, but what else is there. Money, friends, women? Love Is The Ultimate Torture

Monday, January 11, 2021

Gospel 194 ~Love Is The Ultimate Torture~

Hundred And Seventhly Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while in Idiocracy, “I like money,” understand “I love money.” Of course, I afforded myself a huge nap this afternoon, and here we are. So either I love my sleep, or I’m not exactly in a lovey-dovey mood. Love hurts, sometimes… There are so many places I can take that. But as always, I’m trying to be a good boy. Speaking of which, that’s the only time I mention love these days when talking to my Dæmon. I didn’t listen to my motivations today, but my son is always my WHY.

“You Always Hurt The One You Love.” That tune is pretty dated. Now, to be honest, it’s one of the reasons I avoided Daily Wellness and motivations. Spotify is bonkers with that old school stuff blasting repeatedly. I’m supposed to speak about my firstborn, trying. Funny, this morning, I was reading again about Jeffery and his boy Galen. How he’s failing as a father, but he loves his kid and failed him. Galen never reacts being a “Block” and all but my son… I look at his furry face and the idea, this hurts me more than it hurts you…

It’s bullshit Madam Justice. I know he’s pained, playing pretend, praying. Better than most women. Okay, this is where the rubber meets blacktop SIGH. Once again, I have to stay on the up and up. I’m not in love with any particular girl at the moment. I’d be worse. The things I say when I’m attracted have nothing on what’s in my heart. Only the words “I Love You” wreck any of my wit. Better to remain silent. It’s again a reason we talk like this, Madam Justice. But my Pinterest boards are starting to regain my usually troubling flair.

My heart, though, remains in a cage. I can tell you truthfully that no, I don’t love myself. Yet, I love freedom. That’s why I keep my secrets, unlike the Trumptards going to jail. Money is still fantastic, so I haven’t been “helping out” Alice Little. Lost her court battle. Addiction pains me every day. Only I’m not spending anything on a fix, yet… Jul3DArt, Love Wolf, QOC, Ero3dLight. I wouldn’t advise looking those up. I want to love the man I’ll be, the woman I’ll have, and the Dæmons siblings. To love me now… Love Is The Ultimate Torture.

I Will Have No Fear