Tag: Rules

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

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I might as well have taken a job as a mannequin, ask for me tomorrow and I will be a grave man, and today I wish I was invisible or maybe I should have found somebody to cover for me. I Want To Be Sedated, and yeah I probably need a doctor.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Episode 169 ~I Want To Be Sedated~

Sixty-Third Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, stay awake, if that means downing energy shots, embracing the fear, even crying; Stop Crying Your Heart Out, would say to suggest I got a heart, guts, or balls.

When you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you, and with all the nightmares I have, not one of them compares to living them when I’m awake which brings us to today and while I want to cuss or use many words synonymous with my name, let’s Pretend We’re Dead. How I wish I were so I wasn’t there, a ghost at least, invisible perhaps; could I be deaf so I don’t hear my foot kicking my ass, maybe I didn’t understand my manager, probably I didn’t hear that girl; it was a rather innocuous request, give her something to remove hard tags. You know Justice I think I finally understand something about my parents… when they would give me those pills before I began flushing them down the toilet, I believe they wanted me to be normal but you know what went wrong, they killed who I was without question.

“Come on – You eat these. Eat these.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”

“No, sweetheart. I’m making you not care.” 28 Days Later (2002)

I’ve told you before, I never got bedtime stories, during the spring and summer I got Benadryl for allergies and slept forever, at school I lost myself in novels, at work its music, other times it was meds, sometimes beatings, all to kill who I am. What about religion, what about writing? Every move I make is on the grounds of not having to face the coward I see staring back at me, so scared to ask someone their name.

Some find solace in alcohol, some in food, some in facing death but honestly when being asked to go to the front of the store and ask a question makes me want to fall? Hell Madam Justice, I have rarely taken the highway, I don’t look at fast-food menus, I wash my car rather than go and get it cleaned. Okay, this sounds more like Inspector Echo’s territory, but the fact of the matter is, well, one of my Motivations talked about how many decisions we make per day, good ones anyway and how many of mine go to how to keep breathing you understand.

How about what they call Confidence you say, that’s the real sedation, talk about not caring and staying wide awake, immunity to the world but that cure is beyond me at this point, but to quote another one of my Motivations “It’s Possible.” I never forget you understand but I can numb myself to plenty, you still remember “that girl” putting my name on her blog, the family that probably wants me dead and I’m in for trouble at work tomorrow gulp, but I’m awake, I know, feel, and believe, I Want To Be Sedated.

‘With endless love, we left you sleeping. Now we’re sleeping with you. Don’t wake up. X’” 28 Days Later (2002)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

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It’s the most “beautiful” time of the year, baby it’s cold outside, and do I look like Charlie Brown, I doubt he would change places with me today, nobody would and of course, count my blessings, be grateful, don’t complain. I’m Only Human After All.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

Sixty-Second Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, to keep it, find sin and indulge but if you want to give it away, find virtue and exploit the Hell out of it; now I have always been one for the readings of Le Marquis de Sade and LUST, but that makes me a monster… maybe? If I wanted to be more human, I think the sin I’m looking for is GREED, or at least that’s most people because it gives us time to think about what we truly want to be or at least keeps us from getting into worse or dead.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.” ― Marquis de Sade

Considering what I think about humanity, namely that of all life forms humans are the “worse” all I’ve ever wanted to know is my manhood and days like today I’m realize that me even wanting that is a joke. I can already tell you today my reason for being a writer… nobody ever lets me answer anything; like I said greedy but for air, and while I want money, maidens, my dog sigh, I wonder why I can’t fucking breathe most days and yes Justice, the “language.” I don’t wonder what it means to be human or even alive most days I’m Only Surviving, After All, that’s what needs doing these days but being a workhorse, a victim, some pain does not sit well ever.

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.”
George Orwell

I must sound like I’m repeating myself which is another reason for these rules and my want to be, hell I don’t know what, monsters don’t live with the consequences, “B III” shows me that animals do remember, and words are immortal again why I’m writing. One more reason, because I don’t have to get up, I hurt my ankle today getting out of the way of some girl; knowing how I disrespect women writing-wise on the daily “men” are told we are inferior to women… okay, that’s opening a can of worms but is that not what I am? An infection, an ant, a rodent, another way of explaining my nightmares, of course, I was listening to my Motivations, and they talk about what a miracle human beings are, then I remember politicians, parents, people in general and they put the blame on me.

Madam Justice, either I’m not human at all, and I’m getting sick and tired of everyone well… you know I don’t have any answers, but I wish they would give me the benefit of one breath to figure it out, not that I’m doing myself any favors sleeping all the time. On the other hand, I am human, and people are far too concerned with being miracles, children of God, icons, whatever and they don’t need to know ever when they see me, I’m nothing, I’m Only Human After All.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

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Maybe I miss cracking open a good book, eight hours a day doing something you hate is enough to anesthetize one’s heart, and that’s great to keep the monster locked up in his cage I suppose. Are You There, Break Through.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

Sixty-First Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t rob a bank, don’t sell off the things I enjoy, and while I liked gambling on horse races once upon a time, that didn’t exactly pan out in the end. Now I take this rule in several different ways but let’s try two tonight, one is something, someone getting to me and the other is me “trying” to get somewhere but which do you prefer dear Madam Justice?

“My wife used to say I’m a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it, that’s all.” Andy Dufresne ― The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Do you know why I admire heroines so much, Katniss Everdeen, Beatrice “Tris” Prior, Ember Miller, MacKayla Lane, how about the dozens I read about in erotica, these are women who test the hardest of men and no matter what they take what these men dish out and keep coming. You know what makes me hard Madam Justice and I mean that in a completely non-sexual way… I can already read my tombstone; I need a woman that can break through a mausoleum, walk through hell, I’m the dragon waiting for the princess to “keep” the psycho with the basement, the zombie that wants to come back to life. Damn if that’s not a good story idea and speaking of which why do you think all my stories take place at the end of things; if I was the only boy and she was the only girl sort of way.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.”
― Elalusz, Found On Goodreads

Now on the other side of the pillow, when I’m not locked in some stupor, I always feel like I’m on the verge of exploding in rage, bawling my eyes out, or any number of things I want to keep up inside. Take “The Girl in 6E” for example; hell writing is only one more cage to confine myself in, cover to cover as it were because if I let any of those inspirations out; Shusaku, Isaku, Kisaku, Mold by Barbell, Vault Girls… “Okay” asked do I fear failure, far from it, if I fear anything it’s that once I let this all go, who I am will disappear forever because it’s as if I need to destroy myself so others can’t do it ever.

I’ve said it enough, I’m a greedy S.O.B. be it pleasure, pain, and power, the thing is I don’t dare to open that door at all Madam Justice, I don’t fear the monster, I want to join him more than anything, but it’s the difference between Alessa and Sharon… (Silent Hill, I use a lot of heroines don’t I?) So I’m sitting here wanting something to come through, but I don’t know if it will be good or evil, right or wrong, choose the form of the destructor and all, what’s one more reference, Destroyed by Pepper Winters “Hazel and Roan” to have such control but something is coming honestly, Are You There, Break Through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ctgn7kKYHo

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 148 ~Push It To The Limit~

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Writing has become my cocaine or maybe my “personal brand of heroin,” but I intend to kick by the end of this month and go right back to being lazy about blogging and maybe getting a few more hours sleep but first 50,000 words. “Push It To The Limit”

Monday, November 26, 2018

Episode 148 ~Push It To The Limit~

Sixtieth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars but in truth, I have no limit, yeah my motivations are still kicking in, the motivation to tell the General Manager if he wants Thursday he must give me Saturday, how about to finish NaNoWriMo and of course the war continues to rage on. I think it’s funny how people are supposed to be limitless when it comes to the pain but when it comes to pleasure and power, it’s always in moderation I see more often than not.

I should be talking to Lady Sophia, but even now I feel pretty lazy as if I should press on with my novel especially since I lost Thursday but you know I have a limit when it comes to people (currently 0) and Saturday was going to be way too much. Speaking of which, *sigh* what did I mention about the war… the TERRO Ant baits said they should take about two weeks, so we are waiting into the second week, and again I was ready to announce victory Saturday. How about how many ways there are to distract myself from what I should be finishing, I love “B III,” you know “The Walking Dead” has stuck with me and of course my motivations to become that much more motivated.

Now If I Had $1,000,000 would I be happy and I know, sadly Madam Justice I wouldn’t be so what if I had more, where would the limit exist; here I am trying to produce fifty-thousand words in a month and not one of them would get me to HAPPY, LOVE or POWER. Still, I’m willing to “try” for a future I have mortgaged a month of my life, for pests I have spent maybe fifteen bucks, for my son… I have no clue what I have spent or what I wouldn’t be willing to do for his life. One more concept, we need limits, I need NaNoWriMo’s to get my novel done, we need laws because most people are stupid and cruel, I need “Triple B’s” to keep from imposing a cap on my life for the moment at least; is that crazy Justice?

This whole conversation would have to be so, but Tony Montana didn’t see any limits and look how he turned out; oh yeah probably not that great of an example but how for a moment in time he reached and kept going. Anyway, I have it pretty easy don’t I, one year YouTube videos, the next, my blog, three NaNoWriMo victories, my kid’s alive, so this life that I live, Push It To The Limit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT8OU5WtfkQ

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

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One guy pimped women, another shared stories, and if you asked me what my dream job is, I’d like to combine the two, more so have a brothel of storybook heroines “Giggity,” but women want the guys on the covers. “Making Money Is Always Necessary

Monday, November 19, 2018

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

Fifty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars; the perfect question for this week but I can answer how not to, stacking boxes for four hours, hard-tagging shoes for a couple more, buying McDonald’s, and killing off what remains of the ant population both outside and in. On the other hand, somebody is making millions, billions probably not lifting a damn finger and my fingers today black keys, black “ants,” and perhaps being a black man is hard enough, but I don’t want to get all racial in this piece, how else does one Run This Town?

Didn’t somebody once say that it takes money to make money, not if you’re a woman; is today going to be a political issue; I need something with which to ignore the coming holiday known as Black Friday. Can you imagine the people we would be if money weren’t always the issue, perhaps it would be more so if I had plenty of it but I would trade the problems of never having enough for the single concept of wanting that much more? I think I’ve spoken plenty about what I would like to do to get it; I just put another 1800 words down for my novel titled Pay Two Plague. I still want to acquire a brothel, and why I don’t have the body, and a harem takes time, “B III’s” face could sell anything, the whole world loves him, okay this street.

So am I making any real plans, you know that despite writing down my goal every single day there are times I forget about it, I think it’s what they call, the forests for the trees, struggling for the day instead of September next year (goal date). I would honestly have something to celebrate because the most I have to look forward to this week would have to be free food and several others are looking at that with gratefulness in their hearts. I’m sure my pests are all kinds of grateful ha, and as for me, I am thankful. Mostly it’s that moment I’m leaving the day job, and I didn’t get fired, when I finish the bare minimum writing, for not having to live a few hours though I’m still breathing on my pillow, of course, Madam Justice.

I’ve said this before, that I wish I had the same drive that has me rushing out of the house for the day job in every other facet of my life but instead I’m like one of these little ants crawling, ingesting poison, watching other’s like me dropping, with some dark face glad for my demise. Someday I’ll stop talking about this, like Detroit: Become Human, NaNoWriMo is only a month and the worst day in store history will end but like The Purge *sigh* Making Money Is Always Necessary.

“If Purging really worked if everyone actually got better wouldn’t we stop needing it?” Penelope Guerrero, The Purge (TV Series)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

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Why do people even care, is my face not enough, my anxiety, how I move or talk, and today I’m getting all these personal questions, and I would say I don’t want to talk about me because Hell the don’t get me. “It’s Okay If They Don’t.”

Monday, November 12, 2018

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

Fifty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars? If anything don’t apologize for how you make it, Tupac Shakur said it best “whether rhyme or crime I’m getting mine” but here’s the thing, if you’re going to be a worker be the best damn worker. If you’re a thief, then accept it; pornstar, writer, jock, don’t be sorry. My General Manager told me once that people didn’t get me *sigh* I should have said “where in my job description it is written I have to help people understand me hmm” so don’t.

Being honest this is the second half of Rule 057: They Don’t Understand Your Shit; so the premise is that people won’t understand you regardless of it being good, bad, or otherwise, you have to be okay with you. If it means, you have to cut people out, or they walk away, don’t change for nobody; my “father” used to tell me to be myself, and he didn’t like me, to this day I meet people he knows, and they say “I didn’t know he had a son.” I’ve grown to accept my status as an “Unperson,” and the thing is people don’t understand why anyone doesn’t want to be like them; have you seen how many “Trumps” we have?

I’ve also told you about how tired I am saying sorry because in a way it merely serves as another excuse for things that I know nothing about and even if I do we all handle things differently than others. One of my coworkers was telling me about his dog passing away, his love leaving him, his truck finally giving up on him and what am I supposed to say, what knowledge can I impart *ahem* Will’s Writings, Witticisms, And Wisdom, ironic hmm? If something happened to “B III” the last thing I would be doing is working, can’t say a girl I love has left me, I’m perpetually studying that word, and I have two cars and as long as I’m not staying at my parents’ house on Thanksgiving…

Finally, it’s the idea that people aren’t okay with themselves and their “Stuff And Thangs” so they have to make something wrong with you, so they appear normal, and the sad thing is, the world in which I have come to understand makes them “Average Joes.” The big question, is it okay if I don’t understand me, do I understand my shit; my answer is a resounding “Hell to da Naw,” and one day I have to look into the mirror and say, it’s okay if I don’t know and It’s Okay If They Don’t…

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 127 ~They Don’t Understand Your Shit~

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Nobody has to understand you to be successful; hell people can know everything you say is a lie, and you can still be president, but I’m only a writer, with his real fantasies and fictional stories but will they know? They Don’t Understand Your Shit.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Episode 127 ~They Don’t Understand Your Shit~

Fifty-Seven Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, a part of me wants to say, be Donald Trump but we understand his shit, he’s an asshole, now I could talk about his followers but more to the point I think about “Braco,” “E.L. James,” or The Walking Dead Fandom. I know that alone comes off as confusing, but that’s everything when it comes to me, thus the rule because nobody understands and in truth, I hope they never figure it out because if they ever do that…

For example, today is the hell if I know “anniversary” of almost getting fired from the day job and why… skeevy, pervert, stalker perhaps, take your pick, just like I do, I was afraid, I’m a traditionalist, and I consider myself better with words on paper ha. How about the fact that nobody seems to understands me at work when I attempt to speak because my voice comes off so small, and don’t even get me started on how many times I’m referred to as “Ma’am” when I’m picking up food. What about my novel, don’t I mention NaNoWriMo daily but anyway, my protagonist and antagonist are “sleeping with” two girls, before that they were having fun with three more.

The good news is if by descriptions you can recognize them you’re probably very “wrong” like me, but honestly games like “Virgin Roster” don’t get made themselves, somebody greenlit the game “Rapelay,” certain costumes get made, and photo shoots get done. Some people like football, others The Walking Dead, athletes die sometimes, and people cheer for teams as if they’ve done something, but I’m wrong for worrying about Walkers or liking The Purge. “Indiana Gone,” told me that the key is communication but even if wasn’t for “The Tower of Babel” (I don’t get religious people honestly) understanding especially in these days is not valued.

I keep telling myself that even if I don’t get my novel I must be saying something but to me, it’s only a list of sexual fantasies in an apocalyptic universe which allows for my darkness; for maybe a day I thought I was into Teratophilia… perhaps a little. What about wants, wishes, woolgather, my writing, I can’t tell the day job all of that is why I would rather not lose week after week to take care of their shit, honestly Madam Justice I don’t understand and they can’t, They Don’t Understand Your Shit.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

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I don’t bother to introduce myself; I won’t even say hello because if the conversation goes further than that, do you care how I am, should I care how you are, sooner or later you’ll lie to yourself about me. Don’t Make Their Lies True

Monday, October 22, 2018

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

Fifty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, the first bit of change but why should I, you know it’s never me wanting to fit in, it’s what’s left inside me, and then I don’t recognize who I am anymore, yet one more reason I avoid mirrors.

Last week I talked about writing a decent sentence but how many people have seen that coming from me, no instead I believed the first lie from my “father” and that was “stupid” everything about me. Madam Justice I don’t want to be a downer today but isn’t ironic that with lies you can be president but the truth can put you in prison regardless of guilt or innocence, I heard again I was stupid in my “home,” and thus I became it. So I’ve spent my life wanting to be everything but, I read every day, I attempted to join Mensa, hell I don’t know how many books I’ve written, but I struggle with such small tasks making my father and everyone else smarter.

In the flesh, I am ugly, and like the Phantom, Quasimodo, or Cyrano de Bergerac, I began to wear masks, I hide upstairs; my downstairs barely has furnishings, and I don’t bother to fix the doorbell; how about the fact that I hide behind words? I don’t check mirrors because there is no point, I wear hoodies and dark colors, I keep earphones on always, the music a feeble attempt to drown out the lie that is becoming the truth.

Of course, I can’t neglect this, let’s say half-truth that got me here talking to you… how many times will I return to this; I was acting skeevy and creepy to a girl, fair enough, I started talking to Lady Lu and next thing you know I’m a stalker. Now if comparing a girl to Brazzers or Reality Kings is one thing, I get the same damn reaction if I write something sweet, of course, when “gentlemen” pay me for my words, they get girls panties to drop quick. Even now you might say I sound bitter, to one girl I’m too sweet, to another I attempt to nail her whenever she comes by, but my point is I don’t know my truth as I’m in many lies and falsehoods.

With that on repeat having never known myself since the cradle, believing and knowing I was worthless, nothing, and stupid and having the world echo that well… it started with one man and a bitch here or there; it can end with one man, me, that’s if I figure out who I am one day, Don’t Make Their Lies True.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 113 ~Always Write The Truest Sentence~

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As the song goes, every day I write the book or NOT, I found out it’s too late to submit a short story for competition but still, it’s not only a goal to write, it’s my purpose if that is the truth. “Always Write The Truest Sentence.”

Monday, October 22, 2018

Episode 113 ~Always Write The Truest Sentence~

Fifty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, is there a fairer sentence these days, the first words of a short story I still plan on writing, all those missed sentences I didn’t read at work as I signed my name, how about the death sentence I hope has known conclusion, somebody getting fired. The truth of the matter is that first sentence; if it doesn’t do what is needed then the last sentence doesn’t matter now does it, and when it comes to you and the others, the concept of making a million dollars is it.

It sounds a lot better than, I’m getting in her pants this way or that way; already I’m beginning to look like a hypocrite, but damn do you know everything that a million dollars could get done simply. When I was a child, it used to be what two-hundred dollars could do, and like my money my sentences have grown as well and again like my finances, this is not always a good thing. My money and my writing have to speak for me because more often than not when I talk out loud, it’s not the real me and you know I despise liars but take this as true; if anything I’m an artist.

“Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.” ― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta (Goodreads)

I can’t say I rightly know what people find out about themselves when they read my writing but for the majority, when I speak I find out they are shit human beings, of course, there are exceptions “Indiana Gone,” “Okay,” yeah I can’t even name a few I can be myself around. So am I Will, when I’m writing… now that would be terrifying, a guy that would rather be with machines than people, a sadistic photographer who does everything to his victims, a vengeful cult-leader? Who do I want to be tomorrow, hell who do I want to be from minute to minute, this is more a question for Lady Sophia, but I’m not going to get to my short story today am I.

Love The Way You Run, working title of course but now I’m stuck on writing the first sentence, but it’s more like the story I tell myself when I first leave work, what did the general manager say “read between the lines.” First there have to be lines, and then there are words and somewhere in all of that junk lies me and if only someone would care to look but the fact that I’m not writing means *sigh* I don’t want to be found; is that the truth or a lie dear Madam Justice, Always Write The Truest Sentence.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 106 ~For My Opportunity Anything Goes~

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Today was an opportunity for a decent day, every day is born with the same hope, but you must be willing to fight for it both metaphorically and literally as other people take their chances and make their choices. “For My Opportunity Anything Goes.”

Monday, October 15, 2018

Episode 106 ~For My Opportunity Anything Goes~

Fifty-Forth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, I heard somewhere that you don’t wait for the opportunity to knock, you drag it inside kicking and screaming… everything is violent. I’m still caught up in last week. You see when I fight it’s not to teach a lesson, it’s not only the need to defend myself but when I reach that level I’m not even thinking about winning, I have but one function for the victory… kill.

“Tell me why you kept on kicking him. You had already won.”

“Knocking him down won the first fight. I wanted to win all the next ones, too. So they’d leave me alone.” Ender’s Game

One of my favorite motivational speakers says there are only three words that you need; “WHATEVER IT TAKES” this is what makes a person unstoppable, limitless, you do this because there is no other way. I was speaking to Cherry, and she said, writing shouldn’t be a chore, and I won’t lie to you, it can be damn hard sometimes but so can breathing, sleeping, hell being me, Superman (It’s Not Easy), so compared to all that, writing is natural. Everyday something can come of this though I can’t say I’m thinking positively in that aspect, you do remember why I got back into blogging, keeping anything close to a journal, find a girl that pisses you off, or that you like a lot, both ended the same way, honestly.

I have a question though; if writing is my Plan A, why am I still working retail, I even told my coworkers today, if I’m still at it in fifteen years, go ahead and shoot me but to think at one point I did see that job as an opportunity… the pursuit of happiness it is not. There was an opportunity today for a more permanent position at work, but seriously I couldn’t run a crew of three black guys, I like being in charge, but a whip might send the wrong message, and I’ve said it before, if I were white, hand me a polo shirt, and a Tiki Torch. Money though opens up plenty of opportunities which is why I’m always so concerned about it nowadays because without it… so why is right here and now so important, every day I take this time to get it all out, regardless of what comes of it, such ill will.

In every moment lies opportunity and I learned a long time ago, you don’t have to play by everyone else’s rules, I’ve been thinking about this at work *ahem* I’m not here to be your fucking entertainment, I’m not here to be your damn friend, I won’t be taking your shit anymore. I am here to make money, this is my opportunity to do something so that I can have a better life far away from you assholes and if that means fighting for my right to exist, can you hear me now, if anything For My Opportunity Anything Goes.

I Will Have No Fear