Tag: Fear

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

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One of the earlier rules or questions and not in the top ten, so life may be getting better and before anyone panics because of this day and age we live in, I’m okay, my biggest worry is the stir my past will cause. Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Lesson 317 ~Why Kill Yourself For Anyone~

Thirty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, after you’ve seen my darkness and so you know I feel somewhat okay, I’m always partly suicidal; if I had a button that could end it all, today it would be in the closet but anyway I look at this rule three ways just saying.

If you ever asked me one reason as to why I would want to kill myself… my father point blank period, one word from him and I feel like the stupidest, most pathetic and worthless cretin to ever walk the planet. Rape, Madam Justice is perhaps the most horrific crime that can be inflicted on a person and one day I will discuss my “Ravishment” fetish but the idea that you can take not someone’s body but their soul, and kill it. In the end, this is all about me, but I can blame school, religion, the bitch, women the list goes on but the first time I ever tried to OD on sleeping pills it was my father. Only surviving I suppose is the biggest F* U I can give him, “Who Made Who?”

Now being a man I’m also an idiot thinking I can buy a woman perhaps… I went on a pornstar’s wish list once buying her stuff and tell me what did I think that would accomplish? Hell pretty much all of humanity’s achievements have been fixated on the idea of men trying to get laid and what about women, what do women want, I bought a book on the subject; and how many stupid things have I done over the years for a woman? Where the bitch was blip once upon a time, my whole blog became about confession, shame, a history lesson and we’re three hundred and seventeen posts in with others I ask myself why do I keep writing… hmm, I don’t know.

“Who the hell are you? You’d would have done better with “Bitch, get in the car.” ― Bad Company (2002)

Speaking of which, who am I, most attention I got… I starved myself for three days and gave the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline my zip code, had the cops and paramedics nearly knocking my father’s door down. For the record I despise the Lifeline, I almost killed myself and lost everything in a night because my father didn’t give a shit. Long story but anyway if I died nobody would care and I refuse to have my life’s work securitized, misinterpreted, destroyed or making that ass clown rich. I don’t hurt people as much as I would like to, zombies, purge, what have you but I don’t owe any favors… well many favors and who knows maybe I want to torture myself, a damn sadist in the bedroom and a masochist in my everyday life.

No Madam Justice nobody is worth it, though I would die to protect my dog, both he and my father know this, and maybe one day I’ll find someone worth my life, but for now, Why Kill Yourself For Anyone.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

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I wish happiness were as easy to turn on like everything else in my life, hell like myself in some cases but while I’m avoiding some things, let’s hope a smile will not be my undoing. “Like A Light Switch”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, yeah like I once loved HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, or those afternoons watching “Toonami” or staying up late to watch *gasp* Adult Swim, such were the days before the Internet for me? If I never told you the story before about how I discovered “Hentai” I got two words for you… “Tenchi Muyo!” and just like that, you may bring on the darkness.

So what exactly is today’s sin, maybe it’s a loss of control, I did something today, and it’s one thing when you sin without forethought but to do so when you have experience and those who don’t learn from history… I suppose I am feeling quite blessed today but I swear to you here and now it will go no further on my part, yeah and every “aficionado” says they’re going to kick and what happens next? Is it fair to call me an addict and to be honest I don’t know why I stopped, though am I seeing any benefit; I might have been smart enough to steer clear.

“Never trust a big butt and smile” Bell Biv Devoe

On the other hand, I found something stronger than terror and forgive me for embracing fear, but it keeps you alive, and I don’t even know why I’m stressing, I was yesterday, and here I am today. What about this, the boldness, the daring, the audacity to call myself a dominant when I can’t do something as simple as making friends and especially at such a fragile time in my life. Disappointing as well as tomorrow you know who is coming by and if nothing happens then I have squandered my opportunity, and I won’t be able to make another move, my hands will be tied; instead of hers right…

“Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.” ― Zombieland (2009)

Aren’t my hands tied already or sleeping like the rest of me because it’s the only way I can find to stop worrying but then again, remember, remember, the fifth of November, almost the same circumstances though I’m not that far gone. Was I practicing self-abstinence then too; if anything I feel somewhat like a kid again when my “adult entertainment” consisted of a binder full of porn and sneaking past library internet safety guidelines.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the misguided youngster I once was, the stress of youth desired, remembered, and history ignored, my addiction to beautiful women, or calling myself a dominant and my pursuit of the perfect submissive; turned on so casually I’ll say Like A Light Switch?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

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Another lesson on fear where I should find the courage to live and I may have done so when I was but a child but with age has come a plethora of bad experiences and I’ve been down this road before. You Must Always Live Brave.

Monday, May 07, 2018

Lesson 310 ~ You Must Always Live Brave~

Thirty-First Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, did you love me before and now you’re so afraid of losing me that anyone else can be sacrificed only to keep me safe, but how shall I ever learn to become brave? How do I even define brave, you know what would have been brave today, talking to a pretty brunette, looking a man in the eye, hell maybe speaking a little bit louder, I swear these words.

As I said before courage is merely the acceptance of fear and doing what you wish, fear is a virus and courage found and practiced daily, but some days I guess I don’t and when you miss a day… That’s why I’m always telling myself to get out, to do things that make me afraid so I must be brave yet how foolish is that to seek out fear, “Remember What Fear Taste Like.” Is it not courageous though to face down the monster that I’m always called, to learn from experience and know I am a better man because when has such ideology ever helped me in the end?

Women *sigh* at the end of the day, however, I justify them I can still call it fear, but not when I find myself in pieces, and then that’s not fear at all, that’s actual danger. Nevertheless, that must be faced down. No, I take that back, you must face it head-on but what happens after that Madam Justice, fear not being equal to danger, but I get fired, I get in a fight, people think this or that of me? What about at this particular moment, what would a brave man do, what would an intelligent man do, see that’s the thing I can’t be either because for me the rule is more often you must always survive afraid.

I want to live Madam Justice honest I do, and it’s always once I have power, once I have nothing to lose, which of course is impossible, and in this situation, I stand to lose everything. It won’t be the first rule I’ve broken, and it won’t be the last… am I saying I’m giving up; Madam Justice tell me how, is it not brave to be myself even if that man is a sniveling coward, at least I survive?

One day though, I promise you, if I ever touch life, I won’t let it go and then my friend You Must Always Live Brave.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

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I never drive far, hell everything I need is around the corner, movies, restaurants, two different vets, I could walk to work, Walmart, and besides no strip clubs, the internet takes care of that along with Amazon shopping. “Chicken Crossed The Road”

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today but less crazy, or at least I think I am and I am sorry if you’ve heard this story before, but I once heard that Hell is repetition, only this is one of the few times I didn’t get lost actually. Should I start with the fact that I wasted two hours of my life; hell I am killing time every day but this was like Nascar which I have never understood, going around and circles and for what, most get nothing.

At least I got a lesson out of the deal, something I should have known a long time ago and the closest I got to “stalking.” As you know my old car sucks but I started talking to this girl, and as she was adequately inebriated she asked could I pick her up one night. Cowardice or good sense I didn’t, but she told me where she lived and willing to risk getting stuck because of some girl, one morning I drove over merely as a test to whether I could make it there at all. How to say, the gesture was not well received, and I haven’t texted or been out that way again and with such a lesson did I grow as a person… episode 305 Inspector Justice I’m still an idiot honestly.

A joke why did the chicken cross the road, because here I am again contemplating “Indiana Gone” who has been to my place on many occasions and then she moved away, and now she wants me to visit her, but of course she hasn’t given me her address. How about the fact that I didn’t trust my old car to do anything when I needed it most especially when it comes to some girl not that I have faith in me with the new car. Last but not least what about the “bitch,” now that does make me sound scary doesn’t it, but I have never dreamed of going out that way, but of course I was already, creepy, skeeve, stalker, according to her blog.

Should you forgive me Inspector Echo for being a chicken that likes his side of the road just fine or for crossing and getting fried because I’m going to Hell aren’t I, and maybe it’s better I feel like chicken tonight or this afternoon. Forgive me Echo for not finding some Holy Grail, and I suppose my princess is in another castle which worked for Mario but he was no chicken, but as for me *sigh* Chicken Crossed The Road.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

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I can’t describe it, and I could be just like everybody trembling, sweating, wanting to shut my eyes but then how would I ever make it through my day; if you only knew everything that scares me. Remember What Fear Taste Like.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Lesson 303 ~Remember What Fear Taste Like~

Thirtieth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but at least I’m not scared… entirely, because fear is a sickness; in the Bible, it says something to the tune of all have sinned but that’s not true, why should I have to pay for the first man that messed up? Fear, on the other hand, children aren’t born with that, this world infects them, and as far as a cure, there is none, no not one, if anything we can only become stronger.

We seek out fear to endure a greater one or maybe that’s just me, so I never forget the need, or the taste, as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or what doesn’t kill you had better start running. Nine times out of ten we fear things that could never conceivably hurt us, I could go all political and talk about this country’s fear of black men and why it’s us that should be afraid. I could also tell you about how many people are scared of me, why else would I think of myself as a monster, the “boy” with his head down, keeping to himself, who scares pretty girls with handwritten sentiments, who only needs enough strength to stand today.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige ― After Earth

Fear is a choice Madam Justice, but like hate, there’s too damn much of it always, so what if I had the strength to stop being afraid there would still be those that fear me for being what I am. If I choose to be frightened those same people will wonder why I am terrified, with everything that I could be fearful of, a pretty girl at Walmart shouldn’t be one, a stupid bitch with a blog shouldn’t matter, the terror of losing my job. Why not become my father, who’s so afraid he allowed anger, rage, hate to consume him, Hell itself follows him but then again I usually give into lust, and that makes me even scarier right?

Courage, of course, is not the defeat of fear but merely it’s acceptance, what about power, will; dare I say, love, I’m almost tempted to say fear might be the highest power. I’ll even admit I like the look on a girl’s face in certain situations; fear can keep you awake. Of all the rules that I have this one is probably the easiest to adhere to every day sadly, Remember What Fear Taste Like.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 298 ~Time Enough At Last~

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Why stand there taking up space; I get road rage just standing in line and perhaps one of my fears is that everyone feels, the same way and I don’t want anyone feeling that way. “Time Enough At Last,” to relax maybe

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Lesson 298 ~Time Enough At Last~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today though I wish I could remember a time that I was, a time I could stop and smell the roses, sometime when I didn’t feel I was running for my life, trying to catch up or rushing things because there is so little time left. How often have I said, the world will end in five minutes, and I have to make it until then, again and again, it becomes incredibly exhausting.

For instance, people falling in love at first sight, it works for dogs, I loved my dog since the moment his paws hit the ground, and I immediately wanted to protect him from the world, can’t say they about any girl and nor should you. Don’t get me wrong Inspector Echo I’m not that much of an idiot… any more and that’s quite a long story but no time. I have too much to apologize for today, I’m not taking the time to live or even wanting to, I want to survive, and I especially don’t have time to figure out how I’ll get that done in the long run.

“I just want to wake up with more time on my hand than hours in the day.” In Time (2011)

Everyday Inspector Echo I feel like I’m getting in the way and I don’t even have time to say I’m sorry, did you ever wonder why I never go anywhere taking the highway, how I have to fly to visit a friend rather than drive because I’d get lost forever. I’m the guy that practices what to say before he goes through the drive-thru, who can’t do anything but stand in line honestly, and then I’m lazy as hell when it comes to sleep. Now I’m not in love with any girl, but I don’t lie, I speak in a certain way, I rush because most guys that can get girls don’t have to talk and I’m a regular Howard Wolowitz, I say whatever stupidly.

And I also apologize for wasting my time apologizing on top of dreaming up revenge or wallowing in misery, I’m sorry every day must fill up with something, and then I can do nothing but waste it, even today, how far have I got in editing my book? To think I hope they never build a time machine or if they do, that the “The Langoliers,” won’t be far behind; why do I need to go back, this sounds familiar.

Doesn’t make me any less sorry though and maybe with enough money, power, or maybe love there will be one day, Time Enough At Last.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

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So today wasn’t my day and tomorrow I might finally finish another novel; fifty-thousand words, while somebody else will write one sentence and the world will be all a “Twitter” won’t they, am I jealous? The Ease of Jealousy.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, because I apparently overestimated people’s stupidity or maybe I underestimated the power of my laziness but I’m still working today even though I slacked off a bit yesterday a lot… the dog groomers, the bank, shopping, excuses. How often do I rely on people being terrible at their jobs just to make myself feel better, not that I could do such things, but I have a higher calling; these people sustain life but don’t writers and the other artists make it worth something, a reason Lady Lu.

“And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” ― Dead Poets Society

Now it’s one thing to see all these authors, talented, tremendous, gifted, but what are the odds that I’ll meet Skye Warren, that one of my books will have me dancing with Jennifer Lawrence at some soiree, or I’ll end up on the big screen, well porn has awards. It’s when I see people I know; you remember the bitch that got me back into writing because I was so ashamed of myself “Look Who Grossed Up” and that was Two Hundred And Ninety-Four posts ago. I suppose she’s still writing, was even getting contacted by publishers and such and here I am, I’ve been writing most of my life, and okay I’m jealous, secure enough to admit that right?

“Males shouldn’t be jealous that’s a female trait” ― Jay-Z

Anyway, so last night this extreme Christian girl I once worked with has started her blog. I peeked at it, and again those feelings of shame and regret crept up, and I probably won’t often visit just because as the song goes “I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.” Isn’t that easy, be respectful to women, but I’ll be jealous too, of her following, of all the likes and fans perhaps? All she will have to do is be herself *sigh*. Now I could argue the other way about being “green” it’s not easy making money, not if you’re me, it’s easy being “a sick pig” or skeeve as you know who called me; if she knew.

One mean word spawned thousands if not millions that were better left going unwritten though, someone told me recently she discovered my work, and it is nice to have a fan, you don’t know how much. It’s not easy getting up and exposing all my secrets, some I suppose, it’s not easy looking at my work and not blaming alcohol or drugs, yeah I’m bad at my craft, and that Lady Lu is what brings *sigh* The Ease of Jealousy.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

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Dogs are man’s best friend, and you don’t keep your friends in cages do you, or bubble wrap, and there is a leash law but tell that to everyone else and bugs will be bugs sadly. It’s A Hairy Situation

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Lesson 291 ~It’s A Hairy Situation~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today, and I am still worried about my kid; I had a bit of a revelation this morning about fear as he and I went for our walk. How often do I talk about fear and courage is merely facing fear and doing what you want or must, hell just being able to live my life and his.

Anyway, as we both know fear haunts me and when you’re a father; no I can never be ashamed of the fact that I think of him as my son; how many fears have I faced because of that fact? No today’s sin is no matter what; I can’t protect him from everything, isn’t that my job, what parent admits such a thing or outright fails at it when they are needed most? I thought I saw a tick burrowing into his fur and you know how he is when it comes to bugs, his nails, and other small emergencies and if I can’t handle such things what about the big ones that will happen?

It’s not just my failures as a dad though, he frightens me Inspector Echo, this little six to eight pounds of fluff can scare me and not just because of his health, no he is just like me, angry, terrified, not knowing what’s best for him. Why do you think he takes baths at the groomers, nails clipped there too, the vet on speed dial every time he gets a tick because I am incapable? Don’t I sound like some worthless Republican afraid of the children only in this case, he’s mine and as much as I want to blame his “grandfather” or any number of bad experiences, his fears and mine, fall to me.

“You failed. You failed as a leader and most of all Rick, you failed as a father. Just… give up.” The Lost and the Plunderers

He’s bitten me before when I needed to stop him from terrorizing the neighborhood; on multiple occasions in fact for any number of things, a bit ironic that I can’t prevent things from biting him because he’ll chew me. So we endure, have and will because love perhaps is the highest sin of all, and now is not the time for a God kick thankfully.

I only ask your forgiveness for realizing that some fears, a father’s love will always remain, the fact that I can protect him from other dogs but he won’t let me help with the little things; how I should be a better man but I know It’s A Hairy Situation.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

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Oops, I did it again, wasted my time, did my best instead of going out and maybe doing anything else that might honestly help me I mean any fool can write a book right. “Fools And Their Eh,” which I’d be lucky if I got that at all

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, best case scenario I’m meh or eh and keeping an eh is a miracle these days but shouldn’t that be what a smile is for, a laugh, or just an honest day’s work. In this movie once, I think they said any fool could make an “A” but keeping it, maintaining it, that was the hard part, along with making it mean something, anything at all.

Maybe I should be talking to Lady Sophia about this, but my work as of late has been eh than A and I’m struggling as to why I even continue with it, even today I only want to hang on to my position with Camp NaNoWriMo. That’s the only top that I can see these days, that fifty-thousand-word total and what does it matter when you’re standing on a mountain of crap? Am I depressed you ask, if I am, I’m bleeding all over the pages which is a good sign don’t you think so Luna?

A which leads to B and I wind up with C, so on and so forth and even if I make it to Z, I would always be looking for the value of X, and I’m as lost now as I was back in those math classes of yesteryear. So what am I trying to say, what do I want to say, and like at work what should I say and that is something I can’t cater to, not anymore, never again though we both know if my “father” walked in here… People must have their A’s no doubt, it gives you value in this world, but no one ever understood I was trying to hang on to that eh most days and what did that get me, I’m Fonzie.

Am I saying I’m cool, am I still speaking of miracles, no I’m saying I get laughed at, I’m believing at some magic time what I am will be acceptable… maybe if we ever get “The First Purge.” Most days, speaking the truth I would like to feel a little bit better than this but I want to write those A’s and dot my I’s and cross my T’s and in the end, doesn’t this make me a fool honestly.

Can I live like this, can I maintain, endure and survive, what is it they say, Fools And Their Eh?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 280 ~I Missed Health Class~

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When was the last time I wanted to get out of bed, not needed, not have to, not a challenge, no I only wanted to get up and live… is it too early for Christmas and can I be a kid again and go back to school. I Missed Health Class.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Lesson 280 ~I Missed Health Class~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Fine Today because I missed health class, not all of it but probably more than Sex Ed, only this is America, so most kids missed that conversation, to be honest. What I mean there are plenty of things about health that I should have learned being an African-American and all. Personally, I never dreamed I’d get out of my teens and with diet, a brain only a zombie could love, the cops, let’s say things aren’t looking that good.

You may be wondering what brought all this up; maybe it’s the fact that I have wasted yet one more day of my life in bed. Except for walking my dog and nature’s call, I’ve been down for the count. What honestly baffles me is the concept that I have held my day job for almost seven years and in all that time, I’ve been late once, and I’ve called out once, been too sick to stay one time, and left early maybe twice. One of those times was for another job, and the other was for my writing career, and yet I’m not writing today, am I Lady Lu?

I wasn’t learning how to survive on Pop-Tarts and toast, maybe pizza and Rotisserie Chicken every night, am I complaining about food and money right now? Lady Lu they don’t talk about when you’re so depressed that your body follows suit and you’re weighed down by something as light as a blanket. How about cold, the weather has been like something out of “1408” hot, wet, frozen, wasteland but every work day I go out into that, and it’s killing me, but I have a billion excuses as to why I can’t do for me.

Speaking of killing, I haven’t had a run-in with the law for the longest time but from searching on Motherless.com to my Pinterest boards being knocked out, to Facebook collecting intel I could face arrest for a great many things. Am I still hung up on the Pinterest thing… tell that to the hundred or so episodes of General Hospital I have yet to watch and just might give up.

Health Class wants to teach you to stay strong and not just lie on your back which goes right back into how come there’s no sexual education at most schools. I’ll tell you what I haven’t learned today, how to deal with an ever-growing weakness pervading my body but hey Lu I Missed Health Class.

“There is only one rule that binds all people. One governing principle that defines every relationship on God’s green earth: The weak are meat, and the strong do eat.” Dr. Henry Goose, Cloud Atlas (2012)

I Will Have No Fear