Tag: Dog

Gospel 246 ~You Reading Me Braxton~

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I’m wondering if Braxton found somebody like our friend Indiana Gone to type for him. Maybe his tiny, tiny paws can reach every button, thank you “Weird Things Couples Do With Their Dogs.” You Reading Me Braxton, I hope he knows I love him.

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Gospel 246 ~You Reading Me Braxton~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If you have time… “I’d love to get a letter. Like to know what’s what.”

Now I didn’t write that. It’s from David Bowie’s Everyone Says “Hi.” I’m sure you understand that now being wherever you are. I haven’t read any more about the Rainbow Bridge, Farms, Heaven. “If I had my way, then surely you would be closer,” Braxton. Looking up so many so lyrics because I don’t know what to say, like the day you left. You didn’t understand what I was signing or the papers I was pointing to. God help me if you’re really sitting there in the darkness. I believe you’re beside me, finally knowing. Braxton, I would understand if you hate me for it. I deserve it. Hell, who was I writing to back in January, and now this is us. How dare I.

Nearly sixteen years and every day, I took time to read and write. Sometimes you took it as nap time, and others, you wanted to play. I told you, I was building our future. No more going to the Day Job, for starters. I did it for us because what does a man do, Braxton? A man provides. However, about that future… I’ve spent my days all over Youtube. With my breaking, I suppose “Breaking Bad” makes sense. I listen to the soundtrack I created daily. Everything I write comes back to you, B III, my letters, your novelization, history. I wanted us to have more time. You deserved a family, my wife, some siblings.

To be that greying old man surrounded in such love. Instead, only me, your daddy.

It’s a better word than Murderer. Is that what you think of me? Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking about how my fingers would drum on your head. Sometimes I know it was like I was smothering you. How you would wake me up after I zoned-out reading. I’m still sticking to a routine. I read in the mornings, imagining you cuddled against me. I’ve earned the pain I’m getting from such books as “A Dog’s Purpose” and others. I look at your certificate with the rest of your things. The last bill rest on the coffee table. Dear B, I just need a sign; a bark, your cuddles, knowing you don’t hate me? You Reading Me Braxton?

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 240 ~Braxton FOUR One Hundred~

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“I love you,” “Can we go home,” “Everything will be alright, Braxton,” and still there weren’t enough words. No amount of money could save him. And if my father mentions getting a new dog one more time… Braxton FOUR One Hundred, Five, Nine.

Friday, February 25, 2021

Gospel 240 ~Braxton FOUR One Hundred~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so $100.00 shouldn’t really bother me. It was Braxton walking on three legs that certainly did.

Now that’s not where he got the “B III” from. That’s his name, Braxton Barks Bradford. I’ve said before that it was my mom who named him Braxton. It still hurts to talk about him like this. My Dæmon, my son, Little B. And again my sadness and rage. What about purpose? I keep breathing, Lady Sophia. Braxton’s purpose was to BARK. Of all the things I absorb, it was his barking that was my joy as much as I took it for granted. Sometimes grated on my nerves or would go overboard. It showed he cared, loved, protected, “Dad.” Braxton had his own way of saying it. He was another Mr. Bradford. But most days, it was B or B III, Triple B too.

Such time is priceless but to check out a bum leg is about $100.00. I came back one day, big score with a TV, a box of shrimp and fries, and I had Braxton. Dare I say life was sweet? So I let him go outside as I get situated only to see him come limping in on three legs. Braxton is so brave and pretends that he’s always walked with three legs. He never wanted me to worry, but I quickly freaked-out and carried him out, driving all crazy. Swear I was so scared, and we went to three different pet hospitals, panicking father. Finally, we made it back to Banfield, and $100.00 later, he had stepped on a pinecone or something, nothing more.

Beefy, he wishes, Be Free, well isn’t he now, but always my B III. I wouldn’t say I like math, and I’m not one for numbers in general. Being counted on… I once wrote that four was a lucky number, but how wrong I was. This I do know; 15 years wasn’t enough time. $323.60 is horrible. I had one son. Excuse me for being all out of sorts, it’s still Wednesday now, and I had to deal with “people.” My family, shouldn’t I say? As in my father and nephews. Should I count to three like a southern mother? I no longer say, “In five minutes, the world will end.” Dammit, my world ended, January 31, Braxton Barks Bradford.

Nothing can bring him back but Braxton FOUR One Hundred.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 239 ~Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties~

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“You wanna go outside,” I’d ask him, and he’d go running and hopping down to our gate or the front door, and the two of us would “walk” these streets, um suburbs. Our last walk, his, he didn’t have to make but hope… Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Gospel 239 ~Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As for mine, I walked, I worked, I wigged-out. Only us walking, one more walk…

I’ve told the story of our first walk and the aftermath so many times. I remember even earlier than that. There was a time when you couldn’t decide whether you wanted to go two steps forward or two steps back. One of the many reasons you didn’t believe your furry behind should ever meet tile, hardwood, the deck, whatever. I still feel you sitting on my feet. Oh, I know the law well, my friend. When I was chosen, I wouldn’t move for forever and a day. Now isn’t that everyone that has ever had a furry kid they loved? I’ll need to find a thesaurus for more words for crying. This Sunday, I’ll face another first without… Braxton, when will I believe you aren’t somewhere waiting in the house? Every Sunday night, you knew where I was and staying.

You would run around the house like a mad man when you were young, but on Sunday nights? People usually love the weekends, but I don’t know what your favorite day is? Anytime we were together. Daddy was always there, but The Walking Dead? “B TV.” We watched movies all the time, you know, with Indiana Gone too, a lot.

When we were young, B III. The doctor told me my eyes weren’t getting better, but they weren’t getting worse. Then the Vet told me not to move stuff around for you. We started walking less. But we would always snuggle up together to this screen or that; books, TV, me, and my writing. I’ve seen the end of the world coming, but not like this. We’re apocalypse buddies, Braxton.

The Long Walk, The Green Mile, The Running Man, leave it to Stephen King. Do you understand anything I am talking about, Little B? You don’t have to because we lived it every day. On your Vet visits, I would ask, “are you going to walk in like a man?” When we were outside, the people to me were zombies, and you’d bark. The dogs to you were much the same, and I would carry you. I should have carried you around our route one last time, but I was bawling as I prayed for a miracle. You couldn’t even walk in this time, but those trips to your water bowl. I was proud of you. I walk alone now, and Only God Knows Why.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

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Some ladies have cried about him. Yep, my second BFF and my mom (his grandma). It must not be an easy thing for a vet, either. At the rate I’m going, the Mississippi and the Nile don’t stand a chance. I’m still in “Denial.” “99 Problems But Braxton…”

Friday, February 19, 2021

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still crying. Braxton isn’t a problem; he is a miracle. Like women he loves.

I’ve said before; my “father” was the first member of the family he met. Next was my little sister. His mother/crazy aunt (this is the south, just saying). Braxton was a gift to her, and she loved him. The only time I believe my “father” ever got upset with her was because of Braxton. She would do the, let’s say, ceremonial stuff, think Hallmark Channel. She didn’t like that I would sit in her room babysitting him. My mom even said Braxton and I were brothers. When did I get demoted? Anyway, he never became my sister’s purse dog. She decided to have “real babies,” my two nephews. Braxton, though, was all about his mom. Same with my Mom. Until “Braxton get in the car.”

Several years later, we met my second best friend “Indiana Gone.” Now she accomplished something no one else ever had done. She made Braxton fall in love with her. The first person that wasn’t family. If Braxton had it his way, he would have preferred I followed suit. I would always joke with him that the first girl he approved of I’d have to marry. It took Indiana four months to win B III over. Talk about the “Casting Couch.” She laid down and let Braxton crawl all over her. After a few minutes, he was in love and never had a problem with her again. The first time I had to give “the talk” to him. I figured he’d meet Dear Future Wife someday.

Instead, Braxton caught up with a pretty vet. That’s something you don’t do. You know, call asking for the name of the doctor that… Again, Lady Sophia, I’m not angry. Nineteen days and if I am mad, it’s at myself for killing my son. Or at my “father” for thinking Braxton can be replaced. As mean as Triple B is, all the ladies loved him. There was one guy vet we both hated. Braxton is my only guy friend, honest. I always wanted to do better with my son but not giving him the family I took? “Get in the car,” and he followed me. I think he knew; why he liked Indiana so much and his favorite toy too.

Daddy’s 99 Problems But Braxton…

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

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Braxton hated the maid. When I started cleaning, he’d hide as if he did something wrong. Braxton had a habit of hiding under the bed when sick. Should have tipped me off when he didn’t. Thought we had it made, my main man. “Braxton My MAID Man.”

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I keep hoping you are, wherever you are. Everywhere I say and then again B…

It’s been about three weeks, and it’s like every sense is affected by you being gone. The first is sound. I stay in bed longer, knowing I won’t see you. Food, hell, I live because of your schedule. It’s been snowing here, but it wasn’t the outside that was bothering me. I feel colder, which brings me to my point. Touch and smell; I have a bit of your hair wrapped up. I want to pet it, but I can’t afford to lose a single one. I’m trying desperately to keep up our routines but without having to clean up… I can’t smell you in the sheets anymore. I’m still wearing the hoodie. Your bed B, I had to kneel down to be reminded today.

Or when I spill something… I still call you first, and then I remember. Every now and again, there’s a crumb of something or other. On the table, there are eighteen treats, not that you would count them. Water sloshes around when I refill your bowl. At the same time, the carpet is dry, but I’ll get to that. It’s like I’m trying to leave a trail for you to find your way home. I won’t lie that a part of me wants to be wherever you are. You wouldn’t allow that, though. We are a family, you and I, and nothing ever came between that. Besides the mess in the house, there is the mess of me. The dirt I can’t do; won’t allow.

As I said, I have a dry carpet because I’ve started taking evening showers. You hated that and would start crying to get me out. I’ve been having cravings for onion rings because, one, they’re not fries; that’s our thing. Two, you couldn’t have onion rings anyway. The same goes for chocolate. The most we ever had was when Indiana Gone warned me about… never mind. But I bought her plenty and a blanket and ice cream so we could hang out. I was so frightened you’d find some crumb, but that’s when I had it MADE. I cleaned up for her. You cleaned up for us; Life wasn’t messy.

My heart, my mind, and my soul, you got it all B III. You’re Made, Main, Braxton My Maid Man.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

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Who do you look up to? Me, I look down, expecting to find Braxton waiting. He’ll look to me to pick him up. I’m making sure Braxton doesn’t slip out the door, his scent. He got up there in years, heroics, the Rainbow Bridge… “Did Braxton Get Taller,”

Friday, February 12, 2021

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I should have bought Braxton stairs. He got taller. Higher, Further, Faster, baby, My Braxton.

No, he wasn’t Captain Marvel. The night I met my son, he was carried in by his grandfather. The runt of the litter, though I don’t know if that’s me building up his lore. THEY say tell the legend, so I consider it. Facts he’s a full Deer Head Chihuahua. The next thing I know, he’s in my sister’s arms, a gift. Let me stick to Braxton before… So I wanted my sister to let him walk. Hell, I was at least “twenty,” but I was all in for “puppy love.” Let’s say for days Braxton had better security than the U.S. Capitol, um yep. While I’m on the subject, his name Braxton Barks Bradford, B III, Triple B, Little B, the beat goes on.

Before he could decide on his direction, my mom named him. I thought she got the name from The Jamie Foxx Show and the character Braxton P. Hartnabrig. I think now he was named after the singer Toni Braxton. For three days ha he was Neo, “the one” my one. Now, of course, you get the Bradford but the “Barks?” It was his purpose, plus I was one for Stan Lee’s character names, thank you Raj, TBBT. If B had any other purpose, my sister would carry him around in her purse, which never happened. Then came the move. Braxton and mine and for about six years as the song goes… Just The Two Of Us. It should’ve been much longer, than that I know.

He made me a father, and he was my son, the SUN. He defended my kingdom, and I called him a little prince, no I made him a GOD. I didn’t know prayer until I asked God knows who for his safety, strength, and soul. I became a villain, but Braxton is my Hero. How can I be surprised that my little boy, who figured his butt should never touch hardwood, could fly into my arms? He could jump onto beds and couches. My son became the angel and sometimes little devil on my shoulder. And now, on February 10 (time-travel), I get a call to pick-up his… he made it to the Rainbow Bridge.

Higher, Further, Faster, I’m still growing. Did Braxton Get Taller

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

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It’s been 11 days, and not one has passed without me in tears. What I’ve read has only served as a reminder that you’re not here, and yet what do I do. As always, refill the water and, on the other, dust off my nightstand for everything. B For I Look

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Gospel 225 ~B For I Look~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine… are you looking at McDonald’s or my shoes, the door outside, or my face.

I’m looking for you everywhere. Probably one of the reasons I keep crying because I’m scared I won’t see you again. I slept a bit late today and jumped. Only you can’t go missing… your meds still in the bottle. Your water once again I refilled. A treat, 11 now. I can still smell you all around, your bed and mine, my hoodie. I feel you wrapped around my legs. My hands, sometimes it’s like I’ve dropped something, and then I remember. I would give anything to share a fry with you. I would have called the silence the worst. Nope, it was that final look we shared. I still don’t know if it was goodbye, a why, a sigh as you left me here.

Yet I keep looking for you. Maybe you’re in the backyard though I haven’t opened those doors since you’ve been gone. Every morning I climb out of the shower expecting you in your bed. At night you’d be outside the bathroom whining. Hated evening showers. Braxton, I haven’t been on my knees once to look under the bed, to clean your bathroom pad, or to talk to God. Of course, that third one didn’t happen too often. If I were looking to the divine, I would turn to you. I was blind, and now I see. Only where’d you go. Rainbow Bridge seems to be the consensus. Heaven. I swear I looked for you in the sky yesterday, and it’s been raining ever since B.

If I could see you again, you would be right here with me. Right by my side, walked and full of treats. Wondering why I got up late as I’m still typing. When You were young, you’d going tearing around and about. I’d find your favorite toy, throw it around. Now Braxton, where do I find you? Give me strength as I find the pendant I had made for you. Yesterday you were in a bag, your life, everything I’ve known or wanted to, sitting next to me. You’re on my nightstand picture frame, name plaque stuck to a box. Braxton, you’re on a card in words of doctors and friends, second BFF your grandma. Only you’re not lost, I know B For I Look.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

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I don’t want to talk about other people’s stories now. It’s only been a few days, and I keep thinking I should write out Braxton’s. That is when I can see straight for a little while. Not from hunger but too many tears. “For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.”

Friday, February 5, 2021

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I still buy pancakes. I’ve told the pancake stories, and here we go again, ready?

Braxton was young, and I was too old to still live with my Olds; much too old. I had a thing for Aunt Jemima French Toast, or maybe it was waffles. One morning after getting breakfast, I forgot a drink and left the food sitting on my bed. I come back and find this ball of fluff soaked in syrup, a big grin on his face, happy as can be. Well, the next day, I sit a plate of pancakes out of his reach. My Mom comes by and says, “You must really love pancakes.” That’s how I love my son. I would start saying, “I love you like pancakes,” meaning I placed him higher than anything in my life. My heart, my mind, Heaven…

When he was born, though… I wasn’t there. He came into my life in the hands of his grandfather. Braxton couldn’t have been more mine, but he started as a “gift” to my sister. I should have treated him as my “present” every day, but come another Sunday and TWD…

“When you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” from TWD.

I made Braxton my son. He made me a better man, an alright one, a father. He died Sunday but today’s not that story. Not for you anyway, as I try to block it out, but it plays again; my little boy, dying there. I’ll start crying again, and not a day has gone by without tears. Making other kids…

No, not one could sit in my lap the way he did; how he would curl up as if I were a plate and he was a pancake. No matter what, he was a little prince, and I was his throne. Sometimes he would bring his toy like a scepter and sit it beside me. He would place it in my lap when he rather not be bothered. Near the end, he would lie there, sweating, “leaking” I don’t know what. I still haven’t washed the sheets or his stuff. If it weren’t for work, he would always be on my jeans. Everyone tells me to eat, and right now… Hell, my stomach will be filled, but I am empty. Needing, For Will, Pancakes, Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

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First off, I won’t be talking to Dirty Diana anymore. Thursdays are now for Braxton, well, every day, but I wanted to talk to him today. There would have never been enough time as I sat there or when he was here with me. Eyes Have It Will he is.

Thursday, February 4, 2021

Gospel 218 ~Eyes Have It Will~

Just Me Baby B,
I’m sorry! It’s like I ordered onion rings instead of fries. The way your eyes would light up; Braxton, your eyes.

Your grandma says I should remember the “happy” times. I’m trying, but that doesn’t really mean anything, does it? The look you gave me knowing that. “Daddy, can we go home?” You struggled, but always, you were so strong, never wanting me to worry. Did you understand as you walked along to your water bowl? When the assistant, carried you. As we sat there waiting. “I don’t like it here. Why are you crying? Let’s go home.” I should have told them, give me those last few days. Fuck my job, fuck everything, and have you stay because all you wanted was to come home. At least I keep telling myself that. And you are here, the moment I returned and saw your gate waiting.

Were you looking towards those pearly ones or The Rainbow Bridge? You didn’t even look at your leg; they taped up for…Braxton, you looked at me. It’s been that way, always and forever. Since your syrupy face days. When I was a troll still living with my parents. Every morning you would run to the gate, my little Cerberus. You’d come back, “aren’t you proud dad, huh dad.” When I would come back from the Day Job and fall into bed. You’d nuzzle me and turn towards the door. I’d find you sitting there on the end of the bed, waiting for any sign of life. I knew before she even said the words. I knew. Your eyes, that spark, our time together, “He’s gone.”

Betrayal, Bad News, Be Alive, B III, please like before. Only the words wouldn’t come, and what could they do now. What could I do? That final look somehow encompasses everything. “Why can’t I stay?” “You Bastard!” “But Daddy?” “Goodbye.” It made it, I don’t know what, as I walked along. Your bed, collar, toy, leash, hoodie, and everyone saw. You were looking, I know. Despite all these things that I have done, it’s as if the world vanished. For some reason, I looked to the sky, and in the sun, it was like you were looking right at me, saying, “I’m still here, Daddy, it’s okay.” I believe you…

“Be good, Daddy. I love you. Make good decisions.” Watch over me, Braxton, I shall try. Eyes Have It, Will.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Lesson 295 ~Happily Editing After Right~

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Whatever will I do with myself tomorrow… editing sounds so much harder than writing, but now it’s time to start living again maybe; didn’t take me the whole month to finish but decisions, decisions. Happily Editing Ever After

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Lesson 295 ~Happily Editing After Right~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today though you might have been once upon a time as they say and this just isn’t a story thing it’s life; you feel like it maybe you’re in a state of Mania if you’re honest. You go from the excitement of being so close to the end of the novel, a little over a thousand words left to go and then a depression over is this honestly how April is passing? How about the fact that your hours at work are down so dramatically but at the same time, there is more time to write, to edit; and how many novels have you gone through, I’m just saying.

What about outside of writing, so many things are coming up “Fear The Walking Dead,” “Into The Badlands,” and “Westworld” I guess you won’t be watching much YouTube for a while except to catch some reactions am I right? I’d say you deserve some time off and think about it if all goes well in May, you could be holding your book, not the novel because that’s not happening but poetry without that dreaded fifty-thousand-word cap? The world will start turning again soon enough, and then you can begin work on these six impossible things right because let’s see hmm:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 36 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 43 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Partial Completion (Yard’s A Mess, Nails Trimmed But Paw Got Caught In His Collar)
3. I Will Find Out What My Book Is About
Completed
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
Failed
5. I Will Post A Review
Failed
6. I Will Write My Book
Completed (Just Over A Thousand Words The End)

At the moment though you’re hurting, woke up late today trying to work out an ending, the dog wants all the attention you can give him, getting his paw stuck again doesn’t count, it’s time for a new groomer because PetSmart sucks. Today is dull because anything left of creativity has been thrown into your story and even now, getting back to the grindstone sounds exhausting. You’re going to make it though because that is what you do and it’s not even three thousand words today just a thousand one hundred, not a challenge but then again six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 43 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves (Cut The Yard? Find A Pet Groomer)
3. I Will Not Trash My New Novel
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
5. I Will Post A Review
6. I Will Finish My Book

You honestly need to break the habit of writing out the problem (Novel) and not to seek out the answer (Editing) nobody knows your work nowhere near as you. The day job wants to keep you a “slave to the rhythm,” but this isn’t loving, not sure what it is exactly. All you know is once upon a time there was something else, and it might have been better than this feeling but to find it again you have to discover, Happily Editing After Right?

I Will Have No Fear