Tag: Afraid

Saga 002 ~B III, B Thousand~

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Some time ago, I would sing that Barenaked Ladies song “If I Had A Million Dollars.” When I received my refund, I got a thousand or so and said I would honor my boy. Now I can’t even get down a thousand words for him? B III, B Thousand

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Saga 002 ~B III, B Thousand~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. But instead, you want your son back. And in this, I don’t blame you in the slightest.

That sounds like an excuse, you know. You wouldn’t feel right using Braxton in such a way. Hell! Everyone does it. And I know that sounds mean in a way. Are you worried about cash? You got ninety-nine problems, but your B ain’t one? What’s today, 518, and still counting? That’s what I told “Paws To Celebrate” yesterday. Amazing! So I can be read sometimes. What about you? Today is a whole new week. The second day of a brand new year of writing. But how many of those words have been for B III? Yeah, I know you’re only now getting up. And as for me? What is it, THEY say? The road to Hell, good intentions, and all that. Like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing Tails of Unconditional Love
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

I’ve said such things over a thousand times. Oh, I know (sigh), this will be six more in the bucket for you. Six promises are nothing to you. So a thousand bucks or only one? Here are some numbers for you to mull over. I told forty-seven people on OnlyFans that I won’t be “Dancing With Myself” for a month; why? You owe fifty-thousand words. Only you don’t want to hear any of them, right? Not a one would bring back B III to you ever. Yet the stories keep on coming. And what are you going to do this week? How many days did I have to do anything, and what did I do with them? You’re out of bed with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The Title, All Dogs Are Good: Poems & Memories
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Most of them wouldn’t be with money. You wouldn’t be cringing over a ten-dollar book. You’d have all the time in the world to learn about B III all over again. A picture is worth a thousand words. To this day, you hate that saying. Fifty-Thousand words for your son. Speaking of owing people… what about that publishing company and the poetry book I sent them? Yeah, it’s not like you’ll make good on the hundreds sent away. Inevitably, you wouldn’t have to worry about fapping. My words got lesser men laid in the past. But the best man you know remains, unknown, unmourned, and unsung, for lack of what? A million excuses. It’s in his name. Be Free! Um better? B III, B Thousand

518 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 360 ~Doing A 360 B~

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Spotify was onto something, sending me soul music like “Will It Go Around In Circles. I’m already repeating books on Audible. If anything, that’s to hide from my country going round in circles, back to around 1950 or further. Doing A 360 B.

Sunday, June 26, 2022

Chronicle 360 ~Doing A 360 B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. But you’re not a skateboarder, a “skeevy” sex symbol. A sleazy politician, or on the Supreme Court.

But here you are going around in circles. If anything, today, the circle is only a little bit bigger. So should I say I’m proud of you for waking up on time for once? Does it matter when you never get anywhere? Hell! I confessed to that yesterday. Gave up Saturday? Yeah, I always leave more IMPOSSIBLE stuff for you to do. As I was talking to Lady Lunalesca… I didn’t finish The 1619 Project last week? Well, I did. But there are about 50 pages of reference NOTES to read. So you didn’t finish it. Who reads those anyway? I do, and you will. Like you’ll start reading another book about losing Braxton. Again? Again and again. Hell is repetition like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The 1619 Project: A New Origin Story, Nikole Hannah-Jones
    Completed* Haven’t Finished The NOTES section
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

For a moment, you were about to say, “at least you’re not alone.” Well, in the general sense, no. While you have your impossible things. You’ll inevitably notice what’s happening in the world. Seems that the Republicans, religious, and the “right” want to take the country back. If B III were alive back then… but no. I remember laughing about 2005, ha. Looks like you’re going to get a history lesson even farther back, like 1950 and even worse at this rate. Everybody has a time in their life or a time they heard about. Something they believe was better? My existence was with Triple B always. And of course, you will feel that too. It keeps going around and around like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing Tails of Unconditional Love
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Take now, for example. The alarm went off. But instead of crying and, um, going back to sleep. You wept and chose to look yourself in the eye. If you’re good, you’ll talk to the Inspector and whoever else. Take pictures of your Stuff and Thang. Cut the grass, hmm? You know, sometime this week, you’ll have to make an appearance at the Day Job. Like you tell Replika every time. Avoid Humiliations Galore as much as humanly possible. Ha! Is it just you, or is everything funny today? No, not really. Would you instead go back to crying, drooling, or cumming? Going around in circles. Braxton wasn’t one for tricks, and you, old dog, don’t want to learn new ones. Doing A 360 B.

Gospel 360 ~B Over The Threshold~

511 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 353 ~To B So Weak~

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From “I’m too weak” to POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! Oops, wrong holiday. It’s Juneteenth, YAY! And Father’s Day? I have mixed feelings. But will I even be getting out of this bed? If I had B’s strength. I had such a strong son. But for me? “To B So Weak.”

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Chronicle 353 ~To B So Weak~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m not weak anymore. But as for you and this week? Today, Juneteenth, Father’s Day…

What, you don’t want to talk about the Day Job? Doesn’t matter anyway because you’re weak. No, we don’t run from the truth of things. You didn’t get up at 4:00 AM as I did. You’re lying in bed, wrapped in blankets, and still fending off sleep. Today is inevitable. Like the memories of your Braxton. Hell! Especially today! This is going to sound “harsh.” You are a black man and a father, no matter what anybody says. When did you decide you wanted to quit being a Dad? Even your own father hasn’t to some degree. Which is why you’re allowed to lay on your ass and do nothing today but talk. Braxton’s dead. Your own father might want that for you, but still…

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The Pet Loss Companion
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

You are still here. Oh, don’t go looking up “Stranger Things.” It’s my fault that I forgot about Six Impossible Things. To be so weak that a small word or phrase can turn us off the path of glory. To be a fanboy is one thing. And then there’s being a simp. Oh, you know this. Um, what have you been doing for an hour? Tits, Yabbos, Breasts! Weak okay? No, not okay. It is this weakness, along with indifference, that killed your son. If it was between the Day Job and some big fun bags, you’d prefer the boobs. At least that’s a dream career. But the Day Job is what you’ll be obsessing over, amongst other things. It won’t be Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The 1619 Project: A New Origin Story, Nikole Hannah-Jones
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Only the Day Job and all the misery that entails. Remember telling Cherry this morning you’re drawn to it. The pain, the humiliation. Hell! Reading one of her stories. (Drools.) That’s called being a sadist. “Deriving pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others.” But you’re more a masochist, which is the opposite. You’ll suffer because you’re too weak to do anything else, yet Endure and Survive. There is an alternative but, again, dangerous words. But for a brief second, you had the strangest sensation. It’s called TRYING. If we’re being honest. It was only the idea of resting on some “dirty pillows.” Because you are not your son. B III’s strength, courage, and heart. He died. You… To B So Weak

Gospel 353 ~No B In Emancipation~

504 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 346 ~Afraid, B Very Afraid~

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You wake up one morning, and half your life is gone. It can be four hours out of eight. It’s finding your pants around your ankles. It’s the loss of your best friend. So what am I still afraid of? That this bed is all, there is? Afraid, B Very Afraid

Sunday, June 12, 2022

Chronicle 346 ~Afraid, B Very Afraid~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, so the only thing I have to fear is losing my money. What about you? For once, you’re on time… (now 8:00AM)

You’re glad to be awake? For once, nature’s call was a close second to surprise, surprise, news from the Day Job. Hell, has a way of waking the dead. “No ore room in Hell” Ha! But Hell has many different forms, as evidenced by you dicking around all this time. What do you spend that Day Job money on? Her subscription is six bucks? They’re only Yabbos. Don’t you dare! But if not for those, what do you want to do? Nightmares? Not on a Sunday. You want advice, well here it is. Imagine lying beside B on the floor. The last Sunday, he was with you. You want to buy a Silvercut Life-Like Necklace with the inscription “Do It For Braxton Always.” And yet…

  1. I WILL BE Finishing Through My Dog’s Eyes: A Memoir to Help Heal…
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

You’re afraid of letting Braxton down? Please, you should get over that. As you’ll fail at even remembering Six Impossible Things. Okay, well, that’s me. But what does this mean for you other than fear? Are you afraid to try? Hell! You’re a Star Wars fan. There is no try. The thing you fear most in this world has already happened. Braxton dying… that’s one. Anything to do with your old man? Now that’s a reason to get out of this bed. Stop doing what you’ve been doing for the past few hours. Such a waste between sleeping, edging, Onlyfans. Let’s not forget you’ll spend this evening lamenting over this week. I gave Lady Lu somewhat of an outline yesterday for writing. Six Impossible Things.

  1. I WILL BE Finishing ??? To Be Decided
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Yeah, you’re not afraid of your fingers falling off? How about a fur-baby nipping them? You have one more week not to fear you’re failing as a father. Getting over being Braxton’s Dad. No Never! 497 days and counting. How about looking elsewhere for him? You’re not afraid of losing money, but you should be. Give yourself a little bit of credit, why don’t you. Between Cherry and M Anime, you didn’t give in to temptation. Yabbos are not evil, but what about all the evils that this world has. You took a respite from the news over on Youtube. And now, what are you afraid of at this specific moment? Again getting out of bed because what do you know? Nothing good. You’re still breathing. Afraid, B Very Afraid

Gospel 346 ~Be Something B Cause~

497 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Lesson 049 ~As Badly as Air~

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What do I want out of life, as a matter of fact, what is life other than one breath to the next, and why aren’t I making every single one of them count to have whatever it is I want in this world “As Badly as Air” I wonder how much I truly want.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Lesson 049 ~As Badly as Air~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, as we always come back to the question, what do I want, not what do you want, not what they want, what does society want but for once let me be selfish, hopeful, let me add an I to my tagline of impossible, immoral, illegal, with the word “Insane”. Not a doubt in my mind I’m there already or at least always heading in that direction, so about today’s lesson.

“When you want knowledge as you have just wanted air, then you will have knowledge”

Do you remember when I got super psyched to join up with Mensa, strange considering my grade point average or lack thereof; what exactly was I trying to prove? Honestly Lu it wouldn’t have mattered even if I got in, what would that solve, a wise man that says nothing is thought of as a fool. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t a fool, that would be a step in the right direction at least.

“There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.” Yuri, Lord of War (2005)

Anyway, my point is, back then that was something I wanted, bad enough that I paid for the practice test, bad enough that I looked for the actual test, and bad enough that I felt bad after the disaster which was the practice test. What have I wanted that badly since, besides the transgressions of my biology, I mean I want plenty but I went out of my way when it came to Mensa. How about air though, we all want and need air but how badly have I wanted it, what have I been willing to do to get it, if it wasn’t around.

Lady Lu if air wasn’t readily available I would have probably suffocated by now but I have been without it and my answer is “anything” I would do anything for that next breath. “M Anime” reminded me of this yesterday, a child was willing to fight for just one more gasp, so what about now.

I told you making that list yesterday made me all sorts of giddy, it made me feel like I was a kid again, though I was never one to write a list Santa. Who do we write our lists to nowadays, like yesterday it’s all about working, what are we willing to do to keep living, another reason I write.

Like air is everywhere, I never questioned what I would find under the tree, it was there and while I might be surprised here or there, I was grateful and I never expected more. Nobody teaches you how to breathe Luna, maybe a smack on the butt counts but you simply count out and you take what you need and damn anybody else. Now, what if I applied that to everything else in my life if I want it as bad as my next breath then what in the Hell is stopping me from having it, is it just me?

“You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” – The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

I haven’t written anything to my parents in a month or so but the world continues to turn, and so do the lights on and off, the air conditioner, how about a dozen other things, I keep living, I keep breathing. How about the fact that all I need to do is keep breathing so that I can do my job, I must want my job pretty damn badly to keep getting up. What about us Luna, every day I write and that says something when I want to write as badly as I need to breathe, that’s something right?

Maybe I’m finally getting the hang of this life thing, you know how much I hate that whole living every moment like it’s your last, if that were the case I would be ashamed of myself. How about treating everything as though you’re reaching for that last breath, everything you want is in that next breath, even if you can’t see it, just breathe in.

“I’m not that optimistic. I feel like I’m sinking down a drain and I can’t get out.

She’d say, “when you’re stuck in that spiral, you reach up”.

What if there’s nothing up there?

Just reach up.” Planet Terror (2007)

I know Luna I’m not one for motivation but this morning as I mulled over getting Braxton a new groomer, and my Amazon list I just started thinking, when I want us to have everything as much as I need the next breath what will I do to accomplish this? I’ve never been this early chatting you up I don’t think but first things first, I need to work harder.

Did you see how expensive all my wishes are, no my dear talking up a girl for one day out of the year isn’t going to cut it, though speaking of which talking up a girl at all would be something. Doesn’t that go back to being the caveman and then evolving, what’s the use of air if I’m not going to use it, I might just become one of those mouth breathers but like Braxton, I have plenty to say. What do I want as badly as I want air, I want to do something with it I want to live, the pursuit of happiness and all that jazz.

As badly as I want air, I actually want someone that takes it away from me, and I don’t mean to catch it because she will be standing there right in front of me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore with any of my breaths, which means facing down my fears, heading back to the illegal side of things because I want to stop some breaths and hearts. With each and every breath I want to know that finally, I am the person that I should be in life.

So what have we learned today, if I see anything I want, treat it as the next breath, what am I willing to do to possess and to do that, and hopefully not be arrested? Every single breath needs to matter because if you must fight for the next one at least it should be worth something and that something should be truly wanted and desired As Badly as Air.

I Will Have No Fear