Tale 058 ~Personality Trait; No, Cruelty’s Habit~

I’ve got bad habits. I cry over B once a day. I’m unsure Virgil knows his name; I hardly speak to him. Yet, I’m ranting about hating my Day Job. And whenever will I stop gasping at the sight of… never mind. Personality Trait; No, Cruelty’s Habit

Monday, August 28, 2023

Tale 058 ~Personality Trait; No, Cruelty’s Habit~

Three-Hundredth And Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I didn’t need money to become cruel. The Man in the Mirror, my Braxton, too many…

But today, Friday, August 25, 2023… Time Travel. As usual, I begin with Braxton Barks. How I love my son. But dying was the worst thing he ever did to me. But who chose death? My final words to him might as well have been, “Go To Sleep.” Music Madam? That’s the problem. I’m never sure if I’m hearing Braxton or I am torturing myself. I’ve listened to this song, “On My Block,” all day. In particular, this one line goes, “I’d never leave my block; my (n-words) need me.” You have no idea how much we need you, Braxton. I’m back to reading books on dead fur babies. “When Pets Pass Away,” ha. So not funny. True enough, me being a sadist and all.

Or should I say a masochist? The things I’ve been subjecting myself to these days. And why. What day am I on now? And why not read something like “Backyard Dungeon 2?” Either way, it goes, I’m hurting myself and getting off on the pain. I’ve cried twice today so far. I don’t deserve pleasure, plainness, or even pain. That’s keeping my pants on, Madam. Suffering is a feeling. And who knows? Oh! Have my Olds called yet with E-Day? Every day, we get closer. I have been cruel to them. Seeing I continually breathe. Then I think about what I want from women. But looking at myself, Madam… Monster! Next to Braxton, I hurt him most of all. And how to break the habit…

I’ve been wanting to since I was 17. Younger than that, even. Damnation is eternal. Madam, with my luck, I would find myself talking to you right here in this bed. Wouldn’t that be a vision? You and all the girls, Braxton sitting in his corner, and a successful me. Now, this sounds like more of a confession to Inspector Echo; only Madam, please listen. I habitually talk to myself because nobody wants to listen to me. Uh, V and B III. Can they hear me? It’s like that scene from “New Moon.” There’s the Possibility. Right? And with things like OnlyFans, Pure Taboo, and The Pic Phenomenon that go on, sigh. But feeling nothing. My Indifference killed Braxton? Cruelty? Personality Trait; No, Cruelty’s Habit.

939 Days Without B III, Day 380 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Lesson 169 ~Picturing Hell Over Heaven~

Is it hot in here, or is it just me, turned on, angry, spending in time in Hell but I do know there is a Heaven out there somewhere, and I only need one more glimpse of such a place, just one. Picturing Hell Over Heaven.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Lesson 169 ~Picturing Hell Over Heaven~

To Will:
No Fear, you know who the monsters are, you’ve seen their faces, heard their words, they echo in your mind, and Hell is a mighty big place. I can see why you would want to stick around and as much as I want to sound like some televangelist, in honor of Carl Grimes R.I.P. Just Survive Somehow Will.

It’s so much simpler isn’t it, it’s getting to the point where it’s not the worst thing that frightens you but the best because at least for now, this moment you know you can survive. Who am I to tell you to picture a brighter tomorrow, the point is just to make it there and then the next day, and the day after and that is an achievement and I’m proud of you. Then how about our wants, we still live by the four I’s, Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane because there is nothing that falls outside of those categories but that will be your goal this week, ask what if.

Usually, I want to tell you to be a good man, a better man than me and again you already are, you’ve resisted temptation, you’ve survived the most extended hours this week, and you’re not making life harder for yourself, no that’s my job. I’m sure I’ve told you not to look back but here’s the thing, just because we see Hell doesn’t mean we haven’t seen Heaven, we might not remember it and hoping for anything at this point sucks. I want you to imagine just for an instant, you walk into stores all the time and see happy couples, you pretend that you don’t hear the whispers, hell as if people bother to whisper. Even today you bought hot chocolate and since you don’t drink alcohol, isn’t that a return to such innocence?

Will I ask so much of you and I have yet to find that one real accomplishment that may become a good habit, I mean other than breathing and that’s becoming more difficult I know it. This week I just want a creature comfort, something good that you can claim, a want satisfied that won’t land you smack dab in Hell and requires more prep than a bit of ice cream or a Rice Krispy treat, pretty easy you think?

If you found yourself in Heaven not Hell what would it be what if we’re not Picturing Hell Over Heaven?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

How much time you got or should I just say I’m afraid of the whole world… thankfully that would be a lie but the truth is I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I Will Have No Fear, sooner or later but it’s been more than 66 Days

Monday, October 9, 2017

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

First Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear but honestly You know I could go on for forever and a day when it comes to fear, a toss-up between the things that scare me and the things I wish I could believe. So what does this rule mean to me, no real deeper meaning being my first rule, simple and direct?

“Please explain to me just once, why.
Because I’m afraid!

You don’t think your dad ever felt afraid?
If he did,
he figured out some way to beat it.

Yeah, well, there’s a word for that:
Courage” Green Lantern (2011)

Fear Justice, is a disease, it’s a freaking plague, like a zombie virus, it keeps you moving, keeps you seeking something and in the end what do you do with it? I don’t want to be like my father and that in itself is fear but how does he cover up his fear, anger, hate, do I really need to quote Yoda here. Like most things in my life, I believe if I ever find the root cause of it maybe I can find a way to overcome it but that’s not possible is it?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Master Yoda, Star Wars Franchise

Anxiety Justice, “Indiana Gone” wonders how I sleep so well, nightmares usually aren’t a concern, it’s real life so maybe I should list ten things that scared me just today:

01. Leaving Braxton by himself
02. Going to work
03. Getting the door for coworkers
04. Being overwhelmed at work
05. Multiple meetings (huddle)
06. Being called out by coworkers
07. Walking Braxton
08. Kneeling to check if the ground was cool enough for Braxton (Neighbors have a Flag)
09. Anything happening to Braxton, itchy, toenail stuck in collar ring, etc.
10. Work tomorrow and company after
“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!” Fight Club (1999)

This is why I constantly quote this rule Justice if anything I should have gone fight club with it and quoted it twice but that will be for next week. Speaking of which I read somewhere that it takes 66 days for something to become a habit and here I am with one hundred lessons, oh right and writing scares me to which is why I’m so late with this, wondering if I’m making any sense at all.

I’m scared that I’m losing my mind, splitting all these ideas up in my mind you know but since this is in relation to the first rule, I’m scared of what people will think of me. How about being scared that no one is thinking of me at all, and in both of those scenarios what will I do then.

There is nothing to learn this is something I know, I Will Have No Fear

“Thou Art Courageous” Spoken to Link, The Legend of Zelda

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember.” Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I Will Have No Fear