Saga 229 ~B Embarrassed Times 2V~

If I want to be ashamed, I can look in the mirror. There’s seeing this one particular woman and getting hard? There are morning huddles at the Day Job. There’s also sitting on the bench when they say B’s sick. Nope dying. B Embarrassed Times 2V.

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

Saga 229 ~B Embarrassed Times 2V~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but as I said before, I’m not a snowflake, sissy, or snickering member of the GOP.

But I am a bad man. Not R. Kelly bad. More like I’m the bad guy because I do bad-guy things. Thank you, Henry “TLOU.” Worse than fantasizing about a woman I work with? It goes without saying but killing my son, the death of Triple B. Echo, that’s the 9th Circle for sure. Treachery. Of course, that’s been on my mind all January and this month. And not because I finished Succubus Lord yet again. And again, my boss these days… This brings me to Virgil. I keep saying I must be nicer to him. But even now, he’s in Braxton’s Room. All by his lonesome. Well, at least I ain’t masturbating; edging, at least. I’m working at the table after the Day Job.

Does some woman have me all revved up? Could it be that I enjoy being clean? That’s something else that’s been getting to me, Inspector. I wish I had found that clinical deodorant sooner. As in before my Granddaddy’s funeral. Not his death, but smelling funky. Inspector, I’m sure my Olds were all kinds of embarrassed, and my sister too. I don’t give a fuck about my Old Man, but he has something else to laugh about. It’s eating me up. Again what about Virgil? He needs his nails trimmed, a bath, and God knows what. Inspector, it requires money, movement, and, most importantly of all, people. Braxton never embarrassed me, and neither has Virgil. As Akon sings, “you can put the blame on me.”

And “I’ve tried so hard.” Obviously, not when looking up black role models. R. Kelly, my Old Man, Akon, (sigh). Hell! I’ll be the first to admit I don’t want to be good. Books, brothels, bullets, and/or biology. Go into a business where you’re always needed. The keyword there is always. And I’m always embarrassed, Inspector. This existence that I’m hoping to turn into my life someday… Where Braxton doesn’t feel the need to always protect me. Where Virgil doesn’t see me as a wicked monster. Inspector, I want to be someone good enough for one of these “friends.” Lusted for and loved. How about saying I’m who Braxton thinks I am? One day? I wish. Nope, walking with Virgil. Outside? B Embarrassed Times 2V

745 Days Without B III, Day 186 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 222 ~B A Gift, V…~

The last two things Braxton asked for were to come home and stay with me. If he’d asked for my life if giving my life could save his… Hell! I wish a button would have allowed me to go with him. What have I given Virgil? Bare Necessities? B A Gift, V.

Wednesday, February 8, 2023

Saga 222 ~B A Gift, V…~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I’m glad the clinical strength deodorant is about ten bucks. And I watch Peacock; why?

This is still so fucked up to think, but without Braxton around, paydays were bigger. Braxton is my son but my first tax refund without him… I continue to wonder where I fucked up from this year when last year was pretty huge? I’m getting a thousand back and change. But speaking about fucking up, how much of that is going towards Virgil. If anything, only the basics. I did get him a Christmas gift. What about treats and bedding? I woke up this afternoon to that song “Wake Me Up” ha-ha. Inspector, those lines… “Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is the prize.” I continue to disagree that love is the prize. No, I believe love is a gift. The message today…

Hell! The only one I want a message from is my Triple B. I can’t say I’ve heard from him. Not even the day he died. I didn’t listen to him when he got sick or when he got “sent.” I think that was in Sabriel. Have I been getting messages from any books these days? All I’ve been doing. I have two emails about the books I should be reading but oh no, tits. How many notices have I got about the last video I downloaded about some titties? Hentai tits at that. Well, if you’re asking why I’m late. I was edging to a pair from the UK. Inspector, if I were a Christian man, I’d say tits are a gift from God.

Braxton would agree with that. People say God is love. My Braxton, Boobies, a billion. Those are life and love. You know my thoughts about laughter. I did some of that at the Day Job… It was either that or start crying. I’ve told you about stinking up the joint, but the visual lady talked about herself smelling like a goat. It could have only been words or a gift, E. She likes me. She really likes me. No, not like that. Hearing her message, though? I don’t know what to think. That puts me on par with V. Food, a pillow, water, toys, what else? Because I don’t have love. Hundred bucks from taxes. I’d give Braxton my life, love. B A Gift, V

738 Days Without B III, Day 179 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 018 ~A B Sized Promise~

When one is so small, can’t the promises be small? My kid never got past ten pounds but got fifteen years. How many pounds of food is that? How much did I lift, counting each time I had him in my arms? Strong enough to love. “A B Sized Promise.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Saga 018 ~A B Sized Promise~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Oh, honey, I made bigger promises, to you, to our family. I say to the world…

But it always goes back to my son, my Braxton, my little B. THEY say we could not survive without the bees. And yes, I know they were talking about the bugs. Only my Braxton… I’ve been writing about him all month… Ok, most of last week anyway. And if I haven’t said it enough. It’s all because of him. I’ll never be one for the full-time, old-time religion. But isn’t it someplace in the Bible that God loved all creatures, great and small? You’ll want to bury me for this as if you don’t want to by now. Love grows. My love started off so small. One little dog and I wanted more. Like Kesha, “your love, your love, your love is my drug.”

It was the same when it came to writing. Yes, I’m a broken record as usual, but it all began when I could spell my name. I wanted to learn words. So what? I wasn’t a great student in English, Reading, and my own History. When it comes to my writing down, this or that. I know by now the power of a word. Fear, cruelty, pain, barbarity, and love? That one word has given birth to worlds. I don’t know what’s with me this morning. The fact we’re talking on the right day. As I said, I’ve been all about B III. So no time for time travel. Yet I’m going into my religious past, “The Creation” “I’m lonely I’ll make me a world.”

And haven’t I done so? Haven’t we done so? All it took was twenty seconds of insane courage. I still wonder how I found it at all, baby doll. Whatever, “get in the car, B.” That was me and B III. And next thing I know, I’m opening up two doors. Yours and mine, honey. Add a third one for our first two-legged kid, then a fourth door. Little things. Ahem not so little, ha-ha. We’ll be like the Maryse and The Miz any day now. Damn WWE. Only I didn’t promise to watch it forever. But my family and that will always include Braxton. How many promises have I made? Live and Love. Only one letter. All it takes for A B Sized Promise.

534 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 011 ~ Love’s No B Choice~

I didn’t choose the Thug Life; the Thug Life chose me. Now I didn’t choose to love a puppy, a woman, and a bunch of kids. Then a dog is hopping in the car. For the first time, I’m wondering about diamonds. And a college education? Love’s No B Choice

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Saga 011 ~ Love’s No B Choice~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can be harsh, cruel, and a douche kinda. But I still love B.

Nope, that won’t change. No way, not ever! I’ve said before when I say the word “Always,” that’s what I mean. Hmm, so many songs. Oh, The Wannadies, Luther Vandross, Jimi Jamison, ha, even more. So um, you can see I’m stuck reminiscing these days. These days? Like yesterday and hopefully today. A surprise I’m up at 4 AM, yep. Hell! I might as well jinx myself and say it’s because I love my boy more than getting more sleep. Or maybe I remain disappointed over how I spent my Sunday in bed doing absolutely nothing. I chose to cry over Braxton than the fact that I was being useless. Love, it’s been 527 days. I didn’t choose to love but decided to lose.

Now while I’m all into music, trying to stay awake. I mentioned that Aloe Blacc was wrong when he sang, “love is the prize.” I believe that love is a gift; you don’t realize you’ve given. If you have to think about it… then you’re doing something wrong and should stop. If life is a game, then love is the instructions. And men read the instructions? I woke up, and I walked B. Before I ate, does he have water, his food, take your meds B. Before I got comfortable, where was he? Can’t we be comfortable together as I write? Speaking of which, I’m trying to rediscover that. But it’s only Day 2. Catching up, maybe? Writing isn’t a choice since I wrote my name.

Our kids? Another devastating three-word combo. “Babe, I’m Pregnant.” Is devastating the right word? Awesome, Fantastic, Extraordinary? According to Youtube, every husband has his name automatically changed to “Babe.” Or something similar. Inevitable that love must be considered a choice but love thrice in this existence… When Braxton heard me call and my little imp, my dwarf, my dæmon came running. There is the moment I took a knee, an arrow, or ok, bent and asked, and you said yes. I was “shocked,” Baby Doll. And then when I saw them. I actually poured the Bisquick, and we made “pancakes.” Yeah, one of them will be named Braxton because I love him, you, them. And what about me? Love and happiness? Love’s No B Choice

527 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 320 ~B There A Gift~

Heart, Soul, and Mind, and my ass? I don’t even like my ass, mentally, I mean, physically, yay. So, I don’t have much to give, but I give all of myself when I love someone. Love is a gift, but where is it going now? No girl, no furry. B There A Gift.

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Chronicle 320 ~B There A Gift~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, not that it would have mattered to B III. But it doesn’t matter to you either.

As if I need another reason to be in the “doghouse.” That’s one way to get me out of bed, I suppose. But think of it like that “old” song from K-Ci & Jojo, “All My Life.” You know that line, close to me, you’re like my mother, father, sister, brother… whose closest to me? My mother gave me life, and I’m afraid I go back and forth on that. B being gone and all. My father took my life, well instead took my soul… my reason, wanting to live. You and Braxton, though, have another thing in common. Your gifts are that you gave it back when I had nothing to give to you. “And you are the only one, my everything.” No offense.

Never to compare you to such a love as that of my Braxton. And yet I feel as though I must apologize to you both. Hell, I could be apologizing to my B III for the rest of my life. I know I’ll leave you and our children behind someday. Yeah, that’s morbid, again, with what’s been going on for 471 days. But you know what I mean. That’s why time is such a gift, and how have I been spending it? You and Braxton saw me, accepted my worst. With everyone else, I was the worst. No exposition, no excuses. It is simply the fact that I expel breath to continue my existence. Death is your gift as if I were Buffy. I’m Crazy…

Damn straight, because I lost my best friend, second, third? Hell, I don’t know anymore. Gifts for B III’s Aunt, Mother’s Day, Cherry’s birthday, who knows what else is coming. Baby doll, seeing my face in the mirror when I can stand it. Giving this to you and B III.

To begin with, I didn’t have much, and when I got it… yeah, I’m a selfish bastard, I know it. But at the end of the day, both of you only wanted me. And there has to be more than “A Man Provides.” Because I know that love is a gift. I receive it every day; it rains down from Heaven or wherever B III resides. How Do You Want It? B There A Gift

471 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Episode 100 ~Greatest Gift, Me Will~

There is a reason my parents never got me boxing gloves, why I believe we need stronger *ahem* laws, and even Negan said people are a resource, not a blessing, not a gift and yet standing up for myself. Greatest Gift, Me Will

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Episode 100 ~Greatest Gift, Me Will~

“You make me want to be a better man.” As Good as It Gets (1997)

Dear Future Wife,
How to make One Million Dollars, with the way things are going my love, I think I’m going to need a doctor, like when I first met you, a nurse for the fight I almost got into at work, or a lawyer and not for defending your honor, no baby girl, boys will be boys. Probably not the correct thing to say in this climate and do you think I have always treated women with “dignity and respect,” well you as a woman, my wife, lover my best friend (don’t let my son hear that on repeat ever) mother of our children.

Now Whitney Houston sang about Greatest Love of All, but I have never bought that one must love themselves to love others, I would lay down my life for you or our children without question but before you… That’s a crime against you if we weren’t together and I would never do anything to hurt you like that, and I find out why I saved myself for you (life wise my love, the experience is a process). To this day I don’t know what the greatest gift is that I have ever given you, my heart, my soul, my mind, what about time, or courage because after today I am afraid because I love my family. I want to provide for you all, tradition, chauvinist, maybe a man believes in many things, and he must fight for those beliefs always.

Today I learned how much I believed in me, that I love myself, fighting for my kids is a no-brainer and fighting for you, would that make me “The Black Knight” yeah no filter at work which is part of the problem, well all of it, my love, fear, and TRADITION. I wanted to fight for me, and I didn’t care about being a provider, or even about being a better man, I wanted to be a man, I wasn’t defending you or anything I hold dear I was fighting for “The Man Right Chea.” Honestly, I didn’t know I cared so much about myself. I would fight, and I would win all to come home to you, but again I did not swear to enter the fray for you my Lady, it was all for me, and I don’t know whether to be so very proud or completely devastated.

“Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” The Talmud

“Instead of tryin’ to help a nigga you destroy a brother” Tupac, K-Ci and JoJo

That’s not you though; I do imagine myself as Prince Pairs being nursed back to health should I have lost the battle, Prince Hector to die for a crime or Achilles himself to fight because of my reasons, no matter what they were. You would love me regardless; sad that I have to imagine, or that I should fear but the fact that you will even listen to me, this man that nearly fought, who may lose everything tomorrow because I gave into my rage.

You love me, and I love you and the fact that I spent over an hour writing two statements about what happened today the man that lies with you now, this man that would fight, I love myself, I love me, and that means I’m the Greatest Gift, Me Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 068 ~Will To See Tomorrow~

I am not a prophet though if the future is anything like I write about, um you should be running, only today/tomorrow well… you know I like looking five minutes ahead, and here I am twenty-four hours in advance. “Will To See Tomorrow?”

Friday, September 7, 2018

Episode 068 ~Will To See Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give me one reason other than I’ll be sleeping in my bed, but of course, I couldn’t possibly know that seeing as I’m writing this a day before. Honestly, Lady Sophia cut me some slack, this is the one day I’m allowed to miss, and you didn’t even exist. How did you get so lucky and why was I so strong that another year has passed and I would say for the worst sadly but about today?

I don’t know what to tell you; if it’s another typical day I’ll be at the house not worried about my writing which is one less thing in a sea of troubles; I always say I’ll spend it in bed crying but I “rarely” do. I’m probably exhausted, there is so much I did yesterday and for what, I asked for this day off for obvious reasons but I wanted to clean the house, cut the grass, possibly find food and I’m still sitting in bed. Of course, I’ve had a conversation with Dirty Diana, but that’s still about my Pinterest concerns and I know I must be boring you, who knows about the future?

“Lawgiver, who knows about the future?”

The Lawgiver “Perhaps only the dead.” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Okay so if I can’t write about tomorrow/today in reality how about if I’m still alive after thirty-four, how would I like to spend it… with a family, my firstborn, my wife, the children who share my DNA, poor them. Positive vibes, I’m really “trying” Lady Sophia but what about an end of the world orgy which is where all my novels nowadays are headed, yes a prior conversation. I’m having trouble thinking of something else, having my books as bestsellers, money, power, should I make a wish, that would involve cake which would include another trip to the store and as far as my favorite foods, I was sick today/yesterday, thank you Taco Bell.

I will live to see today/tomorrow especially since I downed a 5-hour ENERGY so I can clean house literally, you would think I’m expecting a party or some company, a miracle even and I don’t count, well you know. Today is only one more day, to think I might have gotten serious about blogging and what good came from this, what emerged from me arriving on the planet, does anyone have Will To See Tomorrow?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Writing has a way of revealing secrets, why don’t I do it more often then, maybe because some secrets should remain under the covers like me, but I decided to get up and live the dream perhaps the nightmare. “Gives Me The Willies”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason, not to be scared of horror movies, and I’ll merely say Take A Look At My Life, a testament to The Walking Dead and yeah maybe you’ll say I’m only lazy, there’s no denying that. I’ve been thinking a lot about these people at the day job, celebrating fifteen years on the job, I’m on seven myself and if I should ever make it to fifteen years in retail, do you know what I would want Sophia honestly?

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.” ― Dawn of the Dead

Does that sound somewhat harsh to you, yesterday to me is not a tale worth retelling, but I’m going to make a real journal entry for once and tell you about today; I woke up about 6:30 am, and my little boy wanted his walk, but daddy was busy playing The Walking Dead. While outside a young girl said “oh no” which is standard for any of the female species upon seeing me, her mother overheard which got her to bring their dog in that’s always running around. Climbed back into bed to continue my Walking Dead session and then broke my No Fap streak again in less than twenty-four hours, I’m not proud of it or what got me off, damn these Beautiful Girls.

“For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

Woke up so my kid could answer nature’s call and as I told Indiana Gone, I went all “Forrest Gump” since I’d gone this far, I might as well eat breakfast, put on pants, fix another bowl, wash dishes, make the bed, even talk to you. You know something Lady Sophia, I’ve had an epiphany, maybe that’s why dogs are blessed with four legs because today he needed to be the man and I’m no more than an animal, so he loaned me legs. Speaking of being an animal my second epiphany or more an understanding from The Walking Dead or maybe Detroit: Become Human, a bit of both, I haven’t earned the right to be alive Lady Sophia, I live vicariously through the books I read and write, movies, music, games because when I walk outside the thing is:

“But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped in to enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, rest in peace. Now get up and go to war. And then after a few years of pretending he was dead… he made it out alive. That’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then, we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we’ll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead.” ― The Walking Dead 05X10

That’s why I hate “The Day” life to me was never a gift and when two people who gave it regret it why shouldn’t I, sure people at work laugh, people around town too. I give people stuff to do, but if I didn’t exist, people would rest in peace, hell so would I. I don’t have to fear the monsters dear Lady Sophia. I can write to my heart’s content. This life is much scarier. And sitting here another day, going out, almost thirty-four years dodging the box my friend Gives Me The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 302 ~Never Learned To Wrap~

They don’t realize how much of an idiot you are until they open it, like my writing and somebody told me once I wear my heart on my sleeve, and of course, nobody wants to see that. Never Learned To Wrap, and I’m terrible at gift giving I suppose

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Lesson 302 ~Never Learned To Wrap~

To Will:
I Am Not Fine Today but “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday”… no, you would lose what’s left of your mind; how about a birthday, hell no, and Valentine’s everybody knows what they’re getting but you haven’t gotten it on that particular day. They say that it’s better to give than to receive and today you have had a bit of a revelation. That is you have nothing to offer this small world. Seriously are you becoming more depressed or what Will?

Think about it though, rules know creation for a reason, and maybe every person is given one gift and writing isn’t yours; before you say anything, you did complete one of your six impossible things. Anyway, what about the girls that say you have a keen fashion sense, wrapping gifts, e.g., lingerie that some other guy gets to take off of them, that’s not a gift that’s a curse. What about The Simpsons “will somebody please think of the children” yeah introducing a child to Star Wars, really did being a Star Wars fan do me any favors and speaking of favors, six impossible things?

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 43 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 50 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves (Cut The Yard? Find A Pet Groomer)
Completed (Backyard Cut, Two New Groomers Located)
3. I Will Not Trash My New Novel
Completed
4. I Will Complete 50% of VLAD
Completed 77%
5. I Will Post A Review
Completed? Galahad Suns (Today)
6. I Will Finish My Book
Completed

If someone ever asked what’s the best gift you ever gave it would be your presence; and no that doesn’t make you sound conceited, hell look at what you’ve done, the idea that you can even show up for your own life is a miracle. It might be the best thing, and it’s already the worst, but that’s a conversation for Inspector Echo, showing up for a girl, what a test of courage that was. Now that’s a gift you should give yourself, COURAGE, and what men have been known to do in the name of some girl but what about the man in the mirror, next six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 50 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Edit At Least One More Chapter Of My Novel
4. I Will Complete 100% Of VLAD
5. I Will Post A Review
6. I Will Find Something That Makes Me Courageous

You always find a bit of courage for a few seconds at work, why can’t you hold on to it though, or maybe it’s not so much courage but “Will” and that’s always been the question, holding onto yourself and remember that no Fap rule would you. Maybe that’s the thing, everything you want to give shouldn’t be wrapped or is already, and so you never learned how but what is that thing you have to give at the end?

No you wouldn’t say anything as cheesy as “It’s Only Love” and you’re not that wise, and courage is yours, and never surrender any power and as far as everything else; Never Learned To Wrap.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 247 ~You Don’t Run From Beauty~

Would you rather be smart or beautiful, if you’re smart you would probably say beautiful, what’s one more dumb person but then again what’s one more pretty face, and I’m pretty stupid sadly. “You Don’t Run From Beauty” never.

Monday, March 5, 2018

Lesson 247 ~You Don’t Run From Beauty~

Twenty-Second Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, my dog is the most fantastic thing ever, and my closet is full of color and skeletons, and as always I have been looked at as more of a beast, but there is no beauty to be found here. Music, Art, Poetry, etc. are beautiful; it’s widely known that medicine, law, business, engineering, these things give us what is thought to be civilization, but the beauty of women at least from my perspective is what gives life and sustains it.

The beauty of a woman is like a car wreck, you should mind your business, but you slow down; you inquire, and next thing you know you’ve created a more significant mess and you might die. At least a beast looks dangerous, cigarettes have warnings galore, but women hell in this day and age I think men are just idiots, which explains all the men in trouble these days; myself included hence the rule. Despite it all, I believe that beauty is a blessing rather than a curse, but that’s from the outside looking in, is it not; I’m not handsome, dashing, anything that can be mistaken for beautiful Justice.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness” The Good Man, Fear the Walking Dead

It was not the beast that conquered beauty but beauty that overcame the creature; I could compare beauty to a virus but don’t I do that with just about everything, the thing is that it’s a virus you want to catch. It infects your mind, makes you dumber and quickly drives you mad, impairs your speech, blinds you both physically and mentally; it makes you hunger for that which is already a gift, life. Speaking of being, what about that which you do not find beautiful, strangely enough, the laws are written by the ugly, and some of the most beautiful who have no intention of becoming ugly don’t want to be known for the beauty that they possess honestly.

If this was that episode of The Twilight Zone “Number 12 Looks Just Like You” I would be dead already, well worse than that maybe and again I already am as I hear people say. All of me, outside and in depending on who you ask. A world full of beauty and I have known ugliness and nothing more so maybe my rule is somewhat off because truthfully whatever could I do to escape it, other than keeping “it” in my pants, my hands to myself, and what’s the rate on bell towers these days?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

Madam Justice have I ever been running or am I just letting it kill me, lust is a fever, want, desire, and what is beauty without a beast or could I become a man, a frog kissed by a princess; You Don’t Run From Beauty.

“Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that money can make anyone look beautiful.” Too Cute

I Will Have No Fear