Monday, August 14, 2017

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, you know the expression your body is a temple… yeah, mine is more a dystopian wasteland that I’ve just learned to navigate, and windows the windows are clean and aren’t broken. My eye exam went off without a hitch, no better, no worse, just about the same thankfully.

“You’re in love. Have a beer.

Oh, my body’s a temple.

Well, now it’s an amusement park.” – Hellboy II

About the same, in pretty much all circumstances that’s a win, hell in most parts of the world, maintaining the status quo is all that ever matters. I’ve told you that I can’t really afford better or to take such risk and yet I want Braxton to be better, but that’s what parents do with their children right. We want them to have it better than we ever did, though I’ll outlive Braxton, so it appears that way, considering species.

The thing is not so much that we are okay but that we “fake it till we make it” I’ve always hated that saying but we have to be okay because the world won’t have it any other way. Why does the world make us try so hard because we can’t bear to see another in pain… please, we see that all the time and yet I can’t stand to watch those sad commercials with animals. I even thrive on seeing how much we can take, I want to know how much a person can take and keep on wanting me, just on the fact that I do nothing and people don’t want me around.

“Now say it! You’re going to be okay. Say it! You’re going to be okay! Say the goddamn words. You’re going to be okay!

Oh, god!

Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!

I’m okay, Larry

Correct! Correct.

I’m okay.” – from Reservoir Dogs (1992)

I told, “Indiana Gone” we are constantly saying we’re sorry but what else can we do, it’s up to the person to survive even if we intervene. We’re survivors Luna, at the end of the day we just keep going and I can only wonder what we would do if we were free of this.

Allowed to be crazy, allowed to crack, to fall to pieces, to give into the madness, the thought is rather appealing wouldn’t you say. I remember that reality show “Solitary” where one of the contestants said it was like living out what it would be like to live in an insane asylum for a time.

Anything you would do would be a result of your condition, out here I don’t talk and I’m considered crazy, in an institution, I’d still be crazy but more to the point it would be just plain normal. It is such a hassle to just hold it all together for as long as I have to, you wonder why I don’t know who I am, Lady Lu, I am just that damn good, I have to hide from everyone including myself. You know I thought I’ve been writing about a certain subject for a few days now but maybe I’m just trying to escape myself.

These walls are resilient though, too strong, too thick, this body may be a stick my mind is a fortress and as I said all that slips out is the occasional flood of tears or the miasma that normal clouds my mind. It’s the only way I survive, the only way I know how and I can see the writing on the wall and you know what it says, break here, find a way to smash through, however, I can. Now I’m not saying resilience is all bad, some things must remain standing if you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything isn’t that right.

You just have to think that Atlas wants to put the world down from time to time and if I could give him a breather with all the heaviness in my mind and heart, so much the better. Let everything just come crumbling down and then just see what happens you know, what comes next.

I’m not the only my friend, now normally, you and I don’t discuss “politics” I’m more an embrace the madness, watch the world burn, as I said I only seek to maintain equilibrium for me and Braxton but the rest of the world is starting to crack or stand, I can’t really say right now. White Supremacists, Neo Nazis, KKK, and everything else, the world they thought of is normal is collapsing and now they are taking a stand, of course, I’m on the other side, such a world never benefited everybody else, so these, Supremacists should fall by the way side to be sure.

Hate though Luna is as resilient as anything, why I’m still writing whatever is proof of that, so how do you break it down? I actually looked up that movie “The Women of Brewster Place” yeah I know I’m awfully strange but I was remembering that last scene when they broke down the wall. Anyway do I become more resilient to keep surviving, less and crumble into a mess, I have no earthly idea.

If anything I have been trying to break down some, be more open, we have been talking about this forever but today was my first day out in about three, you know with people, I have to start back going out every day. Sad to say I have lost a bit of that drive, back to day one as it is and what about “The Day”, speaking of which did I almost forget about “M Anime” and getting her a present, and what about Indiana Gone telling me to name something I want. The world is just one big rock and we have to roll along, not that I mind so much in this instance today.

What did I learn today other than the fact I’ll get to watch the world keep burning and maybe I will see the moment when I finally become something more? You know maybe I don’t need to break the wall down, I just need to rise above it, yeah if I can build something with just as much Resilience.

I Will Have No Fear