Tag: Woman

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

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I must be getting old, as I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Has it really been only thirty-seven days so far? To be fair, how am I supposed to be looking into the future now? Love can’t tell time, and still, I have “Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.”

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Gospel 251 ~Worries And Wrinkles Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still a father. Only when you lose a child… and I know, how dare I.

I’ve been getting that a lot for five weeks. People telling me what my son IS, WAS, NOT. Waking up “late” this morning, I saw this thing on Youtube about Leela from Futurama. They thought she was an “Alien” initially, but she was a “Mutant” actually. Because she was an alien, that made her special but being a mutant would have her living in the sewer. There are also those people that lavish great attention on their pets. Hell, they’re treated better than people. Love, being not only a feeling but action, I find myself amongst them. Eternally, Braxton will be my son. There were only fifteen years, one month in my arms. One month, one week, two days, gone. We grew old; we grow old together. Love never dies.

“Love can’t tell time,” either, as I heard in a movie once. I met him when I was around twenty-one. My love, when we got together, um, wow. As the song goes, “and they call it puppy-love” and somebody else, “you say it’s puppy love, we say it’s full-grown,” yep. Young people right, and then we had our kids, and suddenly I’m an “Old Man.” I still envision how that would be for Braxton. How many times have I said it, B III with a little beard? His tan hair is turning grey as he lay there between the children protecting them. Painful for them to see how this turned out, and I would worry. You worry about me going crazy, thirty-seven days and counting.

Braxton’s first day of “school” was when I had to go out of town. I took him in, hoping he would make friends and be happy. He had the girls chasing him; I had to give him “the talk.” On those last days, the words “I’ll help you” keep echoing in my ears. Did I?
Then I’m supposed to act like, what a “dog owner?” My Olds have already returned to “factory settings” after what “three weeks.” My mother told me she was glad I wasn’t dead, and my “father…” let me know if you find someone who knows he has a son at all. Like father like son, how much did I acknowledge Braxton and my love for him? My Worries And Wrinkles Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 244 ~Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness~

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Braxton got a collar… a dog is a lifetime commitment or theirs. He’d freak out about his, then I think about putting a “rock” on a girl’s finger? For now, there’s only the black chain around my neck reminding me of Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Gospel 244 ~Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which explains your even bigger ring. Braxton has three (collars) noticed. The nightstand, bed, my pendant.

Goodness, what am I getting to today? It’s not that comedy comes in threes. It still hurts to laugh, or it feels wrong. I’ve never been a man of laughter, and neither was B III, but we had our moments. So how else are we supposed to tell if something is good or not? As the poem goes, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Of course, I couldn’t hope to do such words justice, but I might do far better than Braxton. Yet he could never say he loved me, but I believe B did; he does. I told him every day. But Braxton, sheesh.
All this you’ve heard, him freaking out about his collar or giving me his favorite toy.

Are you ready to kill me yet comparing puppy love to our love? Didn’t think so because “My Love Is Your Love,” and I’m sure this is still hurting you too. Again Braxton wasn’t too fond of you at first but to see us hurting like this? He tried to fight as long as possible. “It Must Have Been Love” when he growled at me to stay in your arms. I know the feeling. No disrespect, Baby Girl, but no doubt the best hugs came from Braxton. Maybe it’s because I gave instead of received, and he let me. It was like getting his second collar.
The one that still rests in his bed that I always carry. I can hear him even now growling.

Groovy and hip, though, that’s what I thought when the ladies gave me his brand-new collar. Wishful thinking, huh, that being around other people and “kids” made him more mellow. I wouldn’t consider myself that way, My Love but the person I was before Braxton…

These days without him, without Braxton urging me in his own way to be good. Not to be so wrathful as I once was. Being I don’t know who without him and shouldn’t I do that already My Love? I have you and our children, I know. We all have A Groovy Kind of Love. I love you. Braxton didn’t just “belong” to me; he is my best friend, a brother, my son. His life was mine but mine. “I shall but love thee better after death,” don’t I now?

Am I talking about the Force or some new age philosophy, my love for the written word? Braxton was all about free love. When I met you, My Love, Braxton turned all Make Love, Not War. His world was full of sunshine, flowers, and of course, he provided enough fur and hair. Now comes the Rainbow Bridge, as they say. Why did they have to make it even MORE perfect by taking him? Circles of life; how many are there? I’m not hip or groovy without Groovy Braxton’s Growling Goodness.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

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I’ve seen plenty of people go in a variety of ways. Some, I think, gave themselves too much credit. Give me one lousy night, maybe a week, and I move on. Braxton though; some say God is Love, B III is Love and losing him to let it go. B Leave In Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

Dear Future Wife,

I AM a Billionaire right now but like the songs… AHEM, Money Can’t Buy Me Love. My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

I believe I’ve spent more in twenty-three days on Braxton than I have in the last months of his life. Hell, I still am. I want more frames, candles, a pedestal for his room. Of course, you know this. On my phone is a reminder for “HomeAgain” Renewal every week. Believe me; I won’t be taking it off any time soon. I won’t stop talking to him or doing any of the stuff we’ve been over this month. Forever I’ll say routine, but how do you stop loving someone, baby girl. That’s what people don’t get about this; obsession, mourning? B leaves, and I’m like this. Everyone else? I do kiss and tell, I’ll admit, but I’m talking about one night. Someone got three novels.

B leaves, and the ink is trying to outrun the tears. The sweat will never clean the blood from my hands. Can we not talk about the stuff they filled him with? That’s what I’ve been thinking the past few days. Did B leave, or did I let him go, like oh so many times? “B III, go play” when I would send him outside. How many opportunities did I miss? What about when I wanted alone time? One more reason for morning showers and very late nights. He didn’t care much for you. At first, I know, but I was in Love and Braxton… B III he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to hurt either, and I wanted to show my Love.

Believe me; I understand this song more than ever “Only know you love (him) when you let (him) go.” He knew, which is why he chose to hide under the bed and walk to his water, to stand there calmly as we drove. In his absence, he wanted me to love myself, to be ready. B III would leave me with his toy. Braxton even got around to leaving me with you. His Love for me extended to him wanting to protect our children. He loved them and wouldn’t want to leave them. So he looked to his daddy, and I asked him to leave.

“B III, it’s okay. You can go. You can leave.” Such Love, him, me you, us, B Leave In Love

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

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My sister got Braxton hooked on Disney once upon a time. He was a little beast but also a prince, and what can I say about myself. In a way, he made me somebody else’s “prince charming” because if I could love him? “Beauty And The Braxton.”

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I must like a lot, love more, or share with my dear little Braxton.

You can thank my second BFF for teaching him how to get along with you. It took her about three maybe four months. After Braxton crawled all over her for a few minutes, he was all but willing to let her stay. Like Father like Son? When it comes to people and before I met you, I had a saying. If you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the position, don’t touch me. Now I still can’t think about another furry kid. Yes, I have you, my love, so other women… Yeah, I’m not crazy, or am I? I’m not the “BEAST” I once was, but I’m still losing it. Can you see why I’m so afraid of losing us? But losing Braxton…

He had a beautiful life… he “is” a beautiful life. I still won’t say “he was.” I tell myself, I try so hard, but where was I at noon? TRADITION… Braxton and I would usually be asleep anyway. The thing is, I wanted to give him that life he gave up to follow me. We both wanted a family. A man takes care of his family. And so I feel like a failure because I couldn’t save him. Dammit, I took from him. I have you, him, our other children, all we have and hope for. I still consider myself a selfish man with all this, Beauty that surrounds me. Why’d he have to go? He might have known you were the one before I did. Well, he wasn’t picky…

I wish I knew why he loved me. You could tell me a thousand reasons, the story of a thousand choices. Until the end, I was always his. He saw something inside me that I have yet to find. Only you found it, babygirl. The way our children look at me, they discovered it too. Braxton saw it first. Enough, so he trusted me with his favorite toy. My son allowed you to stay in my world and to let others find their way in. He saved me when I didn’t want to be saved, and now without him? His beautiful life, the beast that tried to protect me, and now I’m just well here. I love you, him, us, everything, Beauty and the Braxton.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 223 ~Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie~

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The person that has made fun of me for crying the most is my Old Man. I don’t want to talk about him, though. Why did Braxton feel he had to be so strong for me? I’ve cried most more times in nine days than… Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie.

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Gospel 223 ~Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I would only have you cry tears of joy. There is no joy in me.

Was it wrong of me not to take you and our other children with me to Braxton’s goodbye? All my life, I was taught that a man ain’t supposed to cry. Nowhere motivationally, all my music, and from an individual, I hope you never meet; my “father.” Braxton didn’t cry. So how many times have you caught me, hmm? I remain a traditionalist that a man must be strong. My son was the strongest man even when I was running around calling him a puppy. One day out of seven is what I blame myself for, well, two days. The day he did cry, and the day I would never hear him cry again. A Wednesday and Sunday, because he took after me. My Braxton.

How is it okay for a man to hate but not to cry? I hated. Not him, never my son, but I hated people and ignored his crying. Now it’s all I do. I hate myself, and I cry for him, and there’s nothing. Indiana Gone told me before she got married that if her groom wasn’t crying, she was going back up the aisle. I’m sure I teared-up out of love for you when it was our turn. Only the tears that I have shed in nine days alone. Has it only been over a week, and I’ve been sniffling, sobbing, silent except for the times you’ve caught me. I’m sure Indiana Gone has shed some tears, and others, even you. But should I?

For the first time from forever, I have to say this time; I don’t give a damn what you think. I don’t mean to sound awful, but I was Braxton’s father before you. If he had cried just one time that Sunday? No, he cried Wednesday as I stewed in bed, hating the whole world, losing my soul. I lost him, and the fact that such was allowed to happen? No again, this is my fault; only I don’t cry for me but only for him. It makes me wonder why I was made so. It scares me still when our children cried as babies and cry now. Should I let you grieve with me, the loss of my Braxton? No, Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 216 ~Will And His Pancakes~

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I’ve always stuck with three pancakes. Maybe it’s how they’re packaged sometimes. I’m the bottom one, the middle wife, family, all I care for. This leads me to the top, that one covered in syrupy buttery goodness. Let me explain Will And His Pancakes

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Gospel 216 ~Will And His Pancakes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, you’re so high, high above me. Only I have to tell you now, despite what happened Sunday (Time-Travel), my Dæmon is up there. Once upon a time in my young and dumb days, I told my mom she didn’t know Unconditional Love. I was wrong then, and perhaps I am now, but what taught me to love, or um who? My mother loves me, you love me, and yes, I know I’m still iffy on that. Was it God… oh, let’s spell it backward. It was my DOG, firstborn, my Dæmon, yes, Little B.

I read a story about a married man whose wife gave up his cat. It’s one of the oldest rules in the book. Making someone choose between you and their child, nope. Make no mistake, he is my little boy as much as any of my other kids. He was before you, hopefully during you. God, I hate thinking about what has happened, could happen, will someday. I’ve had to think about this love’s end. No, not yours and mine but mine and his. Hell, I will love him forever, so I shouldn’t say that. I honor him each day before and after, The End, I try. Well, let me speak on some of the pancake’s story. When I was a “child,” I had a thing for microwave breakfast. One day I had waffles or French Toast, but I forgot a drink. Little B jumped up on my bed and had his fill of my food, his face dripping in syrup that day, so proud.

The next morning, I had pancakes, and I placed them up high. My mom said, “you sure must love pancakes.” If I had known then, that Little B would be welcomed on my bed. Geez, I‘d go to raining pancakes and other foods on his little head for his entire life. Interesting how high he got. I mean not only on my bed but on my shoulders. I’d carry him. He’s in my heart, in my mind, one day soon (it’s Sunday). I don’t know. As I don’t know God, but that is what Little B was, is… he came above everything else for me. He built me up like his father, and I could not help but lift him higher and higher with love.

As I love you, family, him. Will And His Pancakes.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

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I was never able to read Lord of the Files. There was this book, The Moonstone, that bored me to tears. I’ve only ever finished two books in the bible, John and Revelation. And now I can’t read my own future out of fear. “Will’s Yearly Eye Exam”

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford the best of the best. Yet every day, as the song goes, “I’m So Thankful,” that love is a gift and not a prize. That’s especially true these days, as I look at you. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, you know, except for my eyesight, best feature. A yearly exam usually around August, but in the plague era, it was November. The things I’ve seen. That I’ve yet to see, that I shouldn’t have ever. But with you, my Dæmon, our other children. Again I’m forever grateful.

Even if it’s through my glasses. To think of what scares me now, I mean right now. It reminds me a bit of William and Jocelyn. He speaks to her as though she had died. I live by the words of yet another song. “It’s better to say too much. Than never to say what you need to say again.” One more reason I’m not as “witty” as I would like to be. “Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane.” The idea that I don’t want to get contacts, or I might never look outside my Study window again. Hell, I was out yesterday (Thursday, it’s now Friday), and I saw the cops. Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for now. Not admiring my first road trip to my friend’s wedding. The time I welcomed another friend. Our first family trip to Disney World… TRADITION!!!

I’m even scrapping some of my rules I usually keep because my eyes are tired. Only you need not worry. “I won’t go getting tired of you; I’m not getting tired.” I think I love my wife. No, I love my wife. I’ll always love you, and please, I’m trying not to break out into Whitney Houston. I don’t need to be thinking of the term “breakout” either, but if I had a million dollars. Well, I have over a billion, and I still have you, my family, everything in the world. But I’m always worried about leaving you, and not to death, a dream, some desire in the future. Here I am talking about it, though, because should Tuesday come, I want to spend all my time loving you.

Seeing you always, Only You, please. Will’s Yearly Eye Exam.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 202 ~Sell You On Will~

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I always say that I’m an open book. Some books aren’t meant to be open, some things, I don’t know what, but you can’t ask people to stay afterward. For now, I’m free, and yet here I am. “Sell You On Will.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Gospel 202 ~Sell You On Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m not in my nineties, and you’re much more than a P.Y.T. I take it. As a ton of songs goes, “You’re Beautiful.” Only today, I want to focus more on “that’s what makes you beautiful.” I CAN put my finger on it, My Love. However, as always, I tend to make everything about me. Hell, what keeps me sane half the time is “Your Eyes.” Will, I ever quit with the songs? If you help me forget. My Love today, hell this whole week, who knows but, I’m SCARED.

The smartest woman I know, I’ve told you before. You’ve got to have an answer. Of course, some things shut my mind up completely. Hell, the day I don’t want you will be that—pure Hell. Only, for now, I’m not in the mood… ok, a lie, but my fear, baby girl, it’s not ok. Say something, only I’ll never give up on you. God knows I’m silent most days. Perfect for cops. If only I could go a few minutes without thinking something so heinous. I haven’t even been able to sleep. Um, one more reason this has been a day, and who knows. Might sheets be the answer? Not those kinds I mean writing, reading, editing. What I wouldn’t give right now to walk into the study and put everything to the page. To have it out there and you tell me that I’m a good man, I’m yours, now and always love.

Sold my soul to the Devil, I fear. Baby girl, you’re the one I saw first, and yet there are things I will never escape. One way or another, I convinced you of me. You were a dream, and everything I thought I needed you gave me. Love’s a gift, not a prize… Aloe Blacc. Stay is a powerful word, and my Dæmon never need ask, neither have our other children. You’re the only human who has ever asked that of me. Now I ask it of you. Stay With Me, no matter what. Yet I would understand if you didn’t. Always and forever, please. Strength is something no one thinks I have, and maybe they’re right. It’s why I ask you to lend me yours though I don’t deserve it. Again you give anyway.

Maybe I’m free. I hope to Sell You On Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 195 ~Nobody But Will’s Wife~

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THEY say love is an open door, and I’m an open book. But this afternoon, as I was dreaming my life away, I saw all my sins… well, no, a portion I like to think I’m more “imaginative,” and no woman would put up with that. “Nobody But Will’s Wife”

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Gospel 195 ~Nobody But Will’s Wife~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be “the bad guy, duh.” But am I a great man, a good one, well I’m alright. You, My Love, damn if I was to scream out to the world, all that you mean to me, I better hire some more songwriters, ok. Everyone! Now I say scream because that’s what woke me up from today’s nap. I’m being a bit dramatic, but at first, I was afraid; I was petrified. Yes, another song, but I can’t shake the dream, and that’s where you come in. I want to be a man, but man’s not meant to be alone, somehow.

Nobody but my dog, my firstborn, my Dæmon, the little Imp puts up with me, sigh. Hell, he has as many “pet names” as you; more so. Anyway, I can tell him everything… well no. Like any of our two-legged kids, I keep things out of his eyesight. Does that make me weird? I’m awful. Nobody but my “dad” would say that. (Cough) bullshit, bullshit (cough) pardon my French. The thing is with him, yes, I keep secrets, but I’m wrong. It’s all on the grounds that I exist. If you wonder why I can be a black man in the USA with Republican leanings, it’s him, so you know Nobody, but my government is that bad, though. The last time I checked, my “father” is Democrat. Now, I’m a pro-choice, pro-gun, pro-sex worker, um, let me see. I’m for free healthcare, LGBTQ supporting, meat-eating, environmentalist. And yes, women’s rights.

Nobody but my mom, for the longest time, saw any goodness and me. However, that’s from a distance. I thought all women were like that, which leads me back to my nightmare. Every single secret, “All These Things That I’ve Done,” dreamed, discovered, dammed me. Nobody but you, Will’s wife, that’s not all you are. You’re the smartest woman I know, and what do I mean by that. Hell, I could go in every single direction. I hope you don’t mind me calling you beautiful, sexy, hot as Hell. I always believed the woman I chose, the woman who must also choose me, would be my muse. Only never involved in my business or before a camera’s lens. It’s not that I’m jealous. I watched my sins: your strength, love, baby girl. I’m not a thing like Jesus, heh, but seeing all I am and staying, Nobody But Will’s Wife.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 188 ~Such A Squeaky Will~

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The world is noisy, and that’s why I love my Dæmon so much; he’s quiet. If he does get loud barking, it’s to help or be hardheaded, but he doesn’t bark to breathe. People spend time talking to acknowledge existence. With love? Such A Squeaky Will yep

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Gospel 188 ~Such A Squeaky Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I like Containment. Am I already becoming so confusing at the start of this New Year? Do I mean the show, our home, how I live my life? All three? It’s why I don’t talk much. I’m a hard man to know. One for an epiphany? While I was Just Cruisin’ sometime last week, still angry at Serra Hyundai. Hell, we’re rich. Why am I even driving myself? Yes, I’m tempted to burst out into Cars by Gary Numan. Thanks for noticing. Only I’ve never been a car guy or a much for love type. The thing is Love’s Loud.

You remember that campaign “Love is Louder”? With all the noise in the world, I don’t ask for your love to compete. Okay, this brings me to my epiphany. Driving, I started thinking about when we began dating. I enjoy quiet movie nights, music, museums. Always I remain a hopeless romantic. Forever Hopelessly Devoted To You. A fool for the idea of Love At First Sight. I’m not one to kiss and tell. You know Saving All My Love for You. Geez, might as well create another playlist. Baby Girl, you make my heart sing. People talk too much, and when it came to us because Only God Knows Why, those three little words I Love You are wasted. Of the women I’ve known (GULP), I’ve only meant them four times. To my Mom, to a high school girl, a YouTube starlet, and to you.

Then I found out that love is louder. As I said to the women, I’ve known, but I tell my Dæmon I love him every day. I say it to all our kids. Me, a “Soccer Dad” well, maybe they’ll stick to quieter pursuits. Either way, I’m down. The pitter-patter of tiny feet all over. Those Saturdays, where we can lie together and listen to my “Nuclear” playlist. It seems more prudent than ever. Oh, and why did I have to soundproof our room again? Ellie Goulding’s Love Me Like You Do is all I’ll say. I’m trying to not make you get loud now. Then yeah, I always told myself I had to marry a woman that was a singer. A chef because kids are always spoiling appetites. The Dæmon is looking at his full bowl SIGH. But butterflies.

Telling you baby, I love you, Such A Squeaky Will.

I Will Have No Fear