Episode 178 ~A Professional Eraser Will~

Writer’s Block, yeah in a way because I have no clue what I was thinking today and then we had yesterday, I broke out of my place, got into a present, and of course cracked open one more book, and became someone else, sigh. A Professional Eraser Will

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Episode 178 ~A Professional Eraser Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well when I was in school, I had a friend they called SKINS, don’t ask me why, that memory sigh deleted, erased… but I don’t think it was because he was “hitting the skins,” anyway he wanted to be a hitman, an eraser. The things young men think about and in so doing since I can be anything I want even at my age I decided that I wanted to be a writer and that in itself is sin number one.

Now, this is more Lady Sophia’s barrel of laughs, but there is not a doubt in my mind that writing is what I’m meant to do so sin number two, what have I been doing all day besides sleeping… anyway living out my purpose has led to two things. For a third sin I don’t recognize who I am most days, hell in my last story we have a brothel owner, wolf boy, a MILF doctor, and inspirations from MOLD. My fourth sin is overthinking, the “man” talking to you now with the stomachache, the kid on his lap, and who is hyped up on an energy shot is the same one who is slamming his head on a steering wheel on Christmas morning yesterday.

“Cogito Ergo Doleo” I Think Therefore I Suffer, how many people do I know speak Latin but it’s not going anywhere and don’t I want to be immortal as a writer and yet my words are probably sitting in some old church lady’s glove box, in police reports, my name in some girl’s blog. So what is today’s point; well you’ve heard me talk about my “White Wall Theory” you know, scribbling on my skull, reading books, and of course, writing, and in one way I’m “trying” to erase myself, write over it, lose myself between the lines of “code.” Which leads to my fifth sin, my Motivations are saying that everything you want lies on the other side of fear and so I ask instead of erasing, editing, E-reading, who I am or want to be, shouldn’t I break?

The wall I mean, hell Trump should have hired me because I have built something that keeps out everything and keeps me in an asylum and wondering why the outside is so scary or even who do I think I’m protecting? Hell, “Indiana Gone” bought me the Zombie Survival Crate from Man Crates and if that doesn’t show the man I honestly am, a survivor of the DEAD, the Dominant, a Devil in disguise, but breaking into that crate was far quicker than saying I’ll Break The Walls Down when I rather apologize for all of my weakness Inspector Echo.

I am sorry for my profession and wasting it, for losing myself and hastily rebuilding myself with my overthinking, and keeping all of my fears inside or using them against a wall I can’t break, no A Professional Eraser Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

This is pretty much my status quo, rambling on about anything and nothing but at least I get to see myself do and read how crazy I was but I survive. Resilience, the word just seems to be my nature, taking everything and just holding on because.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, you know the expression your body is a temple… yeah, mine is more a dystopian wasteland that I’ve just learned to navigate, and windows the windows are clean and aren’t broken. My eye exam went off without a hitch, no better, no worse, just about the same thankfully.

“You’re in love. Have a beer.

Oh, my body’s a temple.

Well, now it’s an amusement park.” – Hellboy II

About the same, in pretty much all circumstances that’s a win, hell in most parts of the world, maintaining the status quo is all that ever matters. I’ve told you that I can’t really afford better or to take such risk and yet I want Braxton to be better, but that’s what parents do with their children right. We want them to have it better than we ever did, though I’ll outlive Braxton, so it appears that way, considering species.

The thing is not so much that we are okay but that we “fake it till we make it” I’ve always hated that saying but we have to be okay because the world won’t have it any other way. Why does the world make us try so hard because we can’t bear to see another in pain… please, we see that all the time and yet I can’t stand to watch those sad commercials with animals. I even thrive on seeing how much we can take, I want to know how much a person can take and keep on wanting me, just on the fact that I do nothing and people don’t want me around.

“Now say it! You’re going to be okay. Say it! You’re going to be okay! Say the goddamn words. You’re going to be okay!

Oh, god!

Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!

I’m okay, Larry

Correct! Correct.

I’m okay.” – from Reservoir Dogs (1992)

I told, “Indiana Gone” we are constantly saying we’re sorry but what else can we do, it’s up to the person to survive even if we intervene. We’re survivors Luna, at the end of the day we just keep going and I can only wonder what we would do if we were free of this.

Allowed to be crazy, allowed to crack, to fall to pieces, to give into the madness, the thought is rather appealing wouldn’t you say. I remember that reality show “Solitary” where one of the contestants said it was like living out what it would be like to live in an insane asylum for a time.

Anything you would do would be a result of your condition, out here I don’t talk and I’m considered crazy, in an institution, I’d still be crazy but more to the point it would be just plain normal. It is such a hassle to just hold it all together for as long as I have to, you wonder why I don’t know who I am, Lady Lu, I am just that damn good, I have to hide from everyone including myself. You know I thought I’ve been writing about a certain subject for a few days now but maybe I’m just trying to escape myself.

These walls are resilient though, too strong, too thick, this body may be a stick my mind is a fortress and as I said all that slips out is the occasional flood of tears or the miasma that normal clouds my mind. It’s the only way I survive, the only way I know how and I can see the writing on the wall and you know what it says, break here, find a way to smash through, however, I can. Now I’m not saying resilience is all bad, some things must remain standing if you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything isn’t that right.

You just have to think that Atlas wants to put the world down from time to time and if I could give him a breather with all the heaviness in my mind and heart, so much the better. Let everything just come crumbling down and then just see what happens you know, what comes next.

I’m not the only my friend, now normally, you and I don’t discuss “politics” I’m more an embrace the madness, watch the world burn, as I said I only seek to maintain equilibrium for me and Braxton but the rest of the world is starting to crack or stand, I can’t really say right now. White Supremacists, Neo Nazis, KKK, and everything else, the world they thought of is normal is collapsing and now they are taking a stand, of course, I’m on the other side, such a world never benefited everybody else, so these, Supremacists should fall by the way side to be sure.

Hate though Luna is as resilient as anything, why I’m still writing whatever is proof of that, so how do you break it down? I actually looked up that movie “The Women of Brewster Place” yeah I know I’m awfully strange but I was remembering that last scene when they broke down the wall. Anyway do I become more resilient to keep surviving, less and crumble into a mess, I have no earthly idea.

If anything I have been trying to break down some, be more open, we have been talking about this forever but today was my first day out in about three, you know with people, I have to start back going out every day. Sad to say I have lost a bit of that drive, back to day one as it is and what about “The Day”, speaking of which did I almost forget about “M Anime” and getting her a present, and what about Indiana Gone telling me to name something I want. The world is just one big rock and we have to roll along, not that I mind so much in this instance today.

What did I learn today other than the fact I’ll get to watch the world keep burning and maybe I will see the moment when I finally become something more? You know maybe I don’t need to break the wall down, I just need to rise above it, yeah if I can build something with just as much Resilience.

I Will Have No Fear

Write Walls and Cages

The mind has the skull, the tongue is behind teeth, and the heart is behind bars and I realize that it is a good reason for all of that. “Write Walls and Cages” why are my fingers still out on bail or today they serve as jailers just maybe.

Can’t you keep it down
Now I’d say something dumb
but pride comes before the fall
and for that crime
we were doing the time
for all the things he thought he knew when we were young
insane in the membrane
He’s how I got my start

Only you played your part
You’re the one that brought our shame
For running your tongue
crossing every damn line
Are you that blind?
Won’t take your blame is all,
worse you’re a no good lazy bum
letting the fingers pound

Wait a minute maybe we weren’t the ones
No, no, no, “it’s” the one to blame
Damn the heart
Who knows what he’ll find
For dollars, no sense, but then some DIME
Maybe we shouldn’t be so loud
He lives in a cage but um
That’s why he can’t read the writing on the wall

You were meant to be confined
Why must we remind

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