Tag: Lady Lu

Gospel 220 ~Will’s Sound Of Silence~

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Is Braxton listening? How high’s the water bill just for refilling a bowl to sit there. Not wasting money on food as nobody needs to see me sobbing in the middle of Walmart. If it wasn’t for my madness, would I even speak? “Will’s Sound Of Silence.”

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Gospel 220 ~Will’s Sound Of Silence~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not because I’m close to anything like Simon & Garfunkel. What does silence sound like?

Someone asked this on Ridiculousness. I’m surprised I remember that; it’s background noise because I’m still listening for Braxton. That’s the simplest answer I have, Lady Luna. A life with a dog and then keep living without them. Every day, keep going, on and on. Sobbing, screaming, up until the very end, I was praying. I have prayed, I mean really 3 times in my life. Only once for myself. Save him somehow, save my son, save my Braxton. Every time I left the house, I prayed continuously. Haven’t talked to God in 6 days. Seventh-day he rested if I know my Bible. Other books have become background as well without Braxton’s breaths, the beats of his heart. Even his bellyaching. Then he wasn’t eating.

Sucking up to me and dying. Showing such strength because Braxton didn’t want me to worry. I want to hear his paws on the floor again. The way he would lap up water and dive into food. Especially when he knew that there would be sharing Daddy’s sometimes. His “humpfs” Sleep came easier to the both of us. Well fuck, he protected me, and what did I do for him? I am not a liar, Lady Lu. I put him to “sleep?” No, I sleep when I can because when I wake up, I’m here without him. It’s 1 more second I have to live with what I’ve done. Murderer… say it again and again because he’s no longer here. Braxton, such was my goodness.

Sorry is all I hear now, which only makes the silence that much louder. The first day it was like the heavens opened up for my boy. Another day it was a choir. Then the “tryouts.” It’s been oh 6 days, I’m crying, my heart is cracking, breaking, shattering, yes. Selfish of me to put such suffering on others, isn’t it? I’m not blaming anyone but me. I’m the one who had to cover up his name because scammers, scum, and snakes came out of the woodwork. The one life I could turn to is the life that I ended. Braxton, I still talk to. Signs of my madness saying “Night, Night,” “Medicine Time, etc.

Because his quiet is too much. Will’s Sound of Silence.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~

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Goodnight B, sweet dreams, I tell him like it’s any other night. I love you like pancakes, I say always. Now all I’m saying is “I’ll Help You” as I carry him around the house. I’m watching my son die… Will “B” Seeing You

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would give it all up to save him. My Dæmon, my Imp, My Prince, My Firstborn Son, little B. Some things there are no words for. I’ve listened to the vets. I have read and studied what I can in this short time, looking for answers. Not one thing helps. What I can do is watch, wait, and be willing. It’s why I’m crying now as I can’t stand to look at him like this, but I’ll be damned if I turn away. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now “Always and Forever.” I’ve said these four words twice “My Dog Is Dying.”

It’s called Renal Failure (Kidney Failure or Disease). Excuse my ignorance on the subject, but the toxins are filling up in his body. Without his kidneys, he can no longer filter out the bad stuff. It also means he doesn’t want to take the basics, like food and water. “I’ll help you” seems as worthless as if I’d written it down. It’s actions, always actions. I carry him to the bathroom. Sometimes I’ll put him in front of his bowls and beg for him to take something, anything. I let him outside, and he tries, but there’s nothing left. Banfield is trying. I swear if I didn’t think so, I’d go all “John Q,” but what can they do now? “Not yet,” I keep repeating to myself, NOT YET. If I could give my life for his, there wouldn’t even be a question. He’s my child, and my best friend.

“Sleep,” I say, petting him again and again, holding him, keeping him next to me as I write this. Well, in-between the crying fits and Youtube. You have to let go and let God. Accept it, brother. That’s what the dude said in John Q. B sleeping, euthanasia writing The End. The Rainbow Bridge… I’ve been reading up on that too. I can’t imagine Heaven; I never planned on seeing it but for my son? I want to be where he is. He struggles to live because he still sees me. If I could tell him there was such a place if I knew I could follow? “Daddy” has never left his mouth, but that’s what I am to him. The two of us, Father and son, it’s always been.

And every minute that passes by… Will “B” Seeing You

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 206 ~Willing The Days Away~

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Facebook was closed for a minute. Well, more like I got logged off, and then I found out why. Seems like many places have been closing or under scrutiny. Now here I am, open book and all being driven crazy by paranoia. Willing The Days Away, hmm

Saturday, January 23, 2021

Gospel 206 ~Willing The Days Away~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how many days have I given away to get here. As “The 13th Warrior” put it, “I have squandered my days with plans of many things.” Around this time last week, I had no idea the storm that I’d unleashed because I look at myself as a bad man, okay. I have my vices like anyone else, though one has been tempered somewhat with “events.” My usual anger, my fire has been snuffed by my depression. It’s like I’m drowning. Now that leads me to a third sin… I’m breathing.

That’s dark, and of course, you’re not Inspector Echo. I’m all into time-travel, not that it makes much difference nowadays. It’s not that I’m living in the present. The past is only full of regret and the future, to quote another movie “John Q” well “There’s only two ways out of here. Jail or dead.” Not the most appealing options, I must say Lady Luna. What are the chances, though, and in keeping with the movies “The Empire Strikes Back,” there’s this? “Never tell me the odds.” I would say I’m getting lazier… breathing’s difficult. Damn, it feels closer to impossible. You want to hear something really STUPID? It could all be for nothing. Every day I read up on other criminals, and I think about “All These Things That I’ve Done.” I opened my eyes, that’s it. My Lady, I opened my fucking eyes.

“Oh god, I’d rather you were blind” that’s from A Knight’s Tale or maybe my Dæmon. Okay, that’s mean, he would never wish me harm. Yet I’m hurting him by wishing it upon myself now. Living each day hoping that I will actually scare myself to death and find peace. It almost worked last night when Facebook was all wonky. Only this morning, I found out Facebook itself had been hacked and flooded with…I wish I could go back to free speech and all. In some ways, I believed it would be a closed fist that would be my end. Nope, I opened my eyes, and where did that land me? What am I doing every morning? I say I’m an open book with a mind to match, and what do I find waiting. My hands are, you guessed it, wide open, and then what?

I’m still free for now, only Willing The Days Away.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 199 ~Black And Blue Will~

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Now I’m sure I talked about my Dæmon last week but what about me? Am I ever so selfish? More like another dreaded S-Word, and of course, there’s another word that might offer some release. Food, Fun, um… Nah. Black and Blue Will

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Gospel 199 ~Black And Blue Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how can that be true when I got eight hours of sleep last night. Even now, my eyes are still red. So um, more excuses? Don’t mind if I do. I would say my mind is in gray fog, but no, I’m crystal clear on what I want. Yet another reason I’m talking to you so late. It’s not COVID as the song goes… “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.” This brings me to the red, white, and blue? How about my STUPIDITY of BLM. Black Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter, oh duh, am I right?

Now I apologize that Black and Blue doesn’t have the same zing as Black and Yellow. I’m no Wiz Khalifa. It’s hard to make rhymes when my brain is fighting all the time. Of course, sitting on my ass all the livelong day, suppose my brain figured something needed punishment. Now from one head to another. Cherry, a LONG TIME AGO, would have asked why I’m punishing myself. Let’s just say somethings are very blue. This probably explains why I looked up Rei Ayanami earlier (Blue Hair). Blonde, brunette, redhead, EVERYONE!!! Lady Luna, did I mention the latest book I’m reading? I’m trying to be a “good boy,” so I can’t tell you the title. Anyway, it’s by Maximo Montoya. Hell, he’s a saint in comparison to Nakayohi Mogudan. I’m sure I butchered that, but hey, the art has words…

Oh, and you know I can do worse but again, let’s start with my STUPIDITY with flags, Well the color blue, ok Lu. You know I’m in 100% support of Black Lives Matter. Of course, Blue Lives Matter are some racists, so and so’s. In conclusion, the letters match (mind-blown). I hate having to write when I miss something so obvious. Yeah, when I’m writing anything at all. Which at this moment are all the artists I’m going to bankroll. No wonder my belly is like a void. Yeah, I know what hungry is, even starving. $500 of green… However, I remain a greedy SOB. Why am I going to spend coin on my stomach? There are other parts of the anatomy that interest me. Yeah, my poor blues. Hopefully not the Po-Po. I’m not a Trumptard, just a black man. Black And Blue Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 192 ~Will Seconds That Emotion~

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My firstborn is good, or at least the vet didn’t say anything and handed me more of his meds. My second Saturday of the new year starts off like the others, nuclear pop and me being lazy. Will Seconds That Emotion, but I’m usually DEAD last

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Gospel 192 ~Will Seconds That Emotion~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I bet that still wouldn’t be enough. No, I wouldn’t convince Spotify about how much I like or, let’s say, am annoyed at Old School Soul. Considering I looked up Smokey Robinson right now, I’m not helping my case. As if I would do anything to help myself? Didn’t I say when it comes to caring about me, “I rather stay home in bed?” The Day Job, the Dæmon, or the “daddy” (take that however you like). I’m always wide awake and raring to go. I always come second, Lu.

Now “a second” isn’t always a bad thing. Only people think I’m STUPID, SLOW, or I SUCK because I need a few dozen. That is when it comes to me. Hell, I want to go all Rod Stewart and scream, “Do Ya Think I’m (you know). I’m a discombobulated Elliot Moore. My second, of course, isn’t a wifey like Alma Moore. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve now turned to 2008’s “The Happening.” Anyway, my second is my Dæmon. As he lies here nestled against my legs, I wonder how he puts up with me at all. SIGH, senior years. Seconds tick by, and what am I doing with them besides sitting here. Again I was up so early yesterday to make sure the Imp got to the vet. Doesn’t matter how long I sleep. It’s as if I never rest. I rather become Tony Stark than Elliot Moore. Um yeah, he had Pepper Potts.

Trump’s seconds haven’t been “decent” people until recently. Pence, I mean damn, and I’m trying so hard only to say her name… Stormy Daniels. In their own times, they might have staved off the apocalypse. How did I become the leader of a billion fans/men? In my continuing efforts to not put black women second. Or not listen to another rich white guy. I can say I feel a bit like Iris Bennet. Ok, maybe I have a type, and yes, you should invest in Pop Culture quips. Again um, I put everyone first, and I ain’t even second here. I’m last when it comes to the artist’s work I want to buy this morning, for what purpose hmm. Last, as I see the stores empty out. Why is that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_81dBIElu_g

Wish I could say I was Dauntless or Abnegation. I’m Factionless. Will Seconds That Emotion

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 185 ~Here I Am, Will~

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From grunts to “sup” and now “another day,” not that this one is going as planned. I had a plan, ha. I got up to see another one, which is usually as good as it gets, and now something is wrong with my kid. “Here I Am, Will,” but I have to do better.

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Gospel 185 ~Here I Am, Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. This is me, the man I want to be. Sorry for talking to you so late… 6:55 PM. Where does the time go? Indeed, where does “The Will” go. To be honest, it started this morning. I contemplated looking good for my TWD Guild or sleep. People always have a way of making you more… Accountable? As much as I brag about my Republican tendencies, turning my back on all humankind is not my strong suit. Neither is leaving my Dæmon hurting, but we’ll get to that this evening, I hope.

Next to him is my work, my writing, my will be done. So how about this new year. Yep, it’s time to make some New Year’s Resolutions. I did think about waiting till tomorrow, talking to the man in the mirror as it were. Yet, at this rate, who knows where I’ll be. Better, let’s see if anything has changed.

  1. I AM Seeing My Dæmon Through Another Year
    Completed (2020)
  2. I AM Writing A New York Times Bestseller
    Failed
  3. I AM Making One Million Dollars
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing 400 Words Everyday (Goal 120,000)
    Completed (2020)
  5. I AM Visiting The Moonlite Bunny Ranch
    Failed
  6. I AM Beginning To Make Investments
    Failed
  7. I AM Producing An Adult Film For Sale
    Failed
  8. I AM Participating In NaNoWriMo
    Completed (2020)
  9. I AM In A Relationship or Sleeping With A Girl At Least Once A Month
    Failed
  10. I AM Becoming Free Of Parental Oversight (Rockford, Grandma, The Car, etc.)
    Partial Completion
  11. I AM Speaking Positivity Into My Life
    Failed
  12. I AM Starting Work On Life Goals “Episode 345 ~You Got Will’s Number~.”
    Failed
  13. I AM Fearless Now
    Failed

Yes, Lady Lu, this list still applies, and as you can see, I only completed 1,4 and 8. At this particular moment, it’s #1 that worries me. Tomorrow I’m going to have to get the Imp checked-out. I don’t know what’s wrong but sometimes being here ain’t enough. I told myself again I wouldn’t be writing to you so late. It’s like how the holy-rollers say the spirit is willing, but the flesh SIGH. Last year, huh, a “Sucker For Pain.” A lady at the Day Job told me I looked skinnier. I’m here, “now fight” Sucker Punch, yeah. Here I Am, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 178 ~Willing A Plan B~

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A quiet Christmas and a quieter day after. Someday excuse me one day; I hope they’ll be some bleeps and bloops around the house. Maybe my kids might play outside as I did, or they’ll be reading and yell at authors. “Willing A Plan B.” Plan A’s better

Saturday, December 26, 2020

Gospel 178 ~Willing A Plan B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or so I’ve been planning for a while. Okay, so one sentence before the bad this morning. Well, it can’t be any uglier than the stuff going on in the country, right? My one big gripe about today is I meant to wake up earlier, ha. Plenty of motivations say things like, you have to make a plan, set goals, let’s not talk about dreaming. My Dæmon and I do far too much of that—neither one of us imagining sugarplums dancing in our heads. Now I’m going to have to look up a sugarplum; wow.

Yesterday wasn’t so much, but I’m going to tell the whole truth. My only real plan for Christmas Day was waking up at 7:00 AM.

Say it with me, Fiddler on the Roof fans (ahem) TRADITION!!! I also made cooked shrimp and baked potato for dinner. I’ll cook steak someday.

This brings me to my point but let’s continue with the Christmas recap. I talked to Lady Sophia, who has inspired me to write, SIGH “Happy.” I’m not talking a full story, somewhere around 7500 words. It could also be the ongoing Christmas novel reading. Of course, I took a nap; went shopping at Amazon for Indiana Gone and the Dæmon. You know my favorite TWO. I caught Ragnar the Terrible in Far Cry 5. Um, I got back into watching “Into The Badlands.” When I was young, I planned on being a Kung-Fu Master.

Again my point. I want to become some legendary writer, and I should read, of course. Still, I can’t get it up to write a happy story. Hell, I love zombies but won’t write a new intro for The Walking Dead guild. Now I talk to you and the girls daily, but I’m sitting in bed. Yeah, Plan B is I’m going to be unloading trucks for the rest of my life. It makes me think of what Will Smith said that having a Plan B distracts from Plan A.

Our Founding Fathers to Rick Grimes, and Marcus “DBH.” Liberty, Victory, Freedom, or Death. Hemingway said to write the truest sentence. The Beatles sang about taking a sad song and making it better. Is it a coincidence that the story I’m reading now has a Jude? Yeah, but I’ve written so much sadness to downright evil. A Tale of Innocence?

“Happy,” Willing A Plan B.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 171 ~High Noon, Hi Will~

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Talk about living on a mattress, or maybe I’m Linus with his blue blanket or more like my hoodies. Trevor Noah stole my style. Anyway, I better be up before January 6, and if that goes well, the 20th. “High Noon, Hi Will” who wakes up to fight?

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Gospel 171 ~High Noon, Hi Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I would still spend every afternoon in bed. I’ve spoken about what gets me up and going. On my Christmas list, I said I wanted an island. Only by all accounts that might mean a gigantic bed. Hell, why did I get up now? My Dæmon’s demands, such as “I’m Hungry, Thirsty, need to go Potty.” I can at least say that makes me better than the Trump Administration. Let’s not get into January 6 or the 20th. I’ve still got my gun, but again I’m not some Trumptard gun nut, well, not yet.

Nobody gets up to die, right? Well, okay, I don’t get how cowboys did it back in the wild west. I mean, yeah, so we have soldiers, police officers, frontline personnel. You’re asking, why am I so political? As I said, lying in bed, watching YouTube and killing the Dead. What about cultists, hmm? I’m on the final mission of Far Cry 5, “Where It All Began.” Since I’ve been delving back into my gamer roots, I’ve only beaten one game on the PS4, Detroit: Become Human. So what did I do Friday night instead of fighting Joseph Seed? Hmm? I’m starting to think I’m incapable of finishing anything. The past few mornings, not counting today, I’ve woken up early to read before falling back asleep after my 15% quota. Not that it’s anything to brag about considering the length of the books I’ve read.

I keep telling myself, I’m trying to learn but are any of these “Christmas” novellas going to help me? The last book I read with any “educational” value was Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. I meant to tell Lady Sophia before I should go back to writing reviews. Only all the books I read are considered “inappropriate.” So that would explain the books I’m writing, and I can’t finish those. If I can survive today, I’ll actually score one more win on Six Impossible Things. Yet again, I was on my belly in bed crawling like some slug. As my motivations say, you did not wake up to be mediocre. I was supposed to have so much more accomplished by now. It’s like NaNoWriMo but with my whole life. I finish 50’000 words, and then what. Uh, nothing.

Dumb Ways To Die… waking up. High Noon, Hi Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 164 ~The Will Of Steel~

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Steal, Still, Steel, language can be a miraculous thing though most days I spend talking to myself or my Dæmon and usually we’re both out cold like today. I wore out the snooze button with my clumsiness. “The Will Of Steel.”

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Gospel 164 ~The Will Of Steel~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you have got to remind me of this title after Christmas. You don’t know how I really want to turn this into, you know. Hell, even when I’m not in the mood, it’s like being the HULK. That’s the thing, Lady Lu, I’m always, sigh. Anyway, today I feel heavy, heavy-handed, ham-fisted, and being handled by life. Yet with these hands, I still find a way to push the buttons on alarm clocks. I might as well pin my legs to the bed. Um, there’s the six impossible things I keep going at or not.

Stealing more hours from my future self than I care to admit Lady Lu. You can see what time it is now. Even with everything that happened yesterday, I was still earlier than now. Of course, you can ask Lady Sophia about that because I rather forget. Well, until Friday. Stealing another moment that could bring about happiness. Only again, I instead wallow in self-pity. If anything, it beats what else I would be doing. Indiana Gone asked me what I wanted for Christmas. One of those phone cleaners? The real dirt, I added myself.

Still, every day, I go out and fight the fight. Now when I say go out, that could mean on most days only crawling out of my bed. Ask me where I am now, and that would be the loveseat in my den/game room, my Dæmon by my side. And my hands to the keyboard. Still, trying to make something of my life at least until 5:30 PM, and then what? Phone games until 6:00 PM, and then I’m killing cultists… in another game. Why am I still surprised that saying such a thing is acceptable but not some others?

Steel for real as the world falls apart and people are getting crazier by the day. I’m not ready to spend $500 to save the car I have because I need to save my black ass. Oh, I said that the gun I have scares me? I’m like Kevin Bacon/Nick Hume in Death Sentence 2007. Steel, like gold, is in short supply these days. Or is it the fact that I’m lazy as all Hell again like today? And with these hands, why be distracted, dirty, or even somewhat dangerous.

The real me sacrificed for this, The Will Of Steel.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 157 ~Pushing My Buttons Willie~

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I’ve been listening less to the Pussycat Dolls and more to daily motivations. Spotify told me that my most played song this year has been “Sucker For Pain.” Good thing I didn’t win the presidency. “Pushing My Buttons Willie,” none connected to bombs

Saturday, December 5, 2020

Gospel 157 ~Pushing My Buttons Willie~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and even with all this cash, I’ll still buy hoodies. In a way, I’m starting to feel like Linus; only my blue blanket is a black hoodie. Trevor Noah stole my look, right? I’m sure this isn’t the 1st time I’ve talked about such fashion choices. For now, I’m only trying to keep a pair of pants on for “obvious” reasons. I’ve already failed my Six Impossible Things for this week, but I can try. Lady Lu, I should go to the door and see if my newest NaNoWriMo shirt’s arrived.

That is what I call trying to cheer myself up because today has been one of those days. It’s only what now 10:05 AM. I was fighting with my alarm at around 5 AM. So yeah, I’ve been “diddling” around for about 5 hours. Well, until my Dæmon’s Medication Time. Didn’t I say something about him being all Nakey the other day (collarless)? Putting the collar back on and taking it off is getting easier. We also have him back on schedule, but he still wants hotdogs. I almost blew the microwave up in some way, I don’t know. $500.00 wouldn’t seem like much by comparison? Why yes, Lady Lu, I’m still “salty” at Serra Hyundai. Now I’m all sorts of worried about my car, and I haven’t left the house in how long? Every day I’m agreeing more with the Trumptards… Ignorance Is Bliss.

But I don’t want to be ignorant. As we have gone over again and again. STUPID is possibly the worse word in the English language. So I push buttons to read books every day. Am I learning from, um, Abby Knox, Eric Vall, or even my own work left unedited? I finally got back into Far Cry 5 the other day and, in less than a minute, blew something up? Yes, it was an accident. How about the times I died jumping off cliffs without my wingsuit deployed? I’ll try again tonight. Ok, try some hunting, ha. Speaking about guns… Yes, I’ll stick to video games or YouTube for now. All I’m doing is wasting time, even when I go to sleep on time. Ok, I’ll admit, an hour later, but I was talking to M. Anime. Please don’t let me screw this up seriously.

My mouth, my fingers, my pants. Pushing My Buttons Willie

I Will Have No Fear