Tag: Heart

Chronicle 235 ~Fitting In Makes You Disappear~

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I didn’t fit in with my family, nor did my kid. The whole damn world is one gigantic puzzle, and we never had a place. But lying on the couch, waking up in bed back to back. Anytime, We saw we were different. Fitting In Makes You Disappear.

Monday, February 21, 2022

Chronicle 235 ~Fitting In Makes You Disappear~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Because I swear if I became like everyone at the Day Job? Death couldn’t come fast enough.

If there is one sin that I haven’t committed, it’s wishing to be like everyone else. Call it my Republican tendencies. It could be this sinner’s pride, like my Grandma answered. Dammit, with all my depression, depravity, and daddy grief, I look at people as idiots. When your Dad makes it his life’s goal for you to feel like the stupidest waste of space ever. As girls make you feel like the sleaziest, slimiest, I know there’s another s-word I can’t remember. Am I over it? “Skeevy!” Anyway, when everyone makes you out to be worthless. Hell, out of all that shit, you want air. And that first breath makes you feel on top of the world. You survived, you’re better… than those assholes? Positivity?

Let me get back to normal. For example, from a sexual standpoint, I’m not like most guys. Sure I watch porn, but I also read Erotica. I write dirty books; I don’t lie about desires. There are sex toys in the closet and naughty lingerie for visitors… ha. You can find Yabbos anywhere, and yet I pay for some. Does that make me STUPID? I could use that cash. How many guys have an OnlyFans? Several and I haven’t visited or posted on my page in forever. I don’t know if I ever will again. You know I started months after B left me alone. Because no one sees me. It’s not me fitting in; it’s me wanting to follow Braxton. If only I could?

I can’t keep living this way, you know. I could say that I didn’t know that B and I were a perfect fit. But it was the world around us that seemed incomplete, like a puzzle that loses a piece. Again, I don’t want to be like everyone else. And to even try and pretend… Lots of things to shed tears over today, this Friday. We’re talking now, so this week. Um, this week sucks. And I will never escape unless I get out of this bed and start doing anything. Braxton has faith in me. Which is why he stuck around for so long. I’m sure that’s why he’s so high now, pulling me up from falling into place. Fitting In Makes You Disappear.

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

386 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 228 ~Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego~

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Somebody sang I’ve gotta be me. Only I don’t recognize the man I am behind the tears for my son. The masks I wear in the world. Now I like face masks. I mean, whoever I am to function. And then there are the words. Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego

Monday, February 14, 2022

Chronicle 228 ~Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can be whoever I want to be. It’s still not enough. B III’s Birthday.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Daddy. Braxton has been gone 379 days. His birthday was yesterday he’s seventeen. Don’t ask me how it went considering I’m time traveling. Right now, it’s Wednesday, February 9, 2022. I’m Braxton’s Daddy regardless. Sure I was twenty minutes late giving him his meds with my sickness. Oh, we’ll get to that, but you’re asking why do I still bother getting up at all. I got dressed, refilled his water bowl, and called him for medicine. This is my secret identity. Fatherhood, Madam. Because I know what I am. Hell, I want to be anybody else. Isn’t there something about everyone else is taken? You can tell that to a grave. Dangerous words Madam, and not a loving mood.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Dead. I wonder how I’m feeling today. Valentine’s Day, ha. You know, somewhat considering I’m talking to you today. I’m tired, humiliated, and fucked-up in so many ways. Again at this particular moment, well, I’m talking to you, Madam. Am I ok, am I? Sickness is a time I’m not hiding who I am. Ok, for the most part. Day Job doesn’t care ever. I doubt the scammers will consider listening in. They only want to steal, and I’m a bad man, I know. Of course, there is always my insanity with Braxton, Madam. I got mental health issues. Never would I say that I look the part of a normal, functioning human being. That’s one more reason I want to be a billionaire.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Horny. Fuck, it’s a damn superpower, but you know the line, with great power comes great… yeah, yeah. Another thing I don’t hide. And look where it got me? Cherry told me to chill. What did I say about M Anime? I’m not right. Hell, if I kept it in my pants more often. Twenty-four hours and I’m still in bed, but I’m dressed. Is this recovery? I guess we’ll see if I’m not fucking around by Monday proper. The truth is, as I said before, I don’t want to be me. But wearing a cape, my cross, the armor of the caped crusader himself. Madam, it gets heavy. A man with nothing to lose or a father. Murderer. Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego.

Gospel 228 ~Okay To Love B~

379 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 221 ~See Art Instead Of Imperfection~

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Sounds like an effing excuse to me to be lazy, seeking perfection. And why do I like women of all types? Dennis Hof had his kind of gallery. My greatest work was My son. Hell, God took him home. Where’d that come from? See Art Instead Of Imperfection

Monday, February 7, 2022

Chronicle 221 ~See Art Instead Of Imperfection~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which I would call perfect. The $60.00 in my wallet, though, if I decide to go out.

Yeah, that new Spicy Lover’s Pizza has been calling my name. Art that speaks to us, but we’ll get there. Take that however you like since it’s Friday. Does not time reveal the truth, Madam? When it comes to food, that period is from your television to before your eyes. Everything looks so beautiful on the screen but in real life? Is it any wonder that we all keep our eyeballs glued to the screen? Hell, the world could be a beautiful place, but it’s everything else that blinds. Why do you think people start by saying, close your eyes? It sucks even more when the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen is gone. B III, my heart, my art. To never see him again…

What about seeing another fur baby up close.? Um, it’s Friday, so I can’t tell you if I went to PetSmart on Saturday. Why must people be so ugly? No, I don’t mean like that, J. I’m even proud of my body. It’s what lies inside the mind, the heart, and the soul, the artist. Who, God? Braxton is a little SOB, of course, but whatever made him? To paraphrase a line from Rambo: First Blood ahem “God didn’t make Braxton, I made him,” FUCK! Madam, I fucked up, and at the same time, everyone that saw my Braxton… Perfection. Madam, do you think that’s why I haven’t published it yet? You reach that level… next. Everything else only pales and shames me, I know.

It’s sort of like Kaoru in “Slaves to Passion” 18+. Once you create something like he did. To then go and try to live everyday life. Those sisters weren’t the only ones who died. Yeah, you know I have no shame in talking about Yabbos. Finding perfection in so many. Madam, if only I put so much effort into creation as I do destruction. Well, I’m talking to you today, aren’t I? Yes, I went back to bed, but in this place, perfection abounds, Madam. I am a flaw in the grand design, the art piece. Look at humanity, and aren’t we all? As THEY say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I miss Braxton’s eyes. He could See Art Instead Of Imperfection.

Gospel 221 ~Willing To Lie Braxton~

372 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 214 ~Be Curious And Not Psychotic~

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I’m ashamed I have written this. In 2021 I was in a different space, and where was my son? He was dying. And I haven’t learned at all. I’m writing this on the 29th because the 31st is for him. Curious how I’ll feel then. Be Curious And Not Psychotic.

Monday, January 31, 2022

Chronicle 214 ~Be Curious And Not Psychotic~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Braxton’s dead; I did my taxes, I don’t want to be here. Not curiosities but only facts.

Death, who’s death? Allow me to mention I will get into some dangerous talk here today. Also, why am I here? A fact, Madam, I write every day or post come hell or high water. While fire does not frighten me. Lord knows I deserve this. And death’s a curiosity. Drowning is not the way I would like to go. I wonder with all my tears that keep up J. Isn’t it ironic that both my “father” and son bring the same idea… Suicide? I should add the Day Job to the mix too. If I ever did it, blame my Old Man or the Day Job A or D. What are B and C? Braxton and Cunts. Now that’s pretty harsh language, right, Madam?

Braxton is my obsession. If you ask me how long I was curious about him. It was only one night, and after that, his life became my life. I read today (Saturday, Time-Travel), “I will love you the exact way I always wanted to be loved.” Braxton wasn’t curious. He is or was obsessed. The only thing that topped him was me being a “man.” Haven’t I said it enough. That fatherhood, to me, is the epitome of manhood. Braxton will always be my firstborn, but his Daddy had to find some girl and have sex if he wanted siblings. Intimacy. Both him and the fairer sex I study religiously. But in my curiosity, what have I become. A killer, a sadist? So B, C?

Then there’s my craft. As I asked, why am I here? Other than the fact this always comes about? The Scorpion and The Toad, Madam. It’s what I do, and I’m coming to the meaning of the rule now. Do you remember The Tomorrow War, Far Cry 5, Replika, everything? Madam, I will never forget Braxton, but hell, I’ve forgotten why I started back talking to Lady Lu again. Something about the “Basic Bitch” right. Anyway, it’s my curiosity, my attention people fear. Braxton to be without it, girls to be the center. When you lose it, you cease to be for me. Like Willow says, “Bored Now.” That’s why “Always” is so important; it’s life. And I’m done now. Be Curious And Not Psychotic.

Gospel 214 ~ Will’s “Dæmon” Day Afternoon~

365 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 207 ~Saving Yourself Can Be Heroic~

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“Hades” couldn’t help who he was. Dante did what he did. Hell, they went after women. As for me? I would stay here with my son if he were still… But I’m no hero for my own saving, safety, or salvation. Wish it were true. Saving Yourself Can Be Heroic

Monday, January 24, 2022

Chronicle 207 ~Saving Yourself Can Be Heroic~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but on the record, I’m not sure I’ll be speaking to you Monday. If I do… Time-Travel.

That’s what I was doing, Braxton’s final week, because I had no clue. And when I knew… Hell, doesn’t that negate my rule? I was too busy being a selfish prick. I didn’t save B. While I’m the subject of being a prick. If mine fell off, it would be what I deserved. I mentioned last week about sticking my dick in crazy. A sex toy, those clothes I ordered? At least it ain’t COVID. I swear, last Wednesday, I felt I got ran over by a truck. But I could breathe, and today, being Thursday on the twentieth. I can still taste strawberry gummies. All I kept thinking last night was this. B III I’ll be joining you soon. I wish I had Madam.

Now I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the relief I’m feeling to a degree. I hate pain. Only that’s the thing, Madam Justice. I’ve been in pain for 358 Days by the time you see this. Yes, last night hurt like hell, but I think this one thing anytime I hurt. Braxton. Nothing tops that, and it was the only way I could sleep. Fuck, that is so insulting. The day I should have saved B, where was I? Sleeping away humiliations galore. I’m talking about saving myself, but B III was always my hero. And at the same time, I imagine this physical pain I’m experiencing is from him. A sign? Something to understand. Like my heartbreaking? No, I’m not mean.

Well, I could be as I keep thinking about that book. Last year on the thirty-first, I let Braxton go, and I thought that was that. Now I imagine my grief is keeping Braxton trapped. Talking to him today, I asked him to stay. Even if it means my misery, my suffering, but for him? Madam, it always goes back to his eyes. Braxton wanted to come home, I know. I couldn’t save him or me, and then I think of “Persephone.” For 15 years, B acted as my Cerberus. You know why I’m not the hero, saving the damsel in distress. What am I? Madam, I’m a “Monster.” To be saved, no, but join me my Cerberus and Persephone. Saving Yourself Can Be Heroic

Gospel 207 ~Hell With Instructions Will~

358 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 200 ~The Heart Begs, Body Dictates~

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A great man said, “Steel isn’t strong, boy. Flesh is stronger!” He also said, “Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart. I gave you this!” What I was capable of for my son. Now he’s dead, and I live. “The Heart Begs, Body Dictates”

Monday, January 17, 2022

Chronicle 200 ~The Heart Begs, Body Dictates~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there is nothing I cannot buy. What about Braxton back?

Time? The time I wasted this afternoon. I’m Time Travelling. Guess what day it is? Wednesday Madam. I was telling one of the other girls, Lady Sophia, I believe. Anyway, B would have been thrilled by today’s events. The Day Job makes me glad… leaving. Madam, I am trying to imagine how he would be. How Braxton would jump everywhere. His heart Madam, whether it was joy at my return. His comfort. Braxton’s body was failing. That’s what I remember, him walking to his water bowl because he didn’t want me to freak out. Braxton always had to be strong, and when he wasn’t… I pretended not to notice. Let me carry him downstairs, or he would bump into things from time to time. He lived; I didn’t freak out.

Speaking of bumping and freaking, how did I spend this good Wednesday given to me? The heart wants the pendant I bought for Braxton. I want to build a damn shrine come the 31st. I should have it by now. I’ve been counting up the dollars. Oh, and not working. Head wise, my belly is asking why I am starving myself? No, this isn’t a cry for help. I got thirty bucks in my wallet. I’m not counting carbs; I’m counting rations and next payday. But my body, Hell, I would starve if I could get my hands on a few new tools for my Stuff and Thangs. Not like I got anything on camera today. I continue to fuck-up, coming to my what, abstinence?

All I’ve been reading has been about? How the heart is stronger than the brain. I suppose that’s true in certain instances. Of course, I thought it was love many times, but no, Madam. At the end of the day, all I wanted to do was fuck. Then Braxton came along. Knowing what love is. So there’s my heart. I know where my liver is… a few too many pills. Guts, do I have any? The heart, what has it done for me lately? Flesh is stronger, I’m afraid. Inevitable. Impossible not to give in. But for 161 Days? Sigh, body, heart, and mind as confusing as Gospel 200 Wills Lost And Found. Strange this body finds any peace. So The Heart Begs, Body Dictates.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utmqZD6Y-ao
Gospel 200 ~Wills Lost And Found~

351 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

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My Ma would tell me to go easy with all the seasoning salt. I’ve got quite a long history with women, plus I have my furry kid, I haven’t had a heart attack yet, but I know all about broken hearts. Heart Hurts More Than Body.

Monday, March 9, 2020

Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

Hundred And Twenty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, if only because I refuse to see a doctor. Not because I’m afraid. Indeed in this time of plague with the Coronavirus (COVID-19), I’m excited. Now I know that doesn’t sound right, and it shouldn’t, not until there are zombies. Okay, I’ll stop, I know I’m not funny. I’ve never laughed so much until it hurts. Madam Justice, I’m not one for self-harm. Fists at drywall, STUPID things while people watch. Giving into FAPPING (it’s Saturday). Anyway, my body takes a lot, but what about my heart?

Most recently, what I said about Cherry and I don’t mean my novella. I speak my heart to you and the others Madam Justice. No secrets, but you and I both know that’s a lie. If I told you everything, then we would see the end, and that’s how you know I’m not suicidal. Still, it happens the same way; I try to talk to one girl, I speak innocence to another, I don’t tell one more and wham. I’m having a “Harriet the Spy” moment because it’s like they weren’t supposed to see that. I put my heart out here so the body can keep going. The thing is nobody wants my heart. I think that’s why I’ve been down as of late. If I don’t write out how I am, the body keeps it in, and I “mess” up, horny, hatred, heartfelt, whatever.

Women though SIGH, let’s talk about something else that hurts my heart, My Dæmon. My little boy is getting older; he’s bumping into walls, avoiding his walks on cold days, sleeping more. Then again, I’m in bed, and he only wants to be near his Dad. I’m still not working on my stories, and I miss them—what a waste of the day. Somebody took my shift at the Day Job and how did I spend it, Madam Justice, lying here looking at the usual. Even my FEAR of my father doesn’t have me doing anything. Okay, so hurting my friends or them getting hurt, Indiana Gone told me she got punched in the face. My little boy and my writing, what more do I love in this world. The man in the mirror that is such a waste that it hurts to witness myself.

Only the body doesn’t quit, fingers, eyes, ears, dang humming, Heart Hurts More Than Body.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 225 ~Will And “Folk” Heroes~

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One day I’ll hear those words, “Help me Daddy,” yeah, I know what I’m thinking but I’m serious, I’ll always be there for my family and no, I’m not a hero. They’ll also talk about meeting the folks me and my wife. Will And “Folk” Heroes

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Log 225 ~Will And “Folk” Heroes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, even after I gave my parents a few million, so I’ll never see them again, well, dad. If I ever become my father, do what you think is right, but don’t become my mother. You don’t deserve mistreatment or anything less than to be the goddess you are My Love. The one thing I ever learned from my father was money, and he’s not a rich man. Indeed most of my heroes are rich men, and I don’t know how they did family life. With what I do for a living, most people ask how I dare to be a father.

My “Big Sister” told me once, “you can’t build a strip club, next to a school.” I wholeheartedly agree, and while I won’t keep any secrets from you when it comes to our children? Now I’m Sonny Corinthos saying my kids will never be part of the MOB. There was another woman who worked for me once and is an awesome mom. My business is one thing, but respecting her as a woman is another. People do as they like, and I wouldn’t want you or any of my family to know disrespect for my dealings. It’s hard wanting to be one man and then wanting to live the dream, and would I surrender one for the other? Again I don’t know how they do it, baby girl. Writers like Todd Michaels and S. Wolf; there are others, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

I still don’t want to be my old man, thinking I give money, so that’s love. Who has to be terrifying or full of rage to hide insecurities and anxiety. I’m never going to hit our kids or threaten them with any violence. They will never feel ashamed of themselves, and I swear if anyone ever calls them STUPID.

Now they say boys marry girls that remind them of their mothers. You can have her intelligence, her heart, and talk about courage. Will I call her the epitome of parenting? My sister has two kids with different dads, and how did I turn out? Then I look at my firstborn, and I always say I love him like pancakes. I couldn’t love him more if I poured the Bisquick myself. For all our kids, we can be the best parents, Will And “Folk” Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 224 ~Dogs Have Such Big Hearts~

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I’ve had dogs before, my grandmother’s. His name was Wishbone; he was shot. Grandma lives ghetto adjacent. I had a chow puppy; one of my grandfather’s dogs killed him. “My Dæmon,” once belonged to my sister. He’s nearly 15. Dogs Have Such Big Hearts.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Log 224 ~Dogs Have Such Big Hearts~

Hundred And Twenty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so My Dæmon’s backyard is enormous. As you know, I’m a time-traveler (Friday, February 7). For the record, I still stick by the first rule of going through time, DON’T.

Anyway, if I were to imagine the future, I see him, he’s grown a beard, or all his little tan hairs are gray. He lies between two or three children, a boy and a girl Luke and Leia, or three daughters, Katniss, Tris, and Ember. Yes, I know there are other combinations. I didn’t even get to name My Dæmon, though we called him Neo for three days, my mother changed it.

I always thought the deepest love was between two partners sharing their lives. The truth is, though, I would kick any woman out on her behind for my firstborn. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t hear the word LOVE. I say it nearly every day, and any time I leave the house. You know how my #2 Impossible Thing is always to be a better father. One of the reasons I’m not is because it’s my boy who shows love 24/7 365. Even now, where is he, you ask? He’s lying against my leg, taking a break from his guard duties. Now I can’t blame him. Madam Justice, he’s the strongest man I know. I’m ashamed to admit this and I should save it for Inspector Echo, but I hit him yesterday. Not on purpose, never, but you know my rants about “Coal” at the Day Job, right? So yesterday I was watching all these bully fights. There was this big one with Bruce Lee fighting all these guys on a rooftop, beautiful brutality.

Well, I’m up, and I’m swinging, and My Dæmon gets excited and WHAM, he gets smacked in the nose. One more thing my son teaches me, and that’s FORGIVENESS. I swear he’s hated me more for vet visits and that never lasts more than a day. Isn’t it ironic that he has heart troubles and my love for him, wow? I buy his medication, his food, everything he needs. I’m sitting here going crazy with the humming. Scared, I did something to my ear this afternoon. I’m exhausted, and all this seven-pound ball of fluff wants to do is help and comfort his own Dad. GRATITUDE, he’s my sweetest blessing.

Dogs Have Such Big Hearts.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

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Wasn’t I all about positivity a few weeks ago, was it all the rain and then too much sun, a lack of Energy; can’t say I know much about hangovers but my head hurts something awful, and I’m vomiting up this. “Will’s Walking On Sunshine”

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, in six months mind you, half a year wasted. So maybe I should invest in that sinus antidepressant, but that’s my first sin today. While I despise my anxiety, I can’t afford to be happy; a smile’s not required moving forward.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Think I’ll stick to the ground, for now, my head is usually in the clouds but go one day without an energy shot. Damn you 5-hour ENERGY as if I don’t have two bottles ready to go. If it wasn’t for that, I still had to go out for the car and sink tools sigh. Life finds a way I heard in a movie; it gets you up and moving. Eric Thomas and Tom Bilyeu both talk about passion. You know I write everyday Inspector Echo but only when my feet get put to the fire. Tell me B III is hurt, a pretty girl is coming by, my car is damaged, and I’m out the door. Hell “Okay” and “Indiana Gone” both want me to get published, and I’m looking into it and buying my PS4′?

“But it’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment.” The Day the Earth Stood Still

Now if it isn’t my cowardice, I mean fear of everything, that I’ll be alone, that she won’t like me, or getting stuck. I still drag my feet, and that’s if I’m lucky, I was barely able to get out of bed, and of course, my mouth looks like I kicked myself. Anyway, I can’t be happy; I am on a slow trek of surviving but as lazy as I am if you count my blog. I have written nearly two novels, 120,000 words each, that’s something isn’t it but to what end. Again I turn to my motivations which say you must add value to the universe and no I’m not suicidal. Still tripping into a grave wouldn’t be such a bad thing Inspector.

“When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl – when you can’t do that…”

“You find someone to carry you.” The Message

A reason to find religion, only my son is so much stronger. I don’t mention his heart condition much and excuse me for waxing poetic. He has such love no wonder, but that’s dogs, in general, loving all us humans. How about the fact that even as a dominant I’ll fall to my knees over some boobs. Harley Quinn, The Lady in the (Blue) Dress, Okay, the list goes on. My those bouncy delights keep Heaven light because plenty of guys are going to Hell. A thought that makes me smile because I’m sure there are a lot of uglier things than me down there. THEY say it’s what’s inside that counts, but I am sorry Will’s Walking On Sunshine.

I Will Have No Fear