High Off Confession

Gripes are supposed to go up, not down, so why do people get low, why do people get high, strangely enough, I was neither writing this, angels aren’t real right but people have airplanes. High Off Confession, would I really need a priest for this one

What goes good with confession?

Perhaps a side of God?
If my words could reach so high…
But would I rather keep my secrets,
to make my regrets the sod

with so many tear stained letters
that I ask, can you stop the rain
cause I’m leaving on a jet plane?
Only you’re the jet setter
A new profession;

and with my warmest regards
or sincerely
However, may I say it clearly?
Louder as my heart breaks apart
the question

can you, will you, will she?
No erase
when she pressed delete
That’s my prerogative but her discretion

Not the wind, the speed, the sky’s color or hue
even the air to breathe
someone get me a priest
for if I am to drown on a word or two
this concession

To live loud, slamming doors,
fist, the beating of my heart
Maybe a confession is not so smart
selfless, brave, honest or kind, anymore,
better my impression

of the sound of silence
Regain the spirit of the caveman
wondering not how any man
learned to fly, speak, or become giants
Yes, my regression

Because with my confession
would come another transgression

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 018 ~Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less~

One of my friends often talks about my raw emotion, my raw passion, maybe I’m just trying to scrape myself raw of everything and somehow keep myself. Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less or how I have been changing the world

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Lesson 018 ~Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less~

Hey there Lady Luna,
Maybe it was that moment when I wrote a word down and didn’t have any idea what it meant and my aunt said “that’s your name”, maybe it was when I wrote that story about turkeys taking over the planet, how about the story that is somewhat dusty on the shelf. I’m my own worst critic Luna, we both know this, there is not a moment that goes by that I believe I can make it, so why do I do it hmm, why do I write anything, my friend?

“You want me to beg? Okay, I’ll beg. This is the only thing I know I am good at! Don’t take that away from me!” Best of the Best (1989)

Three bloggers liked “Some Things Can’t Be Erased”, do you know how I felt when I found out people liked my book reviews because they don’t like anything else of mine, okay about nine liked “Mime No More”. Amazon let the review on without a second thought, Goodreads, WordPress, Facebook, nobody stopped me, and I really thought, why would they you know, did I do anything wrong? How often that thought pops into my head, did I do anything wrong, am I defective, am I a mistake, you know about “the day” the one we don’t talk about because it’s the biggest regret of my entire life and it’s not even my fault at all.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
― from Ayn Rand

A friend asked me about why I write book reviews and personally it’s not my favorite thing in the world but okay one, a few authors have come to me asking for reviews and while I don’t think for a second that I’m special, again I want to write myself so I can understand helping them. Next, the books that no one asked for I suppose, keep me busy, I like talking about books and about my feelings towards them, seriously if someone just wants facts or hands no emotions why bother? Lastly, as I said, of anything I write nowadays I know my reviews are read, maybe even liked to a certain extent and I like that feeling of knowing that I’m a part of the universe, for one time in my life Luna I’m not invisible, I matter.

So why do I feel this way today, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and today at work, the managers asked am I happy and I said no comment, why, because I would never stop screaming. I need to learn how to expect and to accept criticism because it’s going to come; Lady Lu if I have anything to say about it, I have to believe it will come and as Michael Jackson put it, I’m starting with the man in the mirror… okay well, maybe not me first.

“You need structure. Yeah? You need discipline.

Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me. Don’t give up on me, Dad.” American Beauty (1999)

I suppose my “father” did try, without a doubt he was the first one to tell me that I didn’t matter; do you know I was so scared of him when I was a child I would write notes about everything rather than face him. Maybe that’s what this is you know, I write notes to the world and then when I face rejection, it just tears me apart, let’s take this morning for example.

“Although it’s understandably cathartic when you find something that resonates with you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise- sometimes you have to ask yourself whether or not this is the right venue to write a monolog about it. This is one of those times. You’re not sick, as there is an entire industry supporting this exact genre. Sometimes things are just as simple as wanting to give up a measure of control (or seizing it) as a form of escape. This is also one of those times. Live outside your head more, dude. And for goodness sake, find some more open consensual adults to explore all aspects of your sexuality with. Seriously.”

‘A military man, especially a commander should keep a journal. After he’s gone, it’s the only real defense against the slander that later arises.” – General Bethlehem, The Postman (1997)

Okay, I have asked myself is this the right venue and I have decided that yes, it is, because it’s mine, Amazon, Goodreads, WordPress, Facebook along with a host of others have made it so. I agree with the ideas of both control and escape and again, I have questioned myself and again I have decided that my writing is a form both of control and also of escape as well. For now, I will live my life as I see fit even if that place is my own mind and as far as “consenting adults”, never in my life have I been with someone not consenting as you seem to be suggesting, yeah seriously.

“1) I hardly think a multi vitamin and some shit for my hair, skin, and nails constitutes “medicating” so I’m not worried at all about it.

2) I feel as though you look far too deep into what I write. I have a high pain tolerance, this has nothing to do with BDSM. “I look to my left” turns into a sensual song. Like, dude. No. I’m just looking at the sunrise. Nothing deeper than that. It skeeves me out that every comment written on here by you has something sexual included. This blog is not like that. Your comments and readership are respected and appreciated but the subject matter of what I write and will discuss are far different than what you write and wish to discuss. A lot of the things you say via comment are highly inappropriate. Not all, but a lot.”

Okay, Luna, I was trying to confront my demons on here, the first one was rather easy but the second one that “1-2” combo was from “Miss Girl for All Seasons” and even now I’m disgusted at myself for making her feel that way about me. I’m angry that I hurt our “friendship” like that, I’m angry that I can’t get over it, and I’m angry at her just in general. The point is Luna that words can build us up and knock us down just as easily as any brick, stone, or any amount of money, hell when I was writing my novel, each and every word is like building a whole new world.

“It’s time to change the world, kids. Here’s the blueprint” Messiah by Dead Celebrity Status

I don’t want to be like one of those people that answers, I’m only trying to touch one person because I’m too damn greedy and do I want fame and fortune… I wouldn’t say no to it. There was a time when I figured girls like the flowery stuff and they do if you have the face to go with it but the question is why do I write now.

“I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you – Valerie” V for Vendetta (2005)

A history teacher told me that history is written by the victors, yeah we’ve been over this because I said I think history is written by the survivors. In another book, a man said, we tell these stories, we write them down so no one can say they didn’t happen, there will be a record, of course, he was talking about accounts of the Holocaust.

So why do I write Lady Lu, I write to understand, myself, everything in between, and the girl I’m hoping to find someday because I rather not lie; I write fiction sometimes but I never lie. I write because there has to be a beginning, there has to be a place that I can say, yes this is where it started and now that I know where it began, here’s the present, and I can start writing my future. Luna these words come because in the universe I reside in, no place exists, do you think I could tell my breathing therapist this, my “friends” won’t understand and in words I can create a universe that can never be real, seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul, yeah the meaning of life once before.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me.
—Ruth Mendenberg”
― Carol Matas, After the War

“There’s the secret of life. People change people. No matter what I teach you in here, learning from the people you care about is more important than the words on any page.” Girl Meets World

I don’t agree Mr. Matthews, that’s what I say to this Luna, words will always matter and I don’t like to think I care about the whole world, all I learned from the Amazon commenter and Miss Girl for All Seasons is that I’m wrong, I’m bad and while Miss Seasons has a valid point considering her own work I don’t have to talk to her anymore. No It’s you and me Luna, and yeah a few billion dollars would be nice but that’s another reason we’re friends, because I’m sick of being told I’m wrong, I’m sick of being told to go away, I’m sick of being unwanted, I hear that enough of when I leave my bed. Why do I write Luna, because that my dear was never an option in my case, in that moment I wrote my own name writing is who I truly was.

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?” John Keating, Dead Poets Society

I’m not getting religious on you Luna but wasn’t God lonely and so he created the world and while most of the world loves him/her/it some version there are people who still say no and for some reason that leaves him heartbroken? Talk about power, you see it isn’t just me except I’m not trying to cram myself down everyone’s throat, I know where to stop but someday I want to be everywhere, that’s the dream. I’ve never been a guy for just one, I mean one girl sure, one dog because Braxton is greedy, and while I dream of being in the one percent I know all too well the power of the people.

“I make mistakes but learn from every one
And when it’s said and done
I bet this Brother be a better one
If I upset you don’t stress, never forget
That God isn’t finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes I go blind and let the Lord do his thang” – Ghetto Gospel

I want to change the world Lady Lu, and it was the words on the page that got them to respond, to wreck my world and to fire me up to begin anew. People change people but I never got as close as the words did and while I respect Twitter my Blueprint, 140 Characters or Less… nope, I’m going to need some more.

“And I could still draw. Nothing had lessened it as much as I had abused it, abandoned it. It was a gift, and it was still mine. And everything else was less real. What can it mean? That picture of the world. But when it’s true, we recognize it in ourselves, in others. We recognize it, like love, completely undeserved.” – Finn Bell, Great Expectations (1998)

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

While the bombs fall, or maybe I would rather fall flat on my face again or into some whole in the ground because my heart is just that big maybe. The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb, I’m not exactly the one to figure that out

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

Hey Lu,

I hope you don’t think me a physicist, a psycho, or worse a man of the government; if anything women are a lot like bombs. Now I may never be ready to talk about the “Harmonic War” but I hope someday I will but last night I was thinking of another war, The Fall War or The War of Falling, not so great with names you think or am I?

You know a bomb has but one true purpose, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a word itself has over a thousand purposes. With one word you can stop a war, one word you can blow yourself or others to kingdom come, it’s a part of the whole and people often wonder why I remain silent. I’m scared Lady Lu, I’m scared of what I started or hell who knows, there might be nothing up there, then again…

So we live Luna, it doesn’t profit anyone to sit on my ass and do nothing but I still can’t tell you what happened after the “Harmonic War” short of the burning embarrassment, then the freeze out by friends and my own memories, and then coming back from the rubble. In a way that was the luxury, I think there was back then, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, there was only me. I didn’t worry about how much damage was done, I didn’t have to think about the yield, I just took the hit and even then I didn’t have the guts to look in the end.

As I told you yesterday it’s always the aftermath that ends up beating me, that could, would, and should of the matter but did I listen, no I shouldn’t be sitting but I don’t have the good sense to shut up. Why am I though in certain aspects of my life, that book review, for example, I’ve been acting like some guy waiting for Jesus to return and I really need to cut down on my sinful nature may be.

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” – Ferris Bueller

You see Lady Luna that’s what I failed to do for the most part when the Harmonic War started, I challenged and when she fired back and she did, what was left of me just crawled into a hole in the ground, a nice grave. For all intents and purposes I might be worrying over nothing at all, who knows if she’s paying attention, what am I confessing yet again?

With the Harmonic War I had it coming, point blank period, I mean you want to talk about skeevy… am I ever going to get sick of that word, anyway yeah I was. You see Luna I wasn’t the first man and I definitely won’t be the last “TTB” of course I’m not going to explain that now but I was a bad man… I don’t know now whether I truly believe that or not. I knew I would always pay in one way or another but my world was effectively changed, at least for a little while by that H-bomb and then it ended.

As with the War of the Falling I truly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time, I antagonized the H-bomb but when it came to the A-bomb what was my purpose, what did I really want in the end? Three truths, I liked her, two I thought we were friends which is why I spent so much time commenting on her work “flirting” as it were, and okay I like seeing girls all hot and bothered, pushing their buttons. I pushed the wrong one, didn’t I Luna, and now here I am thinking it’s the end of the world but I’m not running away, indeed where is there to run to anyway?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

To this day I still feel bad about both, whether years ago or six days, I never wanted to be that man, and I wish I could take it all back but isn’t that just it. Once that bomb is in the air and it’s coming down it must fulfill its purpose, it must do what it was created for.

A bomb doesn’t care, a woman doesn’t care and I know what I must sound like forgetting all the lessons that I’ve read, not mine Luna, I’m an idiot. If I could do it all over again I would have hugged her goodbye (less awkwardly) wished her a nice life and let that be over.

“They say before you start a war
You better know what you’re fighting for”
Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab
Again I could be worrying over nothing, they say to live each day as though it were your last but didn’t I say I’ve been living right these past few days. I’ve been doing everything from freezing up again to preparing myself to keep my eyes wide open and take whatever is going to happen. I did hear from another friend today and apparently, she doesn’t think I’m as “skeevy” then again what goes down in the DM… is friendly banter.

What do you do when the world is ending… a friend and I had this discussion on one of our movie nights, end of the world genre and during “4:44 Last Day on Earth” besides agreeing that was the worst choice of a movie, we also agreed we would have bigger plans on what we would like to do. At this moment because it certainly isn’t the end of the world but now I would tell the woman I offended I was sorry, again because I am and I was wrong. If not that I want to thank her because if it wasn’t for her this new fire inside me wouldn’t exist, how much have I done because some pretty divorcee hurt my feelings?

It really doesn’t matter what the difference is to anyone that finds themselves under the bomb, they see it okay, they don’t well that’s okay too. For now, the lesson for today is the reason bombs are dropped at all and we both know why that is Lady Lu because, in all of this evolution, I know men are idiots.

Written If Not by Cupid

How do they write the love stories, the love poems, the songs… ever get that feeling that there is something everyone else knows and you’re just not getting? I’ve imagined my first, well… everything; how that might change me. Written If Not by Cupid.

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDstJE0u0zU

And love is written by…
well, all of the rest
The girl who lost her dress
Perhaps the boy who asked why
My, my, my
How some have confessed
But when I love you… I don’t want to guess
Yet together we lie

I love you
is defined by the man I hope to be
not the man you see
who would have you, love me like you do
Only if you are the girl I hope you are
My love when do we start

Our love story

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: ???, Johnny Gill “My, My, My”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, and Sia “My Love”