Gospel 150 ~Will Makes It Possible~

I should just work through the night. Hell, I could get back to using energy drinks and be sick for a week, but at least I’ll be done. You know that saying, “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” “Will Makes It Possible,”

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Gospel 150 ~Will Makes It Possible~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but right now, I feel anything but. Here and Now… no, I don’t promise to love faithfully as the song goes. Hell, I abandoned you for years, and I’m still sorry about that. Anyway, I feel like David from The Fifth Element. I’m looking at the stone, which is my story. Not to mention another rock here or there. Okay, what I’m trying to say is AHEM, we’re not going to make it. I need 2000 plus words to finish on the 30th. Where am I now? I slept today away. I could give up plenty.

No, I don’t want to fail NaNoWriMo. What I mean is reading, an online game. I haven’t even looked at The Walking Dead game forever. You know I like Eric Vall, but it was a fight to stay woke. My other joy, I won’t mention but again, Six Impossible Things. Don’t you dare compare me to Trump; I take responsibility for my actions. Did I mention that my BFF, or should I say my 2nd BFF is in town? Um, my Dæmon has been a trooper today resting with his old man’s lazybones. Now, this week sucked ass, yep. So anyway, Indiana Gone and her hubby want to go to lunch. “Must Ee Nice” to be married a year; another song. Not like I’m getting any closer. I won’t lie; I’m scared to death to even say something to a woman now. Am I shy? I was holding my tongue at the Day Job, thankfully.

I’m forgetting so much, Lady Lu. Do you remember when I told you I’m watching an artist? I have no clue who it was, and I haven’t checked my money situation in ages. Everything has been either about NaNoWriMo or going to bed. Where do you think I’m typing from? Tonight though, I am trying. I’ll talk to you until 9:00 PM, and then come hell or high water, I’ll go have my Thanksgiving leftovers. Once again, Lady Lu, I will not lie to NaNoWriMo again. Either I make it, or I don’t. If I don’t, I won’t be buying another NaNoWriMo T-Shirt. Yes, I said purchase, but it’s like I wouldn’t deserve it if I fail. Tomorrow is lunch and of course TWD spinoffs, which I won’t miss ever.

I need that motivation in writing. Will Makes It Possible

I Will Have No Fear

Log 278 ~The Apocalypse Will Be~

One more week and I’m still well, writing, waking up later but getting a full night’s sleep even though I don’t want it because dare I say it, these words will be the end of me, while planning an Apocalypse. The Apocalypse Will Be

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Log 278 ~The Apocalypse Will Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but before that, I wasn’t much of nothing. Lady Luna, I don’t mean to be harmful, and I don’t want to sound like the “President,” either. This morning though, I had an epiphany, or I was dreaming about The Walking Dead. Perhaps great men are made by other great men. I’m well aware that’s from The Postman. Anyway, I was thinking about several things. Why I like the rain, why times such as this don’t scare me, why I’m a writer, where is that “dang” humming? So these words came out.

“You have to be larger than life, in the land of the dead.” Will Bradford

Today I want to talk about how I saw the apocalypse, working out. If anything, I’m a bit of a fan. I’ve heard and said often enough that “we need a new plague.” I’m well, thank you for asking, some allergies here or there. Can I sing out, I’ll Always Love My Mama, she said I never get sick? I see myself riding out the Coronavirus (COVID-19) like Matt Damon in Contagion. I tell you, My Lady, it sucks having all these ideas but no time. Am I using an old and tired excuse? No, I’m working on The Eve of a Cherry. I’m disappointed in myself as I didn’t make it to Five Thousand Words last night. Sticking to the matter at hand, well, hopefully not literally, I still imagine the end of the world in a brothel. In the first two chapters, though, I have already “buried” two bodies and one woman I didn’t even give a name.

“I made myself into a monster because that is what the world needed. I built something. I saved people. My name meant something.” ― Negan

In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock. ― Tyrion Lannister

Indiana Gone knows I’m a true believer in zombies and said that I really want them. It’s not that I’m bored, but when AMC can’t show the last episode of The Walking Dead. We should also keep the thought I’m a general misanthrope. I’ve also figured that some aliens might go all The 5th Wave on our butts someday. Well, minus the actual 5th because that didn’t make sense to me in their plan of attack. Also, the truth is I never finished the series. I’m still trying to finish The Gargoyle for the third time. Finally, what about a Machine War or better a Machine Love Fest? I did enter that RealDollX Sweepstakes; Sex Robot?

“She was trapped. Hungry. Alone. Like me. She was the last thing left in this world that I loved. She protected me. She got me here. Made me larger than life and I made this place.” The Well, King Ezekiel

“People want someone to follow. It’s the human nature. They want someone to make them feel safe. People who feel safe are less dangerous, more productive. They see a dude with a tiger, they start telling stories about finding it in the wild. Wrestling it into submission, turning it into his pet. They make the guy larger-than-life. A hero! Who am I to burst their bubble?” The Well, King Ezekiel

I’ve written better endings, but still The Apocalypse Will Be?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 228 ~Pancakes And The Willies~

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, THEY say, and while I can’t say I cook much, my heart is with a little four-legged kid who only yesterday turned 15, and yet I’m not bringing home a new mom. Pancakes And The Willies hmm

Friday, February 14, 2020

Log 228 ~Pancakes And The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and one day I will buy My Dæmon a pool full of fries. Yesterday was his birthday, and perhaps for this month, I want to share his story. It’s not like I’m reading anything or anybody cares. I even missed one Friday, but okay, let’s call this the story of Pancakes.

I tell my son every day, “I love you like pancakes.” When he wasn’t even a year old, and he was my nephew (my sister decided to have two-legged children). Anyway, I took him walking, he needed fresh air and to work his little legs. The next morning, he was looking handsome and healthy, he was happy. So I went to the kitchen as I forgot a drink with my breakfast. Coming back to my room, here was my wee little puppy man on the bed. His head buried in syrup goodness of French Toast or waffles. Lady Sophia to be young again. I should also ask what they put in those sausages since he avoided them? A day after that, another microwavable breakfast, this time pancakes. Fool me once, right. So I place them up high from his reach. My Mom says, “You must love pancakes,” the first reason.

The second comes from The Walking Dead, Episode 6×11 “Knots Untie.” Abraham and Glenn were talking about Maggie’s pregnancy. Abraham said when Glenn was pouring the “Bisquick,” was he trying to make “Pancakes.” Now I didn’t make my firstborn, but he is my son. He’s my child a Prince, a Protector, my “ride or die” Partner. Lady Sophia, he’s my best friend; that’s all I need to know. When I found myself here in this place, there wasn’t even a question he was staying with me without question. My Mom again would tell me when I was still living with them that he would defend my room and me against anything. Even now, as always, he’s lying here. Yep, taking a break from his patrol to be at my side.

Lastly, he hops into my lap, curls up, and sleeps without fail, that’s trust. He forms the perfect warm little pancake right there, and it’s like he melts. Sometimes he’ll even bring his favorite toy. I ask you, Lady Sophia, after feeling such love, is it any wonder I’m scared? 15 is a considerable age, so Pancakes And The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 309 ~Remember, Keep Your Head Up~

My head hurts, the other head actually but I’m keeping him in his pants while my brain is going all sorts of crazy today, but I keep pushing forward, looking into the future which has been written but not published. “Remember, Keep Your Head Up”

Monday, May 6, 2019

Episode 309 ~Remember, Keep Your Head Up~

Eighty-Third Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now; I can see everything I want to own here and now. The women I want to fuck (LANGUAGE) Lena Paul and Milf Dos or must I go back to the redheads. So I’m sitting in my bed with three different screens not wanting for anything. Tell that to my pants. Three screens are a bit excessive. I’m not giving up porn. More often than not when I rise from my bed; I’m cursing the sky above instead of being grateful for another day. I am thankful Justice (Positive Vibes).

There is plenty to be down about Madam Justice. I might be making a mistake here. Not complaining about money, “There Is More Than Enough To Go Around). Anyway, Norton decided to rob me, but they’ve never let me down in terms of security. In other news on watchdogs you know I’m preoccupied with it. So many secrets and then someone goes and steals my equipment at the day job. I hate the place, still trying to get out of two shifts but damn. I am damned considering what I’ve said to Milf Dos. I swear why can’t my mouth be as hard to open as my eyes are in the morning. Wouldn’t this explain why I like BDSM and tying people up? As they say, the hands are the Devil’s playthings, and I’ll burn.

I’m not a pessimist Madam Justice. That spotlight at the end of the tunnel isn’t Hellfire, an oncoming train, or a firefight. I am still rooting for a zombie apocalypse or The Purge day. But more so a sunny day on the beach with “MY” family, so an optimist dreams only of the third? While I ask the UNIVERSE and yes keep my head up. I know better than to spend my life dreaming, of the heat of the sun. I AM a realist. I look forward and adjust my path. Like at this moment right now. I am not giving in to the temptations of girls in books, on Facebook and Twitter. I tell myself I’ll get the money back, damn Norton and my raging libido on most days.

Also, I don’t intend to go crazy. My father said he would knock my head from my shoulders. Only no pike is waiting for me, not now or ever. Madam Justice I’m awake and alive, Remember, Keep Your Head Up.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” TWD

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 270 ~Will Read In Bed~

Green, Yellow, Red, though I have always been one for brunettes myself, I can name quite a few redheads that aren’t pornstars; well until I head to “The Moonlite Bunny Ranch” someday, write my book, make a movie. Will Read In Bed.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Episode 270 ~Will Read In Bed~


Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, opening a novelty store on top of all my business ventures. I can’t say it was on my to-do list. Plenty of girls are but anyway the Moonlite BunnyRanch has one. So “Second Circle Creations” needs its Merch as well.

Today, however (Tuesday 26th) “I’m just a little Unwell” as the song goes. I wish I could believe that this is all about women. I hate when pretty girls die, Enid, Tara, Addy. Relax, I’m talking about The Walking Dead and how old is Addy or Kelley Mack? I am not my father. Violence against women is a big HELL NO. Only I am a dominant, so in the spirit of SSC, I do enjoy some rough play. Still today the only red I see besides my eyes is my wrist, from popping myself. Okay, so I have looked up several “redheads” or the like today. I need anything just anything to take the edge of today’s ugly events. I’m so greedy Dirty Diana that goes without saying but here:

  1. Two Different “Addys” Z Nation, TWD
  2. Tessa Fowler
  3. Siri
  4. Court
  5. Ruby Rae
  6. Alice Little

Of course, that’s in no particular order. The red hair gets to me today. Yesterday it was blondes. Tomorrow probably goldilocks but it’s something about seeing dark haired girls. Decapitated, heads on pikes, reanimated that turns me off. Call me crazy but Frankie? You know that’s it. Enid, Tara, and Addy, I felt such attraction to but Frankie, I guess I didn’t feel the same. Not that she’s unattractive, but I think I didn’t see enough of her. Like my writing, I always need a muse in reality. Which also explains why I suck at it. Me being a louse, and how dare I make lists, that’s trouble. For now, my problems are named STRESS, HUMILIATION, and RAGE. I swear, my blood was boiling. I could stomp my way to Hell itself. Damn my wrist is ready to fall off with my punishments, you know.

Get your mind out of the gutter Dirty Diana; you remain innocent. I’m the guilty one and let’s not go into politics. I’m talking about my fantasies. You know I told you about my Purge TV story? Two runaway cultists want to hide with me. They are willing to do anything to stay the night. After The Walking Dead episode “The Calm Before” I’d like to be Prince Henry. I have to choose between Lydia and Addy (age appropriate). Could be a voyeur/participant. As Enid, Tara, perhaps Addy try to “convince” The Whisperers not to kill them by any means necessary. Cruel fantasies you think and haven’t I talked about escape. Should I instead be kept to the red of my anger? Some woman, book, or sweet dream. My Dirty Diana, Will Read In Bed.

I Will Have No Fear

More Rest Than Art “Peace”

Was I looking for a miracle or a night’s sleep, I don’t believe in one, and I sleep too much to call it a night or maybe since I never know peace it’s hard to imagine it, but I held such hope for The Art of Peace. More Rest Than Art “Peace”

The dead don’t entirely rest in peace; I’m a zombie junkie so stop me if you heard this one *ahem* I read this because I watched “The Walking Dead” Season Six, Episode 4 “Here’s Not Here” I mean when has The Walking Dead ever been wrong… Already I want to make excuses for “The Art of Peace” I read it on my Kindle, maybe I was having a hard time when I read it, so I was exhausted, or I could have been expecting some grand miracle, well I finished it, does that count some, not that it’s so terrible.

Three stars without a doubt but for some reason I couldn’t stick with it, I took martial arts as a child, Karate not Aikido, so like back then do I blame the teacher or my “father” he indeed has better taste in books but I was looking for another man for guidance. I wonder why The Art of Peace became a prop for Lennie James a.k.a. Morgan Jones but shouldn’t I be blaming John Stevens who translated the book or more so Morihei Ueshiba who’s the author? Even now I wasn’t ready to read the paperback copy that I bought because I must be missing something, the urge to like this title is so strong within me, and it wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I was expecting so much.

Don’t get me wrong with the Kindle version I read you do get a big backstory on Morihei Ueshiba and in some parts; I can understand why he would develop such a philosophy for life after everything that he experienced. Maybe that’s the problem that he became decorated as so godlike, and despite the superhuman feats it came off more like someone who was only spouting a phrase here or there that sounded deep, and nobody wanted to challenge him. A lot wiser than the Bible without all the things that people attempt to hide but still an ideology that I couldn’t exactly get behind despite everything I highlighted within.

It could be that I was looking for that one moment from The Walking Dead and I might have found it but it didn’t resonate the same way with me; let me discover myself in a zombie apocalypse though and I might beg to reread this. As I said with the hope of proving myself and these three stars wrong and I wouldn’t mind learning Aikido maybe it’s the fact that I have no practical experience in the culture but then again I read erotica…

Maybe I read it too fast which is saying something with the fact that I fell asleep sometimes, not because of the book hopefully but I was attempting to push through when perhaps I should have practiced meditation on what I read. Once I got past the biography of the man, the wisdom was seen to a certain extent, as he said The Art of Peace is continually evolving over time and from one person to another which I find entirely true without a doubt.

If anything while reading this I wasn’t interested in fighting anyone, but I didn’t care to do much of anything else, maybe in a way I guess the book did its job though perhaps novel is the wrong word for this title as short as it was. What about that don’t judge a book by its cover because when I looked at the size of the book, I was already disappointed, and that’s why I snatched up my Kindle copy so quickly as well sadly. I don’t know whether peace is supposed to be so easy to have or so hard to understand, it’s there regardless of whichever you choose, and for me it was hard but wisdom is not to know acknowledgment in a day, and it took me quite a few to finish.

Perhaps it wasn’t as motivating as I hoped, most of the motivational jargon I’ve listened to and watched and read gets me ready to do something but this more to the point, and I keep saying it is to find peace. The pacing I found slow and somewhat repetitive, but that’s because well I’m human and see even now I’m beginning to feel I missed the point of the book entirely but I was thrown off by the history of the man and not by his great words. What about the “word art” I can’t honestly say that I got it, other than the fact that when I was younger, I did go through a phase of finding beauty in the Asian culture and for once I don’t only mean the women; does that make me sexist, I do wonder?

Again I return to The Walking Dead and the idea that I figured this book would change me but I was better off sticking with that moment of realization between Morgan and Eastman and while I continue to realize I need this peace, the practical application of it I have found daunting. Much like reading the book, yes when I get more time, I want to study it at least once more, and this time I will read the physical copy and see if that will help me understand better.

The Art of Peace did reawaken a bit of “Asian Persuasion” again in all areas such as ideology, anime, and Martial Arts, though I don’t think Aikido is for me, though if I could combine it with something else, I might give it a chance. Speaking of giving this book a chance, three stars out of five and the fact that I do want to reread it at that is high praise. There are five-star books that leave me wrecked that I don’t think I could rehash because there would be nothing left of me and so much for reviews.

With The Art of Peace, I know there is something more for me; if I only have the patience to find it which I suppose can be counted as a life lesson and wasn’t that the whole point, to learn something that will help me in my day to day life? In that regard, while I already mentioned the Bible, don’t expect this to help with your day to day life though it is easier to read honestly and isn’t likely to tell you, while you are divine that everybody is somehow trash. It doesn’t bring out the worst flaws of humanity but instead tells us there is a way to live however it does not tell me how not to punch-out my co-workers but rather why I shouldn’t truthfully.

Which is also one of the problems I’ve gone over, it has somewhat of a deep mysticism to it and while I do believe that Morihei Ueshiba was a gifted human being, given that this title is his true teachings it still seems a bit too incredible too much. Also with these ideas of life and I would be the first one to admit that my life isn’t exactly something to write about, I felt as though I was slogging through this for the most part. I feel as though The Art of War would be more to my liking even though The Art of Peace states that this is more the way of the warrior, so maybe by reading the other I will understand what I have read all the more in time maybe.

I can’t stress this enough but if not for The Walking Dead I probably wouldn’t have bothered with this, and I do feel somewhat the better for having read this and in trying to understand it, as best as I can. Though I wouldn’t suggest that you be at peace when you begin reading this; it will probably keep you from resting in because who has time to think about all the evils in the world when this is undoubtedly More Rest Than Art “Peace?”

Lesson 338 ~Pour The Bisquick, Expect Pancakes~

Abraham Ford, now there was a good man and Rick Grimes who was the father in The Walking Dead, and its hero; well, I guess we all have to grow up sometime and start making breakfast for ourselves. Pour The Bisquick, Expect Pancakes and make them good

Monday, June 4, 2018

Lesson 338 ~Pour The Bisquick, Expect Pancakes~

Thirty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, considering this will be somewhat of a repeated lesson, Rule Fifteen, Lesson 198 “I Take My Own Lumps” but this is more about responsibility in both failures and with success? Also, you’ve heard me tell this story before “I love my dog like pancakes” first because he ate my waffles, French Toast, whatever so Pancakes is what I have left, secondly he’s my son, and I couldn’t love him more if I “poured the Bisquick” to make him, I’m Dad.

This rule is a reminder that if you do something you must accept the consequences both good and evil and you deal; being an African-American man I’ve heard more than my fair share of absent father rhetoric. My father, other than from a financial standpoint wasn’t one for affection, other than cheating on my mom but that’s another story, the thing is even when cheating, my half-brother, myself, my sister and discovered half-brother were taken care of honestly. Every action we take, like “Detroit: Become Human” you knew that was coming right, reshapes the world and our destiny and if you perform a particular action you must expect or at least be prepared for the repercussions of such a performance.

One thing I can’t tolerate is evil that refuses to acknowledge itself; they say true evil believes that it’s doing good and I agree somewhat but then I look at Trump and his peons and I mean if you’re going to be racists well go ahead but don’t try to hide it. You see Bisquick can make other things besides pancakes and even if you’re hoping for pancakes they could still be god awful. I’m reminded some of “World War Z” not sure if this is a rule, but it will be “Remember, Be The 10th Man” you know The Tenth Man Rule, how you must expect the unexpected if only life was so exciting.

However, if you have sex with a woman, you either make a baby, or you don’t, of course, you can take precautions, but things have that 99% guarantee for a reason, like believing in God in case there is a Heaven. When it comes to my dog though, I adored him the moment I saw the ball of fluff, and I will love and protect him until the end Justice.

I’m a man; my father might not have been a great one, good, alright, whatever but he looks after his responsibilities, and I will; as well when it comes to my life if you smell what The Will is cooking… Pour The Bisquick, Expect Pancakes.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 162 ~Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem~

Whatever doesn’t kill you is likely to try again, and it will face someone far stronger, smarter, and sinful; today I should be having fun, trying to take over the world, you know whatever comes up. Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem from now on I hope.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Lesson 162 ~Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem~

To Will:
No Fear because that is something we are giving to tomorrow, it’s like I was telling our dear Lady Lu, if there is no tomorrow then why not put everything there and enjoy today. Look you’re already up, with book review ready; should have been done yesterday, you see, pain, problems, and the past must find their way to tomorrow and if you see it just keep passing it on, is that healthy?

Well, you have as Rick Grimes put it stuff and things to do, why not make that goal, find what you want to do rather than what you half to do because we know that tomorrow is going to suck. Hell, today might be awful but if we are going back to the five minutes before the world ends scenario why not make it a good five minutes, I know you can go much longer than that my friend. It’s now about three weeks and other than the pain yesterday that had you laid up, you’re not doing that again because that’s tomorrow’s mistake waiting.

From now instead of running from yesterday and even today, let everything that scares you, hurts you, tries to kill you be waiting and today you just have to get stronger, be better prepared, let yourself enjoy. I know despite all that you’re worried about The Walking Dead, but that should be the worst of it because tomorrow is coming regardless and it will still be ahead of you, fear should be running. For now, you’re not in any real pain, you’re getting shit done, you’re learning, and while terror perhaps will always be your greatest enemy the fact that you’re up and about healthy is a reason to be grateful remember that, being thankful.

I don’t mean to get religious on you or anything but remember how you felt last night, how old you are how much time you’ve wasted, hell did you have a bit of backbone with the manager. If you’re standing, if you’re breathing, fight, and let the pain and blood be there tomorrow as a testament to that, I can’t seem to stress that enough.

Today you write, work on a character, get those reviews up, take a shower, you know you need it and let the pain go, let it run smackdab into tomorrow because Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear