Tag: Fear

Episode 163 ~Will And His Pipe-Dreams~

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The sweat of my brow, a want of video games and books, and plumbing my how that annoys me something awful, so that time of the year again, not Christmas, just getting by day to day, someday with a family. Will And His Pipe-Dreams.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 163 ~Will And His Pipe-Dreams~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, when I’m willing to risk it all, Nah, I’ve gambled away twenty bucks on horses, a month on most of my books “NaNoWriMo” (why am I a horrible writer again); anyway when it came to you… Now to this day, I have never seen the movie We Bought A Zoo but you know how I am with movie quotes, and I’m sure you’ve heard me talk Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage.

Honestly, this is nowhere near the most romantic thing I’ve ever thought about, and sure I could talk about the old fairytales of knights and damsels, though our daughter is more Katniss, Rey, Jyn, Zelda, a hundred other heroines. Hell, I might have called you princess when we were dating, again a hundred different reasons, The Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Bros, Star Wars, don’t complain we have our grand castle now my queen. Anyway, my point is sometime long ago, I thought I was bugging you, I was that ant making his way through the bathtub drain (yes baby girl I killed them), perhaps I was the Itsy Bitsy Spider, that’s worse, let’s agree that I had High Hopes.

Twenty seconds my love, to bug you, to roll the Dice, to say Can We Talk, Can I Take You Out Tonight. Yes my playlist can be as addicting as any drug, but you were so intoxicating, yes I’m a little Drunk On You but if I ever fall to my knees, as I pray for “B III” if there is anything up there, anything I need be for you, damn I’m All The Above. Being here with you, seeing, believing, and knowing what those twenty seconds have turned into, from the idea that in this whole universe, somehow I didn’t have to ask Save Room for us there was somehow a place. Even when I’m so down on myself, when I feel like I’m drowning, I always say when it rains it pours, and yes I could break out some I got sunshine on a cloudy day, though I prefer that it’s love that has you Stay With Me or maybe it’s a mix:

I figure maybe I’ve cried enough this week and it’s only Tuesday and you know anything other than a hot shower or bath irks me, I still can’t swim, beaches, pools, and cruises I tolerate, and Baby Shark is everywhere, please Baby It’s Cold Outside. One moment reason we’re here together and “Triple B” isn’t saying my princess is in another castle because my queen you are right here, but once Will And His Pipe-Dreams.

I Will Have No Fear




Episode 161 ~Baby It’s Will Outside~

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Nobody would have to coerce me into staying here, the monsters, the mayhem, the man that awaits me, hell I saw a glimpse of him, talk about going from the second circle of Hell to the ninth plus “Triple B” thinks I’m a meanie. Baby, It’s Will Outside

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Episode 161 ~Baby It’s Will Outside~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, outwit, outplay, outlast, and what wouldn’t give to stay in the house all day, despite getting a full eight hours; that’s the dream, and you would rather keep dreaming am I right? It’s a reason most of those reality shows take place on the beach, in the kitchen, or skimpy attire because who likes being cold, more to the point who likes feeling dead I ask daily?

Despite the cold, the concept of becoming a corpse, and the possibility of gaining, more likely, losing cash, nevertheless you go out and what scares you the most is not the man in the mirror but the man they see. I know how things were in the past and they don’t sound anywhere near as good as Baby It’s Cold Outside; you’re sick, frozen in fear and yet warm in cozy in sheets, in a hot shower, or with the furry kid, and the future… Even Spotify agrees you vanish in “Fearless Motivation” and yet if you had to face the man the rest of the world sees, neighbors, family, the vet’s office, not that I’m sparing you any misery either, with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
    Failed
  5. I Will Finish Dancing In The Dark By T.L. Martin (Goodreads)
    Completed
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel
    Failed

My, don’t I make becoming an ice cube, sound so much more appealing as days go by, no one is looking forward to seeing you but the Day Job and only so you can be frozen in place unloading trucks. The score didn’t move up any from last week, and even now that’s a bit of counting my chickens before they hatch because according to Goodreads I haven’t finished “Dancing In The Dark.” Hell if it wasn’t for last night, one of “B III’s” nails getting caught in his collar you would have more than enough reasons not to brave the cold of this world, and if there was a pretty girl in the mix… whoa, just Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
  5. I Will Finish One Book Besides “Begging For It” Todd Michaels
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

Besides today, of course, there is one work shift to consider; one more reason you’re frozen, tears, sweat, and other things the body excretes; what temperature does blood freeze at, that’s a type of you’re a writer and not a psycho inquiry. You’re a writer, an artist, like those who did Baby It’s Cold Outside and you can practice from anywhere because Noah knew the flood would pass, but it’s freezing in your part of the world, so you believe and Baby It’s Will Outside.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

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How I thought I was wasting words with my novel but one week out and the words are still going nowhere except to the wrong people, the day job, a few porn sites and Pinterest must hate me I’m sure. Willing To Waste Words

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Episode 157 ~Willing To Waste Words~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, the question I ask myself every day or at least since September and my first sin for today and why… because when I’m not coming up with an answer, when I’m blabbing away like yesterday to the future wife, and what about TRYING? I’m sure I have told you often that I hate that word, goes right up there with things like “just kidding,” “I’m sorry but,” “that’s interesting,” and of course STUPID, one of these days I’m going to write a list of trigger words.

Funny I use the word trigger because words are like bullets and the fact of the matter is why does one want to use them, I despise hunters, well trophy hunters, don’t give me thoughts and prayers, and while I’m no Republican and I hate the NRA, I don’t want an outright ban. I’m losing my analogy… what I’m saying is, I don’t waste words on the meaningless, I don’t have TIME for that, and yet every single day, even if I’m not talking to people, the words come out and the harm they do regardless. You know I also hate people making noise for no reason, take for example A Quiet Place, and people arguing that the family should have moved to the waterfall or Pontypool because people can’t shut up or die logically.

The thing is this is my story and about my sin so of course, I start with my son, the sins of the father no doubt, I tell him, no, to go lay down, even to shut up and here I am doing all I can because I would not be able to take that silence, my second sin. The third as I said before I have been blabbing away not accomplishing anything because I only want to be done, I want to go back to sleep. So for the fourth one how about when I’m genuinely getting something down, my browser history, Pinterest, Instagram, and any number of porn sites, I know I have looked up much worse things, not to mention my novel…

Words have power Inspector Echo, a few moments ago the word was “Yes” and we know how that word has so many connotations and if you asked me right now what the meaning of that word is, I would tell you guilty of a fifth sin. Can you forgive me for not having a better answer or any worth writing, for not being more careful with “B III,” and letting myself babble away, also I’m building a dictionary of porn and not using Yes for the right reasons because I’m always Willing To Waste Words.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

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Honestly, it’s not NaNoWriMo making me cry, but I have been so out of it lately, and today I wanted to break down; I swear a shoulder, a lap, in a minute I’ll be like “B III” looking for comfy spots on the anatomy. Love Can’t Will Time

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I wish there were time, but I’m too busy making it for someone else which is why I want it so badly, not the money, but the time it takes, can you imagine, especially in these last two months? I can’t be sure about the saying money Can’t Buy Me Love, and I’m not saying you’re Gold Digger (am I dead yet) what I mean is if there were time and there are days I work so hard for a dollar…

I would love you like Bedlam, Pandemonium, the walls of my skull because I would need you to wrap me up in your arms, to have my back, to stay by my side, to keep me in, more than your thoughts and prayers though you are the one person I might believe. Love in itself is a form of insanity, and I hope I never recover but at the same time, the things that are known to hearts and minds, to the soul, people talk about love in terms of forever, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, did I mention I’m a traditionalist? You see love doesn’t have to tell time because it is always there but as I said today, why can’t I be, my head hurts, my heart feels on the verge of shattering, I don’t want to move, my eyes say the soul needs a rest day now.

I want to love you like one of my novels, You’re My Latest Greatest Inspiration, and sometimes I’m going to think you’re the best thing ever, and I can’t wait to tell you anything and everything. Other times I don’t understand anything at all, and I’ll kick myself because I know I should do better and I’m going to look at us and set my alarm for later, I’m going to starve, I’ll count every minute because I can’t go to bed with us like this. As one of my motivations says, greatness takes a lifetime commitment, and that’s what I want for us, this is what I’m willing to give but to love you and to live, how I need more time, more tries, to figure out why having two opposable thumbs makes me wise somehow or another.

Evolution, man, lover, husband, father and then there are times I want to be a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him, and sometimes that will be easy and other times like today… I can see more hard days on the horizon but it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine as John said in Fear The Walking Dead, finding love even in the apocalypse, so Love Can’t Will Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

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It’s a little earlier tonight, but I still won’t be getting a full night’s sleep, eight hours, six, funny, but if I even get three and tomorrow I should be done with NaNoWriMo, one more novel but honestly *sigh* Will Took So Long.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Episode 150 ~Will Took So Long~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, is a year too long to wait, three months in, I’ve nearly written a novel in one, and when’s the last time I ever accomplished my list of six impossible things though if all goes well tomorrow… When’s the last time I got over five hours of sleep in a row, how about when I last did laundry, or I felt completely safe in this house; do any of these equate as sins or should I blame NaNoWriMo for it all?

No Inspector Echo that in itself is one sin that I’m looking to blame anything else other than me with anything that’s going on but if you want another crime, it’s that I’m “TRYING” you know how much I hate that word because it’s not doing. Perhaps a third sin, taking life lessons from Star Wars but am I different with my novel which should count as a fourth sin because it is indeed the worse thing I have ever written and why did it take me a month to realize that? How about the idea that I’m sleeping too much after work, never five hours though this would be the fifth sin but why am I staying up all hours of the night right?

“Indiana Gone” might count the fact that I never have any faith in myself but at this point what else do I have to give, other than to work, my writing, and the small amount of sanity I’m grappling onto and you know what I’m holding exactly, not books, beauties, or a full stomach. Hell, I still have plenty to eat, but at this point in life I smell like potato chips and work, even this morning I gained twenty minutes of sleep as I skipped a shower, I washed up in the sink, still had to get to the day job always. That’s seven right, the eighth is the fact that I’m not looking at the positive, tomorrow all that is required is a final nine hundred words, this weekend may be quite shiny if not for the immense cold, and Youtube’s musical selection has been doing wonders to keep me going despite everything.

A ton of forgiveness you’d believe right but still forgive me for blaming NaNoWriMo, where would I be without it. I’m sorry for more trying and less doing. Why can’t Yoda be a hero, only I’m more Vader wouldn’t you say? My apologies for horrible writing and my terrible sleep schedule, my lack of faith, for giving into every vice, sloth, and lust for the most part, and finally for who knows, finding success and saying, Will Took So Long.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

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Last week I was defending the house and this week t should be bedtime, maybe family time, and of course it’s the last week of NaNoWriMo, so yes plenty of writing and no dreams of the beach. Sea Will, Cue Waterworks

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, because the last thing I’ll be asking you to get me is a beer and I don’t care if you drink… in moderation, if only I could do my writing as such these days. Started From The Bottom now we’re here right, from those days when I was buried in bed sheets or drowning myself with tears with one more book, and I know you wish I were here more honestly.

Sitting on the beach with my laptop watching you and the children play in the waves; a woman that dares me to be brave because of all the apocalypses I’ve written about none of them have involved the deep blue sea, and of course, you know why that is. Hopefully, you won’t find me someday, face down in a bowl of soup or Chowder, I don’t think I’ve ever had that, and again I wouldn’t ask for it. Not even so much for a glass of water but the fact that you would care to bring me one; why is it that I find love so Complicated, yeah sometimes the music helps with my writing, and sometimes you find it annoying or maybe not I’m so lucky you’re caught up.

I remember when talking to you worked up a sweat and not only a deadline; I suppose one day I’ll have some other than the ones I impose on myself, “B III” wondering when’s dinner time, the two-legged kids wanting playtime, and the things you’re up too. When it’s not my novels that have me feeling some weird way, it’s the thought that again I want to stay on this beach, to have enough to afford a yacht, and I enjoy fishing, what about a wine cellar, I barely drink the stuff but being a wealthy writer… It means pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into this but I want to be the man that’s getting you chicken soup when you’re ill, sitting with you asking why Starbucks exist, to toast cold nights with hot cocoa with plenty of marshmallows and some whip cream too.

For now though, it’s an energy shot and you baby girl, are you mad, should I be afraid, and if I were to be a typical man, yes I will work on the bathtub at some point because it’s reminding me of InTown Suites bathrooms… or the day job *shudders*. Now I’m not sure if I honestly do need a drink, chocolate, something dripping in cheese or butter, maybe smothered in gravy, until that day you convince me somehow on our vacation to go Under The Sea Will, Cue Waterworks.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 143 ~Before My Willing Embarrassment~

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As the song goes, I’m gonna wait ’til the midnight hour, although it’s way past that; at least I don’t have work, and this is probably the only time I wish I did despite not wanting to get fired, humiliation though? “Before My Willing Embarrassment”

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Episode 143 ~Before My Willing Embarrassment~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, become a comedian, but the humor in me died several years ago unless I’m wearing my mask, and that’s tonight’s first sin, knowing what I’m going to have to do Friday. I would say I will spend the whole day hiding, sin number two but that is going to be impossible which leads me to sin number three, wanting a miracle.

Can’t say I’ve wanted much else tonight, which is sin number four, not being able to say what I want, at least not all of it, no that can never happen, but that would lead to more than being a little embarrassed. Every damn day Inspector Echo when I know I’m going out into this world, it’s never with hope, the need to be helpful, or even being horny, it’s with the ancient knowledge to gird my loins for everything that is about to come. I don’t need a few nightmares to warn me of this, even “B III” saw, I don’t know if he thought his daddy was an idiot, a crazy person, or damn near dangerous, maybe he was embarrassed for me possibly.

Being a black man in America, of course I know the stories about what my “people” did to make this country great for themselves and everyone else as a whole and they got beaten, tortured, and killed for years. I suffer from Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Only so many others every single day fight their battles, they maintain, their lives are full of everything good. How about the fact that I read and write erotica, I’m an atheist, a dominant, a sadist, I hate Trump, I think we need gun control but I like assault weapons, I could go on with all of my “stupid” ideas honestly.

My point is that one of my biggest fears is that I’ll be humiliated for one reason or another by complete surprise but at the end of the day I’m walking right into it, and that’s my fifth sin. To feel that this is not a life worth living so how the FUCK should I know any thankfulness. May you forgive me for my mask, for wanting to run and hide instead of kicking butt, for waiting on the impossible, for not having what I want so ignoring what I need and for hating life at the start of another day, even In The Midnight Hour, so Happy Thanksgiving and cheers Before My Willing Embarrassment.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 142 ~Will, Defend To Keep~

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Last night I swear I heard a crash and I’m rushing to defend my first born with The Walking Dead collection, I can only imagine it would have been a million times worse if I had the rest of my family… but not yet. Will, Defend To Keep.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Episode 142 ~Will, Defend To Keep~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t spend all the money on security alarms, ant baits, and guns but wait This Is America and if anything bugs are everywhere but you know I’m honestly a clean freak, you remember every time you came over In The Beginning? Could you call that a bachelor pad; enough room to have a library/”B III’s” Room and a gaming den or movie theater but that’s giving myself too much credit I suppose, but I do enjoy our movie nights as always.

Now I know the kids will see things under beds and hear them in closets, I’ll listen to the Careless Whisper from someone when they watch us, and I would say I’m more of a lover than a “warrior,” still “Triple B” can tell you about us walking and people and animals starting trouble. Speaking of which though, maybe that’s why I spent so much on this big house, rephrase that, on our home, never running away from my family but with these hands, yeah I can put together a coffee table… in two days’ time maybe. Two bookshelves, an entertainment center, cut the grass, kill ant beds, change light bulbs, again me and my OCD with cleaning and whatnot.

You want to know what frightens me; when the phone rings and you have a flat tire, heaven forbid I have an accident with our little ones, dead batteries in cars, even changing the oil. The night the smoke detector goes off, be it a fire or not, the day I hear something crashing like last night and I’m running downstairs with “Lucille” and “Carol’s Bowie” if you don’t get those references then why are we even married… the obscenities I’ll shout when I see one black speck crawling across the floor or tub with a hundred of his closest friends. A King must earn his keep, prove what is his to keep and defend his Keep and last night feeling as though everything was crashing down around me. I suppose that’s why I have a Queen, a reason not to look for an enemy, to worry about the stones that will fly, fall, and find us someday, someone to share all of my concerns.

My baby girl, my love, my wife, it is in my heart you will always stay but can you blame me for needing to protect everything else I love about you, everything of us, showing our Two Princes how a man must behave, my princess how a man should be for her. What does that make me if I can’t, no I will make it, even my “father” *sigh* he looks after what’s his, and my family will always come first so come wind, come wrack, the slings and arrows and outrageous fortune, with you yes, Will, Defend To Keep.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 139 ~Willing Parody Of Life~

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I think I know enough about life to fake it, go to work, kill the pests (ants), and there is a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head, and that’s all there is but wait there’s more because what I have seen so far… “Willing Parody Of Life.”

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Episode 139 ~Willing Parody Of Life~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, give life or take it, and no My Lady I’m not crazy though if I can be candid with you Luna, these days the thought of my life has only begun depressing me further. Today *sigh* It Was A Good Day, now nowhere near as good as it was supposed to be… Five Thousand words, remember that but I think I’ve written most of a “wonderful” solid chapter for my novel.

I was dead asleep for most of the day which might explain why physically I feel so wide awake, that and being a spokesman for 5-hour ENERGY, not for real but a shot a day gives me the words to say. Speaking of shots, that would have been faster I believe, a military man especially a commander should keep a journal I heard once, as far as the war against the ant population, it goes well, two ant baits and I now have a pest mass genocide. One more day off and then there’s hell to pay, as in Black Friday, how I wish I could summon up my rage against the General Manager, why not the general population, I’m not picky, only picked on.

The question tonight is, why am I the biggest bully of them all, don’t get me wrong, my day job is doing awesome destroying me, you would think I would take this more seriously, writing but still I remain. People talk about these weeks as a season of miracles, I only want one, and that’s to finish my novel on time and with everything that is about to happen… Well, one more good thing, my Mother is cooking which means “B III” and I should eat well if we make it until Thursday but then again, don’t I get paid Friday and if I had my way I wouldn’t go out on either of those days so yeah yay Mom.

Maybe that’s it; I’m a bully that’s been knocked down but beating myself up is so damn easy that yeah everyone does it, and I still want to lend a hand because that’s what I do, hurt myself to benefit others. I heard this ad that says Christmas reminds us of how good we can be, “Triple B” is alive I’m right, I haven’t tried to kill myself in ages, that works, I might have reclaimed some of this house, okay then but what’s not, this Willing Parody Of Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 132 ~What Keeps You Willing~

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Being perfectly honest I wish I wasn’t and no I’m not getting on about my name I mean getting off my ass and doing something other than running to work, searching for sex, and rushing to stop the flood of invaders. “What Keeps You Willing?”

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Episode 132 ~What Keeps You Willing~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, three months in, I should have a quarter of a million dollars… I spoke about mimes yesterday, and that’s one more good thing about them, you can’t hear them laughing at you. Can’t see them either considering I have been asleep most of the day and things I don’t want to see today. More things to break my No Fap streak, too late, more black dots across the kitchen floor or Braxton’s room marching, and how about the crap for my novel but the ideas keep on coming more and more.

Hell Lady Luna the only reason I got anything done today was “B III” tugging at my arm, one more thing I didn’t want to see is him hacking and coughing, that fat cat that’s looking for a fight, or whatever wound I inflicted on myself around my heart. I don’t want to see when I have to go to work tomorrow, how about what I’ll procrastinate with next, today it’s been Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Rick Grimes’s last episode, and then there’s my dining room chair. So today’s question is what do I do it all for, I’ve said so many times before I don’t look in mirrors, I counted my money which is another bit of depression, and no I’m not suicidal… okay, I always am but closing my eyes and wasting today did work wonders.

It always comes back to FEAR but if I need to pick up F’s they would be FIRED, FATHER, and of course “The F Word” because I hear Captain America saying “Language”; still why do I get up for work, don’t like my job, hate people but I don’t want to get fired. Every Morning when I wake up as the song goes and I’m not headed off to work I see my son look at me like Papa Can You Hear Me, and I‘m nowhere near the best dad in the world and I still can’t believe I still dream of having the “Nuclear Family” to be a Father. Of course, that requires “The F Word” and no I don’t mean Fapping, and when it comes to sex, yeah I have far too much of that in my novel and far too little in reality but the promise of it… talk about loftier F’s.

Ask me why I wake up in the morning other than to walk B III, give him his meds, and pray for twenty-four hours not to fight the horde, at this rate I’m going to have to do actual real adulting and call someone. People Lady Lu, humanity, like Me Before You, A Million Little Things, Let Me In, we are supposed to live to make other people happy, and that’s not fair when we can’t have that so Lady Lu What Keeps You Willing?

I Will Have No Fear