Tag: Work

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

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If I think I hate them today, I probably will hate them tomorrow and the question remains why do I hate them you can’t just put the blame on me or my anxiety. “You Don’t Hate Them…” something I wish I could believe or even desire.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but if I do hate them, take solace in the fact that I hate myself more, I’m my own worst enemy and yet I’m still living. On the other hand, you don’t need hate to kill, not necessarily; okay so today is going to be a scary day, it has been, still is, and it may be, still got time.

“It is alright for you to hate them. What did they do? They revered you as a saint and called you holy, and made you promise to become a living Buddha, the fools. Then they buried you alive in solitary darkness. Hate them. Hate them all, the humans of this world.” ― Naraku, Fare Thee Well: Jakotsu’s Requiem (Episode 120)

I don’t possess such hatred Lady Lu and I pray I never do but we both know I’m no saint, and I’m one to ask forgiveness rather than permission, we may get to that today maybe. The thing is today, I was at work, another huddle and I mean just looking at all of them standing there I was filled with an almost overwhelming rage, that threatened to burn me alive. You might call it embarrassment when I walked away from that insipid hands in thing these teams do but no I only grew angrier.

What truly gets to me though is the fact that I should have stood against them, I should have said something but I didn’t say anything. I wonder which is worse, to spew such hateful things for the world to see or to pack it in and let it eat away at you and bury you. Now hate ultimately will kill you, not a doubt in my mind but I’m M.A.D. Mutually Assured Destruction, I don’t mind going as long as I take my enemy along for that last ride.

So the question, do I hate them, you don’t hate them implies that I have reservations and I shouldn’t care enough to hate should I? It’s there though but maybe we should start by how one defines hate, begin at the beginning and all that.

“Hate” – an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury; extreme dislike or disgust

Again Lady Lu I don’t want to delve into politics but those white supremacists Charlottesville, is it fear, anger, a sense of injury, dislike, disgust, a bit of everything, just the feeling of being superior. Now I could go on forever about my own fear, I won’t quote Yoda today but talk about my greatest fear… my father and you will know why I hate him more than anything else.

They say hate is taught, no one is born hating or to hate, children don’t hate because they have no fear, indeed it is fear that is the architect of hate. As I hope that I don’t possess such hate, I also hope I don’t possess such fear but if I would have spoken up today, would I have lost my hate by releasing it upon them all or would I have only spread that hate. If anything it beats what I am now, I hate and I have been hated or maybe I give myself too much credit there.

“In all this darkness, is there anybody who can make out the truth? He hated, and he killed, and now he dies. And you hated, you killed, and now there’s not one of you… Not one of you who isn’t doomed. Do you know why it’s dark? Do you know why it is night all around us? Do you know what the blackness is? It’s the hate he felt, the hate you felt, the hate all of us feel, and there’s too much of it. There’s just too much. And so we had to vomit it out. And now it’s coming up all around us and choking us. So much hate, so much miserable hate.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black

I wonder did I hate before anxiety, I didn’t always have one or the other but I think one gives rise to the other, I notice with hate, I gain courage or that’s just anger talking… still not quoting Yoda. People taught me how to hate Luna, no way around that, evil begets evil though they wouldn’t call it that, they would say they’re making a joke. No, they are making you feel small and inferior while uplifting themselves and when we grow tired of this we fight back and when those who were brought low begin to rise what comes next, fear and hate.

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 – 1968)

If anything my friend I think the concepts of love and hate come far too easily, it irks me when people speak of love so casually and here I speak of hate, so what is the answer? I will not love, in most cases, this is impossible not that I don’t wish that I knew it more, I love my dog, I love my mom but hate, seriously should I just write another whole book?

If I don’t hate people maybe I truly mean I don’t understand them and see that’s a problem in itself, understanding another is a burden and people don’t want to be understood they want to be loud. We don’t want to know our fellow man because we’re too busy trying to be better and I don’t think I’m better than anyone else… no, I’m not.

Here’s another question Luna, why should I hate at all if it doesn’t do any good, I can’t destroy those who I say I hate, I might be killing myself with this sickness though I continue to live on, so what’s the point. Already I said understanding but I don’t need to understand these people to do what is required, what entitles anybody to our understanding. If we can breathe the same air, if we can work together, if we can be protected by the same laws then there is no need for hate or for understanding and that understanding we can give to those worth our efforts, I think.

“Do you talk to someone else while we’re talking?

Yes.

Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever…

Yeah.

How many others?

8,316.

Are you in love with anybody else?

Why do you ask that?

I do not know. Are you?

I’ve been thinking about how to talk to you about this.

How many others?

641.” Her

Maybe if I knew how to love more, I could learn how to hate less, that’s part of my new philosophy, if I talk more, people will have to understand more, maybe they will maybe they won’t but I’m sick of giving them the luxury of saying whatever and putting the burden on me. When I ask people do they need help, I am attempting to understand them and if I do understand then we move forward if I don’t well we fear what we don’t understand and eventually we hate. Nobody teaches you how to breathe but as the song goes, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me and how many people are doing that in the world?

So what have I learned today other than I have so much more room for hate, I mean the heart has finite space but hatred is ever increasing, it’s called a graveyard. Strange though that hate will keep you alive but love is worth dying for, You Don’t Hate Them…

“A sickness known as hate; not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ – but a sickness nonetheless, highly contagious, deadly in its effects. Don’t look for it in the Twilight Zone – look for it in a mirror. Look for it before the light goes out altogether.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black (1964)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

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Today’s episode of Easy Street is brought to you by the letter “P”, there are plenty of good words that start with P but what about pain or better the prevention of pain if you’re my dog. Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing

 

Friday, August 11, 2017

Lesson 041 ~Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I wish I could say no humiliation, no abandonment issues, no new taxes and the like but that would be wishful thinking wouldn’t it? Not the way most people look at a trip to the doctor or a visit to the groomers but Braxton and I will just have to suck it up, won’t we?

“If you’re not my dog, my girl, or looking to be, don’t touch me” Me

Something I have always wanted to say at work if I was ever pushed to do so and speaking of which nobody is pushing me to the eye doctor, and Braxton could live his life as always but here we go. Already I have to confirm the appointments and already the anxiety is getting to me but other than my eyes, a trip to another doctor just isn’t in the cards. I think child me knew more than adult me, I mean who actually pays to be tortured; how lucky I am that I don’t enjoy in pain, my pain.

Braxton if anything is a big baby but I can’t help but be worried about him, we’ve nearly survived another year and now I want to trust him to somebody else, honestly, it’s just a spa treatment really. Is that how it works, he makes me mad enough and I send him on an all-expenses paid vacation, what’s going to happen when I finally meet the right woman. Do we really need to talk about what happens with women and when I get upset, seriously for the last few days it has been all about Ms. Seasons, in another life I would have been fired?

Please don’t get fired, luckily she is far, far away but work has turned into a dangerous place, new people coming in and people who don’t entirely piss me off quitting and getting canned. So yeah Luna no pampering for me and “The Day” is coming but before that, a friend’s birthday, and there is this hustle of mine, so far twenty bucks but that’s a far cry from what’s need in my writing friend.

“Define Economics.

Economics is a science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of commodities.

Translation?

Dig first, money later.” Abbe Faria, Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo

Isn’t it strange that it wasn’t the money at all that first provoked me, pushed me, pained me, Lady Lu, my motivations, payback, pain, and pussy… I know my language.

When I cried out to you more than a month ago it was the pain I found unbearable and I kept writing to sedate it, probably more so now but then there is hope Luna. I’d like to think hope that I could have a better life and again while I won’t completely ignore profit I was mad as Hell, I prepared myself for a war that would never come. She blocked me off of everything, wrote me off like others… far more disturbing and while she couldn’t care at all I write because… I want success and in having something that succeeds her, I have my payback, my glory.

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Which brings me to pain again, physically I am sore, my eyes hurt some, I would be lost without my glasses and the only reason I must be so cautious is for Braxton’s sake. When it comes to other people, allow me to sound like a psycho but if I don’t like you death or think you’re ugly death is certain, it’s those I care for, those I find the most beautiful that I hurt the most; a part of being a sadist, okay back to your original program Luna.

Now “Indiana Gone” and I talk about what a man will do for a woman and yes I have done plenty in the name of attraction and madness, it’s biology as always. I dream that I am a man that will do the impossible you know, become all Man of La Mancha with it but you saw what that guy was like; anyway, while I am a sadist for one reason I am a dominant for the other. I must sound so crazy… I get off on bondage, on command, on control, okay one of these days we’re going to have a huge BDSM discussion.

Anyway, payback, pain, pussy, why not link all three into one, power, and when you go to the doctor you’re giving your life, your power, to someone else, submission Luna and I hate my own.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.”
― Marquis de Sade

Luna, I hate being poked and prodded for the answers I should have and don’t, I hate pretenders and those who attempt to placate me, I even hate being pampered to a certain degree, teased. Braxton is surely his father’s son because he hates being poked and prodded for bugs or his health, and don’t get me started on the pampering unless life was one big bed in the sunlight with a shady spot, surrounded by meat and I was stuck with him for life.

I hate being pushed to the limit, and as many times as I say I have hit rock bottom, it seems that push still has me falling and it’s a long way down. Doing this Luna is an act of pushing myself and I don’t know where I’m going but something tells me that one day it won’t be vice constantly pushing me forward. Oh my cough *women* cough, I just mean I’ll look forward to my work rather than living in dread of truths I might set free occasionally.

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe. – V for Vendetta

Ignorance is bliss they say and Braxton has no idea he has an appointment and I hate lying to the little guy, secrets are lies, I really have to get back to reading. As flattered as I am by authors wanting me to read their works and by being a part of an erotic reading club there is still pressure. My whole damn life I feel like I’m under pressure and we know time is running out because I always have Project Alamo on standby.

So what have we learned today other than this lesson was brought to you by the letter “P’ and I may be getting a bit presumptuous, a bit more pathetic, or hell more powerful perhaps? What I have learned is peace can only be found with absolute power, or at the dentist office (he’s got the good drugs) or when you’re not thinking with a certain part of your anatomy just Poking, Prodding, Pampering, Pushing.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
― by Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

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One month and really what has changed, hell this is a month I never expected to see and that started so many years ago and yet somehow I have survived and you have been here for the ride. “30 Days Without Incident” …

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

Hey Lady Lu,
Thirty-one days but the last three nights have been, exhausting, to say the least, and to say the most would be endless screaming but I try to be more articulate than that. Okay, at least to you because I’m still working on the people thing, more to the point I’m still working on that myself thing but really what has this month been like, you don’t want to know but we’re here…

If we start with “the incident” that sent me running back to you, I haven’t heard a thing from “Ms. Seasons” but I’m keeping my ear to the ground, along with my eyes but we’ll get to that. I wish I could figure out am I ignoring her out of disgust, anger, or indifference, the fact that I’m keeping up with her you would think speaks volumes but bless the sound of silence. My resolve seems to be as strong as ever though, but I’m getting to that, I guess it means something too that I don’t have more to say about her at all.

As long as we’re going through a list of the people I’m not speaking with, how about everyone at work, I still hold faith in my conspiracy theory but if anything the typical overnights. Yesterday and today were probably the best I felt minus the exhaustion, hasn’t everyone wondered at some point what it would be like to be all alone in a store? The only thing that would have been better is if my stupid iPhone was acting right but several ideas for playlists if I buckle down honestly.

How is it when you don’t have something you want it, even more, only human right but suddenly I was in the mood to listen to my Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 playlist and Kenny Rogers meets Wyclef. Trust me you don’t want to be left alone with the thoughts in your own head, especially if you’re me right?

I’ve still been avoiding my neighbor when it comes to their dog; I’m not a Flash type of superhero, and while I talk about writings, wit, and wisdom, I’d rather just punch someone in the face. Makes me sound abusive especially when it comes to Braxton, but, A/C, a full food and water bowl, and plenty of comfy spots seems better than a bed of rocks and outside for hours.

Lady Lu I really do want to be the hero in this situation but I have been going back and forth on being the neighbor that wants to help and the neighbor who adopts. Maybe you can blame Braxton for that but if you think I have trouble talking to people… other than Braxton it seems my anxiety transcends species. If anything it points out how much I love animals because I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby either, I don’t even know my nephew, there’s no rush.

Braxton and I *sigh*, a part of me wants to say the circle of life is complete, I hate my father and now Braxton hates me, I wonder if my father is as clueless as I am as to why the anger and animosity between us always. Really Luna the only words that have left my mouth besides “I love you” which I always have and always will have been “No”, “Shut Up” and “that’s why you’re in trouble”, it’s been so many days already. This doesn’t count as an incident but more as a new development and if anything, I’m more concerned with the people I’ll have to talk to, just to know why.

Procrastination, fear, anxiety, pick a word, any word and I’ll just roll with it, that was my first idea to chat about today, the way people are always putting words in my mouth. Now here we are and I just wish I had some idea as to what to say or do; isn’t it strange from the moment you learn to talk you’re taught to shut up and listen only.

One day soon I’m going to have to remember all the reasons that I want to be a writer, just put them all down as a lesson. That’s another thing I was doing at work, thinking of ways to expand, I’m always expanding my reach but Moses was a king of the desert too, I mean post Egypt of course.

“What is an ocean but a multitude of drops?” – Adam Ewing, Cloud Atlas (2012)

There are too many prophets here Luna, as the song goes but each drop is unique, each serves a purpose or maybe that’s my OCD talking and personally, I don’t want to know my place or stay in it. Just informing you of upcoming, incidents, accidents, and mistakes, but for right now, other than being really late with this, I’m actually in a somewhat decent place. Nobody wants to hear that though except for maybe “Indiana Gone” if anything I’ll worry about what I’ll say tomorrow, I’ll be sad tomorrow.

Just because I’ve survived this month doesn’t mean I enjoyed it and isn’t that yet another problem with life, that it’s all some big accident; makes me think about holy folks, you know. To go with another song, every day is exactly the same and if anything, that means I will survive, okay damn my iPhone and the always running playlist within my mind. Maybe you’re hoping that I will see a miracle instead of the other shoe dropping. Only that’s truth, the other shoe has to drop, whether you’re lying on your back, taking the next step, or learning.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” – King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead 7×02

When it doesn’t that’s an incident, an accident, tripping, you fall and since I don’t think I’ll be flying anytime soon… the thing is I haven’t tripped or fallen, since landing flat on my face with Ms. Seasons. What I have learned today is that I want to adjust my path, which means taking my eyes off the ground, here’s to us Lady Lu and to 30 Days Without Incident.

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

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Am I bugging you yet… looks like I’m king of the ant hill for now and if it was only that, I’d still be freaking out or more like bugging out but it isn’t the end of the world. “Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em”, true enough though

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

Hey Lu,
Get ready for some mundane chatter until more gainful opportunities arise… I suppose today beat sitting on my ass all day am I right? Amongst those, watching paint dry, training at work, and killing bugs or trying to at least, not getting easier.

I’m starting to feel like Hank Hill in “King of the Ant Hill”, can I mention again that I don’t hate these things… necessarily but give it time, there’s no statute of limitations on my anger as you well know. When I came back to the house I swear I had my Dorian Newberry moment, I know I’m still looking for a male role model, considering the man I am. Anyway here I am having made up wars with real enemies but I can’t hold my own territory, sad really.

“I tell you, Worf, war is much more fun when you’re winning!” Sons and Daughters

Speaking of the valiant bug war, Braxton is still on the losing side, yeah I should just go ahead and either take the hit or the shame, nice that I used a Klingon quote because somebody always ends up bleeding, why I detest ants, I hate ticks and fleas, spawn of Hell no doubt. Sort of explains me too though I have been called a lot worse, that’s if I’m even called at all, and I do have something to say about that. Braxton and I have been at odds for a few days now and I have to deal with it sooner or later but a twist of anxiety.

It doesn’t matter though right, he’s my responsibility, hell he’s my son and he needs me but he’s as stubborn as his old man, please don’t ever let me become my father. Don’t ever let me become the person that “they” want me to be and besides these pests both bug and human, I’m fighting.

“I have only one rule. Everybody fights, no one quits. If you don’t do your job, I’ll kill you myself!” Jean Rasczak, Starship Troopers (1997)

It bugs me when people try to be inspirational Lady Lu, the store manager tried that today… it was more to the point of walking out with a smile on your face and implementing his strategies so I don’t get fired. When I write I can’t say inspiration has ever been in the cards… okay, truth be told I do want certain actions but I won’t get anyone to follow me which doesn’t look well on a dominant. I’ve already said I see people as pests, most people, bringing chaos to my ordered universe but I bet pests of all species see me the same.

Is that the reason I’m always on the run, sadly I noticed this when I was only a child, being a spider only looks good if you’re Spiderman or more to the point the girl on his arm. I’m not scared of bugs for the most part, now women… seriously I think I have enough to say I’m not but those were luck, from a spider to a mosquito, I don’t think I can call that an upgrade at all.

Am I starting to sound like one of those buggy kids because here’s another bug relation, gnats, that’s how it feels in my head sometimes, I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can only run and keep running and they just keep coming so what do I resort to my friend, what poisons do I have on me? What chance does a “man” have in this world, maybe you can see why I rather stay indoors, people walking around like they’re lions, tigers, and bears but their bugs, in truth what do I have to fear, being an open wound?

Isn’t that another reason I have you, Luna, I bleed it all out here and then I can close myself off, I can protect myself but that’s just it, I’m still not doing that fully.

Why not just let my dog bite my hand so I can stop the tick that’s biting him, there seems to be no respite in this mad season; did it again didn’t I, always remembering the incident. Yesterday it looks like somebody didn’t forget about me, I heard from “okay”, I’m being invaded on all fronts Luna, without and within.

Still fighting the war outside and losing but do I miss those days when there nowhere else to go, one day I might just take off. Easier said than done, I haven’t been reading much or sleeping much, and before I can take “Indiana” (yeah I’m going Zombieland with her name) to the movies I have to deal with Braxton. Hiding in fantasy isn’t what I need right now is it but I’ve been lost in my new obsession “Saints Row” for days on end.

Some of my viewing habits are like going to the zoo while others are becoming annoying and yet I let them bite me over and over, nobody goes to Hooters for wings, no one goes to a strip club for the DJ, and who goes to the zoo to watch the flies? At the end of the day, we need the bees don’t we, and I’m sure other bugs have their purpose, other pests have their purpose but not Ticks, you know how I feel there. The good news is I’m only bugging you with my problems as of late, though I let things slip to Indiana and Okay from time to time I guess.

So what have we learned today other than I got the bug, call it whatever you like, anxiety, writer’s block, fever? If only a doctor could cure what ails me as easily as the vet could fix Braxton if it comes to that and soon.

 

Dreaming Awake

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I usually don’t have nightmares when I’m sleeping but since I have been working it seems the days and the nights are beginning to blur and being awake is a nightmare. Dreaming Awake… I think I rather not dream at all anymore and yet I continue

Dreaming awake, sweet dreams really…
Can you hear, oh the time
It’s just like kneeling
How God denies
The very existence of my life
Doesn’t he make mistakes?
I know your lie
Dreaming awake

All that I’ve been feeling
You’re just as blind
Watching is like killing
Behind those closed blinds
Think you’re so divine
Like him a fake
As I try to drive
Dreaming awake

Screaming yet somehow I’m dealing
But me you’ll never find
Closed doors and jeering
Yeah I want to hide
Or just to cry
Everything I have take
Let me sign
Dreaming awake

Yet I fight
Won’t begin to pray
Just let me die
Dreaming Awake

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Working Stiff

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Working myself to the bone… more like working while I’m shaking in my bones; I don’t just hate going to work but I’m afraid to. Working Stiff… I couldn’t be one of those zombies even if I wanted to be but that doesn’t stop me from dying inside.

Working Stiff
Think
What a jiff

All I have to give
Stinks
Take a good whiff

That’s me trying to live
And yet I blink
My dreams are nixed

This is not it
Kool-Aid to drink
Then I’d be fixed

But I drift
The missing link
I just don’t fit

Read my lips
Better yet my ink
Working Stiff
What a jiff

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

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That’s what she said, no that’s what I said, and truth be told it hasn’t been doing anyone any favors, did I learn nothing from the sound of silence. That’s What She Said or not because I’m too much of a wuss to get her side.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

Hey Lu,
I think this is part of the reason we get along so well because you don’t say anything and I know that sounds really bad but in my own personal experience, women talking to me *sigh*. For the record, though I find the joke “that’s what she said” to be pretty damn off putting, one of the reasons I hate going to work.

In “Living Single” Max told Kyle that he didn’t want a girlfriend but a therapist that’s good in bed, I think the whole concept of “GFE” cancels that out but really what do men want when talking to women. I got a friend and half the time we just mirror things back to one another you know how they say “great minds think alike” so you know back in my Saturday morning cartoons they would say “great minds think for themselves” but that is another story. I talk to you and don’t have to worry about you giving me bad advice, chances are I wouldn’t take it anyway, the things that none of us wants to hear am I right.

Which brings me back to work, they treat that joke “that’s what she said” as the end all be all joke, I swear I just want to go all Wesley from Wanted and don’t get me wrong, men can be just as stupid seeing as how it’s a male coworker that always says this. You know I think often about having the answers to life’s questions, but praise the sounds of silence you know. Maybe that’s why the kiss was invented some women and men have some semblance of a chance at keeping the human race going, without screwing up.

“if she’s in the mood to f**k you, shut up and let it happen.” – Chris Rock, Bigger & Blacker

Sometimes I talk too much and I definitely type too much nowadays which is why I got into trouble in the first place… On the other side of the line, women are always talking about being so clear and at the same time men are expected to read between the lines, how do we survive?

Correct me if I’m wrong Lady Lu but I think yesterday was the first talk we had where I didn’t mention “the incident” to be fair I haven’t even gone back to reread what she said again. Now I want to scream that’s a problem but that it’s also the solution but how did they do it back in the old days, you know when not a word need be spoken?

I often talk about having an ulterior motive and then she was so clear but what if I had been someone else, anyone else, would the words have really mattered? Isn’t that just it, when I gave the flowery words to guys for their women, they couldn’t get enough but then I could never do that for myself could I. Skeevy words and yet people will drink, do drugs, and the like and lie to themselves about what makes them do the things they do and sadly I’m no better, a liar, I’m telling you that’s what she said.

Some other girl probably and even today, some women I just ignore, some words are filler and why do I want to hide from the truth but like “The X-Files” the truth is out there. I use to say I don’t want to be a liar, but society deems that we all must, this is the world we live in and eventually, we might evolve past this but I have never gotten that far. In all the erotica I have ever read, the relationships are built on lies and even in the fairy tales that end with happily ever after or in erotica’s case either in bed or with the end of The Graduate, that what did we do look.

I was a nice guy when I never talked to her but the moment she becomes let’s say unrepressed and I say what I said, suddenly I’m skeevy. The moment I saw her as a woman and not just someone, Luna I ask you why does any man want a woman and yes I know this already sounds bad but let’s go with our biology.

“I have four words for you: Listen to the Woman.” White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Like you Luna, considering you are a figment of my imagination and personally I rather sleep but the reason that you’re here is that while I can’t hear you, I know you want to be here. It’s primal nature and I’m afraid I spoiled some of that today but listening to women and really hearing them is two different things.

I’m not trying to psychoanalyze anyone but it really says something about a woman who is suddenly uncommitted and gets tattoos, her nipples pierced, goes to nude beaches, and everything else, this being the thirteenth lesson, I’m not scared of feminist finding me. What about a woman who asks your opinions on clothes, wear’s stuff that you like, takes up your fandoms and buys you props for them? How about another woman who starts out on your couch, activity flirts with you about a certain lifestyle, and ends up in your bed but stops you right at the cusp hmm?

Even Disney Lu, remember Ariel who gave up her voice for legs, a woman that gives up talking for something physical and then a man that talks too much. How about Merida from Brave when she saw the last man who she thought was a suitor, she responded not as some independent princess but like any other woman. In the end, it doesn’t come down to he said she said, but simply the physical though some men are more equal than others and some women while condemning men in every shape and form only condemn our species, why do you think “Realdoll” even exist today.
“We married wonder women. Supergirls. Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us?

Smart, worthy, lucky.

We’re the wuss. The wind beneath your wings. Your support system. We’re the girl. And we don’t like it.” The Stepford Wives (2004)

So I ask what did she say and what did I say and in the end does it really matter, what matters is somebody you can enjoy the silence with, somebody that you don’t need the words with and if you choose to have them let them be true or at least better, what about somebody that doesn’t kill you in your sleep. If anything I just want “I love you” not to be a joke no I want to look at the world and say That’s What She Said.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

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If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi