Tag: Family

Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

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Well, one more Existence Day down, and unfortunately *AHEM* Spotify, Mensa, Hulu, and Adam &Eve remembered. The good news about being with me is I’m not one for celebrations besides Star Wars Day. “The Will To Exist,” I get Star Wars, but why me

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and may the world forgive me for my selfishness. More to the point, may you forgive me, My Love. As Will Smith put it, “I’m being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can.” Is that all I’m going on, these 36 years? I’m not regretting a moment of it. Still lying here beside you and her. Hell or sitting in my bed with my sleeping firstborn as usual. I can’t help but ponder the man I am, and I don’t mean only surviving my day-to-day.

I want to be real with who I am and again, being here at this moment shows me that you see. Now I didn’t become the man that you could love, I’m the man that you decided to love. Does that make any sense? A friend told me to compromise who I am for love. I’m not Wayne Brady. I’ve been talking about listening more to black men I like but back to my point. Anyway, he made a list, “The List,” of everything he wanted in a woman. You’re everything I hoped for. You’re everything I need.” Yes, with my music, I know Love. Somehow I’ve never gotten to what I want in myself. I know I want, like everything, I want lots of love and little ones, but what of the man inside. I’ve always hated yesterday until, hell, I don’t know. My parents weren’t happy I arrived, nobody else either but you, baby doll, that I exist.

You’re mine, and I am yours always, that makes us happy. I’ve never agreed with those people who said you have to love yourself first. You have to be in harmony with who you are. I found peace with you. Baby Girl, I’ll note millions of reasons with us. I know it to live hm. Is it only a Billionaire status… of course, living the dream. I can think back of a time when lying in bed, hoping I didn’t get humiliated at the Day Job, was as good as it gets. I was without direction, without purpose. My Mom would tell me I would find my way… another song.

How about a few like Chasing Cars, “if I lay here,” add in some U2 “With or without you.” Martin Luther King Jr. could be right about a man having nothing to die for, maybe.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Still The Will To Exist…

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 068 ~Willing Existence Day To Be~

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Well, I’m back to time-traveling because I will be too busy surviving the day to bother with writing. Today is like someone announcing the annual Purge and that means I have to hide. Only if I were to have the Perfect Day… Willing Existence Day To Be

Monday, September 7, 2020

Gospel 068 ~Willing Existence Day To Be~

To Existence Day #36

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, yes I am. Madam Justice, today is not about a rule. It’s Existence Day. Now yesterday, I talked about reality, but today I want to speak on Existence Day um, why not now. So if you dare…

My Dæmon is an old man, much like me. He has a little beard, maybe a few gray hairs, but he runs around with my two-legged kids. If I have a son and daughter, of course, Luke and Leia. Three daughters, Katniss, Tris, and Ember. Anyway, how’s breakfast in bed? My loving wife has long gotten me over hating today. She was up early for a “variety” of reasons, and after a kiss, good morning, she’s taking pictures. After breakfast, there’s a shower, but of course, I’m not alone, and why would I want to be. No more hiding today. As I walk through the house, several of the staff are wishing me well. I don’t grumble at them. I don’t have my earphones blaring away. Even now, hearing my voice sounds a little weird.

Now I’m not working today, but somebody has to keep things running. Before my beautiful wife, I would probably have a celebration at one of my many brothels. I have established several, so there’s plenty of stops to make. Everyone’s excited, and the gifts wow. That wonderful wife of mine has a surprise at the studio. Most of the staff will be taking a lunch break as we make a movie. I swear the woman is insatiable, and I’m getting used to my birthday suit.

We take the kids to the beach. While I’m still not much of a fan of the water, my wife is a talented swimmer. My Dæmon is barking his head off, but he’s trying to pull the kids away from the water. He’s getting too old for this stuff, but what about me? My age? Heading back to the house, well geez, everyone has arrived. Cosplayers, writers, some of the tamer girls I know. Indiana Gone, M. Anime, a couple of the MILFS. I don’t dwell on those missing, and my mom is a bit freaked out, but she did raise a gentleman, I think. “Surprise,” my wife announces in her dress, and she brought a friend. Happy Existence Day.

To me, that would be perfect, happy to be alive. Willing Existence Day To Be

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 066 ~The Plan Will Work~

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What am I doing today? Of course, a conservation today, walking my kid, cleaning up for Existence Day as if I might have company. No, I will have company if I take a chance but first comes faith. The Plan Will Work

Saturday, September 05, 2020

Gospel 066 ~The Plan Will Work~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it would be a miracle. Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming, at least not from on high. Now what have I said about listening to white men about everything… America right? Anyway, while I disagree with some of Morgan Freeman’s views on race. I remember his words in the film Bruce Almighty. Be the miracle. I crawled out of bed before 8:00 AM. Took my Dæmon for walkies. I have been cleaning for three days straight. Then we have next week; Existence Day.

I don’t have any arrangements, Lady Luna. Hell, I have more of an idea of what I’m doing tomorrow than Existence Day. I should also add that my little sister’s “Emergence Day” is the day after my own. Am I comparing my sister to the Locusts from Gears of War? Funny that one of my Existence Days would take place in a hospital, well, of course, didn’t the first one ha, ha. I’ve always talked about if terminators existed, I would send one through time. Is there a chance that I could go all “Looper?” Keeping up movie-wise, hmm? I would be glad if you were dear Lady Lu. I’ve been thinking about something, well since last night; delusions of grandeur as they may be. Again, me and my pride to be a ladies’ man, a businessman, right. Staying Alive?

There are two girls, one hinting at reconciliation, another I shouldn’t mention now. I have two days to figure something out. Indeed, only today. Both mothers and would have no time, and yet I’m here. I shouldn’t be wasting my time, but I know the truth of all this, Lu. I don’t want to spend Existence Day alone. Now the other side of the coin, I don’t want to shut the door entirely, and of course, I need the Day Job. Sure, I have my Dæmon. I expect to hear from Indiana Gone. Yet, I won’t even tell M. Anime. Like I’ll see her Yabbos. Somehow though, I have this idea about MILF Tres, aka Special K, and she who will not be named. OKAY won’t say anything, and I want to cut my phone off because I don’t want to hear from my Olds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CzqU2Q-wiMhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmJ95_6qN6o

I’m Lord Give Me A Sign. I need to hear better men. Man In The Mirror… The Plan Will Work.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 062 ~Willing To Say Anything~

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Last week I said something about people disappearing, and I don’t need the usual magic words. If you ever read what I write, it’s like Spinelli and Maxie all over again. You know, from General Hospital years ago? Willing To Say Anything to not be me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Gospel 062 ~Willing To Say Anything~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which could make me a Republican or at least a fan. No, never, as the song goes, I’ll Be (the greatest fan of your life.) Yes, I know it’s getting kind of late, and I can’t say I’m an expert at pillow talk or speech period. One more reason I’m a writer and this. I write to test out everything I want to say and to learn what I shouldn’t. Being your man and all, I know plenty of things a woman says when she’s annoyed. There are things a man shouldn’t forget. Then there’s these.

When you say nothing at all. Damn, I want to tell you everything, but I’m still afraid of how it will look. If I say nothing, then I know I can’t screw anything up, and I never mastered that courtly love concept. If you say nothing, then you’re like all the rest in my life. Obsessed with that idea, right? Baby girl, I believe love is a chemical, a drug, an obsession. You’ve seen all these people breaking up during the plague era who can’t stand to be around each other for ten minutes. I said I would share my life, and I mean it. My soul is in my writing. Do you know what it’s like to have it be seen and tossed aside like so much garbage? That’s why it takes forever for me to let you see it. I want you to be better, I want you to say something, please anything.

I tell you I love you, and you know that the phrase is used far too often. Hell, I shared one of my first books with a woman, and that scared her off quick. Such was her vanity, or so I believe. I don’t mean to complain, but how am I going to get to sleep tonight. Well, besides doing that, ha. Again the things I want to say to you, My Love or more to the point, do to you. It still surprises me that you haven’t left. There’s this movie I saw once. It’s about an artist who got married but lost his spark because his wife didn’t understand him or his work. Slaves To Passion, I guess. If I could tell you everything though… Stay With Me.

Let My Baby Stay, I pray. Willing To Say Anything.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 059 ~Will You Be King~

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First, Rest In Power Chadwick Boseman, I saw plenty of his movies and Black Panther at least four times. Now, of course, I’m plenty selfish too, so today I’m not so much an open book, I’ve learned my lesson. Will You Be King?

Saturday, August 29, 2020

Gospel 059 ~Will You Be King~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but he was more. Chadwick Boseman, he was a star, a legend, even a king. Lady Luna, he was Andre Davis, Thurgood Marshall, the Black Panther, King T’Challa. Now he’s gone. May he Rest In Power. I had to say something.

Can I go back to being a prick because the last 24 hours have been sad enough? Hell, it hasn’t even been that long, but Friday was something else. I must confess that as much as I would like to, I can’t even share it all, and do you know why. Call it hope, maybe faith?

I saw something yesterday, and I’m going to have to pretend I didn’t. The moment I entertain the possibility if I should ever give it voice? My Lady, how many times has there been wailing and the gnashing of teeth? Again I was reading W. Anton, and this goes against everything he teaches, but I refuse. Yes, I lack the courage, but I have learned from history. Better to be a live chicken than a dead duck. I am no king or even a hero. Let me be but a simple kind of man.

Every day I’m closer to being an older one, and I ask, what have I done with my life? I watched It’s A Different World “It’s Greek To Me” that fraternity Kappa Lamda Nu. My whole family has pledged. Yeah, my Mom and my sister are Deltas. Dad is an Omega. You won’t believe me, but I’m fine by myself, but damn I don’t speak to my blood kin hm. It’s strange though that nobody would know if I win and everyone will tell me about it if I lose. I mean look Lady Lu, again I created a whole “cathouse” so I could complain.

Only now, I join so many in the world in mourning, and that is my connection. I can’t speak of affection or of joy. No, I can’t say anything about excitement because what happens then? Lady Lu, I am a good man with a good heart. Usually, I would laugh at that, but now I want to cry. I want to be a billionaire, a king, and I don’t know how to do both, be “decent,” and have my power. Chadwick Boseman did his way.

Yet one more unanswered question. SIGH Will You Be King

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 055 ~Got To Be Will~

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Nobody is ever “real” with me, it’s like everyone is a magician, and I’m an audience of one watching them disappear. I’m left echoing, “how’d they do that?” One reason I listen to so much music. “Got To Be Will,” but what about anyone else.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Gospel 055 ~Got To Be Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, I am a lover and friend, and the best daddy. Yeah, I also sound like a particular Will Smith song. Of course, I’ll never say anything negative about the guy, and you know why that is. I’m being me, My Love, I got to be Will. That’s why I love you so much. As always, another song AHEM, that’s all I “Ask Of You.” I know this week has only just begun, but I’m wishing I’d stayed in bed. Geez, I’m going to sound like one of my Spotify playlists, but would you lie with me?

I tell you I need space one day, and the next, I need you to never let me go. Yeah, I got “Issues,” and how many songs is that? I’m around 7 so far but darling “Stay With Me,” please. It’s not like I can hear anyone else and “You’re All I Need To Get By.” Are you annoyed yet? I choose every single day to share my life with you. Now, this is something I can never diminish. My firstborn has his Trump-like loyalty to me. Um, that’s scary. The kids aren’t going anywhere so soon. They grow up so fast I always hear. But “Only You” baby girl… It’s not the fact that you choose to be with me though you have, and I am forever grateful. You know I believe that “Your Love Is My Drug.” I could blurt out 1 Corinthians or talk about all your heart, soul, and mind. Yeah, me and my pride again.

If today were Thursday, and what have I said about scheduling “relations?” I can’t help it as it comes with the job. Well, Kagney Linn Karter on the set called Dane Cross her Superman. Again I look at all I have lost, the many friends, the motivation, the money, and why? I’m a moron, a misanthropist, I mention the likes of Kagney Linn Karter. My Love, I am no hero, most days I don’t consider myself a good man though it’s nice to hear you call me one. I’m only Will, and if I am to be real with you, I’m asking, would you be too. Hell, didn’t we settle this with an I Do, I Will, or something to that effect? Yes, and still I ask always, “I Wanna Know,” Got To Be Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 048 ~Will Needs His Space~

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I get pretty tongue-tied when I talk to women, and then I go ahead and write something like this… It’s a reason I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, and people call me a headcase. Will Needs His Space.

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Gospel 048 ~Will Needs His Space~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be mad? Well, I know quite a few Republicans that hate so much more. Only I don’t want to speak about hate because I love you. Talk about Doublethink, I tell you all the time you take my breath away. Sometimes it’s like I’ll overflow with everything about you. Today though, it was like being in love with the stars, how high can I go. It was like loving a grave. Make no mistake, I would die for you. I was reminded of that poem Suicide’s Note.

“The calm,
Cool face of the river
Asked me for a kiss.” –

Langston Hughes

You’re not “Equipped” to be loved this much. Well, you did marry me, after all. Now you know I come out of nowhere with my music, but today I want to share my favorite song with you, one anyway. It’s called Moondust (Stripped; EP Version) by Jamyes Young. He sings about burying his love, and for some reason, this stands out to me. It’s not only because of my novel. I named “The Business,” “The Moondust.” I’ve been thinking about how many friends I’ve lost and how I’m always afraid that someday you’ll leave. One wrong word, and it’ll be like something out of the movie “Pontypool.” You say I’m a hard man to know, and I want to be so close but not today. Hell all the movies, music, my manuscript, to tell you the truth. Okay then, I’m mad as Hell, My Love.

That’s what I’m burying, this rage that I feel at so many that I know it would send you running. As the song goes, I bury my love to give the world to you. I won’t have you rob me of my hate, but I can’t give it to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntzBE9nAKfU

I bury my tears everywhere else but not where you can see them. A man ain’t supposed to cry; yeah, another song. I need to lie down, though, and I don’t know if you or my firstborn could help me.


I bury myself in my work… no, not like that. Let me work harder or, as people say, all work and no play. I need some awesome video game carnage, and does that make me sound like a kid again.

Now that’s what I won’t do? I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I keep burying the man I am, and for what? I love you.

Only Will Needs His Space.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 041 ~Will, You Button Up~

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The beginning of a new week and even now I don’t want to talk about it. Every word I say… at least tonight, I don’t have to bother with a poem. I’m also keeping my pants firmly buttoned, or tied, sweat pants. “Will, You Button Up”

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Gospel 041 ~Will, You Button Up~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s because I push buttons for a living. I have those of my characters, my customers; yours Cara mia. Funny, I should bring up Gomez Addams’s pet name for his wife. I ask you plenty of things, but today the question is, are you afraid? I know that I am. Now before I burst into a rendition of that’s all I ask of you, I have some demands. I would do Anything for Love, but I will not be made a fool of. My Love, you must have courage. What I am learning again is this. I will not beg.

You want to know what scares me? One day I’m going to return home and have to ring my own freaking doorbell. Baby girl, you know my views on cursing. Anyway, the point is I think someday you’ll go and change the locks on me and I don’t know why. It might be some other guy hell some girl than is buttoning up, my kids for school. The idea that my family might be taken away from me well. You’ve seen me with my Firstborn, and you know what I would do to protect every little hair on his head. It horrifies me, the thought of something happening to you, Baby Doll. Ask any friend, ask my father, who I hope you’ll never meet. When I say the word “always,” I mean it. Sticking with my musical motif, I would fight, lie, walk the wire, and die for you. Should I shut-up or button up?

One of my heroes, Dennis Hof, he talked about being “mother fucked.” Pardon my language, but what he said was that when a person betrayed him, they stopped existing. What if you asked me to give up my dreams? To send it all crashing down at the push of a button? My Love if with this life I did it “My Way,” I would never button my pants again. There is no way I would leave this bed being with you. Didn’t one of The Beatles pull that off? Which brings me to today or indeed last night. One more friend gone, blocked, deleted, gone. When I dared to speak of it, somebody else disappeared. Will I be a man of courage or a hard man to know? Will you say, “Will, You Button Up?”

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 034 ~Will Hits New Lowe’s~

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Last night, yet again different woman, same situation as in me, saying something I shouldn’t have. My kid and I hate sudden loud noises, but everyone seems to hate anything I have to say. “Will Hits New Lowe’s,” how do I soundproof my life?

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Gospel 034 ~Will Hits New Lowe’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so we have our home with our own private beach. We also have a house out in the woods with a crystal blue lake out front. Now keeping in mind that I can’t swim. You also know how I am about feet. There’s also the fact that while I don’t hate sand, like Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader. I only tolerate it… Okay, let me start over because I’m putting my foot in my mouth. Let’s talk about something like household repair, hmm.

Yeah, what would I know about that? I’m only looking to make noise, I guess. Much like my writing, I’m more about looking the part. I need a decent pair of work boots because I’m sure I’ll do a lot of stomping around, running away. Hell, one will end up in my ass. Excuse my language, Baby Doll, me and my big mouth, and that’s my problem. Last night I talked about never lying to you. There are things I don’t want to tell you. No matter what, though, I always end up hurting you, even texting. Might as well have a clean phone. As the song goes, Love Is An Open Door, yet I need more of them and locks. What, am I trying to find someplace to hide from you Love? Like the horror movies I love, the monster gets the girl or the hero, and I’m not sure which I am on any given day. I’m trying to build us a home.

One more reason I’m a billionaire, so I can pay someone else to do it. I’m sure I could use a paintbrush only don’t hold me to that. Christian Grey’s playroom shone red, but with ours, I want to “Paint It, Black.” The only time I don’t worry about words, albeit a safeword. You know how “chains and whips excite me” well, us isn’t that right, Baby Girl. The things I want to learn for both of us. I can’t change a tire; I know a little bit about changing the oil. I’m nobody when it comes to plumbing… in a house. I love my firstborn like pancakes, but I couldn’t build a doghouse. I’m no farmer, but with things as of now, I’m going to have to learn more than growing black roses too.

Not avoiding you Love but talking Will Hits New Lowe’s.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 027 ~Will Manages Mattress Madness~

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Are you going to ask me up, does a lady have to ask twice, I swear for Charlotte Lewis my behind would have been on the plane to Tibet but as Eddie Murphy asked, is that a bed, so where’s my bed? Will Manages Mattress Madness

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Gospel 027 ~Will Manages Mattress Madness~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so does that mean I sleep more or less? Baby Doll I am not the type of man that has to be coerced, enticed, or seduced to end up in bed. I’m like Chandler to Kee; Jim to Aurora or well… better not to name that particular movie duo, but sexy.

Of course, let me start off by saying if you don’t know these characters um, why did we get married? As for that third movie, the words “Take Me To Bed” have never been so (cue Homer Drool). Let’s just say it’s Indigo Prophecy (Lucas and Tiffany) to cover my behind. So is it the fact that I have to hold secrets that are keeping me up nightly? I wish I could say I am contemplating the mysteries of the cosmos. Is it that our bed is so bad? Hell having you by my side would mean I’m buying the best bed ever. I told someone before it’s a lot easier staying up until four in the morning than waking up then and there. Only I have to be better Baby Girl, I know, we got kids, and my firstborn is starting to get annoyed.

Maybe it’s the idea that I am living the dream. Every night I’m lost to my writing, not reading mind you. Editing is the worst part of the game, even after a successful Camp NaNoWriMo run. The ideas keep pouring in for more stories and more scenes. A man that lives his life in bedrooms sometimes and you know I don’t mean it like that. It’s more like I forget to sleep. Only then, when I do get to bed, then what. You’re not helping to look at me like that. I’m living the dream. Who has time to sleep?

I remember the Day Job and walking around like a zombie. If someone is going to say, I look tired. It might as well be because I’m doing something I love. Not working my fingers to the bone and passing out. Only to regret three hours of missed opportunities. I shouldn’t be taking anything to bed, other than you, a happy puppy, and a clear head. Clear Eyes, Full Bra, Can’t Lose… yeah, no binge-watching Wynonna Earp I know. My motivations say it never ends, becoming a champion or loving someone. Will Manages Mattress Madness.

I Will Have No Fear