Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

I go back and forth between remembering everything and trying to forget, it’s a thin line between love and hate as the song goes but for now, I just want to forget last night but when and how? “An Ancient Willie Secret”, and I forgot him too

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, at least there wasn’t when I sat in “alternative” school until the police came, or the time I hadn’t eaten for three days, slowly starving myself, or even the time things were said and I discovered what she really thought of me. The art of forgetting is an ancient secret, I forget it as soon as the deed as done but after last night I could surely use it now and remind me to write it down… if I’m here.

“Sharing is caring. Privacy is theft. Secrets are lies.” ― Dave Eggers, The Circle (2013)

This is one of those times, I really have to debate what to tell you Lady Lu, we should be safe here, trust me I’m trying to rally the funds but of course, that’s not what this is about. I did something last night and I could tell you but honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll be here should I ever gather the courage… no, I’m not thinking suicide again but I could be in trouble which gets me back on topic. We talked yesterday about turning your back on the problem or whining about something while people are so much worse off than me.

So you want to know how I forget, I read until early in the morning and when I can’t keep my eyes open anymore I disappear into the sheets. I demand everything to be clean “cleanliness is next to Godliness” or so they say, it’s as if to say if my environment is clean my body, my books balanced, everything in its proper place, then perhaps my mind won’t be nearly as filthy. What about going back to Co-Ed Confidential ‘vote with your crotch’ how often have I told you I’m lost, your mind can trick you, your heart can be broken, and let’s not get started on guts but your naughty bits always know what they want, don’t they.

Remember when Playboy was as secret as it got, R.I.P. Hugh Hefner; Playboy is a way of life but we all still have secrets. Maybe, Luna, that’s how I do it every time, I reinvent myself, I have talked about hitting rock bottom but Heaven has spheres, Hell has circles and I just crash through level upon level, destroying myself so that I can keep these secrets and still stand.

So what have I learned today, it’s been nearly twelve hours since another sin, no police at the door but maybe today or tomorrow, probably might survive these days of sapphire, hell this could all be in my mind. Secrets are heavy Lady Lu and if I forget what has happened by some miracle it will still be there but I keep surviving but how, why An Ancient Willie Secret.

“So you have to care about yourself.

You don’t have to believe your life is precious, but that all life is precious.

You have to redirect those thoughts, the history that tells you otherwise.

What we’ve done, we’ve done.

We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.

To make up for it.

To still accept what we were.

To accept everyone.

To protect everyone.

And in doing that, protect yourself.

To create peace.” Here’s Not Here, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

All work and no play, but what about some work and sitting on my behind, which is actually sort of perfect since I have been behind for quite some time now. “Playing God, Good, Guy” better than being a rock but what else could I be doing, try reading

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe disappointment, maybe depression, somewhat dejection but no fear which if this was my “Blackjack Scale” would probably be a five and no don’t hit me. I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up and for what more time, what have I been doing today though it feels good to have a clean inbox.

I’ve been catching up on TV for the most part and actually had decent food, didn’t I tell you that dinner went okay and that usually means not killing myself with something undercooked and actually having leftovers to look forward to. Any day I’m not sleeping the day away in bed… took a nap on the couch and nearly gave into temptation, not that anyone would care to be honest. Isn’t that what this is all about, thinking that someone cares when at the end of the day, it would just be so easy to just let this all go.

It’s what reminded me of the book, “The Hauntings of Playing God” a title that didn’t disappoint but I have plenty of authors that seem to be counting on me. While I have no problem telling people to f* off, I still hate letting people down if there is such a task that I have set my mind to and I am always my worst critic, though YouTube begs to differ, only that’s just me being invisible once again. What do they say, flattery will get you nowhere and what about criticism, if love is an open door, then a few bad words are like an invading force, that leaves nothing left behind to see.

Not that I’m burning my work down to the ground this time, though besides talking to you today what else have I done, what else is there left to do? This just gets me back to why I need a break as if I haven’t had enough of those just falling into the endless abyss.

It makes me question have I ever truly hit rock bottom or experienced true freedom though I can tell you about a time or two back in high school and of course when I was out walking the streets for a few. So what have I learned today, other than I should be playing if not working, or always so exhausted that I’m passed out as I’m dreaming, of course, I’m Playing God, Good, Guy?

I Will Have No Fear

New World Tours

A Whole New World meets Things You See In A Graveyard, I suppose someday the two will mesh at the rate things are going. New World Tours… I am no prophet or real estate agent but as the song goes come and take a walk with me.

As in welcome to the desert of the unclear
No wonder I can’t deal
A shattered king, nowhere to start
Perhaps a wherefore art
Some person, some place, something
Of course leading to nothing
Yet I walk and you follow
Will it be better tomorrow?

The light brings its doom
Here I thought you knew
Such wicked by and by
You know the fire inside
Which thus consumed the world
And the tale of the pretty girl
Now I plead the fifth
Let’s get on with it

But what’s left to be done
From a walk to a run
Imagine the moment of extinction
Still I look for distinction
For here I am alive
Wish I could say I tried
Pushing buttons and turning tables
Courageous failure or cowardly able

Because if you lived here
Would that be weird?
You’d be home by now
How would you live… how?
You’re not one of us
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Converted and born again
To die the first time friend

Does that mean I’m not dead at all
Rock bottom… a further fall
Or it could be a climb
This grave is not mine
Though I see the graveyard
Our world’s been torn apart
Are you still unsure?
I will give you a tour

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.