Tag: Denial

Gospel 332 ~When B Moved On~

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B III was on the eternal quest of comfy spots. I know mine; I was comforted Braxton around. He could be waiting for me, not that he was one to rush me. I’m sure he’s getting his morning or after-work walks. What am I working on because When B Move On

Saturday, May 29, 2021

Gospel 332 ~When B Moved On~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but with all the dollars and the maid, I hope she misses Braxton’s last few hairs.

That’s why I haven’t hired a new maid yet, and I stick to cleaning the bathroom. Sure Braxton’s dog gate still sits at the door. Well, nine out of ten, he hated going in there. I mean, baths, my bellowing “stuff and thangs,” and fewer soft places for Braxton’s behind. When that behind stayed still in bed for a day or so, I knew something was wrong with him. Here we are 118 Days past, and I still can’t believe it. I also didn’t mean to sound so Depressed (oh no) today. Like my Anger, this has nothing to do with Braxton. Just a sec… Braxton isn’t haunting me like the dude was his wife in “What Dreams May Come.” I wouldn’t mind if B did that, my ghost dog.

Hell, part of the reason I became a “monk” is this. Wherever B III is, he can see everything. He loves me regardless of what I do, but still, I kept things from him sometimes. Which brings in my… depression, rejection, no not really. If I’m being honest, like my writing, I’m having a good time with my “Stuff And Thangs,” better known as OnlyFans. I’ve said before I have no qualms about my body… okay, my teeth; how I love masks. I like how I move and how I feel. Only at the moment, I haven’t… crossed the finish line. It’s like I’m Rhett from Lust by Ker Dukey. He lost his brother, and I failed my son Braxton. To show my face ever.

People want me to move on, move over, move a smidge so they can have what they want. I’ve spent my life being in the way, and that’s why I’m always trying to move. Yeah, like moving books off shelves, my body in this way or that to look right, my brain, I have one?
I say my heart is broken, but it continues to beat, doesn’t it, so it’s moving. My ears don’t move, but when I hear myself moaning, my hands do. It’s been a mighty long time. Braxton’s things, though? I did pick up his toys for a picture, and as always, I fill his water, move his gates, his bed, everything. I’m stuck; I want to be. When B Moved On.

118 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 325 ~Must B Freeing Sometimes~

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I expected some woman would tie me down. Some Nights I dreamed of B III being an old man (older) who would be running from his siblings saying, “I didn’t sign up for this.” He’s free of the mortal coil; I’m not free of love. Must B Freeing Sometimes.

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Gospel 325 ~Must B Freeing Sometimes~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it’s almost like being in love. Hell, neither one of those match B being alive.

He’s not, but I am, and I intend to stay that way? What, I still haven’t taken the Vaccine? I thought to yesterday Lady Lu, yep. I got a haircut, and Supercuts girl got pissed at me. I went to Walmart and got mad at them for cheating me. Did I say having money, hmm? Hakuna Matata for the rest of these days, and if I had only been working this week, who knows. Another part of my Denial is acknowledging that “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” Again that attitude got B killed, and how can I not want to keep him company Lu. It is not suicidal to acknowledge the truth. Death is the ultimate freedom, and next to that sleep, I’m tired.

I’m so “Tired Of Being Alone.” There’s a difference between being alone and my loneliness, THEY say. I was never alone with B III here, but now I’m lonely. But every day, I lock Braxton’s gates, I like having money in my pocket, and I love my mask. Freeing hiding. Only without Cerberus, without my Dæmon… when’s the last time I call Braxton that? THEY talk about our better angels, but I have let my demons come out to play. My heart cannot hold back the darkness. Lust, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Hell not Depression. So what about Gluttony? THEY say that we project our sins onto others, and I told M Anime that she’s just a “Sucker For Pain.” Of course, that’s more me.

I haven’t been starving myself as I did once before. Yet the people I have talked to lately don’t want my skin and bones, my warped mind, and my broken heart. I go back and forth between my soul and seeing as how I continually serve in the Church of Braxton. Lady Lu, I am free of love but not hate, considering the Day Job this week. What the Fuck! Were you expecting me to say, “Oh God?” Pride thinking anyone gives a damn right? That’s all the sins, but I am free, so is there a chance that somehow I’ll reach B, you think? It depends on who you question, but everyone wants to be free of me… I agree. Must B Freeing Sometimes

111 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

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Not quite the Mother’s Day week I had envisioned though congratulations to all my friends with their new kids and grandkids. I remembered when I was a child and wanting to stop and get food, but McDonald’s doesn’t serve love. Got Braxton At Home

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Yes, that’s a want, and I’ve been dreaming far too much. What about making it aspirational?

I’m sorry, Lady Lu, I had been thinking about this meme the other day. It’s how you want McDonald’s, and your Mom says we have it at home. One more way, I’m such a little boy, even back in my twenties. I didn’t want to stop. I needed to get back to B and be okay. This week I’m not, and I’m sure you’ve seen that. Since Wednesday night, I’ve imagined what it would be like to simply explode. Why must I repeat myself… AHEM, I’m not suicidal, Lady Luna. Braxton would never allow it. That didn’t stop me while he breathed. It’s like on one side of the coin, I want nothing more than to be with him again. On the other, if something were to happen to me and I faced my son, how would he look at me. Does he forgive me? I’m an atheist, but I know Braxton found his eternal comfy spot… The Rainbow Bridge?

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen Spontaneous (2020). It’s like the “Red Screen” scene between Mara and Dylan and how they were happy and then not. Or it could be like “Angel” when Fred asked Wesley, “why can’t I stay?” It’s 1408, Mike’s daughter’s ashes.
I return here every day, and sometimes I even forget that Braxton isn’t here, and I sit on the stairs. When I do remember, I run through all the emotions, Braxton’s fear, his wanting to come home, all of it. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Boom, Explosion!” The fucking ASM lit the fuse, and here I am 104 days, and I’m trying to put myself back together. I know I’m still sticking with the pop culture analogies. Can you blame me, Luna? For living in fiction when you see what has become of this reality? Now Lady Lu, am I, Mara or Dylan. You know who I want to be, but God is cruel, yep. Like Fred, I might wake up a “monster.” Um, I got two new OnlyFans, and I’m making room for “stuff and thangs.” Of course, I’m like Mike holding onto my son’s ashes in a box. There’s no mom, no wife, no lover to stop anywhere, and I want to go home. Got Braxton At Home.

104 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

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Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. My Ma still has her two and two grandchildren… my sister’s been busy. She’s down one furry grandson as I wasn’t the best father, yet here I am asking. What’s A Mom, B

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but my Boy, my Braxton, he was an absolute genius. Are you serious? What’s a mom?

If this week hadn’t been absolute shit, I would have spent it answering that question. Mother’s Day is tomorrow; I have no semblance of a plan. Truth be told, I’ve been more focused on 100 days without my son, but yeah, the focus should be on moms; I know that. Again if I knew better, my conversation with Madam Justice would be all about Mom. Should I rewrite it? No, I’m lazy, which explains why I’m writing this so late, 6:00 AM. What my house is freezing and without B…

Well, I haven’t been hugged in what, 97 days? Of course, I could go and cut off the air, figure out a proper temperature. Hell, there is so much to do around here but hugging? Don’t worry, Lady Lu, I’m not going to get all Cotton Hill or even Hank talking about “women’s work.” Anybody can listen, right? I’ve been wondering does my Mom listen? Before I forget, a nice Christian girl reminded me that a Mom gives life. That above should trump everything, but what did I give Braxton. To be honest, Braxton’s dead.

I can’t stop saying that, you know, or to be more specific, I killed him.

That’s what you get when the fucking ASM takes away your peace at the Day Job. To be fair, I would only end up listening to “You Were Loved” by Whitney Houston. B III is loved, always and forever. Now stick with me here, but I’m about to compare Whitney to JFK so forgive me?

When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That’s when you’ll know (huh)
That you have all you need ~ You Were Loved, Whitney Houston

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” John F. Kennedy

So back to my first question, what is a Mom? Braxton would know better having two, a grandmother and aunt.

“Mother is God in the eyes of a child.” Rose Da Silva – Silent Hill

“All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.” The Road (2009)

Is it “creepy” if I use the concepts of “Faith, Hope, and Love,” and I’m not getting married. Both my mother and son had those things. That goes without saying. I actually looked up the difference between Faith and Hope. And besides being good names for daughters. I’m still sticking with Katniss, Tris, and Ember, “Girls On Fire.” I’d like to believe my Ma still holds out hope for me. As for Love, well, THEY say God is Love, and you read Silent Hill’s words.

A question I don’t understand, but I promised B another Mom? What’s A Mom, B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

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I heard in a cartoon, cease becoming begin to be. I figured it was some fortune cookie wisdom, but then there’s the B I lost, my son. There’s my B minus life… that’s being generous. Ever seen my Six Impossible Things. Will You Just B, who’s that

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’ve been saying that for years. I’ve been dog-less for three months. 90 Days Lu

It’s official, B III and I have now been apart longer than ever. So I ask the question, yeah, will you just be? I don’t know who I am now. Lady Lu, I’m trying okay, like it was old times somehow yesterday, right. I dipped out of work, I dabbled in making a friend happy. Decisions, decisions, have never been my strong suit. Case and point… yes, I will never stop saying it, I killed Braxton. Trump has no idea what it means when he would say “die like a dog.” Speaking of which, I’m surprised I haven’t been fired from the Day Job yet. Talk about will you just be because those assholes think they have me all figured out. Why do zombies persist?

That’s a random question, for sure, Lady Luna. But it’s because nobody has figured them out. Sure Warm Bodies, World War Z, and I can probably name a show here or there that has an answer. My point is that they will continually return. With that, Will Bradford is dead. And you are dealing with somebody else now. Before you get all creeped out… well, not you Lady Lu but “Them,” Morgan Jones said this in Fear The Walking Dead. You know Morgan Jones is dead (Season 6×01). I won’t be what the fucking ASM wants. No way I refuse. I would settle for being the man I was with Braxton, although he was by no means a good one. Braxton would still be alive.

Should I be just like the son I lost? I eat the same meals every day, don’t I? I sleep way too much, but that’s because the man in the mirror won’t get off his lazy ass. I was way too hot. So I finally had to turn on the air conditioner. Now that means I’m cold, and now no B. I would rather cuddle B III than rest with all this hate in my heart. Can I even call it resting? Last night I didn’t eat dinner. I fell apart in the kitchen, yelling for Braxton. I came upstairs and climbed into bed and can’t tell you a thing about wrestling; I fell asleep.

Too busy becoming a sonless father. Will You Just B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 297 ~B Free Of Knowing~

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I wouldn’t give up knowing what it’s like to be a Daddy, with respect to those with two-legged children. I know who my enemies are… I can’t be in the dark about that. I know tons, but thinking hurts. Why did zombies eat brains? B Free Of Knowing

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Gospel 297 ~B Free Of Knowing~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Did I just win the lottery? I’d take them on discovering a way to reconstitute “pets.”

The word applies here, but I still hate saying it. Braxton was/is my son, my best friend, my brother, hell everything. Currently, as I’m speaking to you, Lady Lu, it’s Tuesday, April 20, 2021. Yes, I know, time-travel has its way of making it look like I don’t give Two Fux. Lady Lu, I’ll give you a quick recap, AHEM…

Fear The Walking Dead and Monday was exhausting. I did get two “valuable” hours. I didn’t get into it with the ASM. “L-I-V-I-N.” Now a truck unload is coming up this week that is still going on. My peace was shattered on day 73 of Braxton’s passing. I officially moved from Denial to Anger in “The Five Stages of Grief.” I only want to feel dead once again. Mad World

Monday helped. But if I could do day 74 over again? THEY say that you should never let anyone hold sway over your emotions as they hold power over you. Tell that to my bawled fist and a heart, broken out of love but good enough for hatred. BLM indeed. Braxton helped me survive the first year of the pandemic and without him from now on? Did you catch the news today or really any day? Again nothing would make me “happier, no “gladder” than to return to my cocoon, my crypt. A convincing denial I held to so long. At this rate, though I could be fired? Should I be thanking the ASM, or can I find my routine again? Minus the “Another Day.”

Is that what I want, to be a zombie? To choose hate because some asshole pushed me there, to stay in Denial always and forever? Right now, Braxton’s water bowl is full. I’m resting in bed. Feels better than sitting on the couch, heart pounding out of my chest, Anger. Lady Luna, you want me to talk about the future, and it ain’t looking too bright indeed. I worried about B III, I continue to do so. With a storm, I grab his “remains” and keep him close. Am I still at the Day Job, or did the meathead ASM decide to destroy what’s left? Should I do what all my motivations use to say and believe better? The best died. B Free of Knowing.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

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The day I lost my son, there went my remaining love. At first, love was like a river that continued to flow, my tears, the hoodie I wear, the music. Then because of some asshole, my “peace” was shattered and replaced by Anger. “Braxton Paws Is Love.”

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m gonna love you now. Hell, when Braxton and I had nothing, I loved him.

I love Braxton still as I love you, our children, the life we have created together. For the past Seventy-Nine Days, I have found that DENIAL has blocked and muted everything. THEY say that love is not only what you say but what you do. A Man Provides baby girl.
Feeling it and doing it, though? It’s like Braxton paused love. I’m starting to understand how THEY say you can’t love another until you love yourself. Now I never liked that. In truth, it’s a lie because I hated myself, but when B III came into my life… Wow, it’s like the same thing. He paused my hatred, the wind, the wrath. To think I complained that he distracted me but what about right now.

You are doing your best, My Love. I am not asking you for anything. Okay, you say Let Me Love You. I’m not trying to be one of those broken men who need saving ever. As you say, When You Say Nothing At All… it’s the only way I can love you right now. At the very least, I will do no harm, and it saddens me further I have to say such a thing. To have lost such love as that of my son. Then to have the evils of men reawaken my ANGER. God, it has been so easy to cocoon myself in my DENIAL. Love, always and forever. Braxton’s remains in a box, and that’s how I feel. I’m Sitting In Limbo, I hope. It was better.

Indeed, I was but until the fucking tattooed arms of men. I dare not turn my ANGER towards the innocent. It was such rage that led to such apathy. Soon I may have time to love again. Who seeks time to hate? It’s why I lie with you now as every time I get up… That’s what feeds my fury. The fact that another black man found it fitting to steal my peace as my Old Man did. I go to say bye to my boy, and my heart beats faster. My blood boils. With these hands, oh My Love I’d love, write, pet my fallen son again yes, yes. Mourn alongside me, but I won’t make you Lady Macbeth. Love… Braxton Paws Is Love.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

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A song goes; a penny for my thoughts. I’ll sell them for a dollar. All I want is my best friend back. I keep asking, but I keep confessing too. He’s not coming back, and I’m guilty. And if I had the right words… Cheap Words Cost More Breaths yep

Monday, March 1, 2021

Gospel 243 ~Cheap Words Cost More Breaths~

Hundred And Seventy-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it cost me around three hours to say that every day.

How much of that time could have been spent with Braxton? Hell, with as many times as I said NO to him over the years. Why couldn’t I have died with him? Careful, right, Madam Justice, with those kinds of thoughts. Not that I care so much what happens anymore. You know the list of my most hated words? Please keep in mind people have been calling me crazy forever. To be driven insane with Braxton’s passing? Ain’t I ashamed of myself for not talking this much about him when he was here. Let me say his name for all. Braxton Barks Bradford. That will bring on a few more bleeps and bloops from the hackers and scammers. My boy, his name, what a world

One in which I break down crying that I forgot to say goodnight to him on Friday. I can’t forget; I won’t allow myself to forget. Dammit, Madam Justice, it’s only been one month. The shortest month of the year, his birthday. B III would have been sixteen only now… Yeah, I’m not asking him what he wants for it. “More fries, Daddy. Can I have more fries?” A few fewer trips to McDonald’s. No more calls to Banfield or setting up appointments at the groomers. I’d gladly pay the price; at least then, my breaths would have some purpose. Braxton was worth every single one. I would talk to myself often enough, my Olds would tell you. At least with B, I could pretend.

It’s still called Denial. I speak in the mornings, at night, outings, and for medicine. Other than that, the house is dead silent, give or take background noises. It’s colder but without Braxton’s barks, breaths, or beating heart. The people outside are more annoying and enraging. Madam Justice, might I add forgetfulness. I don’t remember the last words I said to my son before the end. We were both quiet in the car because he no longer had the strength, and my words didn’t matter that trip. Actions, it’s the actions and what was mine, Betrayal. “I’ll help you,” “I tried,” I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “goodbye,” I am a broken record. “Let’s go home.”

Cheaper, of course, but to keep breathing? Hell’s My Debt. Cheap Words Cost More Breaths.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 241 ~Braxton’s All The Rage~

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I deserve Hell. Only I would never wish it upon anyone else. Yet none of the Nine Circles call Sadness a sin. So people would prefer me to be angry. I don’t hate the vet that showed mercy. “Braxton’s All The Rage,” but since I can’t hold him anymore…

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Gospel 241 ~Braxton’s All The Rage~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now because they seem to be mad at everybody. Only I continue to say I’m in Denial.

When I’m not, it’s fear. Now how can that be true? M Anime and I were talking about people and hypocrisy. I swear the things I miss about Little B. I say I’m not afraid because I have nothing else to lose. Arrest me, torture me, kill me. In the end, my Braxton is dead.
To be blunt, like my “father.” I imagine the worst thing, and then I need only say my son’s name. Do I find strength? No, but rather, understanding, and I carry on. “He needs me,” I would often say. Come the night, how about being outside anytime? I’m still afraid. Denial, though, I don’t want to lose it; I can’t lose Braxton. But people seem dedicated to bringing on Anger.

It’s not like my tears will put out the inferno. Braxton’s fire. Geez, how macabre am I? Amongst everything that is left of my B III is his “Certificate of Cremation.” Yeah, I’ll frame it as I bear witness to the paperwork of loss. Not blaming Banfield, Petsmart, Pet Angel…

Lady Lu, I’m trying my damndest to escape Hell, and at the same time, I’m already there. I would say I have COVID or something as I’m hot and at the same time freezing. I didn’t realize how cold this house could be. I was sitting here holding my chest a while ago. Please die. Only I continue to live, but how can I be expected to mourn when wanting to sing “I Hate Everyone.”

Let’s start with me, for what I have done. Yes, not one sin compares to Braxton’s loss. I did it. I “hate” my “father” for treating Triple B’s passing like it should be nothing. Part of me knows why. I was angry the day I saw people with puppies as I looked at B’s ashes. Can I be pissed at Amazon for allowing me to indulge in pain in two different ways? I buy stuff for Braxton and read about suffering. Youtube is killing me with my playlist, while Spotify does nothing. Most of all, these days it’s the Day Job. At my last shift, well… It’s a Mad Season and without Braxton to help. I love him; Indiana Gone did. Braxton’s All The Rage

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

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I don’t want peace, and the quiet is killing me. Let me have my exhaustion and with what my eyes have been doing lately, tuning out, tearing up, taking down every bit of pain as if it would stop my own. “Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved”

Monday, February 22, 2021

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

Hundred And Seventy-Six Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not angry about Braxton. Well, how do I know I started talking to you Friday. Say it with me, Madam Justice AHEM “Time-Travel.” What I know for sure is this? I’m not Zen. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m still reading anything and everything, well, after crying that Braxton isn’t curled up against me. It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame. Talk about a butt kicking deserved. I have those pamphlets on grief the vet gave me. To this day, I believe I’m in Denial, but Anger?

I don’t know how to describe it. Every morning when I wake up, the living routine. You know when I sleep, I’m gone though I’ve begun to dream again. Nothing about B III, only pain, and don’t tell me you can’t feel it in dreams. I’m usually shocked then, waterworks. Most of the time, I’m on autopilot. My mom asked me do I watch a lot of Dish; anything to break up the silence. Only what I mean is, it’s like that movie Warm Bodies, and I’m “R.” What do zombies do? Who was R before Julie and then without her? B’s not coming back. But what peace I knew…again routine, Denial. Braxton is only outside or under the bed. I joined a club about dogs, but I’m finding people much like myself. Madam J, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So then I look for more pain and for what, my catharsis?

“It’s easier not to feel. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this.” R – from the movie Warm Bodies

Disgusting, but how about wishing it was me? I’ll be damned if an animal is in pain. My Braxton suffered. People though… You know the song, “the dreams in which I’m dying…” My side was hurting; I thought I got bitten by something, wishing sicknesses. I’ve been eating more. Now I’ve starved myself for at least a week, but now food is the punishment. I said before I’ve been craving things like onion rings, chocolate, Burger King. Anything Braxton can’t have or that breaks my routine and increases my shame. Some time ago, I saw the police, and while they can pick anything at all… My killing Braxton. I’m Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child; I should be punished, purged, never purified. Hell’s not scary.

Living like this… peace, any thought of Zen’s the crime. Laugh, Smile, Funny Face, Braxton. Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton