Tag: Writer

Episode 050 ~Winners Do Whatever They Want~

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Today was not a winning day, how I have dreamed a dream for hours on end but I’m only now getting to writing and not on my book mind you though I did accomplish one goal today. Winners Do Whatever They Want, but I’m not there yet.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Episode 050 ~Winners Do Whatever They Want~

Forty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason I didn’t go to prom, besides not having a date, almost scared to death, or not believing in anything. Talk about faith, “that’s a pretty bad way to start a conversation” as Kanye West would say. What about people who aren’t winning anymore and the things I do win? I’ve never seen that movie “Eighth Grade” (thank you Regal Cinemas), but I know all about winning the QUIETEST Award. No thanks.

“Okay,” asked me about fearing success, or does my discovery scare me. I suppose it depends on how I see being a winner, and that to me equals, having the money, the power, and then the women. Typical black man Scarface logic. I was thinking about my Pinterest boards again, particularly Future Freaky Females. Yeah if I were anybody else, I would hate me. Such are fantasies, and the girls I never had. What of dreams, there was the one last night; my dream girls are always changing. When has the end of the world ever been winning? Why I still write all about it.

Anyway, I was with this girl, and we were hiding from something, and for the life of me, I can’t identify her. Other than the fact she had slight curves, a brunette or dark redhead, and she wore a short black dress. For what I know it could be Megan Fox (okay black hair) but black lingerie, this girl I used to know. Sandra Luberc, Chelsea From Casting Couch HD or this Milf that’s had me edging today. It’s like that song “When Somebody Loves You Back” that’s winning. Didn’t I say yesterday that love isn’t a prize and I don’t love those I named? Actresses, friends and enemies and I could go add on.

“To never die… And to conquer all. That is winning.”

Now my search for power leads me to this conclusion from Illyria. If there is any group that understands this, it is writers. Immortality and the few that continue to make us look like rank amateurs. If it’s love, I have my son but how much does he understand me? I would never hurt him… well, his feelings but how about my species my Justice?

I win, and somebody else has to lose, and it’s like the phrase “Just Kidding” if we’re both not laughing then it’s not funny. I read somewhere it’s not lonely at the top if you pull someone up with you. One day if I win I’ll have more time because Winners Do Whatever They Want.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 043 ~Losers Always Try Their Best~

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Last week I asked, can I do better, and this week as the song goes, you’re the best around, or maybe I would be if I ever got out of bed and started walking the Earth, but in doing what I consider my best… Losers Always Try Their Best.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Episode 043 ~Losers Always Try Their Best~

Forty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason I’m up so early, and it’s because I’m tired of being a loser, yeah that makes perfect sense, or it sucks to tear myself apart, much like this rule, but now I’m not doing my best, I’m doing me. Screwing myself over so one day; well that’s honestly Dirty Diana’s department right but anyway what exactly is my best because whatever it was, well I wanted more and so here I am becoming so damn demanding.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” ― The Rock (1996)

So you might be able to tell what the forty-sixth rule will be but for now, let’s start with something even more apparent, here I am “home,’ and I don’t see the prom queen anywhere, and for the record the Prom Queen web series (2007) is fantastic. I don’t want to try my best, if I can indeed attest that I ever did, I want to win, no more, no less, as with some of my motivational studies, win at all costs, if I’m going to sleep it might as well be in some king size bed with a pretty girl. I’m grateful for what I have and for the cuddly pup who continues to rest, but I can win for the both of us.

Unconditional love right but I have to find someone. First, I have to Git Up, Git Out, and yesterday was a decent start, though I was late, everything that I made a priority I got done… well not counting PCH but the way to Easy Street means traversing a hard road. Doing is trickier than trying, that would be a new rule if I weren’t sure I have already ripped-off Star Wars at some point, speaking of trying your best with the latest movies, though people are doing that. You know I’ve learned to hate the word “try” because what has it ever gotten me, I tried to get the job and I did, I try to sleep, and I do, it gets me survival but to DO means living.

I’m not the best at anything while I am trying, I’m losing but every day can be a step closer to victory if I do the work, and you know that I don’t mean the day job, and while I’m not the best writer I WILL work harder than whoever that is. Honestly, those speeches must be getting to me because though I am the Cosmic Castaway, for now, it is somehow more than accepting Losers Always Try Their Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 036 ~ Remember This Is Your Creation~

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Can I do better, considering I have three different worlds to live with, my writing, dealing with people, and wanting a blessed life for my dog, I’m busy but what will I create today? Remember This Is Your Creation.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Episode 036 ~ Remember This Is Your Creation~

Forty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason and shall introduce you to my insanity, all of my writing, the little dog sleeping on my leg, my life, I wish I knew when somebody gave me the pencil and said get to work. Oh yeah, when I was a little kid and still I can’t help feeling like a child because every single time I say something I’m wrong, I wonder what my son honestly thinks about me, how much do I own outright and if that ain’t the American way my Madam Justice?

I’ve said this before that I don’t like using the word home because this isn’t my place and again I’m supposed to be grown, and yes home is where yadda, yadda, yadda but then what about my novel? Yeah, my characters are from all walks of life including myself, I’m always attempting to create another version of myself, and I can’t say I’m the best guy but what Alexa Bliss, Angie Griffin, Amber Hahn, Detroit: Become Human, to name a few. The new world comes into being upon the ashes of the old one, either if I’m burning my eye sockets from the screen, the ever-present glow, or wrapped up nice and toasty warm in my bed someday I think.

Speaking of ashes what about the mess, that’s what I’m good at, and the house isn’t looking too well with my exhaustion, but that’s what happens when you begin attempting to build something great. What about the fact that I want more kids, right now it’s my little boy and me. Creating, though I love my dog like pancakes only what about my life, again with the motivation, wanting to eat healthier, get my mind clearer. Feel Like Makin’ Love but It Takes Two that Madam Justice is creation, even God gave Adam his Eve okay maybe not a good example but do you blame the hand or the tools and no we are not getting into a discussion about the broke NRA, good news.

Creation, Madam Justice is a holy mission thus power, and how you know I want power above everything else, okay maybe not sleep but the dreams I create, not today though, no I experienced a terrible nightmare, but I did figure out what to tell Dear Future Wife and Dirty Diana. That is if I can hold onto to the blog you know the day is coming and strangely enough, rather than get my PS4 I want to save it, my brain, my ideas, soul… Remember This Is Your Creation.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 033 ~End Justifies The Will~

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Don’t do it, even when you see The End on the horizon; when you wake up at four in the morning and can’t touch the keys till 4:50, when I am a writer makes you feel for once in your life that you are somebody, don’t do it. End Justifies The Will

Friday, August 3, 2018

Episode 033 ~End Justifies The Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to feel bad, I know sometimes I can’t even stand myself, I can’t put it in a text, make excuses, god help me if I try to write it honestly somewhat, and only Spider-Man can get away with “I don’t feel so good.” When did the word “bad” become one of the hardest to put down in the English language, it’s damn near forbidden to feel it, so no wonder writing it takes a great amount of strength of “Will” as it were.

Being a writer, two words that have lost all meaning are “The End” when they should be two of the most rewarding, but everything is usually “To Be Continued” as the world continues to expand, evolve, and emote. Alliteration is another big word that I tend to do plenty and is usually frowned upon but it’s not the worst thing is it, like I always say, everything I want is impossible, immoral, illegal or insane. Would that include “Editing” which is like the aftermath of marrying the princess, you know they talk about happily ever after but I’m not that type of writer or a writer at all… Charles Bukowski.

I wrote a rule a few days ago “The Truest Sentence, An Excuse” because those come bursting out of me, I spent twenty minutes, maybe more, just trying to come up with the proper chapter title and then I asked myself do I still have the will to do this? There is the line in Tupac’s Ghetto Gospel where he says he goes blind and lets the lord do his thing and I’m still not religious mind you, but I wish I could blame somebody else, anyone else. If anything that is the point I want to make today, that I could blame somebody else for not wanting to write or for doing it but despite everything, there’s only me, and I feel bad because I’m not good enough truthfully.

“If I upset you don’t stress, never forget
That God isn’t finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes, I go blind and let the Lord do his thang” Ghetto Gospel, (Tupac, Elton)

I’m the one that woke up late and still spent two hours wanting to talk to you, the one that feels horrible about not posting a book review and yet excited to write a movie review and still too lazy to do it. With everything and according to Rule 158 “I’m Will, There’s A Way maybe that’s why imagining an end is so hard, a starving artist must stay as such which explains my not going to the store and only wanting to write more because and no disrespect to women ha but writing means bleeding, End Justifies The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

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I suppose if my mouth is full of dirt I don’t have to make a more drastic decision but kings both require swords and shovels if no shields are available and don’t they say the pen is mightier but I’m digging my grave. “A Sword Or Shovel, Decide”

Monday, July 30, 2018

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

Forty-Third Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to, when they both do the same job, putting people in the ground; the metal is more or less the same and usually, those that wield them don’t have to care one way or the other Madam Justice. Indeed, sometimes those hands would be better off doing nothing, but in the end, we all have a choice to make and the fact that I’m still on my motivation kick what guides this decision, is it hope or fear, want or need, will this make me a better man or much worse.

“Those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.” Eowyn

My “Father” is angry, he has been for as long as I can remember and he brags that I’m just like him, strangely enough, nobody knows I exist, probably because I was among his first victims. How many times am I reminded of Yoda’s words on fear and anger, my father uses rage to mask his fear, and I am much the same, and that fact alone is enough to tell me that I am on the wrong path. At the same time however it is always better to be the predator than the prey, I would choose my rage over fear, and here I am with a pen/keyboard so why would I even need a sword when my words are my Weapon of Choice.

“Chains have been forged into swords before now” Rameses, Yul Brynner The Ten Commandments 1956

Speaking of repeating myself, I have told you I will hurt myself before somebody else and I feel like the world is on my shoulders, and sometimes all you can do is stand, but I’m still falling into the muck and mire. I would like to believe in Karma meaning I’m only getting what I think I deserve or maybe that my enemies will do themselves in and all that I need to do is get digging *sigh* even in death I’m being drained of my precious Energy. How about this, if anything you know how I like getting dirty, sex and violence and while violence is far more acceptable This Is America after all I prefer sex, but people don’t dig that you know.

Today while unfortunate, I chose the sword because I don’t dig being laughed at, spit on, or cut down and at the same time I could always bury my head in the sand, make my name mud, and go all “Red Dawn” Wolverines. It’s unavoidable Madam Justice because you know what they say about idle hands; another reason I choose to write, the choice remains, A Sword Or Shovel, Decide.

“This is war. So rub some dirt on it and get your ass back in the fight.” Red Dawn 2012

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

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Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

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I Made It, added more fuel to the fire, one more book down and even an additional chapter and the feeling I have now… it doesn’t compare to the humiliation I’ll endure tomorrow. Honestly, I would rather have people read my novel. “No End Of Kindling”

Friday, July 20, 2018

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to take a break, two words “The End,” that I was looking forward to today and I’ll get there or even worse “To Be Continued” either way it goes, it’s going to take more than 925 words, but as the song says there ain’t no rest for the wicked. I haven’t even gotten close to selecting a new book to read because mine is turning out to be so… that’s the thing I want to say no words, but there are too many.

Not now, nor have I ever been one for the burning of books, well except for mine, again it goes into my whole, hurting myself before I hurt others mentality, you too Lady Sophia, the reason I’m talking to you so early. It’s not procrastination; it’s the fact that the last words of my book should happen when I’m up and about, not lying in bed, people deserve me at my best… did you hear me right? Something that shall never see the light of day which is why I spend eight to ten hours locked up in the library, talk about something I love and then the only thing I want to do with my novel is set it alight to keep myself warm, beats the day job always.

Tomorrow I expect I’ll be writing about my humiliations rather than writing something that is humiliating, one more reason I have to bury myself in fiction because the truth hurts plenty and nobody wants to know about that. One more novel that took me a year to write and here we are Lady Sophia, about three weeks into this year and like any one of my fictional books is this looking any better, but for now, there are plenty of words left with no sign of The End. A good story brings its writer back to life or more to the point, makes a writer immortal and with the love of readers warms for many a black night, I believe.

When it comes to my work though; I know I shouldn’t be so negative, if it gives me money to burn, and that will be over all too soon but my novel or novels, how did I not know I was writing a series, and the ideas keep on coming to be honest. So when people are lighting those torches, looking for things to throw onto my pyre, at the end of the day, not that of the story, they’ll be No End of Kindling.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

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When you want (BLANK) as badly as you want to breathe, it’s then you’ll have, I can put any word or series of words, success, food, going back to the house, but writing is my life, only more so, and writers have weird dreams. What’s On The Menu?

Friday, July 13, 2018

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to keep writing when people are hungry; I did all my shopping yesterday and you know I’ve been tightening my belt, and with the dog… well, you know how he feels about me not eating as usual? Not eating, not sleeping though there was a Hell of a dream last night with the few hours that I did get and I like ribs as much as the next guy but they weren’t two hundred dollars’ worth of good, and there I go, hungry.

Hungry for success, this entire week has been about writing, now you know how I am about my novel writing but the fact is to get it done, whatever it takes, don’t give up, don’t ever give up, focus, discipline, all buzzwords but I’ve been at the library from open to nearly close. You know I wrote about two pages I believe on turkeys taking over the world, and I’m not even that much a fan of turkeys, I mean Thanksgiving is alright, but I’m much more of a ham man honestly. So I wish I could tell you I wanted to figure out what my barbecue dream meant but I’m grinding, I’m hustling with five thousand words a day, every day I’m here, no wonder I’m dreaming about food now, but I’m still lacking.

Maybe I’m dreaming about a day that I won’t have a budget, I felt pretty sad about losing the money in my dream but someday I want to be like freaking “Brewster’s Millions” because you know how much I like spending it; haven’t gotten my PS4 or Detroit Become Human yet. It could be something like “Okay” teaching me that BBQ recipe and I didn’t kill us both with it, strangely enough, I have more faith in my cooking than I have in my writing, at least it’s proven fit for human consumption. How about the fact that I usually see ribs and such on the grill and the whole plot of my book as of late is all about fire, should I mention the fact that I don’t know how to grill, never have.

Other than shopping the other day I burned some money when I didn’t want to go into work next week on and off day, and I even screwed up getting out of doing the “Clean” thing at work. Can I not just be proud of the fact that I have gotten so far in my novel although I know I want to burn it, only I would probably screw up writing menus too, but for tonight What’s On The Menu?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 005 ~Leave It To Printer~

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Every day the writing gets worse, either on my screen, on my face, on my sleeve, wherever as they say to write all you need to do is bleed and considering the pain these past few days. “Leave It To The Printer”

Friday, July 6, 2018

Episode 005 ~Leave It To Printer~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to write it, one reason not to; aren’t I always asking for reasons to be a writer, in middle school other than that story about turkeys I had my head buried in a book, nowadays it’s earphones. I also say I can never speak my mind; I’m always laughing, smiling, making some random noise because everybody has a story and I don’t want to read it or maybe I’m illiterate when it comes to people even in writing.

Of course, the killers in my latest novels are reflections of myself but why is it that everyone in my life can either, see my humiliation and my fear, and they speak it so the whole damn world can hear. Two, they think they have the right to write out my story, my destiny in their fairytales like The Adjustment Bureau and since there is no chairperson to be had? Three they don’t want the story to end, no more like I’m a joke but once you have the punchline there is no more fun, and that leaves me here broken, and if anything, I should be working on my story and not contemplating contacting HR again, for hurt feelings.

Excuse me Lady Sophia for repeating past mistakes; I do take responsibility I do put myself out there and let my critics eat me alive in case you were wondering why I’m so into the undead, in horror; killers for the most part work alone, but I face an army. I already said before I write these stories about how I think people should be then I live and I’m wrong on all counts and so what I write becomes well… “STUPID” and even now I can’t tell you the whole story. No, I leave that to my fiction, and nobody sees that either, but I was listening to motivational speakers all morning, and I don’t fear failure, I dread returning to my day job every day and being everything they want me to be.

If anything shouldn’t that be enough to give the printer whatever remains of me, hell shouldn’t I buy a new printer anyway, as always I need to take my writing more seriously instead of worrying about the blog amongst other things. Paper makes plenty of noise Lady Sophia, and with plenty of green, I still don’t know how to look at people or what will be their next fairytale, but all I am, my next novel Leave It To Printer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 363 ~I Hate This Part~

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A few hours to kill, not to mention some characters, a blank screen, okay so write, only I wish that it would work that way and even then I wouldn’t be able to edit to save my life I bet. I Hate This Part.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Lesson 363 ~I Hate This Part~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Can You Love Me Again, that’s only one of the parts I hate, the waiting, craving, and even with all that not saying things right or wasting more time for mediocre work which I would never know because of editing… I saw last night that I am ill prepared for another stint of NaNoWriMo and then again I’m going to give it a real “can do”; isn’t that another thing hating a word like try, “interesting,” and stupid, still irked by that.

“Yes, no, maybe
I don’t know
Can you repeat the question?”
― Boss Of Me

What about “miracle” that’s a word that isn’t going to happen for me, no I take that back, if anything people have only been spelling the word wrong, you want a miracle, no Lady Sophia you want to work. Regret is another nasty word because that’s something else I’ve been feeling, I’ve had a whole year, and what do I have to show for it, a blog, two books maybe three if you count the poetry hell perhaps even four if you count every blog post. So which is harder, waiting for PCH and yes I’m ashamed to admit I checked them out today, they aren’t coming here, what about waiting for inspiration which I’ve been thinking about, or I could be looking up how you know you’ve got bit by something, me, the dog?

How many words is that (Stupid, Try, Miracle, Work, Regret, Shame, Waiting) seven deadly sins but there is also the capacity for good as in Work, and that’s what I should be doing, what I need to do versus what I want? I don’t think it’s God that gives us the strength if I need more imaginary friends there are so many characters dying for me to let them come out and play. Maybe that’s one of the most hateful parts Lady Sophia, that you have to live to feel all of this and if you’re living, I think you have a responsibility, god how I hate people sometimes but if you’re going to take up air and space, you need to do something right.

Procrastination is the part I hate the most though, living like this, feeling like this and yes I am blessed, I am grateful, but that doesn’t make the pain go away, even being at the finish line because now what is the question. Writing has always been the answer, but I long for the day my hands find enjoyment in other things but for now one day I love this, another I hate it, and now I Hate This Part.

I Will Have No Fear