Tag: Dog

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

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It’s been 11 days, and not one has passed without me in tears. What I’ve read has only served as a reminder that you’re not here, and yet what do I do. As always, refill the water and, on the other, dust off my nightstand for everything. B For I Look

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine… are you looking at McDonald’s or my shoes, the door outside, or my face.

I’m looking for you everywhere. Probably one of the reasons I keep crying because I’m scared I won’t see you again. I slept a bit late today and jumped. Only you can’t go missing… your meds still in the bottle. Your water once again I refilled. A treat, 11 now. I can still smell you all around, your bed and mine, my hoodie. I feel you wrapped around my legs. My hands, sometimes it’s like I’ve dropped something, and then I remember. I would give anything to share a fry with you. I would have called the silence the worst. Nope, it was that final look we shared. I still don’t know if it was goodbye, a why, a sigh as you left me here.

Yet I keep looking for you. Maybe you’re in the backyard though I haven’t opened those doors since you’ve been gone. Every morning I climb out of the shower expecting you in your bed. At night you’d be outside the bathroom whining. Hated evening showers. Braxton, I haven’t been on my knees once to look under the bed, to clean your bathroom pad, or to talk to God. Of course, that third one didn’t happen too often. If I were looking to the divine, I would turn to you. I was blind, and now I see. Only where’d you go. Rainbow Bridge seems to be the consensus. Heaven. I swear I looked for you in the sky yesterday, and it’s been raining ever since B.

If I could see you again, you would be right here with me. Right by my side, walked and full of treats. Wondering why I got up late as I’m still typing. When You were young, you’d going tearing around and about. I’d find your favorite toy, throw it around. Now Braxton, where do I find you? Give me strength as I find the pendant I had made for you. Yesterday you were in a bag, your life, everything I’ve known or wanted to, sitting next to me. You’re on my nightstand picture frame, name plaque stuck to a box. Braxton, you’re on a card in words of doctors and friends, second BFF your grandma. Only you’re not lost, I know B For I Look.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

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I don’t want to talk about other people’s stories now. It’s only been a few days, and I keep thinking I should write out Braxton’s. That is when I can see straight for a little while. Not from hunger but too many tears. “For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.”

Friday, February 5, 2021

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I still buy pancakes. I’ve told the pancake stories, and here we go again, ready?

Braxton was young, and I was too old to still live with my Olds; much too old. I had a thing for Aunt Jemima French Toast, or maybe it was waffles. One morning after getting breakfast, I forgot a drink and left the food sitting on my bed. I come back and find this ball of fluff soaked in syrup, a big grin on his face, happy as can be. Well, the next day, I sit a plate of pancakes out of his reach. My Mom comes by and says, “You must really love pancakes.” That’s how I love my son. I would start saying, “I love you like pancakes,” meaning I placed him higher than anything in my life. My heart, my mind, Heaven…

When he was born, though… I wasn’t there. He came into my life in the hands of his grandfather. Braxton couldn’t have been more mine, but he started as a “gift” to my sister. I should have treated him as my “present” every day, but come another Sunday and TWD…

“When you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” from TWD.

I made Braxton my son. He made me a better man, an alright one, a father. He died Sunday but today’s not that story. Not for you anyway, as I try to block it out, but it plays again; my little boy, dying there. I’ll start crying again, and not a day has gone by without tears. Making other kids…

No, not one could sit in my lap the way he did; how he would curl up as if I were a plate and he was a pancake. No matter what, he was a little prince, and I was his throne. Sometimes he would bring his toy like a scepter and sit it beside me. He would place it in my lap when he rather not be bothered. Near the end, he would lie there, sweating, “leaking” I don’t know what. I still haven’t washed the sheets or his stuff. If it weren’t for work, he would always be on my jeans. Everyone tells me to eat, and right now… Hell, my stomach will be filled, but I am empty. Needing, For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

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First off, I won’t be talking to Dirty Diana anymore. Thursdays are now for Braxton, well, every day, but I wanted to talk to him today. There would have never been enough time as I sat there or when he was here with me. Eyes Have It Will he is.

Thursday, February 4, 2021

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

Just Me Baby B,
I’m sorry! It’s like I ordered onion rings instead of fries. The way your eyes would light up; Braxton, your eyes.

Your grandma says I should remember the “happy” times. I’m trying, but that doesn’t really mean anything, does it? The look you gave me knowing that. “Daddy, can we go home?” You struggled, but always, you were so strong, never wanting me to worry. Did you understand as you walked along to your water bowl? When the assistant, carried you. As we sat there waiting. “I don’t like it here. Why are you crying? Let’s go home.” I should have told them, give me those last few days. Fuck my job, fuck everything, and have you stay because all you wanted was to come home. At least I keep telling myself that. And you are here, the moment I returned and saw your gate waiting.

Were you looking towards those pearly ones or The Rainbow Bridge? You didn’t even look at your leg; they taped up for…Braxton, you looked at me. It’s been that way, always and forever. Since your syrupy face days. When I was a troll still living with my parents. Every morning you would run to the gate, my little Cerberus. You’d come back, “aren’t you proud dad, huh dad.” When I would come back from the Day Job and fall into bed. You’d nuzzle me and turn towards the door. I’d find you sitting there on the end of the bed, waiting for any sign of life. I knew before she even said the words. I knew. Your eyes, that spark, our time together, “He’s gone.”

Betrayal, Bad News, Be Alive, B III, please like before. Only the words wouldn’t come, and what could they do now. What could I do? That final look somehow encompasses everything. “Why can’t I stay?” “You Bastard!” “But Daddy?” “Goodbye.” It made it, I don’t know what, as I walked along. Your bed, collar, toy, leash, hoodie, and everyone saw. You were looking, I know. Despite all these things that I have done, it’s as if the world vanished. For some reason, I looked to the sky, and in the sun, it was like you were looking right at me, saying, “I’m still here, Daddy, it’s okay.” I believe you…

“Be good, Daddy. I love you. Make good decisions.” Watch over me, Braxton, I shall try. Eyes Have It, Will.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Lesson 295 ~Happily Editing After Right~

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Whatever will I do with myself tomorrow… editing sounds so much harder than writing, but now it’s time to start living again maybe; didn’t take me the whole month to finish but decisions, decisions. Happily Editing Ever After

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Lesson 295 ~Happily Editing After Right~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today though you might have been once upon a time as they say and this just isn’t a story thing it’s life; you feel like it maybe you’re in a state of Mania if you’re honest. You go from the excitement of being so close to the end of the novel, a little over a thousand words left to go and then a depression over is this honestly how April is passing? How about the fact that your hours at work are down so dramatically but at the same time, there is more time to write, to edit; and how many novels have you gone through, I’m just saying.

What about outside of writing, so many things are coming up “Fear The Walking Dead,” “Into The Badlands,” and “Westworld” I guess you won’t be watching much YouTube for a while except to catch some reactions am I right? I’d say you deserve some time off and think about it if all goes well in May, you could be holding your book, not the novel because that’s not happening but poetry without that dreaded fifty-thousand-word cap? The world will start turning again soon enough, and then you can begin work on these six impossible things right because let’s see hmm:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 36 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 43 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Partial Completion (Yard’s A Mess, Nails Trimmed But Paw Got Caught In His Collar)
3. I Will Find Out What My Book Is About
Completed
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
Failed
5. I Will Post A Review
Failed
6. I Will Write My Book
Completed (Just Over A Thousand Words The End)

At the moment though you’re hurting, woke up late today trying to work out an ending, the dog wants all the attention you can give him, getting his paw stuck again doesn’t count, it’s time for a new groomer because PetSmart sucks. Today is dull because anything left of creativity has been thrown into your story and even now, getting back to the grindstone sounds exhausting. You’re going to make it though because that is what you do and it’s not even three thousand words today just a thousand one hundred, not a challenge but then again six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 43 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves (Cut The Yard? Find A Pet Groomer)
3. I Will Not Trash My New Novel
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
5. I Will Post A Review
6. I Will Finish My Book

You honestly need to break the habit of writing out the problem (Novel) and not to seek out the answer (Editing) nobody knows your work nowhere near as you. The day job wants to keep you a “slave to the rhythm,” but this isn’t loving, not sure what it is exactly. All you know is once upon a time there was something else, and it might have been better than this feeling but to find it again you have to discover, Happily Editing After Right?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

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Dogs are man’s best friend, and you don’t keep your friends in cages do you, or bubble wrap, and there is a leash law but tell that to everyone else and bugs will be bugs sadly. It’s A Hairy Situation

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today, and I am still worried about my kid; I had a bit of a revelation this morning about fear as he and I went for our walk. How often do I talk about fear and courage is merely facing fear and doing what you want or must, hell just being able to live my life and his.

Anyway, as we both know fear haunts me and when you’re a father; no I can never be ashamed of the fact that I think of him as my son; how many fears have I faced because of that fact? No today’s sin is no matter what; I can’t protect him from everything, isn’t that my job, what parent admits such a thing or outright fails at it when they are needed most? I thought I saw a tick burrowing into his fur and you know how he is when it comes to bugs, his nails, and other small emergencies and if I can’t handle such things what about the big ones that will happen?

It’s not just my failures as a dad though, he frightens me Inspector Echo, this little six to eight pounds of fluff can scare me and not just because of his health, no he is just like me, angry, terrified, not knowing what’s best for him. Why do you think he takes baths at the groomers, nails clipped there too, the vet on speed dial every time he gets a tick because I am incapable? Don’t I sound like some worthless Republican afraid of the children only in this case, he’s mine and as much as I want to blame his “grandfather” or any number of bad experiences, his fears and mine, fall to me.

“You failed. You failed as a leader and most of all Rick, you failed as a father. Just… give up.” The Lost and the Plunderers

He’s bitten me before when I needed to stop him from terrorizing the neighborhood; on multiple occasions in fact for any number of things, a bit ironic that I can’t prevent things from biting him because he’ll chew me. So we endure, have and will because love perhaps is the highest sin of all, and now is not the time for a God kick thankfully.

I only ask your forgiveness for realizing that some fears, a father’s love will always remain, the fact that I can protect him from other dogs but he won’t let me help with the little things; how I should be a better man but I know It’s A Hairy Situation.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

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Who’s a good dog, if he doesn’t know that by now then I am honestly no type of father and despite all my failures, being the man that he needs me to be is something that I can not afford to fail, not ever. “Be Who My Dog Deserves”

Monday, March 19, 2018

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

Twenty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today but that doesn’t matter now does it, because when you love it merely means you put them ahead of you and the more love you give, the more returns to you or so I’ve been told that’s how it works. Think about it, most pets have four legs, birds have wings, other pets have their qualities, and yet they say that a dog is man’s best friend; such real words.

“All I know is that the boy was my charge. And if he was not the word of God. Then God never spoke.” The Road

Sometimes I ask myself, what great sin did this dog have to commit, earning his lot in life; I remember begging and pleading with my father for a dog, and sure my sister and I had my grandma’s dogs, but here my sister never mentioned a dog ever. Next thing I know my father walks in with this few pounds of fluff for her; I raised him, I did all I could do, and when the time came to move it wasn’t a question, just get in the car. We have fought side by side, bled together, same enemies, saved each other’s lives, and perhaps one of my greatest sins is that he turned out to be like me, which begs the question, what on Earth have I done wrong?

“He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me” ― Harry Chapin, Cat’s In The Cradle (1974)

I know I’ve said that I pretended that my future wife is watching me and I want to be better because maybe if I am; if I can be that man I may be able to find her finally. At my age I know I’m not ready to be her boyfriend, her man, her husband. Then again I wasn’t prepared to be a father, to think I scoffed when I watched all the other kids with the “Pumped Up Kicks” including my sister making babies and despite everything, I could say I wasn’t making such decisions, taking such risks, and somehow that made me better. Only I have Madam Justice, I have when it comes to my dog, and I have to make it right which means as the song goes I must be The Best Man I Can Be.

He just made Level 13 on February 13 and as I often tell “Indiana Gone,” “I love him like pancakes,” and I look forward to him being Level 20 and beyond but I’m not stupid for once; he has a heart murmur, he’s developing cataracts. The vet says surgery is risky but if there is a chance? All I know is I can’t name five humans that I love or love me that equal him. I love him enough that every day I even ask him, “are you a happy puppy, is this your best life,” I want him to meet my family one day. I need him to know that I’ll be okay that as I loved him, he saved me but most importantly of all I need to Be Who My Dog Deserves.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 248 ~Four Feet of Furry~

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I asked a friend once did they think my dog referred to me as Dad or even dearest human, she was the first person he liked that wasn’t in my immediate family the people that raised me. “Four Feet of Furry,” how I tried my best with my fur baby.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Lesson 248 ~Four Feet of Furry~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore; I suppose I can’t afford to be, though our children always tend to age us and how about the time it took me to find you, my love. We even gave time, “A Second Hand,” I’m not sure if that’s a dad joke or our kids will get it yet, but I like to think that this one does, that head tilt.

Yeah, I was a single father before I met you, adopting this bundle of joy… I wouldn’t go that far, but this is my kid, my son, my fur baby and Cupid himself. I’ve always said that the first girl he could stand would be the woman for me… I guess I let him down in that regard but then there was you, and what can I say, you never gave up on him on either of us just saying. If he shows to any degree what kind of father I am, the man that I am going to have to be, there’s no one else I would rather have by my side; I mean you and him both honestly.

If I can chase those four little paws around for thirteen years, and then some then a baby should be a piece of cake right… no more mammoth naps but I can hear my little one cry over anything and if there is anything I’ve learned in this world humans can be a lot more vocal. I hope so; it scares me to think how much he’s like me and to have another son that takes after me, or a daughter with your beauty and my charming personality… I think between the three of us; the kids will be alright; three and a half hopefully.

“If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open” With Arms Wide Open

I’m always quoting a song but how about the idea I wish I found you sooner so I could love you longer, my best friend saw me in my early twenties, and we haven’t been apart longer than three months. I promised him he would be part of a real family and while his position on the bed might come into question he has plenty to choose from thanks to us, the things four feet can do, don’t you think?

Does he think I’m a good dad, do you think I’m a good husband, god I want to be, I want to be the person my dog thinks I am, maybe he knows I’m ready, love comes in all shapes and sizes and with his, all Four Feet Of Furry.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

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The look of love, although I’m sure all the treats and getting to sleep in my bed helps as well, and if I have to be a seeing eye man for him than so be, I’m just upset that the world is such an ugly and scary place to see. “A Sight To See,” one day…

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it will all be there tomorrow, that’s what I tell my dog all the time when he’s in a rush for his walk or to go outside and play, it will all be there tomorrow. Maybe it’s a bad habit, pushing for tomorrow when there is only today and who knows what tomorrow bring; didn’t I already say once, leave every problem to tomorrow, make your troubles run from you.

It helps when you can see them, yes I’m still thinking about the bitch with a blog, hell I’m nevertheless thinking about my blog, one-hundred and ninety-six days in and I always feel the need to explain myself. If I could only see myself the way my son sees me and who knows how long that will last as I just got the news yesterday, the vet says my son is starting to develop cataracts. Trust me, Lady Luna, I hate the look of this world, to quote the president “shithole” see I’m good enough to be president though that isn’t a good thing anymore.

I want to show my kid, yeah he’s thirteen now which is maybe sixty-eight in dog years, last I checked and hope but anyway I want him to see a world that we don’t have to be afraid of; hell at least he dares to see it. There is no such luck for me, you know I’m one for definitions of Hell and here are a few more, Hell is despising who you see in the mirror, it’s condemning who other people see when they look at you, it’s finding yourself stuck, frozen, lake Cocytus. Lady Luna, Hell is people leaving, it’s so close to something you desire and knowing you’ll never have it. Indeed it’s a fire that burns in all the wrong ways.

The thing is I still want to see it, I want him to see it, but I can’t help, but wonder has it passed us by, is it only in our heads, why is it I love the darkness, but I would want to end it all if I ever went blind? Wouldn’t it be something if we all could see through the eyes of those who love us, imagine how we would feel then?

That is what I have learned today, I look at him, and from the first moment I have loved him, cared for him, and I would be his eyes if he needs me to be, now if only I cared to see myself, would I become A Sight To See?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 115 ~I’m So Damn Hot~

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Beautiful might be a better word, how about gorgeous, cute, pretty, or what have you, but it’s been a long time since I have been lovesick, felt passion, heat, or anything else. “I’m So Damn Hot” or maybe that’s just been the weather lately

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Lesson 115 ~I’m So Damn Hot~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear but before you think I have a big head or I lack the confidence to say such a thing, to quote Olaf “I like warm hugs”; I’m not exactly a Disney nerd but that movie isn’t going anywhere. Neither and I for the most part, no I’m not leaving you, for shame, what I mean is I’m more of a stay in, curl up with a good book, warm super soup belly, mug of tea, movie fanatic guy, just saying.

Good thing I married you because I ‘d be damned if I let you steal one of my hoodies, though I’ll admit it looks good on you and I suppose we’ll have to talk about the thermostat situation. I love the heat but need the cold to sleep, I’m somewhat cold-blooded and not just in video games… I did mention being a nerd right? I was born up north but I’m pretty much a southern boy, though I could see myself in California, someday, a private beach or a wooded glen, away from something that burns me up, which would be most people being honest.

Someplace the fire department would have a hell of a time finding… sounds ominous, just my way of saying I don’t cook, though I know a girl here or there that would have a difference of opinion. If it wasn’t for a microwave and you I suppose I would have starved a long time ago. You know things are bad when the dog hides under the bed or suddenly wants out of the house any moment I turn on the stove or look at the oven or crockpot. Speaking of getting out of the house, I do enjoy going on hikes, not that I have anything against long walks on the beach but what’s best is just sitting next to you, playing footsy in the lake, reading that collection of poetry I finally got around to writing, when that’d happen?

Your arms around me, hot showers, and doing things that should get us both sent straight to Hell but to quote a song, “It’s Only Love”. If it is a Hell-worthy trespass for wanting you the way I do, needing you more than anything else, feeling the way I do and especially if you feel the same way well, at least we’ll be together hmm?

If anything I’ll always burn for you, “I’ll Melt With You” because you’re so damn hot, I’m so damn hot.

“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.”
― from Charles Bukowski

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 108 ~And Maybe I Snore~

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To someone so I won’t have to dream alone someday, that is when I do dream; sleep, more like the walking dead these days and I’m looking for that perfect zombie apocalypse partner. And Maybe I Snore but I haven’t had anyone to tell me.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Lesson 108 ~And Maybe I Snore~

Dear Future Wife,
It’s a valid question if I snore or not, I’m sure before we take such a step you’ll have plenty of chances to learn the truth of this. I can tell you with utmost certainty that I sleep like a log, I get up for two things in no particular order, work, the dog, and you, any other time I’ll probably be dead to the whole world.

People can be exhausting but with you, as corny as this might sound, you have to be the dream, honestly, as much as I sleep I don’t find many opportunities to dream because I’m searching for you and when we’re together… I don’t want to miss a thing and no I don’t sing in my sleep and I’m pretty sure I don’t talk, at least the last time I recall I woke up rattling off cheat codes to Star Wars: Rogue Squadron. I think you’re pretty used to the quiet when it comes to me, more than a quirk, or a habit, a necessity because yes, people take a lot out of me but you…

On one hand, I would say you wake me up to everything in this world and I’ll never get bored and on the other, you can find both my love and my trust in you as I lie here. There is only one other who has ever known this and you’ll find him at the foot of the bed curled up, standing guard, or simply watching TV when I’m out like a light or trying to read. Sharing my bed, I swear that dog must trust you, he’ll get used to you, and he sleeps as much as I do, I can’t help but wonder what he’ll do with you around and me lying here.

I have always imagined that we’ll have lots more to do but nothing makes me happier than to lie here next to you, reading until we can’t hold up a book, watching a movie and knowing we’ll have to watch the whole thing tomorrow, or listening to our playlist on a Saturday morning for a few hours. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy being in bed for other things and you won’t ever have to worry about a cup of coffee, though I’ll buy you a machine if you like, I’ve never been one to indulge myself.

And maybe I snore, I’m still waiting to confirm that but I look forward to the day we find out, someday, how long until then?