Tag: Future

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

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Living my life is one tall order, so everything I seem to do always feels like a reach, a stretch and even then everything looks so much bigger and farther out. A Little Bit Taller and then maybe I can see what awaits me

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but no quit either, or so I’m hoping to finish strong but don’t my words always fall short and I mean that literally. Not yesterday though, it’s always something when I actually finish five thousand words and why not today?

What’s the difference between fear and worry, I don’t fear to go to work, hate it, loathe it, despise it, the list goes on but at the end of the day I’m going to go anyway. When I think about it I can’t even remember what goes on, not like when we were talking every day but that’s not why I wish I were taller. As if I need to see any more of that place as is, but as for my other pursuit, my writing the only thing that truly matters is my word count thus the hours I’ve been logging these few days.

So what are my reasons for wanting to be taller… a question that has plagued men since the beginning of time “does size matter” maybe I just want to look down on people, at least physically as everybody looks down on me regardless. Maybe I wouldn’t be so worried about everything from the neck down if my brain was farther away… you, of course, know the small head seems to take precedence over the big one, sad but true. It could be that I just hate talking to people, again that’s my anxiety talking maybe but it’s as if a bunch of gnats or something is constantly buzzing over my ears and to smack them…

Considering my personal beliefs I’ve been talking about God a lot in my novel and if anything perhaps I just wish I could hear him better if he is even up there. How about I’m dreaming of escape, I’m in need of a wish, I want to know I’m growing instead of shrinking, like from the general manager a day or so ago, which sucked.

Who is it that decided that some must be brought low so that others may rain on high, I’m more for when “The Police” sang about your servant is your master, but thank goodness Braxton doesn’t have any fingers. So what have we learned today, that whatever you reach for needs to matter or maybe I’m just trying to see the future, so to be just A Little Bit Taller?

I Will Have No Fear

Yes My Ear

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You never see the monster until there’s time to make the trip to that upper room but then again I’m probably going to Hell as often as I keep my head down. Yes My Ear, someone told me to play it by ear because to see what’s coming

I’m “Alive”!
Black or white, in living color, “Live!”
or so the heart appears
in the eyes, on the touch, in the beat of another
Always undercover
Ashamed, it remains unclear

if I am running or hiding
Do I have what it takes to keep surviving
Yes, my feet persevere
Only I can’t look down, I won’t look back
Because I don’t know if I could handle that
Whenever people come near

Am I a sheep
a lion, who’s roar I must keep
like any secret near and dear
Better to be a live chicken than a dead duck
Wanting to scream… what today I’m out of luck
as the fear

makes me into a Mime
I look at my watch thinking it’s time
To have a voice, like Shaka Zulu and his spear
So I have but a pen
with but to write every virtue and every sin
words that won’t disappear

Though if I were to write the future
there would be fewer
bombs, “Hurricanes”, Kamikazes here
And of Rocket 69?
Well I’m not blind
Suppose I should cheer

the fact I have not seen Elysium
entered Heaven at a premium
Oh to be like Katniss and volunteer
My tribute to courage, to live brave and best
Just say yes
Play it by ear

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

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Hopefully, I’ll have something else to tell you, a good past for once and an uncertain future which is why this is nothing new, I’ll be indisposed hopefully living a dream. “See Who, The Oracle” if only someone actually saw the future

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear that I am back again so soon my dear, I don’t know if I can set this for tomorrow or today but it has to be done given certain events that I’m not even sure of yet. Things I do know are that I’ll probably have no time to fill you in but my sister’s birthday might work but until that day we can only speculate and I don’t want to, beats the past right?

Yes, I’m going to talk about the past, so where was I on this day, a year ago… I remember watching “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” with “Okay”, just when I think I’m becoming a better man. Speaking of being a better man, that was also the day I took “Indiana Gone” to the movies, the first time it an amazingly long time I actually was out with anyone. We came back to my place, ate pizza watched “Secret Girlfriend”, “Repo Men” and “Extreme Movie” and I tell you this Luna because I don’t want to forget that day ever. Also, we weren’t even speaking you and me, an oversight on my part to be sure.

“You make me want to be a better man.” As Good as It Gets (1997)

I don’t see it happening Lady Lu, I keep saying I’m going out there, I’m fighting the fight and yet the world continues as so. If my mother could have predicted the man I would be today… maybe she would have tried harder, talk about where I get my fighting spirit from. If I was blessed with a gift of prophecy, well chances are I would have finished what I started so many years ago I think. Of course, we have last year which for the most part put every other day like this to shame, even if I were a lecher to a degree.

“High school is a lot like prison: Bad food, high fences; the sex you want, you ain’t gettin’, the sex you gettin’, you don’t want. I’ve seen terrible things.” – Luther, The New Guy (2002)

So what am I hoping for this year, what will we not be talking about today because I’m going to be busy, getting busy, highly doubtful but have I not already done what I think is impossible which is pretty much all the hopefulness you will be getting out of me? Would you like to be my oracle rather than my therapist, one of these days I need a real wish list or rather a bucket list right, an inkling?

What will I learn tomorrow, what dreams may come, that I can become a better man, a man that I can stand to look at maybe, See Who, The Oracle.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 063 ~New World’s Price Tag~

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Porn Star’s good graces $250.00, a new website $80.00, being nice $500.00, my dog’s life, priceless, though that’s not entirely true, keeping him healthy and groomed and I’ve been able to handle everything so far. New World’s Price Tag

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Lesson 063 ~New World’s Price Tag~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and nothing we can’t do without but still I can’t help but imagine the possibilities, all the things that you could have done, should be doing and will be at some point. Suppose I still have the ability to surprise myself from time to time, buying into this world or at least it’s people maybe.

“What’s the threat? We all sell out every day, might as well be on the winning team.” They Live (1988)

I’ve never had a problem with the concept of buying a woman, no I haven’t ever been that sort of man, not for lack of trying, I mean all guys pay for it, take Valentine’s Day for example, though that’s not a popular sentiment in any case. I consider myself a simple man to a certain degree like I told “Indiana Gone” if I can live without it, I’ll save my money. I’ve had my fair share of being an idiot though, I spent money on a porn star once for her birthday, I don’t suppose I can defend myself saying that she is the perfect woman, the goddess right?

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” – Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

Anyway for today’s lesson, sometimes I spend money like there is no tomorrow, I mean why not live it up right when I usually believe that the world is going to end in five minutes or less. What about the idea that we spend money on the things, on the people that we care about, and for some reason that does always come back to women for me but I’m not a total schlub? That’s why I’m so surprised, on you Lady Lu I’m still creating a place and you’re fictional along with several other women who will inhabit this world, for another, well maybe a few you can call it madness, and on yet another, a friend needs help and I give it without every be asking, I know Joel Osteen can take a lesson from this I think.

“If a man expects his woman to be an angel in his life, he first must create a heaven for her. Angels don’t live in hell.” – an unknown quote

Maybe that’s what I’m trying to figure out Luna, I mean Braxton is my son and no price is too high, though I fear the day something comes to pass where I won’t have enough to give. He’s probably the one thing on earth that I finance without an ulterior motive but then what was I thinking yesterday with my friend?

Hell, what about this place, what have I learned today, in the end, Luna, the New World’s Price Tag.

Family Portrait

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Fortunately, I never truly talk to my family, even better there is only my dog and me, being somebody’s husband… or having kids with two legs instead of four? Family Portrait, but it’s getting sort of crowded in here I think.

Okay so I’m my own secret society
before her, before them, before him
but my dog is my best friend
Cause he doesn’t need an answer or three
as I’m trying to be husband, daddy, what’s the matter
with me and it just makes me sadder
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, my expression
“I’m fine” the words squeak out
Some father, some spouse, more house

Only if I could afford it, show some propriety
Most people count their money
I count at the door, the tiles on the floor, who’s laughing at me
Can I have a moment of peace
When everything is five by five
Working I strive
Decide then I will feel alive, an obsession
maybe I’m normal, human, an ordinary human, my girl
says there is more to this world

Oh if I could only see it, such variety
Still, the ground looks the same
Sad tears, painful, I’m sure they think I’m insane
Clowns can be sad, especially, when they believe
that’s not their true
calling, so who are you
Did I give you the impression
perhaps I cared in the first place.
I need more space

One man and his anxiety
and still, I wonder why I can’t breathe
Counting seats for my O.C.D.
my dog, me and the
disease known as Depression

Now Say Cheese

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

 

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

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Why someday and not today, all I can promise is soon, how long did it take to write the greatest novels, to build Rome, or for one to know themselves, hell is anybody waiting for me? How to Measure Someday

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… are we there yet, how about now, maybe, possibly; anyway this is the rule I am constantly breaking, rule 001 “I Will Have No Fear” and even now I’m tempted to say someday I won’t be afraid only I might as well say never. Today’s lesson is based on another rule “Someday Is Not a Measurement” so the question becomes how do I measure progress, success, where I’m going today.

I will say there were more peaceful days when I was doing my impression of Tom Sawyer, just sitting on a rock, basking in the sun, writing, it’s always easier when you start out. From there it was locking myself in my room, just sitting in bed, to now, I’m actually typing at my makeshift desk because I intend to make something of myself. One day, not someday but one day I intend to be sitting in Books-A-Million or Target, doing book signings, a return to paper and pen, though there is nothing wrong with Kindle or any other E-Readers.

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I’ll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I’ll look around for another try
And fade away – Sugar Ray, Someday

Once upon a time, I thought about wartime journalism, for the life of me I can’t imagine why, Jake Sisko or Joseph L. Galloway, even back then I didn’t want to hurt anybody but I felt I could show the world. Sad to say I just found words to be my weapon of choice, you know the pen is mightier than the sword… and then I found blogging, lost it and what about now? I propose to be a novelist, how many things have I already written, how many will I write, one-day m novels will be everywhere, “write where they will see”, yes my lady that’s another new rule.

“Can’t take no pictures lying down there, sonny. Down, right there.

I’m a noncombatant, sir.

Ain’t no such thing today, boy.” We Were Soldiers (2002)

This is why writing is so exhausting for me, it’s strapping up, it’s preparing for a war and I’m looking forward to peace, once there once was, and then women happened. Anxiety is a bitch but not the women I associate with… usually; if a dog is a blank check for love a woman is a wellspring of inspiration indeed.

Speaking of women, a man can tell a lot about himself by the women he does associate himself with, by the women in his world, and the women he creates worlds for; what exactly does that mean for this man.

“A man’s strength can be measured by his appetites. Indeed, a man’s strength *flows* from his appetites.” Enter The Dragon

So yes I was but a boy when I discovered Hentai, the earliest I can remember is “Ayeka Masaki Jurai” (Princess Ayeka), again I can’t tell you why but something about her just spoke to me and someday didn’t exist. Well, I take that back, one day I was going to buy every hentai under the sun… okay steal maybe but I was quickly thinking about all the things I would do for a woman. On that note, as actual women are concerned she has to be into hentai, a woman you can watch anything with is surely a must.

As I moved onto real women and I was one for courtly love, now in this area I truly need to take a step back unless I want to start writing so other guys can get laid. One day that was going to be me but honestly the sweetest words… not to mention the angriest words; can I go a day without feeling like Trump, “Fake News” and something I said being taken out of context, let’s stay up Luna.

When I think about the novel I finished writing, see that makes me laugh at one girl’s vanity, I literally created a harem of fictional girls and the things I did to them just wrong in every sense of the word. Anyway, my point is I went from hentai to real girls which were not at all fun, to now, I think I offended another friend yesterday but she’s a good friend. One day is actually starting to sound like someday but anyway, I will share with you my type, when I’m feeling bolder some.

“It’s not my place to ask. I believe in something greater than myself. A better world. A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die… so you can live in your better world?

I’m not going to live there. There’s no place for me there… any more than there is for you. Malcolm… I’m a monster. What I do is evil. I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.” – from Serenity (2005)

 

 

Manhood is a constant evolution, the problem is learning, rejection, humiliation, success that’s why I have to keep moving forward.

There was a time when I was all sunshine and lollipops and I wonder what the someday was then, it was never chains and whips excite me but they do.

I thought my story of turkeys taking over the world would be a bestseller at one point and I threw it all away because it didn’t mean any standards, namely my own. I wrote several other books but nothing that was ever… seriously I don’t have the words but I was actually paid for my work. If you want to know my biggest someday it will be publishing that one-hundred and twenty-thousand-word novel just sitting here waiting for me Luna.

It would certainly be better than counting the days of no apologies or being caught up in someone else’s madness and adopting it as my own. How about someday I won’t be preparing arguments for my defense, or ways to beg and plead my way out of something; that day still has yet to arrive.

Someday it won’t be opening up a vein and letting the contents spill onto the page, I still have that tick of shaking my head to dislodge so many bad memories. I know I’ll be better when I’m like E.L. James, talk all the shit you want about “Fifty Shades of Grey” fifty million copies, let’s say four bucks a pop, two hundred million, I would write whatever I want to write. Speaking of which that is the dream, not just in print but in my own voice, to not be afraid to say whatever I want, the things I’m actually holding back Lady Lu.

The thing is my name is already out there, and I think is it the people who love you or the people who hate you is How to Measure Someday.

“Let’s take what we have while we live. I have never had so much as now. All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That’s so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night. Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” – Valeria, from Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

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Not my theme song as of yet, though plenty of people hate my kind, I, on the other hand, am an equal opportunity hater but that doesn’t help with the question where is the love “You Can Hate Me,” maybe I know plenty of people that do in fact

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but is it truly so bad, if we have equal rights, if I don’t have to pretend to like you, if I can be me and you can be you and no I’m not talking about separate but equal like back in the day, that wasn’t fair, no not at all. What I mean is, for some Luna, I talked about this last night, I don’t want to make the effort to pretend; I know there is such a thing as courtesy, but there is a fine line between being friends and then being friendly.

Work is not the place I go to make friends *cough* “Okay” *cough* “Gospel Girl” *cough*, so what can I say I like a particular type of girl but I consider myself one for equal opportunity with different women. Isn’t that profiling though, I mean how many of those white supremacists know anything about different races, other than what they have been taught to believe. Don’t I have experience on my side when it comes to people, as I said equality, the people I want to make an honest effort with I’ll most certainly try.

Hate though, still not religious but why does God make it so easy, he’s pretty equal to when you consider ending the world with a flood, Lot’s family, Job, and others, he made an effort and screwed everybody else. It’s not an old concept my dear Luna, I want to be friendly but I don’t want to be your friend, I’m not talking about us of course, you and I are friends, even through the years of not speaking I hope. Why is it we all hate to be hated or even worse ignored, I’m exactly the same in that I want to be liked, but I also want to be left alone most days.

So why am I hated if I’m not one for doing anything at all, hated for existing or as I talked about last night the fear of how I, how they, how we might go about changing the world, the status quo. I’m not superior to anybody but don’t I want to be, at least where money and power are concerned, I can be a bit hoity-toity here and there.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I’m sure I told you in a former life that my grandmother said I was full of pride, can you believe that, me with pride but I do see it from time to time. Why would anybody hate me, Luna, I’ve been raised in the south but most people that look down on me are my “own” people, yeah I’ve had my share of racism but compared to what?

When I go shopping I always go for name brands, I can’t do the general stuff but that’s not me flaunting superiority is it, there honestly is a difference in quality is it not? What about certain women, experience Luna, just experience if one type of woman turns me down or hates me outright who am I to continue to show love? Martin Luther King Jr wanted to turn hate into love and it is an admirable goal without a doubt but I cannot show that sort of effort, I don’t need the world to love me… oh yeah, fame.

Why do people hate me, I can look in the mirror and know for a fact that I’m not easy to look at, of course, “Indiana Gone” would have some choice words if she heard me say that. I haven’t said skeevy in a while but yes I am, I won’t deny it, I crossed a line and you know what we both did, we built a wall, well actually I made a trench and she filled it with a wall. For certain it’s because I’m not like them and if I ever was I would hate myself all the more, yeah I want to be loud but not stupid.

Do I consider myself smarter then, if it’s between Shakespeare and football then give me Shakespeare but they don’t have to listen to it if they don’t want? When you hate everything you are to become what they want is the ultimate crime, when they can’t turn you and when you can’t leave because there is nowhere else to go.

“But we make the brain perfect before we blow it out.” ― George Orwell, 1984

How is it they say, if you can’t deal with my worse then you don’t deserve my best, the only thing worse than my outside is within and that’s why I give people a reason to hate me, in a way it’s a public service, making people less shallow. Is it possible to vanquish hate, with an understanding perhaps but humanity prefers love with hatred coming in a close second.

The fact that people hate me at all is something, hatred takes a lot of effort, not thought, effort, though ask me why I hate anybody and while I have my fear I can name dozens of reasons but most people aren’t worth the effort. Indifference is supposed to be worse but I rather have that than you being someone who isn’t worth the effort, making me want to understand and then choosing to hate because it saves some time. If you want to know a time that love came easily when I first saw Braxton, how about the first brunette that somehow captured my heart, or reading “The Gargoyle”.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” 10 Things I Hate About You

While I don’t see love on the horizon, I see hate around every corner, I’m going to hate tomorrow, the job, the people, my bank account but I’ll make the effort just to get through it. I hate the failures that will come, that the man I want to be won’t defeat the man I am and I’ll hate him more furiously than anyone else because I know how and I don’t want to hate people more than I already do. I will especially hate the future, if I’m still at the same job, still alone, and Braxton isn’t going to live forever, even today the sound when he wasn’t here but at the groomers, now that Luna is hate.

So what have I learned today, other than I’m making a few claims on the world that I can’t back up, not without somebody bleeding; there was hate then, hate now, and hate in the future so I better find somebody to love that has more than four legs. I shouldn’t hate at all but the world doesn’t bend to my will as of yet so, You Can Hate Me.

I Will Have No Fear