Tag: Desire

Log 245 ~Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite~

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One more story so I can pretend to be a writer, I can say I have more time, but if I don’t do anything with it, and I’m starting back listening to my motivations as if I believe I will be inspired. Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite

Monday, March 2, 2020

Log 245 ~Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite~

Hundred And Twenty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or so I pretend as such. You know Madam Justice, I’ve never been a fan of that saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Well, my motivations say otherwise. The law of attraction, positive affirmations, my current novella. At the moment, I’m unsure because sitting right here on this loveseat; I don’t have to pretend. The “dang” HUMMING is driving me crazy. In the shower this morning, I was breaking down, if you know what I mean. Going out into the world, I was scared to death.

As the song goes, “If I could be like that.” Again I think of my hero Dennis Hof. He was a Pimp, parent of a dog, and he penned a book. Two out of three right, Madam Justice? Sometimes I walk around like I’m a pimp, but as I’ve been saying a lot these days, things are falling apart. What about my story, am I giving up already? Last night I wanted to, no question. I’m three parts in, and I don’t know where I’m going. In chapter four, Minister Bridgeman is, of course, starting to give away his “holy man” ways duh. What about being a rich man at all? How much money did I send today, gorging myself? Didn’t I have a conversation about not spending money on a new Kindle and an HP Printer? Relax, I didn’t because even pretending to be reasonable is something else entirely.

I pretend to be, well, I’m not even a comedian anymore, I’m only the punchline. What’s sickening though is at the Day Job, I’m upset that I didn’t go in today. It’s (Saturday, February 29) LEAP DAY, which of course, I spaced on. Am I pretending to be a writer, Madam Justice? Getting back into my motivations, one says you’re either a writer or not. I’m not pretending to be a writer, but instead that anything I put down makes perfect sense. I’m living in the moment, and I don’t know what any of this means. My pretending is becoming real but only the worse things. If I may quote another song, “Why do the things I hate come so naturally.” One more reason I sleep all the time. But isn’t that, well “pretend that we’re dead.” I’m not suicidal.

When will I stop pretending Madam Justice, better yet how? Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 238 ~It Scares You, Do It~

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Is the BBQ that good, am I so concerned about a few extra cents in my bank account, and why I’m not afraid of the dark, I still hate driving at night, but then you ask how do I go out on dates. I’m the Beast, so where’s Beauty. “It Scares You Do It.”

Monday, February 24, 2020

Log 238 ~It Scares You, Do It~

Hundred And Twenty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that makes life a whole lot easier. Now I won’t lie to you Madam Justice, my “obsession” with money is a cover for FEAR. You know I’m always one to trade one vice for another. I choose LUST over WRATH. Let me have GREED over SLOTH. Last night I took to GLUTTONY over ENVY. Okay, so what about PRIDE. Madam Justice this leads me to today’s lesson, what am I afraid of; well everything but we don’t have that kind of time. While I was out though last night, I did have thoughts of “Rainbow Girl.”

You remember her, The Rainbow Girl. How I twice asked her out (online) to dinner and a movie. So there I was last night it’s been a full year since she blocked me, of course. Anyway, I’m picking up BBQ in the dead of night, and I can hardly breathe. What about Indiana Gone’s Wedding. I won’t say I love the girl, and in truth, I was angry. Madam Justice, I was mad I had to drive 750+ Miles to her wedding, facing highways, the FEAR of my Olds, and losing money. For some reason, though, I thought I was going to meet a girl. Let me tell you a story about Cherry. I work my Day Job; I have so many novels, poetry, a whole blog. Only I’m writing poetry and short stories for her Madam Justice. I’m reading her work because that’s what she wants. Oh, and how I listen to her about her greatest love of all.

Noticing a pattern, well, maybe not, but I was hungry last night, and I chose to eat well rather than grab a burger. I would go all out for a woman. An opportunity would temper my anger. I work harder rather than stay in bed, and yes, Madam Justice, I made my bed today. Women make me brave, but why not show any PRIDE? I cannot contain my FEAR, and I do not FEAR any woman. Well, except my Mom, she’ll kick my “butt” if I don’t vote. Remember to VOTE people; we must stop Trump and his legion of sycophants and Bloomberg too. What scares me Madam Justice is myself, my desires. My “Dom-Hood,” the dangerous disease called LOVE.

It scares me to be me, so what’s the rule, It Scares You, Do It.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 123 ~Writing To The Will~

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With all this writing on the brain, I didn’t have time to mention two of my greatest fears this morning; one more thing to be grateful for, but I’ll see how I feel around 10:00 AM only then I should find myself lost to my words. “Writing To The Will”

Friday, November 1, 2019

Log 123 ~Writing To The Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, I say to you, Happy NaNoWriMo. If I had all the money in the world, my writing isn’t going anywhere. Yes, I heard what I said, and with the chance of sounding like Trump, you know what I mean. I’m like Finn from Great Expectations, that’s the 1998 movie for those paying attention. Do you know how long I gave up writing only to come back to it? Well, this morning an hour late but Eric Thomas wakes up at 3:00 AM. My motivations say to wake up at 4:00 AM and to start the day with gratitude so.

I’m grateful that I haven’t awoken to an Ant Invasion. You know me far too well, Lady Sophia, the BUT is that it hasn’t been twenty-four hours even. In the kitchen, there’s already a box of ant killers, and I ordered more. Now that leads me to more gratitude as in Chinese food delivery and Walmart shopping. Okay, but I’m spending even more money because I don’t want to get it myself ever. I already told you it’s NaNoWriMo season, so why am I looking at a copy of Fallout 4? Today I’m expecting Far Cry 5, and you know I get Motion Sickness. Speaking of sickness, I’m thankful for non-recurring payments. Teen Starlet cut off my access, yay. Of course, they did that while I was in the process of downloading one more girl. Fifty-Nine in total, so I got most of who I wanted, so plenty of inspiration.

So like those witches, I started to talk about, but that was in another novel. What about the one I should be writing after our conversation. Whenever I decide to leave temptation, hell, I could have gotten a lot more sleep. Strangely that’s what this story might be saying. Only a little less sleep and a lot more Chronomentrophobia. Why is everyone I write about so much smarter, stricter, and even sexually adept? Am I trying to tell myself something? I say that about my dreams all the time, and last night it was about a marriage. Indiana Gone was also in it and a bag of Mesquite Barbecue Chips. Her faith and all the junk food I’m going to need to get this done. How about characters, protagonist, doctor, love interest, someone else, etc.

SIGH, Writing To The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 116 ~Those Who Will Tell~

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Last week around this time, I said I had no energy to tell my story because it was merely a cloud of fear surrounding me, and even sitting in bed back where I belong, there is still so much. Those Who Will Tell because it might not be me anymore

Friday, October 25, 2019

Log 116 ~Those Who Will Tell~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not a snitch. Now how I wish I knew where that no snitching rule came from anyway. How did I understand the meaning of the term BLACKMAIL by the time I was in first grade? Is this a terrible time to mention it’s one of my favorite genres in Hentai?

Well, no but then again the facts speak for themselves. Shusaku, Eisai Kyoiku, Kojin Taxi/Sex Taxi, The Blackmail Tomorrow Never Ends, etc. Okay, I’m calming down, today isn’t Friday, but I don’t dictate life. Only isn’t that precisely what I’m trying to do being a writer and all. I heard recently “They say life is a bitch, yeah, I know her.” Of course, that explains 90% of what I write if I’m indeed generous. So I have been too much for sharing recently. Hell, I even talked to my “father” a day or so ago about my Ma and her panicking. It’s hard to give words to those that refuse to listen, though I should adopt that NO attitude with more than my son. It wouldn’t help with what I’ve been going through recently, but that’s indeed why I write. Yes, too much, Lady Sophia.

Another email from Norton, I would feel flattered if I was more than a zero. I would tell whoever to quote another song, “It’s not easy to be me.” Every day I’m still learning about the man I am. Do I need to pull out all the reasons that I write? Winston Smith in 1984, talks about getting out his internal monologue. Maybe something to that effect. Nothing I could say will wash away the horrors I keep everywhere. Still, I desire the opportunity to explain rather than have a picture be my possible finale.

For example, if you look at me now, an old man typing in bed. My Firstborn is asleep on my knee while I’m surrounded by Hentai DVDs mostly. Yeah, I had to look up The Blackmail, and for a moment I thought it was lost or stolen. Now Lady Sophia, that’s the whole point of me “coming clean” tonight. It feels like the stories I want to tell are the targets of thieves. The hours I spend at the Day Job, some unknown hacker, the time I sleep away. Meanwhile, What am I publishing, not a damn thing, and I was too lazy to call (LANGUAGE). Those Who Will Tell

I Will Have No Fear

Log 109 ~The Stories, Will Tell~

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So many tales to tell and so little time or no energy because when you’re fighting fear; well, at least I can say I won, but what about tomorrow and the next day. What is my Firstborn doing; I hope he gets a chance to tell. The Stories, Will Tell heh

Friday, October 18, 2019

Log 109 ~The Stories, Will Tell~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that’s only one more story. You know how I am with my motivations, so I am grateful to be alive to tell them. Honestly, though, I don’t know what to say. Am I scared, humiliated, exhausted, all of the above and then some? I guess I can say I beat the bastard (Language). Now that particular fellow is FEAR, still waiting for round two. What about my Olds, I knew it was a matter of time before they called checking-in dammit (Language). There is also an email from dear Norton.

I’m too tired to go over any of that, Lady Sophia. Did I mention that I’m mad as Hell, but that’s no surprise? I forget things, I still carry hope, and even when I’m fighting back FEAR, I always screw up. Does it matter how you win a fight against your demons? It does when you have someone you care for, no doubt. I may hate my “old man,” but I could never picture him behaving as I did today. Only one more reason my Firstborn is safe and sound. Hell, my mother is talking to my father right now, and “my place” is a literal crime scene. What is it about people being into me and at the same time not? Again I always carry that hope, and yet I don’t have any condoms and no prospects. I am in my purest form right now, words and nothing else.

I wonder what Indiana Gone would think if she saw me now. I’m shivering, starving, and seeing ghosts. No, I’m not dead yet, but I did give it the good college try. The funny thing is I was trying to stay alive. Well, I did Yoda proud because I was doing that, I’m still right here. I should crack open “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” Now all I can remember is Day-Tight Compartments, but with everything today? I want to tell you everything, but this story is still in the making. Okay, if I had a list only for tonight, something like this:

  1. Find Food
  2. Answer M Anime
  3. Look Up Indiana Gone’s plans
  4. Play TWD and attempt to recover

I’ll have far too much time to worry, my son, my privacy, the journey here.

Makes me miss my foot hurting, The Stories, Will Tell

I Will Have No Fear

Log 102 ~Penning, Petting, Punching, Will~

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My week has been a punishing one, to say the least, when it should be a publishing one but shouldn’t they all be; you can tell that to the people I work for, wasn’t I supposed to be off today, nope. Penning, Petting, Punching, Will, I think

Friday, October 11, 2019

Log 102 ~Penning, Petting, Punching, Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now or at least pretending this is living. When’s the last time I even saw the Den, having confined myself to bed. In sickness and in health, but that’s more Indiana Gone’s thing at the moment. If I were getting married, I would love getting lost in a hotel room and a pretty little wife for a few days. Not sleeping, ha.

I can’t say I have been working on wedding vows ever. When I was walking my Firstborn today, I was working on political speeches. Once upon a time, I wished to be the Secretary of Defense. Hell my mentor, wasn’t only a Pimp but ran for office and won after death. In all honesty, if given such a choice though I would still be a provider of beautiful women than the President. You deal with people, but as I show, I do a lot for pussy (LANGUAGE). You know how I get with alliteration, and I haven’t been working on Pinterest. What about my terrific model search? I need to go ahead and publish the book first. I’m a writer even here in my bed because the car was again, very expensive. The pen is mightier than the penis, perhaps.

My Firstborn is quite understanding of my exhaustion. From sitting in waiting rooms to shopping for food, friends, and fighting spirit. The Day Job is wiping me out, but yeah I need the money. For the first time in some time, I can say I worked over forty hours. My motivations would say be grateful. Of course everyone else would add, hello this is America and welcome to it boy. My son, though, deserves extra petting with everything happening now.

Life is hard, which is simply a fact. Every day Lady Sophia it’s as if I am at war with myself fighting to be something more. All my motivations would say be yourself, and The Matrix shows know thyself. Now here I am writing, and I ask the question, do you see me changing or evolving at all. I could always check and see who I was at this time three years ago. If I’m honest I think it would hurt to see. Again life is hard, and the truth hurts, repeated lessons as always My Lady. I told Cherry, I’m a reflective gangbanger, quite often Penning, Petting, Punching, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 095 ~Will’s Choice Of Sentences~

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THEY say one of our biggest enemies is indecision, I know I have to take a breath before I push that publish key or confirm payment, so many others and then so many words have to follow, after. Will’s Choice Of Sentences

Friday, October 4, 2019

Log 095 ~Will’s Choice Of Sentences~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and yes, it still sounds better than a millionaire. How about the decision between let’s say Miranda Lawson and Ashley Williams? Here’s another one, Ashley Graham vs. Fiona Belli. Yes, Lady Sophia, I blame YouTube this morning. I’m still not getting up when I want to, but I was at Walmart to pick up groceries at 7:30 AM. Didn’t somebody once say that time cost money? What do words cost? When I had an English teacher trying to make me hate writing, I’d play a little game. While defining a word, each word would be the jail sentence in years. Definition, twelve words equals twelve years.

One of the reasons, unlike the President I’m careful with words. Every single one costs time, energy, and are ingrained on brains. I saw this girl that scared the hell out of me the other day. She wore a bikini, and a job site used her picture against her employment. I can only imagine what some of my words will cost me Lady Sophia. For example, I talked about Maitland Ward the other day. Don’t get me wrong I have adopted the Ayn Rand quote about Freedom. You know I was never able to finish one of her books. Anyway, my point is those words took time off my life. I’m not mad or anything honestly, but I’m wondering which is worse. Do I want to be ignored, or do I want to have an answer? Hell, I play hopscotch with that line on the daily. I don’t have any published books, but I have had this blog for two years and three months still.

What about my search for models? I didn’t know if I should post on Craigslist. Next thing I know, I get two more potentials, and one girl was perfect. Of course, I’m a beginner, only one man, and I can’t blame her for looking elsewhere. You know how much I respect women Lady Sophia. Okay, my poetry and novels might say otherwise. I did have this idea of making my next protagonist female though. Didn’t I talk about NaNoWriMo starting soon? I write stories and can’t define words like FEAR, MAN, STUPID, UGLY, shall I continue. No, because I need to have motivation as always. I’m reading, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,” now.

Time, Will’s Choice Of Sentences.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 088 ~Pressing Matters For Will~

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Not so worried about today as I am tomorrow, sort of a make or break moment and what will it lead to, more words and when those words are said, written, typed, will I be free, happy, or only stuck, so much on the way. “Pressing Matters For Will”

Friday, September 27, 2019

Log 088 ~Pressing Matters For Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, but I wanna be a Billionaire as the song goes. It’s as easy as pressing a button at the Day Job today. A Revelation if you will; also it’s my favorite book in the Bible. No, I haven’t cracked open a Bible in months, maybe a year. The closest I’ve got is the “Bunny Bible” in Dennis Hof’s book. It’s quite the enlightening read but as I’ve said, pressing matters. For example, one million dollars that’s my song of choice isn’t it “If I Had $1,000,000” by the Barenaked Ladies ha.

Hell, I have the chance to see a bare naked lady tomorrow. Why is it I’m worrying more about my dream job than I do the Day Job? It’s the difference between digging a grave and breaking through the glass ceiling as “THEY” say. To quote another song, “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” I remember Chris Rock talking about being black in America. You for damn sure better be doing something positive (LANGUAGE). Something that both jobs have in common somehow. I wouldn’t say I’m doing a good thing now. Well, I wasn’t a while ago drooling over Violet Myers. It’s always research Lady Sophia. If I get a girl to do a shower scene, that means I need those pretty bottle washes. A girl’s make-up and hair will get screwed up in a nude scene. I’m learning, aren’t I?

The thing is I don’t mind worrying about such things, while on the Day Job I worry about everything. How about money, one of the managers begging me to come in tomorrow. I’m going after the Dream rather than the Day. So what was I doing going to sleep? I always feel so lazy. Didn’t I work seven hours for them but don’t want to give a moment to myself. Press a button and open a book to a great man. No, I instead continue to replay the words of people I hate. Of course, this leads me back to today because I don’t hate a million dollars. Lady Sophia, I want so much more, but I’m scared to go out there and get it, fucking comfort zone (LANGUAGE). I press pen to paper, so many buttons, my head on a pillow, but what am I saying or publishing SIGH.

Life’s Pressing Matters For Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 081 ~Ad It Up Will~

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How much for a day off; it’s a price I don’t mind paying again and again and hell can I call this a vacation, got my modeling page up and running and one more ad, when is the profit I ask? “Ad It Up Will.”

Friday, September 20, 2019

Log 081 ~Ad It Up Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, at least in word form. Now maybe I’ve been too deep into my motivations lately. Of course, this happens at the Day Job between my Show Me The Money and Tell Me Something Good playlist. If you asked me WHY I do what I do, I have my furry firstborn lying here. It’s not jealousy or envy that I see MILF Dos going into business. Hell Lady Sophia, how many cosplayers do I follow nowadays? I still remember sending “The Rainbow Girl” a Pokémon and getting blocked. Again, I send Morgan a cash offer and remain among one of many followers.

So why am I so fearful over a craigslist ad? Yesterday I talked about heroes, gurus, and idols. Not to sound like A&W and his current wrestling craze “Iconic.” Let’s say I can have better stalkers not that I’m accusing him. Who do you think I am, “The Basic Bitch” (LANGUAGE)? What I’m saying is, in print, you have to stand up for yourself. If you are a jester, you appreciate the heckle. A business learns to roll with the punches. You know I’ll rep The Red Lantern, Tillie Cole writes incredible books, MILF Dos is a goddess but so is Morgan. 5-hour ENERGY can go to Hell because of my headaches. Walmart employees still laughed at me. Regal Cinemas was a humiliation too. I don’t trust Pizza Hut or McDonald’s but what’s in my fridge, what was for lunch?

My writing that’s what love is to me as always. Yes, I’m still coming up with freaky, creepy, skeevy ass names on Pinterest as always. What about Le Marquis De Sade, another infamous author? I’ve talked some about Todd Michaels “Begging For It” and S Wolf “Sex Zombies.” How about Vladimir Nabokov’s “Lolita” novel? Marquis De Sade though he inspired the term Sadism. All my heroes were notorious in some way. They wrote stories, produced films, ran brothels, or modeling agencies. So here I am wrestling with myself over a Craigslist ad. One guy already called me pathetic. “Indiana Gone” wasn’t creeped out. I can’t talk about these things at the Day Job, of course. How famous do I think I am? The question is how famous do I want to be; how wealthy and that I’ll leave to Tony:

So what’s the price Lady Sophia, Ad It Up Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 074 ~Will’s Hood Has Ideas~

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Pop the hood, hell it’s too hot as is and I’m not talking about my car; well let’s say today is a beautiful day to stay indoors despite the sunshine day and as long as I’m removing clothes if I had a model. “Will’s Hood Has Ideas”

Friday, September 13, 2019

Log 074 ~Will’s Hood Has Ideas~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now and have even more ideas. Now which one of them is going to net me that million. I was ready to invest $5.00 more in my new business. Oh my writing, more like getting girls to take their clothes off. Hell one woman I got to do that started a business of her own. The eye doctor didn’t notice any change in my eyesight as I recall. So I’m ready and waiting as far as writing and women which brings me to you today. I’m still playing time traveler as today is Thursday. A man has to eat, so how do I get that done hmm?

As I said ideas for my book, I started off thinking thirteen faces. At least that’s what I told Indiana Gone, and I hate lying. The thing is I don’t know if I’m lying or not. It’s a good idea but getting five women to make an Ahegao face for the cover of my book? A real visceral experience and two birds, one stone. You know I hate that saying that a picture is worth such and such more than words. If I have learned anything a week after “THE Day,” sex sells. Of course, I’ve always known that Lady Soph. Morgan is still trying to sell those headphones of hers. A few nude pictures she would have all the money with change. Please don’t make me go into how much I do respect women. People pay to go to museums and admire art. The same will go to a strip club. What’s the purpose of the internet once again?

So my ideas, finding four or five girls to do an Ahegao face in person for the cover. Of course, I’m a greedy S.O.B so have them here to model, beauty equals profit. With that, I was down the rabbit hole, looking into modeling, adult entertainment, etc. Anyway, people say they give blood, sweat, and tears, to their passions. Water is the element that brings life. Do I need to tell you what other fluid does the same? Five fluids and five women though I can shorten it to four. Finally, there’s that Ad that I keep writing and rewriting. I swear Lady Sophia if it was for my book. There’s also my modeling agenda and doing the finances. Today friend, Will’s Hood Has Ideas.

I Will Have No Fear