Tag: Story

Episode 096 ~An Inkling Of Will~

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Tattoos can become addicting they say, and that’s only one of many things that I have to remember in this life, and I don’t think of myself as much of a multitasker or disciplined, so about sitting here? “An Inkling Of Will.”

Friday, October 5, 2018

Episode 096 ~An Inkling Of Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How to make One Million Dollars, “you step”; an idea, a concept I heard once in a motivational video I watched, a thought that seems a bit ironic with me sitting here but you know what I mean. It’s like inception in a way, oh sure I talk about these speeches I listen to, the voice of a pretty girl, the movies, books, and video games, I see on the daily, I found myself remembering “Sometimes In April” *shudders* didn’t I talk about things written in stone once, like God’s Plan hmm?

What truly lasts forever Lady Sophia, some would say diamonds and surely plenty of people have met eternity in one way or another because of those rocks; speaking of stones, as hard right, I was working on my “Fear Blacking Out” and suddenly had a craving for Haley Pullos. Three things about that, one, shouldn’t I have more respect for women, two, I was a huge fan of General Hospital once, and it took me forever to remember her name “Molly” and three, I can’t forget that I’m a man, it’s Rule Sixteen. I know you’re asking, have I forgotten my point, and I’ve said it before, I don’t forget anything, but I’m asking how do I remember one thing more than I do others?

Cherry is heartbroken over her fur baby Millie R.I.P., and I’ve seen what she is doing In Memoriam which of course got me to thinking about my son and should something happen to him… he’ll see twenty, but I want to get a tattoo for him, a paw print with “BBB” or “B III.” Sad that I can’t forget about one other B am I right but again tattoos, “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam tibi” which is Latin for “I will either find a way or make one” surprisingly that didn’t make my list of rules. All the things that I haven’t written down today, this week, or month but I’ve shared a lot of words, okay texts but still that’s sort of like talking and “Okay” was over here yesterday, I’m starting to think Church Logan was right, every word spoken costs, mind, sanity, even your soul I know.

That’s why it’s important I do what I do, I write, but do you think anxiety has a purpose, again a plan, a position, like having me sit right here and focus for only a little while, I swear Lady Sophia the ideas that have popped in my head from “Patiently Waiting” to The Purge. Pain, blood, they remind me I’m alive, that my son is breathing, that I have enough things in my mind that I want to live and that my dear is my strangest idea, that life is something I want to experience, An Inkling Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 089 ~Will Say, Won’t Write~

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Don’t make me say it when all I want to do is sleep or any other way I choose to waste time, and then I write about the simplest things because the fiction never leads to the dream or better the reality. Will Say, Won’t Write

Friday, September 28, 2018

Episode 089 ~Will Say, Won’t Write~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How to make One Million Dollars, sharing all my secrets might do the trick, but with one year and nearly three months there is still so much left to confess, let’s hope no one ever asks for an FBI investigation, but you don’t need politics to establish power. The power of a word if I have learned anything this week, so that makes me feel sort of sad on this quest of having one million dollars in a year, well eleven months.

September is a crappy month anyway, and you have probably guessed why but I don’t want to say the words; honestly, it hurts so damn much, but again this week others have shown the courage that I lack. Not that I’m a survivor of sexual assault, now multiple suicide attempts, where do I begin, sleeping pills, painkillers, starvation, dehydration, And The Beat Goes On. Somethings I would never say out loud that I don’t mind bleeding on the page, but as I have said before, there are such things that I continue to let poison me despite my fictional sins.

Take yesterday how I have said I’ll talk about my ravishment fantasy… I have liked bondage since I first discovered sex, but I was never one for ropes and leather… whips possibly and when I came to understand ravishment and that it could be done Safe, Sane, Consensual… Back to my suicide attempts, I never wrote a letter, and I thought I was somewhat lazy, but how do I explain why I would do such a thing, hell knowing my parents they would never reveal the letter or worse they would change it. At this stage in the game, I will never write my signature in one of my books; I won’t ever give some girl my room number in a five-star hotel, how about a proper NDA agreement maybe?

Excuses though, if only they were so hard to write then, I would have time for everything else, today though on top of that there was a shopping list, a budget, so many texts, and great to see that McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese is living up to the hype. You see Lady Sophia it is that type of small talk that infuriates me but I can’t speak the truth and all those things that I want to say, that I wish to make so real Will Say, Won’t Write.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 082 ~Willie This Tale Again~

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The I got sick at work excuse or I’ll work something out because I can’t talk to a bank teller, how about the one that I was high on an energy drink and found something more crucial to do huh. Willie This Tale Again

Friday, September 21, 2018

Episode 082 ~Willie This Tale Again~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How to make One Million Dollars and it’s not with writing excuses and sad to say I can’t promise you even today that I won’t have a few more for you, they usually come without warning as it was today yet again.

I swear my breakfast or even something so simple as a bag of chips should come with one of those caution stickers like on the side of a pack of cigarettes, may cause sickness when eating around people. A lesson from childhood, I usually ate lunch all alone, or I didn’t eat at all and yet somehow or another I never had my lunch money stolen, my game boy, a dozen G. I. JOE Toys, my dignity but never food funds. Speaking of which that’s what inspired me today, or yesterday honestly, I can write about plenty of things that have happened, I have fiction, but what about the stuff I’ve never done out of FEAR yeah shocking Lady Sophia.

If I’m going to go into confessions I should probably speak to Inspector Echo am I right but only one today *ahem* I’ve never made a transaction with a drive-thru teller; am I supposed to take a drink now, 5-hour ENERGY is my drug of choice, but I still blame the chips. Anyway you know why I haven’t, FEAR is always my go-to excuse, I am afraid, and maybe that should be my new daily quotation, I’ve nearly written a year’s worth of rules seriously.

Hell, I need to be real and being awake is that, considering I have nearly finished Church by Stylo Fantome and I’m talking to you now, how many times have I said that 5-hour ENERGY does its job and I can only hope to do something a quarter as excellent and helpful. Again I need to consider either writing all the reasons I’m a writer or everything that I’m afraid of, and can I honestly find another year’s worth or how about methods of obtaining that million, this month is nearly gone and I’m no closer. Alice Little doesn’t have to wait for any man and what about Detroit: Become Human, I haven’t mentioned that in a while *sigh* Markus and North, Kara and Luther.

For now, I should focus on my story oh yeah and how many reviews should I write again and at least lazy is better off than FEAR because you know the truth my dear Lady Sophia, Willie This Tale Again.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 075 ~Big Names Excuse Will~

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The Man stands tall; he doesn’t have to say he’s big, grand, or as the song goes, gigantic, gigantic, but I have a big, big love if I ever paid my words any attention but like English class, I was busy writing excuses. Big Names Excuse Will

Friday, September 14, 2018

Episode 075 ~Big Names Excuse Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason not to make an excuse; my fifth-grade year of school, I damn near wrote a novel with them, considered it an elective, and it was my first shot at nonfiction… what, eye drops freaked me out, and afterward I forgot about homework. Is that why working from home has come back to bite me in the ass, and of course you ask, why don’t I go to the library today and I have excuses for that too. Need to preserve the car tires until I get new ones, how about the day job, or my little boy WAS sick a few days ago.

However, If I Had $1,000,000; I miss writing plans like that, of course, it was never how to get the money but what I would do once I had it and one of those things would be to give my son the best life ever. I was sitting in the car listening to my motivation playlist of course and the guy says, is it possible to have a million dollars in a year and just saying I thought there is no excuse I shouldn’t be a millionaire, more like a Billionaire. Why should I write even more explanations when I have my purpose WRITING and my why, My SON, REVENGE, POWER, maybe that’s the thing, my whys must outnumber all those things I can blame.

The big stories that seem so incredible, so “Legen-Wait For It… DARY!” that I do get discouraged, how I wish I was that smart, and make me question how they got away with it, 4 Years Trapped in My Mind Palace, Detroit: Become Human or Bible Black. Those names that I hope to be, strive to “date,” and titles I want as much as my name itself, Will Smith, Jennifer Lawrence, and while I should want to be me how about, author, husband, father. Oh Lady Sophia, what big dreams I have, to never worry about money again, to have that brothel. Maybe to get even with those that have done me wrong; yeah my anger doesn’t disappear overnight but how about this; never having to introduce myself, ever again.

My name has to be bigger; my word needs to be greater because now it’s sorry Benjamin Franklin, I have to hide you for a rainy day while I spend Washington and Lincoln. My apologies to the Fanning sisters, stick with my Pinterest, and Alice Little I dream of coming to the ranch someday, and yeah my son needs medication but Big Names Excuse Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 068 ~Will To See Tomorrow~

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I am not a prophet though if the future is anything like I write about, um you should be running, only today/tomorrow well… you know I like looking five minutes ahead, and here I am twenty-four hours in advance. “Will To See Tomorrow?”

Friday, September 7, 2018

Episode 068 ~Will To See Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give me one reason other than I’ll be sleeping in my bed, but of course, I couldn’t possibly know that seeing as I’m writing this a day before. Honestly, Lady Sophia cut me some slack, this is the one day I’m allowed to miss, and you didn’t even exist. How did you get so lucky and why was I so strong that another year has passed and I would say for the worst sadly but about today?

I don’t know what to tell you; if it’s another typical day I’ll be at the house not worried about my writing which is one less thing in a sea of troubles; I always say I’ll spend it in bed crying but I “rarely” do. I’m probably exhausted, there is so much I did yesterday and for what, I asked for this day off for obvious reasons but I wanted to clean the house, cut the grass, possibly find food and I’m still sitting in bed. Of course, I’ve had a conversation with Dirty Diana, but that’s still about my Pinterest concerns and I know I must be boring you, who knows about the future?

“Lawgiver, who knows about the future?”

The Lawgiver “Perhaps only the dead.” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Okay so if I can’t write about tomorrow/today in reality how about if I’m still alive after thirty-four, how would I like to spend it… with a family, my firstborn, my wife, the children who share my DNA, poor them. Positive vibes, I’m really “trying” Lady Sophia but what about an end of the world orgy which is where all my novels nowadays are headed, yes a prior conversation. I’m having trouble thinking of something else, having my books as bestsellers, money, power, should I make a wish, that would involve cake which would include another trip to the store and as far as my favorite foods, I was sick today/yesterday, thank you Taco Bell.

I will live to see today/tomorrow especially since I downed a 5-hour ENERGY so I can clean house literally, you would think I’m expecting a party or some company, a miracle even and I don’t count, well you know. Today is only one more day, to think I might have gotten serious about blogging and what good came from this, what emerged from me arriving on the planet, does anyone have Will To See Tomorrow?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

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Writing has a way of revealing secrets, why don’t I do it more often then, maybe because some secrets should remain under the covers like me, but I decided to get up and live the dream perhaps the nightmare. “Gives Me The Willies”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason, not to be scared of horror movies, and I’ll merely say Take A Look At My Life, a testament to The Walking Dead and yeah maybe you’ll say I’m only lazy, there’s no denying that. I’ve been thinking a lot about these people at the day job, celebrating fifteen years on the job, I’m on seven myself and if I should ever make it to fifteen years in retail, do you know what I would want Sophia honestly?

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.” ― Dawn of the Dead

Does that sound somewhat harsh to you, yesterday to me is not a tale worth retelling, but I’m going to make a real journal entry for once and tell you about today; I woke up about 6:30 am, and my little boy wanted his walk, but daddy was busy playing The Walking Dead. While outside a young girl said “oh no” which is standard for any of the female species upon seeing me, her mother overheard which got her to bring their dog in that’s always running around. Climbed back into bed to continue my Walking Dead session and then broke my No Fap streak again in less than twenty-four hours, I’m not proud of it or what got me off, damn these Beautiful Girls.

“For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

Woke up so my kid could answer nature’s call and as I told Indiana Gone, I went all “Forrest Gump” since I’d gone this far, I might as well eat breakfast, put on pants, fix another bowl, wash dishes, make the bed, even talk to you. You know something Lady Sophia, I’ve had an epiphany, maybe that’s why dogs are blessed with four legs because today he needed to be the man and I’m no more than an animal, so he loaned me legs. Speaking of being an animal my second epiphany or more an understanding from The Walking Dead or maybe Detroit: Become Human, a bit of both, I haven’t earned the right to be alive Lady Sophia, I live vicariously through the books I read and write, movies, music, games because when I walk outside the thing is:

“But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped in to enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, rest in peace. Now get up and go to war. And then after a few years of pretending he was dead… he made it out alive. That’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then, we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we’ll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead.” ― The Walking Dead 05X10

That’s why I hate “The Day” life to me was never a gift and when two people who gave it regret it why shouldn’t I, sure people at work laugh, people around town too. I give people stuff to do, but if I didn’t exist, people would rest in peace, hell so would I. I don’t have to fear the monsters dear Lady Sophia. I can write to my heart’s content. This life is much scarier. And sitting here another day, going out, almost thirty-four years dodging the box my friend Gives Me The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 033 ~End Justifies The Will~

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Don’t do it, even when you see The End on the horizon; when you wake up at four in the morning and can’t touch the keys till 4:50, when I am a writer makes you feel for once in your life that you are somebody, don’t do it. End Justifies The Will

Friday, August 3, 2018

Episode 033 ~End Justifies The Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to feel bad, I know sometimes I can’t even stand myself, I can’t put it in a text, make excuses, god help me if I try to write it honestly somewhat, and only Spider-Man can get away with “I don’t feel so good.” When did the word “bad” become one of the hardest to put down in the English language, it’s damn near forbidden to feel it, so no wonder writing it takes a great amount of strength of “Will” as it were.

Being a writer, two words that have lost all meaning are “The End” when they should be two of the most rewarding, but everything is usually “To Be Continued” as the world continues to expand, evolve, and emote. Alliteration is another big word that I tend to do plenty and is usually frowned upon but it’s not the worst thing is it, like I always say, everything I want is impossible, immoral, illegal or insane. Would that include “Editing” which is like the aftermath of marrying the princess, you know they talk about happily ever after but I’m not that type of writer or a writer at all… Charles Bukowski.

I wrote a rule a few days ago “The Truest Sentence, An Excuse” because those come bursting out of me, I spent twenty minutes, maybe more, just trying to come up with the proper chapter title and then I asked myself do I still have the will to do this? There is the line in Tupac’s Ghetto Gospel where he says he goes blind and lets the lord do his thing and I’m still not religious mind you, but I wish I could blame somebody else, anyone else. If anything that is the point I want to make today, that I could blame somebody else for not wanting to write or for doing it but despite everything, there’s only me, and I feel bad because I’m not good enough truthfully.

“If I upset you don’t stress, never forget
That God isn’t finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes, I go blind and let the Lord do his thang” Ghetto Gospel, (Tupac, Elton)

I’m the one that woke up late and still spent two hours wanting to talk to you, the one that feels horrible about not posting a book review and yet excited to write a movie review and still too lazy to do it. With everything and according to Rule 158 “I’m Will, There’s A Way maybe that’s why imagining an end is so hard, a starving artist must stay as such which explains my not going to the store and only wanting to write more because and no disrespect to women ha but writing means bleeding, End Justifies The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

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Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

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I Made It, added more fuel to the fire, one more book down and even an additional chapter and the feeling I have now… it doesn’t compare to the humiliation I’ll endure tomorrow. Honestly, I would rather have people read my novel. “No End Of Kindling”

Friday, July 20, 2018

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to take a break, two words “The End,” that I was looking forward to today and I’ll get there or even worse “To Be Continued” either way it goes, it’s going to take more than 925 words, but as the song says there ain’t no rest for the wicked. I haven’t even gotten close to selecting a new book to read because mine is turning out to be so… that’s the thing I want to say no words, but there are too many.

Not now, nor have I ever been one for the burning of books, well except for mine, again it goes into my whole, hurting myself before I hurt others mentality, you too Lady Sophia, the reason I’m talking to you so early. It’s not procrastination; it’s the fact that the last words of my book should happen when I’m up and about, not lying in bed, people deserve me at my best… did you hear me right? Something that shall never see the light of day which is why I spend eight to ten hours locked up in the library, talk about something I love and then the only thing I want to do with my novel is set it alight to keep myself warm, beats the day job always.

Tomorrow I expect I’ll be writing about my humiliations rather than writing something that is humiliating, one more reason I have to bury myself in fiction because the truth hurts plenty and nobody wants to know about that. One more novel that took me a year to write and here we are Lady Sophia, about three weeks into this year and like any one of my fictional books is this looking any better, but for now, there are plenty of words left with no sign of The End. A good story brings its writer back to life or more to the point, makes a writer immortal and with the love of readers warms for many a black night, I believe.

When it comes to my work though; I know I shouldn’t be so negative, if it gives me money to burn, and that will be over all too soon but my novel or novels, how did I not know I was writing a series, and the ideas keep on coming to be honest. So when people are lighting those torches, looking for things to throw onto my pyre, at the end of the day, not that of the story, they’ll be No End of Kindling.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

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When you want (BLANK) as badly as you want to breathe, it’s then you’ll have, I can put any word or series of words, success, food, going back to the house, but writing is my life, only more so, and writers have weird dreams. What’s On The Menu?

Friday, July 13, 2018

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to keep writing when people are hungry; I did all my shopping yesterday and you know I’ve been tightening my belt, and with the dog… well, you know how he feels about me not eating as usual? Not eating, not sleeping though there was a Hell of a dream last night with the few hours that I did get and I like ribs as much as the next guy but they weren’t two hundred dollars’ worth of good, and there I go, hungry.

Hungry for success, this entire week has been about writing, now you know how I am about my novel writing but the fact is to get it done, whatever it takes, don’t give up, don’t ever give up, focus, discipline, all buzzwords but I’ve been at the library from open to nearly close. You know I wrote about two pages I believe on turkeys taking over the world, and I’m not even that much a fan of turkeys, I mean Thanksgiving is alright, but I’m much more of a ham man honestly. So I wish I could tell you I wanted to figure out what my barbecue dream meant but I’m grinding, I’m hustling with five thousand words a day, every day I’m here, no wonder I’m dreaming about food now, but I’m still lacking.

Maybe I’m dreaming about a day that I won’t have a budget, I felt pretty sad about losing the money in my dream but someday I want to be like freaking “Brewster’s Millions” because you know how much I like spending it; haven’t gotten my PS4 or Detroit Become Human yet. It could be something like “Okay” teaching me that BBQ recipe and I didn’t kill us both with it, strangely enough, I have more faith in my cooking than I have in my writing, at least it’s proven fit for human consumption. How about the fact that I usually see ribs and such on the grill and the whole plot of my book as of late is all about fire, should I mention the fact that I don’t know how to grill, never have.

Other than shopping the other day I burned some money when I didn’t want to go into work next week on and off day, and I even screwed up getting out of doing the “Clean” thing at work. Can I not just be proud of the fact that I have gotten so far in my novel although I know I want to burn it, only I would probably screw up writing menus too, but for tonight What’s On The Menu?

I Will Have No Fear