Tag: I’m Sorry

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

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Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

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How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

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And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

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What’s hot enough… the next time I fall so far it better be worth the trip to Hell, worth my damnation to be sure, but I can’t stand the heat, well not then anyway but what about now. Heat Of The Moment, is it hot in here or is it just… oh?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear because I believe I have told the story of November 5th a few times… *sigh* ok if I must sum up, this dirty old “PERV” fell for a young eighteen-year-old, “Senseless” and I wrote her one poem and put some Twilight quote I believe on her windshield. Needless to say, history repeated itself and I nearly got fired; haven’t you always wondered why they call it getting fired at all.

I read somewhere that they would burn a person’s home when they wanted them to leave the village, sort of like “The Leftovers” I suppose, When that happened that man was trying to be some sort of psychic and here I was masquerading as a man with a Lolita complex… she is legal thankfully, not that it helped my case any. One of these days Inspector Echo we are going to discuss that but let’s focus on a definition of let’s say going to Hell.

Hell is sitting in an office, having your sins in black and white laid out before you and wondering why it’s taking so long to go all Fahrenheit 451. It’s being so hot for a person one minute and then the fires… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s already a rule “Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust”. Inspector Echo, Hell is doing your best impression of Nero as you watch your “empire” burn all around you and what can you do but sit back and fiddle, is that what he was doing, trying to take his mind off everything that was happening then?

People then wonder why I’m so cold, because it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be, as it was said in “The Immortal”. Now I was never in love with her, people talk about a certain type of culture nowadays but honestly, I understand why I don’t go to strip club… other than my anxiety, I hate the tease, and porn is free.

Now you want to know am I sorry for what I did, not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret, and I have wrong a lot of women with my inaction, my shyness, my fear, and that makes me a monster. So yes I am sorry but you know Heat Of The Moment.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

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Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

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My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

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You can look but don’t touch, better not to even look, wait why aren’t you looking… honestly, can I get my hands on an instruction manual for women but what man reads the instructions anyway? My Butter Fingers Honor

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear and on my butter fingers honor, the worse thing I have ever done to the fairer sex is, be scary. Don’t get me wrong Lady Echo, I can think of plenty I have done wrong but to bring about fear and I know fear, for everything I claim to know fear is the air I breathe and to think I could do that to someone else, I’m truly sorry Echo.

Now I could go on forever and a day about this and I haven’t thought about what’s her face in weeks but if you’ve been keeping track of current events, one name Harvey Weinstein. Is it selfish of me to hope that they don’t start removing all the movies he was involved in, how about to worry about all the men appearing in show business that may be in scandals themselves? I actually felt sick about the #MeToo campaign for all the wrong reasons; is it because I’m guilty, honestly, I’m into some things but the fear is my worse offense, I’m sure of it.

I study Ravishment but I’ve never taken any woman against her will, SSC, RACK, I do my homework and no I won’t apologize for ninety percent of the things I’m into, that other ten… My mother raised a gentleman can you believe that I open doors for women when my anxiety allows, I pay for dinner unless the woman owes me a ton of money, then I make dinner, I don’t catcall, I don’t lie, etc. Well okay, I told one woman that she and her friend looked like they should be on “Brazzers” or “Reality Kings” but that was a comment on a blog and I stopped easily enough.

I felt one woman up and she didn’t stop me because she said I would be upset and I apologized to her and there was the time we were wrestling and she got scared and I let go of her immediately, or the time I tried to get up her shirt and squeezed her ass. Women have it bad when it comes to men and all I know is that I want to be better, as far as women in my orbit one doesn’t really know me, another wants me to make a move but I won’t, and the last is wondering what she did wrong, I stay far away.

So is this worth anything today, acknowledgment of some if not all, saying I am wrong, truly I am sorry, on My Butter Fingers Honor.

“Hey.
Hold up.
Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I’m more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? Mightn’t I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals.
And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us.
Nah!” That’s No Lady, That’s My Cousin, Fresh Prince

I Will Have No Fear