Tag: Real

Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

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Well, one more Existence Day down, and unfortunately *AHEM* Spotify, Mensa, Hulu, and Adam &Eve remembered. The good news about being with me is I’m not one for celebrations besides Star Wars Day. “The Will To Exist,” I get Star Wars, but why me

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and may the world forgive me for my selfishness. More to the point, may you forgive me, My Love. As Will Smith put it, “I’m being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can.” Is that all I’m going on, these 36 years? I’m not regretting a moment of it. Still lying here beside you and her. Hell or sitting in my bed with my sleeping firstborn as usual. I can’t help but ponder the man I am, and I don’t mean only surviving my day-to-day.

I want to be real with who I am and again, being here at this moment shows me that you see. Now I didn’t become the man that you could love, I’m the man that you decided to love. Does that make any sense? A friend told me to compromise who I am for love. I’m not Wayne Brady. I’ve been talking about listening more to black men I like but back to my point. Anyway, he made a list, “The List,” of everything he wanted in a woman. You’re everything I hoped for. You’re everything I need.” Yes, with my music, I know Love. Somehow I’ve never gotten to what I want in myself. I know I want, like everything, I want lots of love and little ones, but what of the man inside. I’ve always hated yesterday until, hell, I don’t know. My parents weren’t happy I arrived, nobody else either but you, baby doll, that I exist.

You’re mine, and I am yours always, that makes us happy. I’ve never agreed with those people who said you have to love yourself first. You have to be in harmony with who you are. I found peace with you. Baby Girl, I’ll note millions of reasons with us. I know it to live hm. Is it only a Billionaire status… of course, living the dream. I can think back of a time when lying in bed, hoping I didn’t get humiliated at the Day Job, was as good as it gets. I was without direction, without purpose. My Mom would tell me I would find my way… another song.

How about a few like Chasing Cars, “if I lay here,” add in some U2 “With or without you.” Martin Luther King Jr. could be right about a man having nothing to die for, maybe.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Still The Will To Exist…

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 062 ~Willing To Say Anything~

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Last week I said something about people disappearing, and I don’t need the usual magic words. If you ever read what I write, it’s like Spinelli and Maxie all over again. You know, from General Hospital years ago? Willing To Say Anything to not be me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Gospel 062 ~Willing To Say Anything~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which could make me a Republican or at least a fan. No, never, as the song goes, I’ll Be (the greatest fan of your life.) Yes, I know it’s getting kind of late, and I can’t say I’m an expert at pillow talk or speech period. One more reason I’m a writer and this. I write to test out everything I want to say and to learn what I shouldn’t. Being your man and all, I know plenty of things a woman says when she’s annoyed. There are things a man shouldn’t forget. Then there’s these.

When you say nothing at all. Damn, I want to tell you everything, but I’m still afraid of how it will look. If I say nothing, then I know I can’t screw anything up, and I never mastered that courtly love concept. If you say nothing, then you’re like all the rest in my life. Obsessed with that idea, right? Baby girl, I believe love is a chemical, a drug, an obsession. You’ve seen all these people breaking up during the plague era who can’t stand to be around each other for ten minutes. I said I would share my life, and I mean it. My soul is in my writing. Do you know what it’s like to have it be seen and tossed aside like so much garbage? That’s why it takes forever for me to let you see it. I want you to be better, I want you to say something, please anything.

I tell you I love you, and you know that the phrase is used far too often. Hell, I shared one of my first books with a woman, and that scared her off quick. Such was her vanity, or so I believe. I don’t mean to complain, but how am I going to get to sleep tonight. Well, besides doing that, ha. Again the things I want to say to you, My Love or more to the point, do to you. It still surprises me that you haven’t left. There’s this movie I saw once. It’s about an artist who got married but lost his spark because his wife didn’t understand him or his work. Slaves To Passion, I guess. If I could tell you everything though… Stay With Me.

Let My Baby Stay, I pray. Willing To Say Anything.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 055 ~Got To Be Will~

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Nobody is ever “real” with me, it’s like everyone is a magician, and I’m an audience of one watching them disappear. I’m left echoing, “how’d they do that?” One reason I listen to so much music. “Got To Be Will,” but what about anyone else.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Gospel 055 ~Got To Be Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, I am a lover and friend, and the best daddy. Yeah, I also sound like a particular Will Smith song. Of course, I’ll never say anything negative about the guy, and you know why that is. I’m being me, My Love, I got to be Will. That’s why I love you so much. As always, another song AHEM, that’s all I “Ask Of You.” I know this week has only just begun, but I’m wishing I’d stayed in bed. Geez, I’m going to sound like one of my Spotify playlists, but would you lie with me?

I tell you I need space one day, and the next, I need you to never let me go. Yeah, I got “Issues,” and how many songs is that? I’m around 7 so far but darling “Stay With Me,” please. It’s not like I can hear anyone else and “You’re All I Need To Get By.” Are you annoyed yet? I choose every single day to share my life with you. Now, this is something I can never diminish. My firstborn has his Trump-like loyalty to me. Um, that’s scary. The kids aren’t going anywhere so soon. They grow up so fast I always hear. But “Only You” baby girl… It’s not the fact that you choose to be with me though you have, and I am forever grateful. You know I believe that “Your Love Is My Drug.” I could blurt out 1 Corinthians or talk about all your heart, soul, and mind. Yeah, me and my pride again.

If today were Thursday, and what have I said about scheduling “relations?” I can’t help it as it comes with the job. Well, Kagney Linn Karter on the set called Dane Cross her Superman. Again I look at all I have lost, the many friends, the motivation, the money, and why? I’m a moron, a misanthropist, I mention the likes of Kagney Linn Karter. My Love, I am no hero, most days I don’t consider myself a good man though it’s nice to hear you call me one. I’m only Will, and if I am to be real with you, I’m asking, would you be too. Hell, didn’t we settle this with an I Do, I Will, or something to that effect? Yes, and still I ask always, “I Wanna Know,” Got To Be Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 048 ~Being The Will Man~

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How can I expect to fly, when I hate driving, hell I like hiking, but regular walking is a chore, and the most used piece of flooring in this place is between my bed and my drawer where I keep my phone; “Being The Will Man” still reinventing him

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Log 048 ~Being The Will Man~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and hopefully, you aren’t a car guy. You’re thinking of being A Will Man (A Real Man) this morning. Now that is a talk for another time, a big one. Yes, you are horny already, you should start naming every temptation. From let’s say 6:55 AM to 8:50 AM hmm? Haley Pullos liked your Straight A’s To XXX comment… are you a fuckboy or what (LANGUAGE). You now know who Elsa Jean is, porno research. You still have to download Riley Reid’s movie. I could go on.

If anything though it is better than caring about cars. One more bit of stress right, though “Indiana Gone” is a good friend. A long drive to her wedding but you’re a man of your word. Okay, so we’re not going to talk about Alice Little? You still remember you have to publish your book. When’s the last time you worked on editing? Not that I’m any better. Last night I got lost leading Ethan Mars through the tunnels, Heavy Rain. Maybe that’s it; you don’t have any idea where you’re going. You have a list of life goals, but you have no plan of making it there. Of course, when it comes to your firstborn, failure’s not ever an option. When it comes to any that you care about, you do what it takes to get there. At the same time, though what about you? Another Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Completed
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Fallen Genesis A Deadly Virtues Prequel, Tillie Cole
    Completed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing The Fallen Genesis
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Raphael By Tillie Cole

I’ll admit I could have gotten three. Four if I was a good father somehow someway. Five if I wasn’t looking at porn and trying not to spend money. Now here you are, reinventing the wheel as the song goes. One more list of things you won’t do Will. You said you’d wake up at 4 AM and you crashed in bed. I would have driven for Chinese Friday. Still, the kid needed his nails trimmed. Is it that you’re lost or there is no place you want to go? If we spoke about all the things that scare you about driving. Again, you go to work; you get stuff for your firstborn. You even go vote, and you maintain your sanity (movies, Chinese, BBQ). It’s the worst experience, driving someplace you rather not be at all. Somewhere at the end of the day, not being humiliated is a win. That’s Being The Will Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 041 ~What Is Will Fear~

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How does one make an enemy… please don’t make me quote Star Wars but let’s start with one word FEAR, and there is plenty of that going around these days and the methods to overcome it SIGH. What Is Will Fear

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Log 041 ~What Is Will Fear~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and you fear you’ll never advance. Every day you get closer and closer to the end. No, not suicidal but first were the rules. Next came the reasons for writing. Sadly, you could conjure up 365 days of things you’re afraid of Will. Do you remember the movie Divergent? Tobias had FOUR fears. Tris had seven, one of those being intimacy. Here we go, can you not keep it in your pants this week. Hell I know I was all Halle Berry “Make Me Feel Good.” Who isn’t getting screwed by some white guy these fearful days?

You only want to get through the rest of the week. Let’s say the month without any more bells and whistles. No more warnings, not a bit of spam. Why aren’t you getting up on time? Fear keeps you awake. Yesterday I defined life as a labyrinth. You’re lost, and some unknown beast is chasing you. Now it could be an ocean, and you’re Jack Dawson. It explains why you want to stay warm in your bed. Fortunately, your love is small, and no, that isn’t penis humor. I mean the dog and my queen-size bed. The moment you leave this place, you have to start swimming again. As in the real pool, you never learned how. Those that should have taught you made you terrified of the water. There’s also bike riding for the record. Speaking of records, SIGH I failed Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry Compilation “GULP”
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Completed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Fallen Genesis A Deadly Virtues Prequel

I’m not cocky because I was able to hit number six. It took over a month, and I was the lucky one. If anything it beats being terrified all the time and you are of course. So let’s get back to the inquiry of the day. What Is Will Fear? It’s looking at your phone in fear. The next message could be an attempted hack. There will be more spam, a friend warning you of something. You can’t talk about your kid anymore. Hell, something might happen to him in reality. Letting him down one more day for not cutting the grass. The next pretty girl with beautiful breasts you want to see naked. The one you should see naked come September. Another you have seen nude come October. Six Impossible Things abandoned and movies getting scratched. Far too many things to name here but that’s What Is Will Fear.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 329 ~Let’s See What Sticks~

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Nothing brings humanity together like destruction and doing it alone is almost a criminal act but why not keep it all to myself; well, I have a blog and no published works, I’m sure people will find something else. Let’s See What Sticks now

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Lesson 329 ~Let’s See What Sticks~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, even with as dirty as that sounds or maybe that’s just me and my filthy mind? You know everything continues to pile up, albeit in smaller amounts but still. It sticks with you like my feet to the ground; how long does it take to learn how to walk and here I have to remind myself always to pick up my feet, to lift up my head, shoulders back. My “father” says I look weird; he would prefer I keep my eyes on the ground, a reminder.

I’ve talked often enough about how I’m not growing any taller because I can’t afford it, and how I feel so heavy because of everything that I’m keeping inside, like a reverse Pandora’s Box because Hope fled some time ago. It’s like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” already, maybe I’m not procrastinating but I need to find some joy in my life and even when I’m not watching the world go to Hell, what about all these created worlds. Watching “Detroit: Become Human,” reading “Whispers In The Dark” by LeTeisha Newton or even reading my works is doing nothing to make me feel better but these are things that stick.

Did I ever mention how much I hate glitter, and that sticks to everything, I wonder can fire burn that away; maybe that’s it Lady Luna, that I miss the anger, but it’s always there against myself, even at this moment. Everything I’m doing to stay awake, and when I do, I can’t stick to my task because when I think about what I want to do, you know honestly the world doesn’t need that from me or anyone else. Another reason to keep my head down, while possibly staying alive, you don’t want to know what the world has to offer because what do I do, take it, steal it, pay for it, and only, so I want more?

Again with my sugar diet, donuts and chocolate, quick meals not to live but to waste more time, wasn’t I suppose to have my poetry book ready to go this month and I can’t get past the first girl, a hundred poems out of how many? To make yet another pop culture reference yeah right, Fahrenheit 451, we are burning everything, and the sad thing is when we run out then the fire dies and bring on the darkness but then you can’t read the writing on the wall right?

That’s what I want Luna, maybe that’s why I relish sex, the feel of traditional books, when’s the last time I bought one of those, I want actual game discs, I keep my dog close, him and all his fur. I want to remember what it is to feel as the fire dies away, Lady Luna Let’s See What Sticks.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

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Lie to me, you’re going to have to, I’ll hate us both, but this is the least I can do because you don’t know me, so you’ll make something up. And like the genie I am, I will make your wish come true and become what you want me to be. The Way You Lie.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, and that is probably the biggest lie I’ve told, no fear, how I have repeated it nearly two hundred and twenty-one times, a hope, a prayer, a lie, a big fucking lie.

When I was a child I became an atheist, a choice and yes this is a “sin” for another time, but because of my cowardice, I would tell people life was terrible, that life sucks, instead of acknowledging how I felt about the church. Sometime later my father confronted me, threatened me and asked what was I going to tell people, how did I feel, and I said “unwell,” and after another threat, I lied. Inspector Echo *sigh* I lied and not to those people, not to my father but to myself and that was the killing stroke, ask me why I hate God, and I could give you a million reasons but the fact that I can’t be me, why should I fear Hell?

“That’s what hell is. Forgetting what you were.” Malleus Maleficarum

Before you ask, I am well aware what an atheist is, not a hatred of God but a complete denial and maybe it’s this whole made in his image that has me asking today why do I hate myself, hell I got to keep my job, didn’t I? Questions upon questions, why did I get to keep my job, and I answer because I became that little boy again, I agreed to lie about who I am, how I feel, and everything because I hate these damn people, and why? Tell me why I choose to hate, because they allow themselves to wipe my existence off the earth and I let them because I hate myself infinitely more every day.

It’s probably the only reason I’m still alive, why I don’t fear to go to Hell… I know it, the fire, you see flames have names, guilt, lust, rage, but lying, that has to be the biggest one for me, I cannot stand a liar. If you knew everything I was lying about, more like omitting but Inspector Echo every day I lie here and show every secret I dare. I even told my manager and district manager, I’ll pretend of course if I get paid, I’ll lie to save my ass, I’ll use lies as weapons, but the truth is so much worse. You learn deceit as quickly as you embrace hate and that is my sin Inspector Echo, I made their lies real.

So forgive me Inspector Echo for accepting those lies, for making my life a lie, for covering their fear and hatred as something I deserve because if you knew me at all you know, I deserve Hell like so many others, and I’ve found it, it’s The Way You Lie.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 153 ~The Horror, Horniness, Helplessness~

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Is it just me or has this room quieted somewhat without all the frustrated breaths, the echoes of the keys dying, earlier since I’m not working all night, my characters falling silent with their stories told? The Horror, Horniness, Helplessness

Friday, December 1, 2017

Lesson 153 ~The Horror, Horniness, Helplessness~

Hey Lady Sophia,
No Fear, until next month but even now I’m sort of at that part in the movie when, I’m in the woods lost, the car won’t start, the realization that the monster is coming. First I should off by saying and not that I’ve been crowing about it or anything but I’m a NaNoWriMo winner, finished on the 29th, 50,000 words of complete and utter… well, you know what I want to say, ignorance, garbage, idiocy, etc.

What the holy hell was I thinking, and now that it’s over now I’m just imagining what I’m supposed to be feeling now and again my creativity is failing me. In a way it sort of parallel’s my book, the guy is lost somewhere in the bowels of Hell, but unlike me he at least has somebody coming after him, a family he has never seen, but they are there. When I’m not obsessing over that, it’s the fact that I may never catch up with the life I upped and abandoned, not that it was truly doing me any favors honestly but it’s mine.

Mine just like this story one big pile of shit, and if anything, I need to be gearing up for January, but I just want to fall, fuck, or fear every single thing. Excuse my Sesame Street antics; I’m just trying to stay awake or keep from breaking down, both are viable options. At least I’m not in bed at the moment, and I would say that’s a miracle but how does one define a miracle. Maybe the question is how does one define the impossible because last week didn’t I think being here, surviving, winning, completing, NaNoWriMo, was beyond me, it’s all about me.

That’s it isn’t it, nobody else cares, and this story is as doomed as that story about turkeys taking over the world or for “For Love of Truth,” what about “Some Assembly Required” 120,000 words and 50,000 words is what I considered a challenge? Is that it, why I can’t get excited about what I’ve done now, and I just being me, perhaps I truly fear the light, am I trying to get some actual philosophical basis to my crappy sexual romp, that can’t be.

I could have just needed a new project like Andy Dufresne, but sometimes it’s the little dog at my feet. I keep telling him to wait for me, and I’ll give us both a real life, a real home but all I have to offer is writing and when I look at my latest work *sigh* The Horror, Horniness, Helplessness.

I Will Have No Fear

Night… Yours and Hers, Bye Cupid?

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The things we do in bed and besides “that” I choose to talk, converse, and open a dialogue as someone told me recently because as much as I think about “doing it” I have a heart, I want the “feels”. Night… Yours and Hers, Bye Cupid? really…

And I would share my dream… except you weren’t

there anymore; “you make it” for  real

It’s what we do until…

“No, I feel”

Of me, you can’t be sure

 

In shadow, in shade, when the lights go out

Only I can feel you there

Okay, I maybe a little scared

But if your fire, you’re willing to share

Because that’s what love’s about

 

So why can’t I sleep

There’s still your beauty to admire

Tell me what is your desire?

My girl on fire

Rolling in the deep

 

Not making up our minds

Hiding from the truth

Love me like you do

When three little words, from me, from you

Just love can’t tell time

 

Here comes the sun

Would you tell me, it’s alright?

Is it even right?

After what we were last night

My first, my only, my one

 

You were… “I think I can, I think I can”

“Maybe, just you and me”

“Ain’t that the way love supposed to be”

“Can’t you see?”

“You’re here, and I am”

 

I think love is an open door

Love is that and so much more

You are mine and I am yours

 

Go…

 

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Inspired by: Brittany Anne Pirtle – Emily… Power Rangers Samurai, James Morrison “You Make It Real”, “The Hunger Games” by Suzanne Collins, Glee Cast “Rolling In The Deep” (Adele), Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Nina Simone “Here Comes The Sun”, The Pillows “I Think I Can”, Jayson Belt “Just You and Me”, Rick Springfield “Jessie’s Girl”, and “Love is an Open Door” Frozen (2013)

 

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEOF2g2-_H4

Brittany Anne Pirtle - Emily… Power Rangers Samurai 006