Tag: Hate

Episode 102 ~And Find Will’s Remote~

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Fire burns until there is nothing left and since there aren’t kisses coming in my direction or candles igniting, these flames are left to burn; no I’m not carrying the fire I’m being engulfed by a worse desire. “And Find Will’s Remote”

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Episode 102 ~And Find Will’s Remote~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How to make One Million Dollars, well I don’t spend any on BDSM leather, and other than condoms I don’t know much about latex, but before I even knew what it meant being “dominant,” I learned one word… CONTROL. When I was young, hell even today, I have issues with anger, now to me RAGE equals ENERGY, and since violence gets frowned upon and I can’t sleep how do I expend it, those days I cleaned.

I can feel your anger. It gives you focus… makes you stronger. ― Supreme Chancellor, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)

It was all I had Dirty Diana, but if I could have a clean environment, it would clear my mind, I suppose it was a form of control, and in my day to day life I have so little of that but the ability to focus… I let go of everything, fear, hatred, this rage that has engulfed me except I don’t have anything to tidy here and at work, that’s the problem; sex and violence, you see with sex I want complete control, I may be “kinky” according to some women, okay, but I maintain control because there’s life. With fury at another man I don’t give a fuck; with sex and my enjoyment of sadism, hurting a lady in certain ways is pleasurable to a degree but with violence against the men that have wronged me, there’s no pleasure, there’s madness, a beast and what he wants, I cannot speak, I mean honestly.

Now I’m not having sex with the ladies, and I’m forbidden to harm the “gentlemen” (those bastards) so no wonder the beast is at the gates, and the rage is overflowing, and that’s making me even madder because I’m being told to “be myself” again. Yes, they would make me a vagrant with no place, less verbose in my language, the victim. Not sounding very sexy I know and yes I’m repeating myself, but it’s one of the reasons I’m in the lifestyle, to make someone feel as though they have a purpose and at the same time powerless, and to have a peek at the real them. Death is but a parody of life, I can get the thrill in my rage against a bully but what is the opposite of it, calm, clarity, contentment but that requires containment.

Graves can do that, so can a girl’s clothes if you tie her up in them, some might even put their faith in God but I’ve got nothing but Rage and Pain, and the thing about that is, pain can be shared and can be good in some ways. When you ignite that hurt though; when you make someone fear and hate, you can’t control them, and for damn sure you’re not in control of yourself, I must manage the beast, And Find Will’s Remote.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

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Today’s word is ow, I should probably say sin, sacrifice, and suffering but yes pain encompasses all that, and I’m not suffering for anyone but me and who the Hell am I honestly? Find People Worth Suffering For

Monday, September 17, 2018

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

Fiftieth Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, or is he, she, or it worth that much honestly but haven’t we already covered my little boy with Rule Twenty-Four Be Who My Dog Deserves, which was also Lesson 261 I’m just saying.

Now sure I want plenty of things and there was a time I spent afternoons at the track for horse racing, and then I fell into Blackjack, Poker is a bit more complicated but speaking of which I’m sure I’ve told you about the Blackjack Scale I use when it comes to people… Anyway this morning I was thinking about The Purge and The V Games from “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K Webster, and it’s a tossup between what I would do to protect another person over what I would do for let’s say revenge. Either way, people bring about sin, sacrifice, and yes suffering and while I would go through Hell for a laugh what would I do for another’s happiness, in the end, be the joke *sigh*?

I look back at some of my poetry, and I can see that while in one way I so wish to honor women, I do the exact opposite, but still, those words were hours off my life, things better left unsaid perhaps but women are always talking about a man’s time. Hell Madam Justice, the time I have spent doing things this morning, I’m not proud of, but like most of my gender I am an idiot and believe you me every day I’m Hustlin’. Nah the keyword is suffering.

So what makes a person worth suffering for; as I clued in “Indiana Gone” a friend is a girl you haven’t slept with yet or a guy willing to throw punches in your defense and as always I’ve avoided doing any fighting. Hatred is suffering, but so is love, so the real question is which hurts more, and I answer love but what person do I love, does need even count, I hope not. If I’m breaking this rule by not searching for somebody to like, is there anyone out there looking for me, and I’m sure the Christians would say Jesus, but you do know you’re talking to someone skilled in all manners of Torture Methodology Dear Madam Justice.

Of course, I have no problem finding people to hate, but that fire, while it burns, is but a candle for today because what will I be doing after this… suffering still especially if I plan on going to the movies tonight; what might happen, Find People Worth Suffering For

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

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This song says “love is the answer” but that will be true when there’s no one left to hate and on the day to day I find only hatred and no I ain’t scared of no sheet, no confederate flag, or swastika, no my enemy is my own. Rage Against The Will

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason not to because I have said before like the “Lord Of War” you can’t fight your biology; to think last week it was a crime that scared me to death and this week it’s a crime of death, and I am not afraid. Maybe I should be but I can’t, and that’s my first sin, the fact that I want this more than anything, my blood to boil, to burn, and indeed want to breathe, believe in RAGE.

Rage
Everywhere
I feel it
Can’t help it
It burns
Through my heart
And my soul

Rage
Consumes me
Every look
Every smile
I want it done
Tears
Don’t fall

Rage
The pain
Insane
I must be
Death
Theirs or mine
Don’t care

Rage
Such a
Misery (the poem RAGE)

Like sex it’s a biological imperative and especially in America a more socially acceptable one, nearly once a week it overcomes someone for one reason or another so what is that for me, you want to know, do you honestly, because none of them do. Every work day I have people coming up to me asking how I’m doing but today there was nothing, maybe they could sense it, I know I still do, and like sex, I know neither, sin, satiation, or satisfaction. So why do I feel this way… some say laughter is one great medicine and no I won’t sit here and say don’t laugh, hell Inspector Echo it’s my best form of camouflage, I type out LOL a dozen times minimum, I might indeed mean it, I even call myself Le Marquis De Joker on occasion…

And I would call it a plague
how this fever infects
me, I sweat

summoning up the blood
which can never assuage
the disgust, the dirt, my name is mud.

Better though, tears for fears,
than this need to purge, to clear.
I lock the monster in its cage

the white walls of the page.
A mad world of ink,
kink, mystique, doublethink

Don’t rage, rage (the poem Vial Rage)

“Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” Toys (1992)

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My second crime today is the fact that I have let this go on for too damn long, in the name of getting along, of professionalism, of attempting to be a decent human being, see I learned something today, these aren’t people I’m dealing with now. I swear I would make a great Neo-Nazi or KKK member because I was ready to scream… okay speaking of crimes, that might account for hate speech and nobody reads this anyway but again being reasonable. Lastly, when did this start, you know Inspector Echo I have no problem giving orders, but I am not an ignorant leader, and if there is one thing in this great big world I can’t stand it’s looking, feeling, and knowing, I’m STUPID.

Stupidity my greatest sin of all, so no Inspector Echo you don’t have to forgive me for my rage, no I’ll happily go to Hell for that, but I apologize for the time, for wanting these motherfucking moronic assholes to die (nothing racial there right) and for being so stupid, I Rage Against The Will.

“Dear Lord, Please forgive us for all the sins we have brought upon us. And look down upon us with forgiveness for the sins we will have in the future. I know you understand that niggas ain’t perfect, but we try lord. We try to keep our heads up in bad times. This is a bad time, show us the way. And if you can’t show us the way, then forgive us for being lost.” Sweet Pea, Baby Boy (2001)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

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I don’t want to hurt you, but everyone makes it so damn tempting that it’s hard not to want to partake, why can’t Trump sign off The Purge, considering everything else he does but no I suffer in silence? Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

Forty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to deny this, people are a pain, so is life and love, and I don’t mean to sound so bitter right out the gate but honestly, the fact that I’m not in jail (for putting someone in the morgue this time) is truly beyond me. So who hurt me today; Madam Justice I’m a believer in “Black Lives Matter,” but there are reasons I don’t date black women, why I don’t have any guy friends besides the dog, black people *sigh*.

“You mock my pain.”

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ― The Princess Bride (1987)

I told “Indiana Gone” today that if I were a white man after today’s events at my day job, well then give me a polo shirt and a Tiki Torch and I would be out there marching I mean dammit don’t we all have the right to live? Maybe it’s the fact that these people aren’t worth suffering for and that’s all there would be, in fear, in rage, and most of all in truth and that’s what hurts most of all. My entire life is spent suffering for others, and then when it comes to love well that makes everything seem pale in comparison, it makes it worthwhile and while I love my boy like pancakes this pain I have from these fucking people…

“truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

Rule 49 is, of course, a two-part rule, but to know that people will hurt you, to understand it as if people have ever attempted to appreciate me; you know I always say someday, but here I am hurt today, humiliated, hate personified by the very race that cries justice. No Madam Justice that’s what I demand, a white co-worker asked me a week ago ‘can black people be racists” and I told him “of course” but compared to his race it’s a drop in the bucket but the thing is in my thirty-four years of life I have more reason to hate black people than white. I’ve been spit on once, fired probably twice but by my people, terrorized, beat up, rejected, abused, and nearly killed and am I a racists Madam Justice, or sexist for that matter, women?

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (Goodreads)

I’m a sadist Madam Justice, though I should probably save that for Inspector Echo and Dirty Diana only it’s a little bit funny that when I do hurt people, it’s those I have no beef with, and I never harm animals, okay I smash bugs, nobody’s perfect. I’m scared that one day I will find someone who loves me and I’ll want to put them through Hell if only to understand why but these people today… I hate them so much that they ain’t worth my time to hurt but Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

“From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can’t breath. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating… hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me… what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.”

“… if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me.” ― Anakin Skywalker

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 363 ~I Hate This Part~

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A few hours to kill, not to mention some characters, a blank screen, okay so write, only I wish that it would work that way and even then I wouldn’t be able to edit to save my life I bet. I Hate This Part.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Lesson 363 ~I Hate This Part~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Can You Love Me Again, that’s only one of the parts I hate, the waiting, craving, and even with all that not saying things right or wasting more time for mediocre work which I would never know because of editing… I saw last night that I am ill prepared for another stint of NaNoWriMo and then again I’m going to give it a real “can do”; isn’t that another thing hating a word like try, “interesting,” and stupid, still irked by that.

“Yes, no, maybe
I don’t know
Can you repeat the question?”
― Boss Of Me

What about “miracle” that’s a word that isn’t going to happen for me, no I take that back, if anything people have only been spelling the word wrong, you want a miracle, no Lady Sophia you want to work. Regret is another nasty word because that’s something else I’ve been feeling, I’ve had a whole year, and what do I have to show for it, a blog, two books maybe three if you count the poetry hell perhaps even four if you count every blog post. So which is harder, waiting for PCH and yes I’m ashamed to admit I checked them out today, they aren’t coming here, what about waiting for inspiration which I’ve been thinking about, or I could be looking up how you know you’ve got bit by something, me, the dog?

How many words is that (Stupid, Try, Miracle, Work, Regret, Shame, Waiting) seven deadly sins but there is also the capacity for good as in Work, and that’s what I should be doing, what I need to do versus what I want? I don’t think it’s God that gives us the strength if I need more imaginary friends there are so many characters dying for me to let them come out and play. Maybe that’s one of the most hateful parts Lady Sophia, that you have to live to feel all of this and if you’re living, I think you have a responsibility, god how I hate people sometimes but if you’re going to take up air and space, you need to do something right.

Procrastination is the part I hate the most though, living like this, feeling like this and yes I am blessed, I am grateful, but that doesn’t make the pain go away, even being at the finish line because now what is the question. Writing has always been the answer, but I long for the day my hands find enjoyment in other things but for now one day I love this, another I hate it, and now I Hate This Part.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 359 ~ The Force Is With You~

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We see what we wish, you can’t see air, but I still breathe right, they use the same argument for God; I’m not looking for breaths or it, I’m looking for is power, whatever it is that makes people move, myself included. “The Force Is With You”

Monday, June 25, 2018

Lesson 359 ~ The Force Is With You~

Thirty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, because despite all this hate and everything else love continues to exist and no I don’t believe love is “The Force” it is not one emotion or even several, it is something much more? According to Star Wars which I am an avid fan of The Force is an energy field that connects all living things and is generated by living entities… I believe that more than any God.

I am not a religious man though I did have a period in my life when I sought out God though I mistook that for what I truly desired and that Madam Justice is power in all forms though there are some I value higher than others. “Indiana Gone” and “Okay” might argue that I favor “The Light Side” goodness, knowledge, empathy, compassion, but hatred, fear, anger, desire is more of “The Dark Side,” and I can’t avoid it. Last night was an example, I was so tired, but it was lusting for something, rather than love for myself that kept me going a while.

It all comes down to energy and mine is at its highest levels when I feel hate, when I’m hot as Hell, have you ever been afraid Madam Justice, that is the force being with you, and while fear can be a weakness considering how long I have survived it can be a fantastic strength. The same might know acknowledgment for sex, that desire can infuse you with such power always to do what you wish regardless of anything else; it gives you what it takes to win. In a word, FIRE, sometimes it warms you, you can use it to burn others, it may even consume you, but every fire needs something to keep it going, when you’re all alone it takes little, in the darkness you need the light, and when fire surrounds you, either blend in or shine brighter than ever before.

“If you want to take the island you need to burn the boats.” —Tony Robbins

Now as I said, I am not a man of faith but do you want to know what The Force is, to me it’s getting up every morning and doing this for damn near a year, writing every day and for what? With everything that has happened, it is something that says this can be different; I do not want to live this way, I do not have to die this way, not if I am with The Force and The Force is with me Madam Justice, I must remember The Force Is With You.

“I’m one with the Force, and the Force is with me.” Chirrut Îmwe, Rogue One

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

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I’ve never pictured myself making it to Heaven and anybody that ticks me off certainly ain’t that righteous because if you get your rocks off torturing someone like me… anyway another story. Going To Hell, Them First as it should be ha

Monday, April 16, 2018

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

Twenty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, it’s this hate, you know me Madam Justice, I don’t want to hurt anybody when I walk out the door, noted I’m always ready for a war with a few choice individuals but live and let live. So I go to the movies last night, just trying to order some snacks and these four women start pointing and laughing at me like I’m some big joke, nobody else just them.

That’s the problem, like with any disease you don’t want to do damage to what’s right and healthy but the virus, the bad only wishes to infect every single part of what is the best of us. I’m not Cancer Madam Justice, I know what you’re thinking, even though if I were one for reincarnation I would like to be a virus, a zombie sickness if I may be ever so specific. If anything I’m wounded and all I want to do is heal, but people like my boss, like those stupid women, that janitor, that bitch poke me, they won’t stop, they want to know. If you keep poking at a wound what happens, as Morgan would put it, “you know what it is” you know I’m sure right?

Still, I don’t die though everyone does, only you outlive your enemies, not friends… that is honestly going in my rules, but the thing is for a guy like me, hate cannot know such distance, not if I am going to be a part of this world. I hate my father and how many years has it been, I hate that girl, and it’s day two-hundred and eighty freaking nine and who knows if she’s given me a second thought. Again I don’t want to hurt anybody, so I suffer, and they live, but one of the reasons I continued to live and write is because one day I have faith I won’t be the only one here; I shouldn’t be the first at all.

If you told me I could let go of my hate and go to Heaven I could and in less than twenty-four hours it would find me again because that’s what people do, we hate, we instill hate. Another one of my rules states “Hate Will Keep You Alive,” and I don’t want to die. So I don’t suppose that I will see Hell for a long time, I’ve learned Going To Hell, Them First.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 263 ~Every Sweet Refrain Repeats~

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How often do I go to work without my headphones, why do I fight so hard when the stereo in my car is acting up, there’s plenty to hear, and plenty I wish I could just turn off, but those things are from music. “Every Sweet Refrain Repeats.”

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Lesson 263 ~Every Sweet Refrain Repeats~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today, no matter what my favorite song tells me and that’s not a crime is it, to be in love with a song, in this case being “Easy Street,” such sweet torture for other people that is. There are some songs that you can’t get out of your head and then there are others that are just asking for a power drill to the temple; no worries though, didn’t you ever wonder why I named you Inspector Echo?

Now I’m not talking about songs like “Pjanoo (Club Mix),” did you think something like that would make me ashamed, hell the only problem with that is I don’t need another gay guy hitting on me. How easy was that to say, music speaks and I listen and when it comes to actual people trying to talk to me… perhaps that is another sin for today; I don’t want to listen to people and talk about being picky, to paraphrase Much Ado About Nothing “God match me with a good singer!” To think this was once my greatest sin the belief that I was ever a good singer I sang in the church choir I screwed up verses, I sang with the kids instead of my age bracket when I was a teen. I stayed an alto for far too long and dare I sing now, just because I want too maybe, shall I try?

How about my hatred of music, now that Inspector Echo, is indeed a crime but as they say hate is easily a teaching tool often. So I have my father to thank on behalf of my mother, and for once I wasn’t profiteering, but “No Charge” from Shirley Caesar was playing and let’s just say I despised that woman until U Name It. Speaking of women, I despise; another song that makes me truly ashamed is “Something Just Like This” every time I hear it the word “skeevy” echoes in my mind and to add insult to injury “Oops (Oh My)” and that’s because I was just that. Now “Sexy” from Peter Cincotti was in the movie Straight A’s To XXX and is this only song on this list that doesn’t make me cringe, but it gives me deliciously devilish, dirty, depraved desires for Haley Pullos and other pretty ladies.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo for using music as a crutch, for using it to torture and be tortured, for my pain and shame, for my hatred of it, for the memories, and that there is so much more but as the song goes Every Sweet Refrain Repeats.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

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I’ve learned you don’t have to make sense, I’ve learned that being a man means I’m usually wrong and strangely enough I needed God to tell me that, by the way, do you think he has a missus? “Learned From The Best,” a world full of women and all.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, or at least I have forgotten some, though I do wonder if I had more fears then than now, I think it has to be the latter. Haven’t you ever wondered why I call these conversations with you, the other girls and myself lessons; if anything I might as well be keeping a journal as one of the characters in Stephen King’s “It,” and speaking of fears I haven’t forgotten, *sigh* clowns.

Girls are less scary, I don’t remember getting spankings from my mom, grandmas, great grandmas, the worst beatings I remember were all from men but the physical pain has nothing on the mind. I think I told you or maybe I didn’t, who knows, anyway when I was in the fourth or the fifth grade, I smacked a girl on the ass and as far as I know, she liked it, and plenty of people congratulated me, but my father threatened to beat my ass. Is this going to turn into a defense of my father, he cheated on my mom so I think I’m decent there and I have said my mother taught me to be a gentleman at least to a certain degree.

“We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.” ― Tyler Durden, Fight Club (1999)

Don’t get me wrong Inspector Echo, if you want to know who indeed taught me to hate myself I can talk about my father forever, but today during one of my frozen moments of regret and shame, I remembered when I was a little kid and I was at a store. I wasn’t trying to be gross or skeevy (I’ll never forget) I was just trying to find a place to hide and to play, and I ended up seeing this girl, and her mom nearly killed me on the spot. When I was in church, they had this tradition or something of the Tom Thumb Wedding, and everyone was like I should marry this girl Jeanette… it never happened.

You have to forgive me Inspector Echo, I wanted to explain why it was girls that turned me “icky” and I probably will at some point but long story short it was women themselves that warped my perception of women. I’m sorry I’m the one that’s icky now or perverted, depraved, skeevy and all that. Though I’ve never cheated on one, never hit one, besides my sister (childhood), and that I still can’t get over some past misdeeds, but you know, Learned From The Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

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I’m a lot of things, to a few I am even a man if not The Man, and those few times I look in the mirror or how I feel, I know it. Only humans can be so annoying, we can be loved and hated but what’s worse hmm? What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

Monday, February 19, 2018

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

Twentieth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore though time has passed since I was fear itself; when I was in school my slogan was, the best thing to have is love, if not then be liked, at least be respected, barring that be invisible, and if all else fails, be feared. Another day, another school shooting, well a few days ago so maybe I shouldn’t knock hate, at least hatred makes sense or insanity but to just not matter, to cease to be, that’s indifference, that’s Hell.

“You don’t think I’m ordinary?”

“You couldn’t be ordinary if you tried.”

“Thank you. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being ordinary.” American Beauty

Now how can anyone hate words, but “interesting” I find lazy but “whatever,” is the worst just edging out “just kidding” because whatever to me eliminates an idea? Yes I know I’m guilty of using all three but the last time I used all of the above I still talk to the person daily, like, love, and hate can be the most exhausting things ever. What about silence, at work my first amendment rights are being curtailed and telling people that you honestly don’t care, hell I don’t talk to my family and vice versa, but again I am exhausted.

Hating though is one thing, to hate means you once cared, even if it was a Luke Skywalker moment of wanting to kill Kylo Ren, but once there is nothing left to love, hate, or fear, you’re capable of doing the most monstrous of things. Better to feel too much than too little isn’t that what they say and that’s also the problem, people trying to tell each other how to feel. When you do that to someone they feel as though they’re not understood and when they aren’t being heard then what is the point of speaking at all?

Another reason I put such value in words, for someone that hates most people, thank goodness, I do see the importance of communication, as in my dog, but solitude is also a blessing. Hate can destroy but I think it’s the moment that we cease to care, a time when a person is seen not as a human being or less than what they are, and they know speaking, crying, screaming won’t help they are made indifferent and notably dangerous.

“Can’t even shout.
Can’t even cry.
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows,
knocking on doors…
They need to take seven
and they might take yours…
Can’t call to mom.
Can’t say a word.
You’re gonna die screaming,
but you won’t be heard.” Hush

So love if you can, like, respect, and if somebody chooses to be invisible, take it as a blessing, because the moment everything is lost including hate, there is but indifference, and the return of fear and goodness knows I hate, lust, I feel shame. What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I Will Have No Fear